I wish I could tell you Satan was a guy in red, with a thin mustache and a pitchfork. He or she is neither. But I am not allowed to disclose the Prince or Princess of Darkness’ identity, as I have coffee with him or her. Notice how I did that twice, placed the masculine before the feminine? What is the real reason behind that? Today’s topic is Misogyny. Just in case you have vision of a man in your mind, I just want to remind you that S. could very well not be one.

S: Aaaaahhh, misogyny. The world revolves around it.

N: So, how did you… invent it or whatever?

S: The Greek God myths ruled the world at one point and there were all these great role models for chicks, in fact for everyone. We knew those had to be eliminated and we had to focus on one guy. One white guy.

N: Even though he wasn’t white?

S: Right. Even better. We had to make one guy white and make everyone worship that guy – and make everyone else a second class citizen.

N: Are women weaker than men?

S: Of course not. Women actually have much higher thresholds for pain, tolerance and their brains are generally forced into much greater challenges – which begins you know in their teenager years when their body metamorphosizes. A man, especially in America, can remain immature for years, maybe even his whole life. That’s the guy we want to rule the world, and generally that has been a great success for us.

N: Right, when a guy’s body changes, it’s not that big of a deal.

S: He learns to masturbate and shit. A girl has the responsibility to give birth when she’s like twelve and sometimes even earlier, she has to mature. She has no choice. Our team connected this sudden responsibility to “insanity”. When we see a chick acting out, we still think, she’s on her period. Imagine if man suffered really bad cramps during a menstrual cycle. He would hack someone’s head off.

N: So, your main target has always been the body image.

S: The most important moment in a girl’s life. That metamorphosis. Make her ashamed of that. One, with the period thing. Two, with mammaries, which we’ve taken on an incredible level. People don’t even know why they find breasts so attractive. They just do. We’ve cheapened the first intimate moment between a mother and her child into the stratosphere. Hallelujah. You have to give me props on that, money.

N: So, how exactly did you do this?

S: Well, through two things, one being stories. The Bible has been an invaluable tool. “Hester” has to sleep her way to the top, but most people don’t even know that story. The public likely only know two women in The Bible. The Virgin Mary, who never had intercourse with anyone except for God, and Mary Magdalene, a prostitute, who hung out with J.C. and the gang. In the Christian calendar, which we all use, those are the greatest role models for women. Men have Jesus, Moses, even David is considered a hero, a guy who sends a guy to death so he could take his wife. “Little Red Riding Hood”…

N: Wait, “Little Red Riding Hood”?

S: Yeah, that’s one of my favorite stories. It’s about a girl on her period. It’s awesome if you can see what it’s really about. A girl on her period.

N: Wow.

S: And today, of course, it’s continued into movies. The role labeled “the girl” is just a metaphor for “prostitute” or “dumb chick”, which is awesome.

N: Actually, films with female action heroes have done really well at the box office, like “Salt” or the original “Charlie’s Angels”.

S: We also worked in the concept of marriage, the need for it, the woman taking the guy’s name – and then of course the need for as much life on Earth as we can pack this place with, creating the position of the woman as a fucking baby machine and nothing more. Work in the taboo of abortion and you have things anyone would go crazy dealing with, especially a weak as man, who could never deal with this, if he were placed in that position.

N: What about gay guys?

S: Homophobia is just an extension of misogyny; don’t you know that, dude? Ha, ha! Cool, what we came up with to eliminate the more perfect sex out of the equation, don’t you think?

N: What was the second thing, you said there were two?

S: Architecture. It might be an obvious thing, but it’s so obvious, no one really notices. During Cleopatra’s reign, buildings were shaped like vaginas.

N: Pyramids.

S: Those were the places that housed and protected people. And originally, there were tents. Today, it’s skyscrapers, skyscrapers, skyscrapers. It’s awesome. It’s aggressive. Dicks are everywhere and worshipped unconsciously. Everywhere you look, dick, dick, dick, dick, the most mindless organ in the human body, the thing that just penetrates and explodes. KABOOM!

N: And domes.

S: Precisely. Which ironically, most major sporting events take place in. We took the focus out of the vagina and into the breasts – as in feeding the young is the most important thing on this person; the rest of the person can fucking die for all we care. So, you have dicks and pussies hitting your line of sight everywhere you go. This is why guys like to ejaculate on mammaries. They don’t even know why. The visual stimuli of the objects is so gangraping to your mind, that you see the two appendages as a couple.

N: Breast and penis.

S: Exactly. We took the vagina out of the equation, the door to life. And modern architecture has been invaluable in that arena. And – as an added bonus – we’ve been able to create one of the deadliest food sources, deeply connected to the breast.

N: Milk?

S: We’ll talk about that next time. I have to get going. It’s crazy, I have so much stuff to do this Holiday season. Coffee is on me. You want anything else? Pastry. Sandwich? Egg nog?

N: I’m good. Thanks.

S: Don’t you just love the holidays? See you, buddy.