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What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Year – 2010-2011

  • July 9, 2011 12:00 am

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Year is a capsule of the year’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!).  If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.

This is a special edition because this will be the last What I Learned on YOMYOMF here on, well, YOMYOMF.  I’ve had lots of good memories – the handcuffs, the sulfuric acid, the anonymous letters – but now’s not the time to talk about personal matters.  In its place, there will be a new column that even I (Jerome) don’t know yet, but I imagine Simon has an inkling.

Enjoy this last year-encompassing recap.  And don’t worry: I don’t talk about Inception.

Much.

OUTDOORS WHILE ASIAN: PACK-OREXIA:

“PACK-OREXIA.  A disorder that makes me weigh every single piece of backpacking equipment I own.”

And here I was thinking that regular physical activity keeps the mind healthy – thank goodness for being lazy!  I love you, chair and ass indent.

FIRST MEMORY:

“Before I knew it, I ran towards the fence and started to do what I thought the older kids did to get to the other side.  Because it was my first time climbing a fence, the sensation was just plain strange (kinda like putting on a condom for the very first time).”

Isn’t putting on a condom kind of a strange sensation every time?  Just me?  Alright then.  Read more...

WHAT I LEARNED ON YOMYOMF THIS WEEK – JUNE 25 – JULY 1, 2011

  • July 2, 2011 12:10 am

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!).  If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.

But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?

This week, the Offenders discuss whom not to rape; frisbee killings; and dental robots realistic enough to do the two-backed tango with.  Thanks for the assist, Shakespeare!

INDIAN WOMAN CHOPPED OFF HEAD OF MAN WHO TRIED TO RAPE HER THEN PARADED THE HEAD AROUND TOWN:

“The woman was working in the fields; using the aforementioned sickle to cut grass when the man tried to sexually assault her. But the woman decided to defend herself. One guess what she used to fight back with?”

I would have been in suspense at this point if the title hadn’t ruined the surprise – MARK FOR SPOILERS NEXT TIME PLEASE.

By the way, Snape kills Voldemort.

VIDEO SPOTLIGHT: ASSASSIN’S CREED REVELATIONS TRAILER.:

In which I highlight an exceptional video game trailer and an interest that explains why I am forever alone.  Read more...

WHAT I LEARNED ON YOMYOMF THIS WEEK – JUNE 18 – 24, 2011

  • June 25, 2011 12:00 am

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!).  If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.

But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?

This week, the blog discusses memories of The Karate Kid 2; fast food’s new Spam delivery system; and testicles.

Yes, the long-awaited (by me, at the very least) testicle-themed blog is finally here.

PERHAPS I AM EASILY DEPRESSED.:


In which I make my own strongest case for taking some Zoloft.

REMEMBERING ‘KARATE KID 2’ AND THE DANGERS OF ACRYLIC NAILS:

“One thing I can tell you all is that I still feel the same feelings in being recognized as the girl from “The Karate Kid”. It’s always been a mixture of disbelief, embarrassment and a funny kind of pride.”

Funny – I feel the same things about not drinking until I was 21.  Being the girl from The Karate Kid 2 is undoubtedly much, much cooler.  Read more...

WHAT I LEARNED ON YOMYOMF THIS WEEK – JUNE 11 – 17, 2011

  • June 18, 2011 12:00 am

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!).  If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.

But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?

This week, the tackled topics are F.O.B. speak; advertising strip clubs; and poon procurement with the aid of Marvel superhero costumes.

Ah, “poon procurement.”  I must say: that is one bit of alliteration I’m quite proud of.

SAF SEEKING… MOM AND DAD WOULD BE SO HAPPY!:

“So to hear that accent over the phone, my stomach tightened. I could just imagine my dad coming through the speaker, “Oh, you know, I like to travel, long walks on the beach and.. (dad voice) OFF THE LIGHTS! CLEAN YOUR ROOM! BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER! ARE YOU GOING GALLIVANTING WITH YOUR FRIENDS AGAIN?”

What is it about old-school Filipinos and the word “gallivanting”?  I swear: as far as I’m concerned, they have a monopoly on that word.  I’ve never heard anyone else use it.

TRACY MORGAN & WHY ‘SORRY’ IS THE EASIEST WORD:

“I’m sure you’ve all heard by now how during a June 3 stand-up performance in Nashville, 30 Rockstar Tracy Morgan made some jokes that smacked of homophobia including one about how he’d use a knife to “stab” his son if he found out he was gay. After a massive outcry,Morgan apologized on Friday saying that he “clearly went too far.””

No, clearly he would’ve gone too far if he had made a pun-based joke about setting his hypothetically gay son on fire.

Let’s thank our lucky stars he held back on that.  Read more...

WHAT I LEARNED ON YOMYOMF THIS WEEK – JUNE 4 – 10, 2011

  • June 11, 2011 12:00 am

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!).  If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.

But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?

This week, YOMYOMF’s got blind Asian women; bigoted Smurfs; and great, non-sexual advice for new graduates.

You really can’t get that anywhere else.

SAF SEEKING… CHARM SCHOOL:

““I think that it must be you.” He smiles into my eyes.

Oh no! He’s flirting with me! I’m terrible at flirting! Okay, so he’s only 23 and I could have given birth to him if I had been even remotely sexually active in high school (I wasn’t) so he’s harmless and nothing’s going to happen but STILL!”

I thought the younger the mark, the better the prize, right?  Or is that just with hunting animals?

Man, there’s a lot I need to learn.

R.I.P. MY INTEREST IN VIDEO GAMES.:

In which I describe how my video game fixation died with L.A. Noire.  Read more...

WHAT I LEARNED ON YOMYOMF THIS WEEK – MAY 28 – JUNE 3, 2011

  • June 4, 2011 12:00 am

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!).  If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.

But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?

Transitioning into June brings yet another choice week of subjects (as if you’d expect anything less!): phallic shapes in everyday life; coming (too) soon; and filmmaking on a Canadian budget.

All totally and predictably related, yeah?

THE COMMAND AND CONTROL STRATEGY:

“When that guy’s mind was ready to be a virgin again and filled with Bellichick juice.”

 Read more...

WHAT I LEARNED ON YOMYOMF THIS WEEK – MAY 21 – 27, 2011

  • May 28, 2011 12:00 am

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!).  If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.

But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?

As May winds down, our articulate bloggers tackle double-entendres; sexual positions as food pricing; and Totoro.

Yeah, I know you came here for the Totoro, you sick fuck.

WEEKEND AWESOMENESS: BUDWEISER NUN CHUCKS:

“If no Rapture happens today, it’s because Jesus got a hold of one of these and was too pre-occupied testing them out to remember the Apocalypse.”

It’s a tossup between that and the possibility that He finally microwaved a burrito so hot even He couldn’t touch it.

SAF SEEKING…. FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE:

“A small crowd of gatherers and his old climbing buddies were circled around him since apparently, being a sausage king is news that travels fast.”

“Sausage King” sounds like some Urban Dictionary term.  It wouldn’t surprise me.

EDIT: Surprise me sometime, Internet.  Read more...

WHAT I LEARNED ON YOMYOMF THIS WEEK – MAY 14 – 20, 2011

  • May 21, 2011 12:00 am

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!).  If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.

But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?

This week, fresh from our brain-ovens are the following talk-talk topics: dreams of Sanrio Stores; foiled suicides; and bloody first kisses.  Also: there is more!

I know, I know – it’s fantastic.  Just don’t get carried away now.

SAF SEEKING… EMOTIONAL DELIVERANCE:

“Sometimes, I wish I could just kill all the emotions inside of me with the same smoke bomb that exterminators use to kill mice. I’d simply suffocate all those feelings: disappointment, envy, heartbreak… and if happiness and joy were killed in the process, well ‘tant pis’!!!!”

From my experience, Nyquil usually grants me a couple hours reprieve from my emotions… but you may not want to go down that route.  Unless you love sleep.

SANRIO STORES WERE A DISAPPOINTMENT.:

In which I recall my overwhelming childhood desire to enter a Sanrio Store.

I was pretty much the typical boy’s boy.  Read more...

WHAT I LEARNED ON YOMYOMF THIS WEEK – MAY 7 – 13, 2011

  • May 14, 2011 12:00 am

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!).  If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.

But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?

This week, you’ve got a chance to read about how a nice rack can make your tea better; remote french kissing; and shitting vagrants.

My thoughts?  You should take that chance.

JOB OPENING: VIRGINS WITH BIG BREASTS NEEDED TO PICK TEA IN CHINA:

“If you’re a virgin, possess at least C-Cup sized breasts and you’re looking for work, well, you are in luck. All you need to do is relocate to Henan, China, where the Henan Gushi Xijiuhua Scenic Mountain Development is looking for someone like you to work picking tea leaves.”

There are plenty of virgins with C-Cups to be found everywhere in these parts – this may be the first time they get lucky!

 Read more...

WHAT I LEARNED ON YOMYOMF THIS WEEK – APRIL 30 – MAY 6, 2011

  • May 7, 2011 12:00 am

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!).  If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.

But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?

As we segue into May (rhyme!), we writers discuss piss on walls; the Chinese sex drive; and elderly people smoking the reefer.

I can guarantee you that that sentence has never been written before.

NO VISUALS, JUST FOLLOW YOUR NOSE!:

“Everytime I walk down the streets of downtown SF, I walk around 2-3 piles of freshly-minted human fecal matter. And if not poop, definitely piss. If it’s wet and it’s trailing from a vertical surface, it’s probably piss.”


I’ve walked down enough LA streets in my life to know that a vertical trail is always 50/50 piss or poop.

OSAMA GETS OBAMA? AND WHAT DOES HITLER HAVE TO DO WITH IT?:

“[...] I’m sure Donald Trump and his ilk are already preparing to question the official version of the story. After all, there’s no “proof” that the man is dead and besides, the President’s speech preempted tonight’s episode of the Donald’s Celebrity Apprentice so it’s got to be some sort of conspiracy, right?”


Obama is just really mindful of sweeps season.

 Read more...

WHAT I LEARNED ON YOMYOMF THIS WEEK – APRIL 23 – 29, 2011

  • April 30, 2011 12:00 am

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!).  If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.

But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?

This week, what have we got?  This is what we’ve got!  Overzealous tongues; cities that remind me of placentas; and peeing in public – all the matters that you need answered urgently, in one fell swoop.

Gangster, yes?

RETRO ’80S CEREAL:

“If you’re a child of the ’80s like me, you’ll wish that these cereal boxes designed by Ian Glaubinger were real. But alas, they are just another beautiful and unattainable dream:”

The important thing to ask yourself is whether or not you can eat them after midnight.

SAF SEEKING… MR. SALIVA:

“His tongue was a juicer. I don’t know what it was in my face, but somehow he believed that I must like it Saint Bernard sloppy. It was like his entire tongue entered my mouth, salivated for what seemed like eternity, and exited, leaving at least 3 tablespoons worth of spit in the cup space behind my bottom front teeth.”

This description is reminding me of Japanese tentacle porn.

Which I definitely have never watched.

But it is fucking gross.

 Read more...

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week – April 16 – 22, 2011

  • April 23, 2011 12:00 am

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!).  If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.

But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?

As we approach the close of April, YOMYOMF examines the Japanese tendency to cute-ify everything; the Filipino crucifixion craze; and genital slang.

Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

JAPANESE TSUNAMI MASCOTS:

“Japan has a tradition of using “cute” mascot characters to educate the public about things that are far from cute.  [...]  Now, here are a few examples from recent years of tsunami-related examples of this tradition.”

I don’t know about you, but nothing makes me afraid of something more than when it’s anthropomorphized.

KIDS ON PLANES AND I HATE THEIR PARENTS:

“A mother is HOLY in most cultures, she’s a saint, a woman of virtue, untouchable and needed in this world: she bred and somehow, we –the pitiful childless- have to be kind to her because she IS sacrificing her life to make the life of someone else’s possible. I don’t WANT to give up my seat (I pee a lot and therefore I get up a lot, that’s why I always book an aisle seat), but I’d be an ASSHOLE if I didn’t.”

Wait… what’s wrong with being an asshole?

Oh, right – that’s why no one loves me.

 Read more...