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Turns Out Size DOES Matter

  • April 11, 2013 5:06 am

The good news: only one in 10,000 men has a penis that is ten inches or longer when erect (I assume measured from the base with a tailor’s tape – god I assume that! – or .0001% of the population).

The bad news: size does actually matter to women.

The good news: when flaccid, if you hit at least three inches, anything over that results in only a small increase in attractiveness to the female.

The bad news: I’m a grower, not a shower.

On Monday, biologist Brian Mautz of the University of Ottawa in Canada published the results of his study on whether size matters in that raunchy rag, “Proceedings of the National Academy of Science.”  Read more...

Sharing Porn with Your Friends & Family

  • March 18, 2013 3:52 pm

When If you watch porn online, you’re likely to see something like this accompanying the videos:

You’ll notice there are buttons that allow you to share/like the video on facebook, twitter and other social media. Which leads to this question: who exactly shares porn via social media?

Who watches porn and thinks to themselves: “Gee, I bet my parents, co-workers and assorted friends would enjoy Asian Anal Nurses 8 as much as I do. I should post on facebook and tweet it out!”  Read more...

The Luck of the Irish

  • March 17, 2013 2:34 pm

If you’re feeling lonely and blue this St. Paddy’s Day and need something to make you feel green (‘cause we all know that green=horny), may we present you with this option:

Lucky charms indeed.  Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

 Read more...

In Defense of Asian American Executives Sexting Blackmailing Strippers

  • March 14, 2013 7:56 pm

So you may have heard that Hearst Entertainment & Syndication president Scott Sassa has “left the company” after his fellow executives learned that he had been exchanging “steamy, illicit” texts (aka “sexting”) with a stripper. Hearst executives discovered this information when the stripper’s boyfriend approached them with the aforementioned texts in an effort to blackmail him.

Now, let’s first consider the regrettable absurdity of this whole story: Sassa, who is both single and an adult, exchanged racy text messages with another consenting adult and he had to give up his high-level position for that? Seriously?!!! When did sending and receiving private x-rated texts between consenting adults become an offense leading to the loss of one’s job? Most of us would be out of a job if that were the case.

And it’s not like Sassa is a religious figure who’s taken a vow of celibacy (and we know how well that works out anyway), he’s an executive at a company that was founded by a man (William Randolph Hearst) who openly lived with his mistress (Marion Davies) while still married to someone else; a company that currently publishes magazines like Cosmopolitan which at the very moment I’m writing this blog, boasts this headline on its homepage:  Read more...

Hot or Not?

  • February 21, 2013 4:39 am

I think most people with functioning eyes would agree that Harrison Barnes of the Golden State Warriors is cute.

But the question is, is he cuter in the NBA’s traditional tank top jersey, or in the new body hugging euro-tee style jersey, which will be debuted tomorrow night in Oakland?

Some facts: the new uniforms, which also include revamped shorts, are 26% lighter than their traditional counterparts.  The shirts are made with a stretch fabric that allows a full range of body motion, so that players’ jump shots won’t be hampered by their new bass thumping sense of style.

 Read more...

The High Heels Probably Weren’t A Good Idea, But The Public Blow Job Was Really Pushing It

  • January 24, 2013 5:25 am

Turns out it’s best not to wear high heels when you’re trying to convince your doctor that your injured ankle is preventing you from going back to work.  But that’s just what Modupe Adunni Martin, 29, of Hayward, California did on 10 separate occasions, after claiming her bad ankle kept her from returning to work.

Martin told her bosses at Woodside High School in 2009, where she worked as a custodian, that she injured her ankle on the job and couldn’t work.

Again, probably best not to mop floors in patent pumps.

 Read more...

Runners Up! Ten More Porn Parody Titles for 2012

  • January 15, 2013 5:03 am

Well, there’s just no keeping a good man down.  My friend Robert Consing can no more hide his talent, his gift, his birthright, than you and I can stop breathing.  He’s back, with ten more titles (hopefully already in XXX development):

1. Wrectum Ralph

2. Django Unzipped

3. Pooper

4. Beats Off The Southern Child

5. Life Of Hair-Pi

6. Salmon Fisting In The Yemen

7. Hide Pork in the Hudson

8. The Perks of Being a Poleswallower

9. SkyFelch

10. On The Choad

 

More honorable mentions go to:  Read more...

Top Ten Porn Parody Titles 2012

  • January 1, 2013 5:23 am

Yes, it’s that time of year again: my dear friend Robert Consing has come up with 2012′s top ten titles (he didn’t do the one above; frankly, he’s way more clever).  He also happens to be an A-list storyboard artist who has worked with the likes of Steven Spielberg, Michael Bay and David Fincher, but clearly he missed his true calling as a marketing whiz for porn producers.

1. Poonrise Kingdom

2. Zero Dark Squirty

3. Rust and Trombone

4. Cornholeintheanus

5. 21 Jump Meat

6. So Tight In The Cuntsman

7. Blowmetheus

8. The Dark Knob Rises  Read more...

Still Hot Over 40? Over 50? Over 60?!?

  • December 4, 2012 4:07 am

Of course I realize that in the celebrity bubble, there is a phalanx of photoshoppers, make up artists, lighting consultants, and plastic surgeons to give these women a little extra boost that your average Jane Doe doesn’t get, but in our youth obsessed world, it’s nice to see some smoking hot women over 25 who carry themselves with a confidence and elegance and sexuality befitting their age and their beauty.

And in an effort to level the playing field, I’ve tried to pick photos of these fine ladies with little – or minimal – make up.

Let’s start with the youngsters in their fourth decade:

Ms. Diane Lane, age 47.

 Read more...

Seriously, Ladies, This Does It For You?

  • November 29, 2012 3:45 am

I stopped in at my local branch library the other day (don’t worry – I just needed to pee) when I noticed a rack of romance novels and every cover, I s&*t you not, was essentially the same: a submissive woman staring up at a buffed freakazoid – chest shaven, shirt unbuttoned, or, preferably, missing entirely.

The artwork seemed dated and kitschy and a mile off point to me, but I have to assume an army of marketing wizards, tuned in to what turns the fair sex on, knows better.  And I know as a man I have no moral high ground here – what cranks our motors often belongs in medical textbooks – but, ladies, seriously?  Read more...

Xmas Gift Idea: ‘The Smell of a Boy’s Anus’ Scented Oils

  • November 1, 2012 6:21 pm

Regular readers of this blog know that our Japanese friends have invented some…er…interesting products, but this one might take the cake. Japanese adult goods company, Tamatoys, has just released their latest fragrant oil—“The Smell of a Boy’s Anus.”

The product is being sold with the tagline: “The forbidden scent…experience that smell one more time.”

But lest we mistakenly assume that this means the scent is something gross and nasty, Tamatoys is quick to disprove that thinking. Here’s their description of “The Smell of a Boy’s Anus”:

 Read more...

EBay Alert: Bid on Book Three MILFs Pleasured Themselves To

  • October 2, 2012 8:51 pm

You really can find just about anything on ebay: behold a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey that three “MILFy” women/friends are selling to the highest bidder.

Here’s the ad description in full:

Samantha, Allison and Sona together are selling this very used, thrice read copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. Passed from one friend to another, we each made our way through the tantalizing first installment in the Fifty Shades trilogy. The lucky winner will hold in their hands a deliciously used paperback copy of the best erotic novel since Lady Chatterly’s Lover. Hailing from Williamsburg Brooklyn we are 3 tragically hip mothers and best friends. We share everything from clothes to babysitting duties, so naturally we all had our way with this book. We each tremendously enjoyed reading this single copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. We want you, dear bidder, to enjoy this book as much as we did. This much loved copy of Fifty Shades of Grey will be shipped as is, or per request with a personal note and/or lipstick kisses to the highest bidder. And not to worry the entire set could be yours! The next two books will be up for auction once Sona is finished reading Fifty Shades Darker, and both Allison and Sona are handed down Samantha’s current copy of Fifty Shades Freed. We’re biting our lips waiting for the highest bidder!  Read more...