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Women’s Lib, Sorority Style!

  • April 23, 2013 5:43 am

I never joined a frat in college. Maybe I should’ve.

If I’m understanding sorority sister Rebecca Martinson’s e-mail correctly (as read by Alison Haislip), if you’re not cheering properly for the school team, or having sex with the frat brothers of your “matchup” (Sigma Nu), you’re in for a world of hurt and the f-bomb being carpet bombed all over you.

Get your f-ing “post-gaming” straight, ladies!

39 f-bombs in 4 minutes?! That’s an f-bomb every 6.15 seconds – Tarantino could learn something.

And I never heard the phrase “cunt punt” before.  Catchy.  If I were these two gals, I might consider wearing a cup around Rebecca.

 Read more...

Why Japan is Awesome #848: Beer Made From The Remains of Elephant Shit

  • April 22, 2013 9:53 pm

Who knew elephant shit could be so tasty and intoxicating?

There’s already a Black Ivory Coffee in Asia which is coffee brewed from beans chewed up by elephants and excreted as waste aka poop aka shit. Apparently, passing through the elephant gives the beans a particularly smooth flavor. But why stop at coffee?

Japan’s Sankt Gallen Brewery released their Un, Kono Kuro Beer (loosely translated as “Shit Black”) earlier this month and, yes, it’s brewed from the same elephant excreted beans. So far the reviews for the beer have been positive and it sold out within hours of its release.  Read more...

Justin Bieber and Anne Frank: Besties?

  • April 18, 2013 5:14 am

Who of us, at age 19, hasn’t spat on our neighbor, driven recklessly, smoked a little reefer, and turned the Holocaust into a promo op?

That part of the brain responsible for compassion, humanity and humility isn’t fully developed in our teens, so should we be cutting the Biebernator some slack for the comments he left at the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam?

Hell no!

Here’s what the Biebs wrote last week:

“Truly inspiring to be able to come here.  Anne was a great girl.  Hopefully she would have been a belieber.”

Yeah, it was pretty “great” of her to turn two years of terror hiding in an attic into a document – her diary – which has touched people for over fifty years and will continue to do so for 500 more.  Read more...

I Still Get Goose Bumps Thinking About It

  • April 16, 2013 5:32 am

You would not believe who I saw the other day when I was on the Paramount lot.

I always suspected Dwayne The Rock Johnson was fonder of wrist watches than Mark Wahlberg – that didn’t come as a huge surprise – but I never knew they were both so patriotic.

And as to their builds, it’s like, I always thought Wahlberg looked good in a wife beater in a sort of blue collar real man way, but then you see Dwayne The Rock Johnson, and Wahlberg looks downright wimpy.  But then there’s the question of “gym muscles” vs. “bar fight” muscles, so it’s hard to say who would win in a fight.  (me, I go with “bar fight” over “gym” any day)  Read more...

I’m Sorry I Called You Pretty

  • April 9, 2013 5:08 am

It’s official: the world has officially been turned upside down.

Last Friday President Obama had to “apologize” for calling California Attorney General Kamala Harris attractive.

Upping the crazy, Ms. Harris’ office had to graciously “accept” the president’s apology.

That’s right: Mr. Obama apologized for complimenting Ms. Harris, and she in turn accepted the apology for being complimented.

It’s hard to believe that Kim Jong-un didn’t say or do anything whacky enough Thursday to eclipse Mr. Obama’s “gaffe.”

The pundits went on about how “unsettling,” “disgraceful” and “stupid” the president’s comments were.

What a charade.  Read more...

SAF Seeking… The ability to turn back time (2 of 3)

  • April 7, 2013 8:32 am

Nuff said.

The funny thing about death is it makes you look over the last few hours you spent with the person before he/she left this earth as we know it.

And truthfully, it was an odd and normal 24 hours prior to the death.

On Monday, I was frantically filling out job applications and those take long hours of cutting and pasting your resume into field boxes and of writing long essays justifying why you are worth their precious time. I had taken a break and gone grumpily into the garden to water the tomato garden we had just planted the day before. He came home shortly before 4pm, proudly carrying 2 more new cherry tomato plant seedlings.  Read more...

The Three Great Mysteries

  • April 4, 2013 5:24 am

Sure, I could take the time to look up the answers to three of life’s great mysteries, but where’s the fun in that?

1. Magnets – how do they work?

Theory One: some metals just come out of the ground attracted to each other.  Or repulsed by each other.  That’s just the way they were born.

Theory Two: touch a piece of metal with the end of a 9-volt battery, and – voila! – it turns it into a magnet.

2. How come you can’t tickle yourself?  Read more...

Warning: Lift Up That Toilet Seat!

  • March 28, 2013 4:56 am

My dear Aunt Corinne loves me and cares about me.  That’s why, when I was a little boy, she made me mini meatballs in a sweet red sauce, took me and my cousins to Disneyland once a year, was never stingy with affection, and, why, today, she sends me e-mails with titles like…

HEART ATTACK SLIDE SHOW – WORTH 45 SECONDS

and

BREAST CANCER AND DIOXINS

And there was one – I can’t find the title – about how using your cell phone while pumping gas could lead to you being blown up.

Most recently, she sent me

NEW POISONOUS SPIDER IN THE UNITED STATES – NOT A JOKE  Read more...

How Not To Get Hit On At A Bar

  • March 26, 2013 5:30 am

The other day I went to the bar I co-own to do some paperwork, and found two large jars of organic peanut butter sitting on a shelf in the back.  Odd.  Had we invented a new drink?  A Reese’s Cup?  A Fizzy Peanut Brittle?  A Nutter Butter Shot?

Nope.  I was wrong (although I think I’m on to something with that last one).

I found out a customer gave the jars to one of my veteran bartenders, a woman in her mid-thirties.  Ah, yes.  Hitting on a bartender by giving her gifts.  I’ve seen it before – one guy who worked at Levi’s once brought a bartender sixteen pairs of jeans.  How he figured out her size I don’t know.  Sadly, it didn’t work.  I dunno, I’m no expert on courtship, but giving a virtual stranger sixteen pairs of anything might be coming on a little strong.  Read more...

SAF Seeking…. The ultimate cupcake

  • March 25, 2013 11:58 am

Carbohydrate perfection!


I needed a cupcake. Short and simple. I wanted moist and delicious, with a creamy REAL buttercream frosting. (Why oh WHY do people make their frostings out of lard?!? If my frosting doesn’t MOVE when I touch it, there’s just something completely wrong with it.)

Yes, buttercream frosting. Not that Lee Hansen hard as nails frosting that comes out of a Better Crocker jar, and definitely not fondant. (Who LIKES that stuff anyway?) Real BUTTERCREAM frosting, the kind made with sticks and sticks of BUTTER, cups and cups of SUGAR, and just a hint of WHIPPING CREAM.

NOT frosting.  Read more...

I Admit It: I Binge

  • March 21, 2013 4:59 am

For me it started years ago on a dreary weekend outside of Portland, Oregon.  It’s not like I planned to do it.  No one does.  It just sorta happened.

My wife and I, and another couple, had a friend’s cabin and DVD player at our disposal.  It was cold and pouring rain outside – we could’ve gone outside, braved the elements, and continued picking blackberries (the area was filled with vines and fat berries), but we took a different path, and life has never been the same.  On the drive up from California we got on the subject of the TV show Twin Peaks, and, 48 hours later, we emerged bleary eyed from the cabin, after watching 14 episodes in two days.  Read more...

One Man’s Freedom Fighter Is Another Man’s Terrorist

  • March 19, 2013 5:08 am

What would you be willing to die for?

Imagine you are a 22 year old young man from a good family, you’ve joined the army, and you are approached by your superior, a colonel, and asked to wear a suicide vest and kill the leader of your country.

Even though it’s obviously treasonous and murderous, you believe it is the correct and righteous thing to do.  You tell your father of your intentions, and he replies, “Yes, you have to do this.”

Ewald-Heinrich von Kleist was that young man.

He died on March 8 at age 90.

You probably have not heard of him.  I hadn’t.  Read more...