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There’s “trying” to get pregnant, and then there’s “TRYING” to get pregnant.

  • April 17, 2012 4:23 am

There’s a big difference between this…

…and this…

I texted Miguel, who manages one of my bars, an hour before his shift was to start.

“Payroll?”

Payroll was due, and I needed everyone’s hours and tips.  Miguel is rarely late with payroll and normally texts me back “will send in next fifteen” or something like that.

This time, however, my phone rang right away.

Miguel:  Sorry Fredo, it’s been crazy hectic today.  Can I get it to you after my shift?

Alfredo: yeah, I won’t send it off until late tomorrow morning.

Miguel: Annie’s late, so I’ve kind of been seriously distracted today.

 Read more...

Children Medieval Band

  • April 13, 2012 10:20 pm

YouTube Preview ImageNow that’s a metal hard rendition of Rammstein’s “Sonne.” Wow, kids today… And to think that when I was growing up, death metal was banned in my house. Looks like the goth kids and death metal heads of the ’80s and ’90s spawned well adjusted kids to do their rock bidding! Case-in-point: Adorable siblings Stefan, 10, on vocal, guitar, and violin; Olga, 8, on keyboards; and little Cornelia, 5, banging the skins and playing harp. Their band’s name? The Children Medieval Band!

And if German industrial metal is not your cup of tea, they do a pretty good rendition of The Beatles too.I love these kids.. They’re so Scandinavian and cold when they perform! Have a good weekend, everyone!

Driven To Drink

  • April 10, 2012 4:04 am

How cruel is this?  Neuroscientist Ulrike Heberlein and her colleagues, bored, and in an apparently sadistic mood, put horny male fruit flies in a container with females who had just mated, and who therefore weren’t in the mood.

Not able to tell their prospective suitors that “they had headaches” or were feeling “bloated and unsexy,” the female flies simply ran away, kicked the guys, or stuck out their egg-laying organs to hold them at bay (that last one, especially, does sound like a turn off).

The scientists did this for four days straight, in three hour sessions, until the poor frustrated males turned to one of the same salves favored by their human counterparts: booze!  Read more...

The Cutest Easter Video in All of the World & History

  • April 8, 2012 4:46 pm

Once, I thought I’d impress a girl by directing her to our blog and what I thought was a particularly clever post I had written after hours of hard work. Of course, she completely ignored my piece and instead went on and on about some cute puppy video that my fellow Offender Anderson had posted.

So if all it takes to impress the ladies is finding a cute animal video and putting that up, I give you this:

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Fear vs. Greed

  • April 3, 2012 4:19 am

You’re driving along the highway when you see cash fluttering in the air like flakes in a snow globe.

Up ahead you see the source of this unseasonal snowfall: an armored truck with its back door wide open, continuing to drive on, its drivers blissfully unaware that they’re leaking cold hard cash.

What do you do?

Ignore the money and drive on?

Stop and grab as much as you can?

Grab that cash and turn it in to the armored truck company?

Or, drive on, then spend the night twisting and turning, wondering why the hell you didn’t stop and grab some of those $50 bills that fate was practically begging you to take?  Read more...

USPS To Honor The “Forever 27 Club”

  • April 1, 2012 7:25 pm

In an effort to bolster interest among those under 50, postmaster general Patrick Donahoe on Friday unveiled the USPS’ latest line of “Forever” stamps:

“The Forever 27 Club.”

The “Forever 27 Club” refers to rock and pop musicians who died at the age of 27, and includes legendary icons Robert Johnson (strychnine poisoning), Jimi Hendrix (choked on vomit), Janis Joplin (heroin overdose), Brian Jones (drowning; officially labeled “death by misadventure”), Jim Morrison (heart failure), Kurt Cobain (suicide), and, most recently, Amy Winehouse (alcohol poisoning), as well as other lesser known artists.

Turning to social media outlets Facebook and Twitter, the USPS is sponsoring a contest as to which photo of the 27 Club members should be used for the stamps.  Read more...

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

  • March 27, 2012 4:37 am

It was painful listening to Ira Glass’ retraction on NPR’s “This American Life” of performer?/monologist?/actor?/journalist? Mike Daisey’s story on working conditions at the Foxconn factory in China, which manufactures parts for Apple gadgets.

You can hear Glass trying to keep his cool, trying not to scream at Daisey, as Daisey parses the truth about what he did – and did not see – at the factory in Shenzhen.

Daisey was exposed when another NPR reporter working out of China noticed details in his story that didn’t add up, and tracked down Daisey’s Chinese interpreter, a woman named Cathy, who Daisey initially misidentified as “Anna.”

Cathy was with him the whole time.  Read more...

If You Don’t Look Good In Orange, You’re Screwed

  • March 20, 2012 4:27 am

This just in: Tangerine Tango is 2012’s Color of the Year.

Who says so?

Leatrice Eiseman does, and it is her job as executive director of the Pantone Color Institute to tell us what to like.   And, apparently, we listen.

scary lady calls the shots!

In 2006 did you not notice an unusual number of people wearing Blue Turquoise shoes and belts?

In 2003 did it not seem odd to you that everybody was doing Aqua Sky countertops?

In 2001 why were so many women wearing Fuchsia Rose lipstick?

Because Eiseman told them to, that’s why!  Read more...

The Great Debate: Disposable vs. Cloth

  • March 13, 2012 4:04 am

Whenever some sketchy teenager comes to the door selling sketchy magazine subscriptions for a sketchy cause, my wife and I bite.  Can’t help it.  I sold toffee peanuts door to door as a kid to pay my way through summer camp, so I’m a soft touch, no matter how shady their paperwork and demeanor are.

So yes, I’m still waiting for that first copy of “Spin” I ordered eight months ago; it’s not that I really wanted “Spin” at all, it’s that I wanted “American Angler” less.

Then yesterday the first issue of something called “Whole Living” arrived in the mail.

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Why Japan is Awesome #391: The Speech Jamming Gun

  • March 6, 2012 10:04 pm

If you’ve ever been in a movie theater next to people who wouldn’t stop jabbering during the whole film and wished that you had a gun that could silence those annoying Chatting Cathy’s, the Japanese are already way ahead of you.

I give you the portable “SpeechJammer” gun:

Invented by Japanese scientists Kazutaka Kurihara and Koji Tsukada, the device can silence people from over 30 meters away. Here’s how it works:  Read more...

Does Calling AAA Emasculate Me?

  • March 2, 2012 4:48 am

There’s nothing wrong with calling AAA when you have a flat tire.

That’s my right.  For $75 or so a year, I get to carry a little plastic card in my wallet that lets me call in the cavalry when one of my wheels go flat, when some part of me deflates, when that normally stiff and resilient bit of rubber goes flat and soft.  Can’t be firm every second of every day.  Happens to every guy.  Nothing to be ashamed of.

So why do I feel so damn impotent when I call AAA for help?

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Dude Photoshops in Famous Peeps into his Holiday Party Photos

  • February 28, 2012 10:18 pm

Saw this on Buzzfeed and it’s pretty hilarious. Some of the photos easily scream PHOTOSHOPPPED but I question that Bill Murray photo… Maybe he was there? Check out more photoshopped goodness after the jump.   Read more...