I never joined a frat in college. Maybe I should’ve.
If I’m understanding sorority sister Rebecca Martinson’s e-mail correctly (as read by Alison Haislip), if you’re not cheering properly for the school team, or having sex with the frat brothers of your “matchup” (Sigma Nu), you’re in for a world of hurt and the f-bomb being carpet bombed all over you.
Get your f-ing “post-gaming” straight, ladies!
39 f-bombs in 4 minutes?! That’s an f-bomb every 6.15 seconds – Tarantino could learn something.
And I never heard the phrase “cunt punt” before. Catchy. If I were these two gals, I might consider wearing a cup around Rebecca.
Who knew elephant shit could be so tasty and intoxicating?
There’s already a Black Ivory Coffee in Asia which is coffee brewed from beans chewed up by elephants and excreted as waste aka poop aka shit. Apparently, passing through the elephant gives the beans a particularly smooth flavor. But why stop at coffee?
Japan’s Sankt Gallen Brewery released their Un, Kono Kuro Beer (loosely translated as “Shit Black”) earlier this month and, yes, it’s brewed from the same elephant excreted beans. So far the reviews for the beer have been positive and it sold out within hours of its release. Read more...
Who of us, at age 19, hasn’t spat on our neighbor, driven recklessly, smoked a little reefer, and turned the Holocaust into a promo op?
That part of the brain responsible for compassion, humanity and humility isn’t fully developed in our teens, so should we be cutting the Biebernator some slack for the comments he left at the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam?
Here’s what the Biebs wrote last week:
“Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.”
Yeah, it was pretty “great” of her to turn two years of terror hiding in an attic into a document – her diary – which has touched people for over fifty years and will continue to do so for 500 more. Read more...
You would not believe who I saw the other day when I was on the Paramount lot.
I always suspected Dwayne The Rock Johnson was fonder of wrist watches than Mark Wahlberg – that didn’t come as a huge surprise – but I never knew they were both so patriotic.
And as to their builds, it’s like, I always thought Wahlberg looked good in a wife beater in a sort of blue collar real man way, but then you see Dwayne The Rock Johnson, and Wahlberg looks downright wimpy. But then there’s the question of “gym muscles” vs. “bar fight” muscles, so it’s hard to say who would win in a fight. (me, I go with “bar fight” over “gym” any day) Read more...
The funny thing about death is it makes you look over the last few hours you spent with the person before he/she left this earth as we know it.
And truthfully, it was an odd and normal 24 hours prior to the death.
On Monday, I was frantically filling out job applications and those take long hours of cutting and pasting your resume into field boxes and of writing long essays justifying why you are worth their precious time. I had taken a break and gone grumpily into the garden to water the tomato garden we had just planted the day before. He came home shortly before 4pm, proudly carrying 2 more new cherry tomato plant seedlings. Read more...
My dear Aunt Corinne loves me and cares about me. That’s why, when I was a little boy, she made me mini meatballs in a sweet red sauce, took me and my cousins to Disneyland once a year, was never stingy with affection, and, why, today, she sends me e-mails with titles like…
HEART ATTACK SLIDE SHOW – WORTH 45 SECONDS
BREAST CANCER AND DIOXINS
And there was one – I can’t find the title – about how using your cell phone while pumping gas could lead to you being blown up.
Most recently, she sent me
NEW POISONOUS SPIDER IN THE UNITED STATES – NOT A JOKE Read more...
The other day I went to the bar I co-own to do some paperwork, and found two large jars of organic peanut butter sitting on a shelf in the back. Odd. Had we invented a new drink? A Reese’s Cup? A Fizzy Peanut Brittle? A Nutter Butter Shot?
Nope. I was wrong (although I think I’m on to something with that last one).
I found out a customer gave the jars to one of my veteran bartenders, a woman in her mid-thirties. Ah, yes. Hitting on a bartender by giving her gifts. I’ve seen it before – one guy who worked at Levi’s once brought a bartender sixteen pairs of jeans. How he figured out her size I don’t know. Sadly, it didn’t work. I dunno, I’m no expert on courtship, but giving a virtual stranger sixteen pairs of anything might be coming on a little strong. Read more...
I needed a cupcake. Short and simple. I wanted moist and delicious, with a creamy REAL buttercream frosting. (Why oh WHY do people make their frostings out of lard?!? If my frosting doesn’t MOVE when I touch it, there’s just something completely wrong with it.)
Yes, buttercream frosting. Not that Lee Hansen hard as nails frosting that comes out of a Better Crocker jar, and definitely not fondant. (Who LIKES that stuff anyway?) Real BUTTERCREAM frosting, the kind made with sticks and sticks of BUTTER, cups and cups of SUGAR, and just a hint of WHIPPING CREAM.
For me it started years ago on a dreary weekend outside of Portland, Oregon. It’s not like I planned to do it. No one does. It just sorta happened.
My wife and I, and another couple, had a friend’s cabin and DVD player at our disposal. It was cold and pouring rain outside – we could’ve gone outside, braved the elements, and continued picking blackberries (the area was filled with vines and fat berries), but we took a different path, and life has never been the same. On the drive up from California we got on the subject of the TV show Twin Peaks, and, 48 hours later, we emerged bleary eyed from the cabin, after watching 14 episodes in two days. Read more...
Imagine you are a 22 year old young man from a good family, you’ve joined the army, and you are approached by your superior, a colonel, and asked to wear a suicide vest and kill the leader of your country.
Even though it’s obviously treasonous and murderous, you believe it is the correct and righteous thing to do. You tell your father of your intentions, and he replies, “Yes, you have to do this.”