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519 Quintillion Ways To Feel Stupid
In middle school I was pretty good at solving Rubik’s Cubes. All I needed was a dull knife and a bit of torque applied by my wrist in a sharp, upward motion. I would snap off one corner square, and the rest I could pry apart pretty easily. Probably took me about five minutes to “solve” the cube.
The current world champion, Feliks Zemdegs, solved it in 5.66 seconds at the Melbourne Winter Open in 2011, apparently without a butter knife… but nobody likes a showboat.
Recently it was announced that a Rubik’s Cube museum exhibition will open in April 2014 in Jersey City, New Jersey, in honor of the puzzle’s 40th anniversary. No word on whether any future episodes of the Jersey Shore will feature Snookie or Pauly D. trying to solve the puzzle, with or without a butter knife.
The Mathematics of Fatherhood
Math was my favorite subject in high school. I loved algebra and trig (as much as trig can be loved), and even made it through calculus.
But today? I can add, subtract, multiply and divide – sometimes – just to make sure I can pay my employees and balance my checkbook, but that’s about it.
The rest of my math muscle has atrophied.
And then one recent evening, while I was watching in disbelief as both of my beloved Spanish soccer teams were being eliminated from the European Club finals, my 11 year old son walked into the room holding his math textbook and some scratch paper.
“Dad, can you help me?”
You Don’t Mind If I Tamper With The Bible A Little, Do You?
“I’m pretty much Buddhist,” Dean told me the first day we worked together at the St. Vincent de Paul Soup Kitchen in downtown Oakland. “I was a therapist before I retired, and in the service before then, but now I mostly garden and read.”
We chatted as we faced each other on the serving line. Dean is a tall, thin, white man, in his late 50’s or early 60’s, I’m guessing, and he indeed looks like he would’ve been a therapist, possibly of the touchy feely Berkeley variety, or perhaps a junior college professor. In any case, he is soft spoken and has an easygoing, gentle manner, and curly gray sideburns.
US Map As Marked By Movies
This is pretty cool! Only issue is that it represents only the contiquous US. Where’s the Alaska and Hawaii love?
What seminal film would you choose for the 49th and 50th states? For AK, maybe Insomnia or Mystery, Alaska? I don’t know why I’m drawing a blank on this one.
Since I’m from HI, there’s a plethora of choices by I would nominate The Descendents, Blue Hawaii,, or even 51st Dates.
What would you guys choose? Leave in the comments below.
This Chinese Woman is a Literal Ballbuster
A male shopkeeper in the Chinese town of Haikou died last week when a confrontation with a woman resulted in testicular asphxiation. Or to put it in layman’s terms, the woman grabbed the man’s balls and squeezed really hard until he died.
According to reports, the unidentified woman tried to park her scooter in front of the man’s store so she could pick up her child from school, but the man wouldn’t let her. This led to an argument, which led to violence, which led to the unfortunate death.
Just One More Thing…
I’m not good with compliments: giving or receiving them. I don’t know why. But that’s not the point. The point is that, five years ago, I decided I had to do something about it. I had to let Richard Levinson and William Link, the creators of the television show “Columbo,” know exactly how I felt about their work before it was too late.
Levinson had already passed away in 1987, and Link was 74. So I asked my agent to get me Link’s address, which he did, and I sent him this letter:
April 11, 2007
Mr. William Link
xxxxxxxx
Beverly Hills, CA 90210
Dear Mr. Link,
The Top Five Regrets of the Dying
An acquaintance of mine from high school, someone I reconnected with at our reunion this last summer, forwarded me an article from the British newspaper The Guardian entitled
“Top Five Regrets of the Dying.”
I was riveted.
My friends and I – most of us in the midst of raising families and in the middle of our careers – have been comparing notes on things like “meaningfulness,” “boredom,” “regret,” “legacy,” “enthusiasm,” “peace of mind,” etc.
Y’know, mid-life shit.
The natural buoyancy of youth is gone, the bemused contentment (at least that’s how I picture it) of old age isn’t here yet, but we still have lots of fight left in us. We’re just trying to figure out what’s worth fighting for.
How to pack for a month long trip in one carry-on
As some of you may know, I travel quite a bit for my job. I like to pack light, or at least with only a carry-on because I’ve had situations where my check-in luggage has been lost (three times already with Air France aka Air “Chance”). I even wrote about how to pack for a 10 day trip with one carry-on. It must’ve been eons ago…
Now, there are many techniques to packing light. For me, I roll all of my clothes into compact balls and stack or wedge them together in my bag. For my friend, on the other hand, he basically wears all his clothes in layers and peels one layer off (from the inside) every day. He can sometimes wear up to 4 layers of clothes.
Why? The World’s First Lickable Elevator
While I am sure other elevators have had indiscriminate tongues lather their walls, handle bars and buttons just for shits and giggles by some odd fellows here and there, this one, on the other hand, was designed on purpose. The brainchild of some wazoo advertising firm and some British baked good called Jaffa Cakes, the lickable office elevator, at London-based communications company Engine, was covered in 1,325 lickable Jaffa Cakes—you could say it was a ‘tasteful’ alternative to a regular elevator.
There’s “trying” to get pregnant, and then there’s “TRYING” to get pregnant.
There’s a big difference between this…
…and this…
I texted Miguel, who manages one of my bars, an hour before his shift was to start.
“Payroll?”
Payroll was due, and I needed everyone’s hours and tips. Miguel is rarely late with payroll and normally texts me back “will send in next fifteen” or something like that.
This time, however, my phone rang right away.
Miguel: Sorry Fredo, it’s been crazy hectic today. Can I get it to you after my shift?
Alfredo: yeah, I won’t send it off until late tomorrow morning.
Miguel: Annie’s late, so I’ve kind of been seriously distracted today.
Children Medieval Band
Now that’s a metal hard rendition of Rammstein’s “Sonne.” Wow, kids today… And to think that when I was growing up, death metal was banned in my house. Looks like the goth kids and death metal heads of the ’80s and ’90s spawned well adjusted kids to do their rock bidding! Case-in-point: Adorable siblings Stefan, 10, on vocal, guitar, and violin; Olga, 8, on keyboards; and little Cornelia, 5, banging the skins and playing harp. Their band’s name? The Children Medieval Band!
And if German industrial metal is not your cup of tea, they do a pretty good rendition of The Beatles too.I love these kids.. They’re so Scandinavian and cold when they perform! Have a good weekend, everyone!
