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Pro Athletes Have The Best Names

  • January 20, 2012 4:29 am

Forget about Apple, Banjo, Blue Angel, Camera, Jazz Domino, Diva Muffin, Puma, Tabooger, Ocean, Zowie Bowie, or Pilot Inspektor (well, maybe not Pilot Inspektor – what were Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf thinking?), because musicians and actors have got nothing on pro athletes.

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ding, ding, ding! Yes, it's Jacquizz Rodgers!

We live in the Bay Area – the Oakland side – and since we won’t be able to root for the Raiders this playoff season, my fifteen year old son Rafael and I have decided to jump on the 49ers bandwagon.  But it’s hard to muster much umph for a QB named Alex Smith.  Read more...

One Man’s Mental Process When Documenting Fantasy Basketball When He Doesn’t Know How to Play Basketball.

  • January 16, 2012 12:00 am

PROLOGUE:

I’m seriously being asked to document the fantasy basketball league? I don’t know the first thing about sports, let alone basketball! How will I know what to take pictures of?

This is gonna be like a still photographer being asked to document the behind-the-scenes stuff for a movie and only taking pictures of the craft service table.

It’s been how long since I touched a basketball? That’s one of the bigger sports balls, right? Justsayyesjustsayyesjustsayyes.

“Yeah, I’ll do it!”

…crap.  Read more...

The Bet

  • January 13, 2012 4:31 am

Here’s the bet: if the Broncos win the Superbowl, and Tebow is named MVP, my 15 year old son Rafael will “convert to whatever religion Tebow is, but not as devoted as him, because that’s not possible.”

And as we all know, ever since the NFL banned eye black Bible references because of Tebow (John 3:16), he’s a Christian.

Me, I’m a fence sitting wannabe doubting Catholic (well, “doubting’s” a bit of a gloss: I’m 90% atheist, 10% agnostic, and somewhere in that 10% I concede that God may exist), but then again, last Sunday, even though he wasn’t allowed to write “3:16” on his face, Tebow did throw for 316 yards in his, ahem, miraculous win against the heavily favored Steelers.  Read more...

YOMYOMF Podcast: On the Offensive – The Itch Edition

  • January 10, 2012 3:00 pm

If you’ve been following YOMYOMF over the holidays, you may have read about some of our members’ moment in the spotlight of the fantasy sports universe via an ESPN/Grantland Bill Simmons column. Well, if you’re interested in following our soap opera of a fantasy league (declared by Simmons as “the greatest fantasy league EVER” – his words, not mine), we’ve got a bit of a follow-up.

Several of our basketball-crazed Offenders and extended members of the Family gathered together last week to present the second official podcast of the YOMYOMF network, which we’ve come to name “On the Offensive,” with this version aptly being the sports edition, or what we like to call, “The Itch.”  Read more...

Best Victory Celebrations: Touchdowns vs. Soccer Goals

  • December 27, 2011 4:32 am

My fifteen year old son Rafael’s DVR season passes include No Huddle, Sound FX, NFL Total Access, NFL Fantasy Live,The League, The Rich Eisen Podcast, and The Coach Show.

My DVR season passes include the Spanish Primera Division Soccer, Oh My Gol!, Bundesliga Soccer, and the UEFA Europa League Soccer.

I was born in Spain.

My son was born in the U.S. of A.

But whether you like or despise universal health care, like or despise a big military, like or despise stinky cheeses, I think we can all agree that NFL player Joe Horn’s “cell phone” celebration is the best victory celebration on either continent.

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Best day of the year

  • December 22, 2011 3:12 pm

Barring birth of a child or a White House visit, this is my favorite event every year (and no it’s not red carpet premieres or globetrotting around the world scouting locations).  It’s fantasy basketball draft– by far.

Yes, that's a microphone for each team to announce their draft selection.

This year was no different.  While I’d love to continue sharing with you what this world is all about via this blog , I think it is better if it’s done by someone who is the best in the business– Bill Simmons.

Please read his blog here and then come back for the visual tour, courtesy of Offender Jerome.  Read more...

The 33 Strategies of Sports: Grand Strategy

  • December 14, 2011 8:36 pm

You wake up one day and decide you’re going to take your goal seriously. No more bullshit. I’m going to do whatever it takes to succeed. You recruit your team, call up friends, colleagues, making your bold announcement. They’re behind you. You’re going to kick ass. You do the appropriate research on the internet. But something happens. This takes longer than you thought, since “researching the internet” unleashes a landmine of information — articles about politics, healthy living, sports, entertainment, free porn, the death of a celebrity, etc. Sometimes, you “research” for hours and realize you did not “research” anything. Additionally, the phone calls you are engaged in are no longer about your project — but the project of the person on the other end. You are now helping your colleagues with their project. Enough time goes by and you forget why you were so hyped up to begin with. You have lost track of your goal and are no longer pursuing it. You are now the cog in someone else’s goal.

You then begin the process all over again. This is the majority of how things go in life. How do you break this vicious cycle and reach your ultimate goal? Sports, perhaps the last primal act in entertainment, can be your great teacher in vanquishing this terrible habit. Welcome back to “The 33 Strategies of Sports”, a concoction of Robert Greene’s “The 33 Strategies of War” and sports history.  Read more...

Good News Everyone!

  • October 10, 2011 8:05 pm

Today my son got moved up to varsity.

Up until three hours ago, he played left tackle on the JV football team.  Tomorrow he suits up with the varsity squad.  My wife is worried that his chances of getting a concussion just skyrocketed.

And how do I feel about it?

Kinda like this guy….

Only prouder.

There’s so much to say here, beginning with how much I hated jocks – football players, in particular – when I was in high school, and probably ending with how my son discovered football completely on his own, after my wife and I had thrown baseball, soccer, swimming and tennis at him, but I don’t have the time to tell you about all this because me and my boy are in the middle of the Detroit/Chicago game.  Read more...

Life: The Rewrite

  • September 23, 2011 3:56 am

He tapped on the glass and I unrolled the window.

“Can I see your driver’s license?”

I handed the cop my license and watched as he walked away from my car and started talking to another cop.  He didn’t run my license through his patrol car computer.  I wondered why.  He came back, leaned on the door frame, and looked inside the car.

“Do you have a gun in the car?” he asked.

I glanced in the rear view mirror at my 11 year old son Gabriel and his friend Cyrus.  They looked confused, astonished.  So did I.

“No,” I answered.  Read more...

The Non-Engagement Strategy

  • September 15, 2011 7:52 pm

Today, you create a work of art everyone laughs at. Fifty years from now, you’re a genius. Today, you’re a zit riddled teenager no one wants to sleep with. Fifteen years later, you have amazing confidence and can sleep with anyone. Today, you deal with a powerful enemy that humiliates you. Five years from now, that foe loses his ass in the stock market and is suddenly not so powerful anymore. You have them right where you want them. What do these scenarios have in common? Time. This is the only element that has more power than money, sex and power itself.

Because everything eventually changes. You just need to live beyond the terrible situation you’re in today. Not force anything and let nature take its course. Could any of us foresee the end of Blockbuster Video? Starbucks, Google, Apple seem powerful now, but one day, just like anything, they will be toppled and it will be someone else’s turn. You could be that someone else. The laws of nature finds its way into every facet of life, whether we recognize it or not. Understanding its mechanism could determine your fate.

Welcome back to THE 33 STRATEGIES OF SPORTS, a concoction of Robert Greene’s “The 33 Strategies of War” and sports history.

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Kick Off!

  • August 30, 2011 4:09 am

Here is a brief accounting of the good natured ribbing which occurred during the pre-season game between the Oakland Raiders and the San Francisco 49ers:

…one bystander: punched after trying to break up a fight between two alleged gang members.

…one drunk ass: thrown in jail after being stopped by two bike cops, grabbing one of their handle bars, and yelling “take their bikes!”  No word on whether other fans took his exhortation to heart.

Just want to point out that it's never in poor taste to include a picture of Jessica Alba wearing a Raiders cap.

…one man: waiting for the bathroom, ends up hospitalized after someone slams his head into the wall.  Read more...

I’ve taken up parkour.

  • August 18, 2011 3:28 am

That’s not to say I’m an expert on it or any other sort of cocky sentiment.  It means, quite plainly, that I am now taking classes for it.  That’s it.

And that’s not just because I’m self-effacing.  I literally fell on my face on the way to the first class, so I definitely have a long way to go.  I’m willing to put the time in to look like the guy above though.

While also a sport, Parkour is at its core a philosophy revolving around overcoming the obstacles around you, whether physical or mental.

And as much as the instructor stresses that it’s not about looking cool, it’s incredibly difficult to watch movies or look at pictures of its premiere practitioners and not think, “I want to look that awesome.”  Read more...

How to Pitch a No-Hitter on Acid

  • July 28, 2011 12:01 am

I was walking at 3am recently and came face to face with a creature. The Silhouette of something fierce. Nightmarish. And perhaps deadly. It stared at me like it was studying how it was going to tear me apart. What the hell was this thing? A dog. A rat. A cat. A hairy baby?

After our tender moment passed — that is, after I failed to conclude whether I should run, reach for a rock, scream for help — the thing started running. The opposite direction! It staggered like a football with four little legs. And I ran after it. It was fat. It was slow. It was a possum!

Possums. Wow. What do they have to protect themselves with? They don’t bite. They have no speed. They’re not cute (necessarily). Why have they survived so long? A rat has diseases and isn’t scared of shit. A cat can claw your face into proscuito. A dog kisses your ass into submission.

The lesson here is that, had the possum not moved, I might have decide to walk another direction. Had it charged at me and made shrieking noises, I might run away from it. Possums have size. Hollow eyes. They have the bat thing going. If I were their PR guy, I would coach them into using reverse-intimidation tactics.  Read more...

Size Doesn’t Matter

  • July 7, 2011 6:30 am

Watching someone small beat someone big is pretty awesome, isn’t it? It may be the most thrilling element of a sports competition. Nate Robinson and Doug Flutie’s popularities can be attributed to their tininess. They’re very charismatic people — but like actors, we project ourselves onto athletes, as they remind us that small doesn’t mean weak.

But even being weak is a powerful tool. You have used this strategy yourself when you were child, pretending to be sick to avoid going to school. We live in a passive aggressive world. In fact, in war, feigning weakness is the most popular strategy. Why? Because it has worked for thousands of years.

Welcome back to “The 33 Strategies of Sports”, a concoction of Robert Greene’s wonderful pamphlet, “The 33 Strategies of War” and sports history. This week…

THE COUNTER ATTACK STRATEGY

In 1990, a new young tennis star had emerged in the world of tennis. His name was Andre Agassi. Agassi had reached his first Grand Slam Finals, the 1990 French Open against a washed up Andres Gomez. Agassi was heavily favored — it was his time. But Gomez upset the young man. The French clay courts slowed down young Agassi’s aggressive attacks. Oh well, Agassi would have many more opportunities to conquer France. His fashion sense and unorthodox style was a Nielsen Rating wet dream. The guy made tennis cool again. He was a star and even married Brooke Shields of “The Blue Lagoon”. Ultimately, he managed to win every Grand Slam except for the French Open (only four other players in history won all four Grand Slams). But injuries and a Hollywood lifestyle wrecked him.  Read more...

The Perfect Economy Strategy

  • June 30, 2011 12:01 am

PIPE DREAMS FOR SALE

If you just do this one thing, you will increase chances of success by 90%. Fight the fights you can win and retreat from the ones you can’t. But how do you know when to fight or retreat? There’s only one way. KNOWING YOUR OWN LIMITS. That sounds easy, doesn’t it? But being honest with yourself is actually the most difficult thing in this world — where pipe dreams are always on sale. Welcome back to “The 33 Strategies of Sports”, a concoction of Robert Greene and sports. This week…

THE PERFECT ECONOMY STRATEGY

In 1988, The Los Angeles Lakers defeated the Detroit Pistons in 7 grueling games at the Forum to win the title. LA was the first team to repeat as NBA Champs in 17 years. That September, the Dodgers won the World Series. 1988 was a great year for the City of Angels. Lakers coach Pat Riley was so sure his Lakers could win a third consecutive title, he copyrighted the term “three-peat” for the eventual third championship (and still owns it).

And why should Riley be wrong? The “Showtime” Lakers had no weaknesses. MVP Magic Johnson, the greatest player of his generation, was 29 and still in his prime. James Worthy unleashed a triple-double in Game 7 to defeat the Pistons — and was only getting better. Every guy on the team was a fucking warrior. Michael Cooper. A.C. Green. Byron Scott. This was an All-Star team. And of course there was legendary center Kareem Abdul Jabbar (who won 5 titles with Magic). Jabbar was 41 but could not walk away from a dynasty. Besides, his conditioning was excellent and his hook shot remained unstoppable (he is still the highest scoring player in NBA history). And of course, there was Coach Riley, the George Patton of basketball.  Read more...

North Korean Soccer Team Lost to the U.S. Because They Were Struck by Lightning

  • June 29, 2011 12:01 am

To which I respond, “I hate when that happens.”

The North Korean team lost yesterday’s Women’s World Cup soccer match against the U.S. 2-0. I’ve already written about how boooooooring soccer is so I didn’t watch the game in question, but supposedly the North Korean women played quite well especially considering they have the youngest team in the tournament with an average age of only 20. So all in all, they competed admirably and lost honorably.

But since this is North Korea, the story would not be complete until you served it up with a side order of crazy.

After the match, the NK coach Kwang Min Kim told the press that the real reason his team lost was because…well, they had been struck by lightning. Here’s what he said:

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Take a Bite Out of This Grilled Ch’i Sandwich

  • June 23, 2011 3:00 pm

Most sports fans are attached to teams from the city they’re from. I know a bunch of guys from the Bay Area who are die-hard Golden Warrior fans. I have a buddy from Atlanta who doesn’t totally watch sports, but feels an affinity to the Falcons and Hawks. I know a classical violinist who I never thought would watch sports but still speaks of the Rick Adelman era fondly — she’s from Sacramento and still watches the Kings (poor soul).

I’ll give you another reason why sports is important to people. The human need to feel bigger than we are. Nobody likes to feel small. Or, should I say, no one likes to be reminded how downright microscopic they really are. You were a sperm in your dad’s balls that fought 200,000 other sperms to arrive at your mom’s egg. You got in. The other 199,000 got second place. Now, you’re a human being existing amongst billions with aspirations to evolve in a universe that contains 170 billion galaxies.

This need for evolution could come in the form of 1) a career that will give you the opportunity to express this need 2) having children who can learn from your wisdom and add to it or 3) simply having an itch to evolve (since you’ll never get rid of it)…or you can call this, feeling unsatisfied with your life.

Welcome back to “The 33 Strategies of Sports”, a concoction of Robert Greene’s masterful book and sports history. This week…  Read more...

The Art of Calculated Disorder

  • June 17, 2011 12:01 am

After the Mavericks beat the Heat, the two most popular sports in America (football and basketball) may disappear for a long time. Ray Lewis warned white America that this could result in more crime. This is not a threat. Rabid fans will have nothing to channel their reservoir of aggression with. People need a release (look what happened in Vancouver on Wednesday). In fact, sports may be the very fabric that keeps society together. Of course, the NFL and NBA strike may tear this fabric apart. Welcome back to “The 33 Strategies of War” by Robert Greene as seen through the eyes of sports. This week…

THE CONTROLLED CHAOS STRATEGY

Corporations have conspired to destroy freshness and purity from everything. Look what happened to movies. I have a tremendous threshold for bad films. Some of my favorite memories are of sitting in a theatre, watching something god-awful. But movies today are not even bad. Like our food, they just taste like food. Movies only look like movies (exceptions like “Black Swan”, “Inception” and “Enter the Void” are few and far between). So, what is missing from food and movies?  Read more...

My New Boyfriend

  • June 14, 2011 3:50 am

I think I’m in love.  His name is Jose Juan Barea.

I call him J.J..  Isn’t he dreamy?

Here’s how I know J.J. and I are meant to be together:

J.J. plays point guard for the 2011 NBA Champion Dallas Mavericks.   I watched him play point guard for the 2011 NBA Champion Dallas Mavericks!

J.J. was born in Puerto Rico. I was born in Spain. Didn’t Spain once colonize Puerto Rico? (there’s one or two things I’d let J.J. colonize now, lemme tell you – and I don’t even know what that means, but I bet J.J. does).

He’s 26! I was once 26!  Read more...

The Command and Control Strategy

  • May 28, 2011 9:03 pm

Welcome back to “The 33 Strategies of War” by Robert Greene, as seen through the hidden lessons of sports. Last week, we digested The Death Ground Strategy, finishing our first course, “Self-Directed Warfare”.

Now, let us begin the second course, “Organizational Team Warfare”, the first dish being…

THE COMMAND AND CONTROL STRATEGY

Unless you live in a cave, you know this situation well. You’ve been hired to complete an important project. You recruit a group of creative people. Everyone has ideas they want to contribute, including your investors, reducing your brilliant plans to rubble. The project ends up okay, but you know it could have been amazing shit had they followed your vision. Too many egos. Too many ideas. There’s a saying in sports. There’s only one ball to go around.

 Read more...