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SAF Seeking…. The Secret Ingredient!

  • April 2, 2012 8:11 am

"Be unto others as you would want them to be unto you,"... something like that.

The text said, “I feel you’re constantly reminding me that you hate it here.”

I have been CAUGHT!

Funny doesn’t always translate via text. He can’t see me slap my knee and go “Hyuck yuck yuck!” to emphasis the joke. Sucks cuz I WAS being passive-aggressive. The grain of truth stuck out more than the joke.

I didn’t want to go back to LA. I had tried to joke about it via text, “Oh, don’t make me go back to LA!” I had cheerfully written. But he could see right thru my fake-ass facade and called me out on it.  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Final Destination? Oh hell no!

  • March 26, 2012 10:24 am

Darn, I thought Southwest had a better safety rating!


“You have a uneventful flight!” the taxi van man said to me cryptically.

“Uneventful flight?” my head started spinning.  “Like what kind of events am I being ‘uneventful’ about?” Thought thought thought. “Suicide bomber?” “Plane losing fuel?” “Fuselage being ripped open above me?” By the time my foot hit the pleasantly sliding glass door of Tucson International airport, I was a walking ball of vomit just looking for the nearest plant to empty my coffee lunch.

You see, I have a huge fear of flying. I know, I’m a big fat pussy cat, right? “There is more danger in driving than flying!” “You’re more likely to get run over by Muni than be in a plane crash!” I KNOW!!!!!  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Cat Love

  • March 19, 2012 12:48 pm

Ah LOVE!

Oh the glories of sleeping next to the man I love! Nookie at night, nookie by day, nookie on call! At night we fall asleep while staring deeply into each other’s eyes and sharing deep pillow talk: “You’re so beautiful.” “No, you’re beautiful!” “You smell good.” YOU smell good!” In the morning, I am greeted by butterfly kisses, tickles, and a morning cup of tea brought cheerfully to my still-crusty-morning-eyes. “You’re so beautiful.” “No, YOU’RE beautiful!!” “You’re so cute when you wake up.” “No, YOU’RE cute…”

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Giggles! Laughing! Intertwined tanned and impossibly smoothly shaved limbs tangled in Downy-scented freshly-washed and softly-pastelled 1500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets! Hardwood floors! Skylights! It’s like a commercial for lotion. Everything is PURRRRFECT!  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Learning Man-Speak, Lesson #1

  • March 5, 2012 11:41 am

Oh, so that's a hexagonal prybar. Is that for opening your car when you forget your keys?

“It has to be 15mm,” I announce loudly.

“That’s stupid,” he grunts.

“That’s what it says,” I insist.

He looks up, his eyes searching for weakness in mine. I stare back defiantly, or as best as I could. I relent. My voice quavers, “Well, it says TWELVE to fifteen millimeters…”

This is one of those Mexican stand-offs for co-habitating sinning couples: the installation of the bedroom hardwood floors.  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Landing in LA

  • February 27, 2012 12:55 pm

Where the hell????

Drove to work this morning while the LA sun battled with the LA haze to shine more particles on us hapless car zombies below. This was strange. There was no traffic. What is usually a 50+ minute car commute to me, was strangely pleasant. Usually I’m crawling at 15 mph with an occasional “Hey, what the hell! Use your turn signal!” immediate brake here and there. I’m humming along at 65 mph at 8:30am, very odd. I even get off my exit (Glendale Blvd) and no traffic. Usually it’s a sea of red lights bottlenecking themselves into 2 lanes (down from 5) and at least one homeless man with a sign that says, “God Bless You!” walking from driver’s side window to the next, giving you the eye and hoping to catch a moment of insecurity from you. I’m whizzing along. I’m actually on the streets of downtown LA now, and I’m actually driving fast enough to pass the bicyclists. (Rare, indeed!) I’m a bit unnerved. Is it a holiday? Wasn’t President’s Day last week?

Empty Glendale Blvd... where are my fellow car sufferers????  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Middle Ground

  • February 20, 2012 11:51 am

Ahh, my ears are bleeding!

I was yelled at while at work. The reason for my yelling?

I don’t speak Spanish.

Yes, I was one of those unfortunate people who took French in high school and continued with it in college. I tried in vain to take Spanish while taking French for a while, but trying to learn two languages that are similar and yet so different had me mixing my words and lowering my test scores so I stopped. Figure I’d read more Moliere anyway.  Read more...

SAF Seeking… First Meetings on Repeat

  • January 1, 2012 10:53 am

Sex happens HERE!


Imagine a snow lodge. A hostel style lodge out in the Lake Tahoe area. Where people can get a discounted night’s stay if they do one single chore per day. It has a hot tub for those apres-ski days. It attracts lots of young adventurous types… mostly long-haired scruffy-chinned boys who can quote Proust and give you the ingredients to a good absinthe cocktail. And girls who wear those hats with the ears and Ugg boots. Sexy young sexuals all colliding into bunk rooms and closet-like cubicles with two beds masquerading as private bedrooms.

Into this mix, throw in a few budget seeking travelers.  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Happy Elephant Trunk

  • December 18, 2011 7:53 am

Who's a lucky elephant?!

“And the sex is sooooo gooooood!” my friend ‘Jasmine’ gushed. “He’s so humble and quiet in public, but in bed he’s so confident and strong. He just knows how to pick me up and throw me around.”

We were driving down the 101 on a two hour journey. We were both trail runners and we’d heard of this amazing trail near Monterey that was apparently epic. But what was more epic was that Jasmine… was in love!

“And he has this curved.. no, BENT!…penis.” She added. I nodded. Oh, I’ve had experiences with the mighty flesh scimitar. The last one gave my ovaries a run for their money; they were constantly skewered. Which means a lot when you think of how off to the SIDE the ovaries are placed.  Read more...

SAF Seeking… No ‘Piss-takes’!

  • November 26, 2011 11:48 pm

I'm not naughty, I'm a proper girl!

Here it is, Thanksgiving weekend! I’m going to impress my man’s family! Oh yes I am! I am armed with my best green beans recipe and the secret to a Brown Betty crust that is to-die-for! I will be humorous and gracious! I will not talk about sex or politics or religion! I’m dressed in my Thanksgiving best! (Argle sweater with dark jeans: tasteful and casual, check!) I’m driving down the I-5 freeway from San Francisco to Los Angeles singing the Dixie Chicks “Landslide”at full volume! 5 1/2 hours til first impression made!

It’s dark. I like to drive long distances at night cuz I can hit 85 mph without fear of the dreaded CA Highway Patrol. (It’s when you hit 90 mph they become suspicious!)  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Colorblind mama

  • November 20, 2011 8:08 am

You have no idea what blinds mean to me now.

“Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!” My mom furiously flashed her middle finger through the mini-blinds of our living room. She did it right-side up, then sideways, then the other side, upside-down, and then right-side up so that I got it from all angles.

My mom wasn’t an OSCM or a Tiger Mom, my mom was an irrational screaming banshee.

I was in high school and it was one of those realizations that my mom was a nut head. You see, my mom was always paranoid. Seriously PARANOID. It made me wonder how immigration works in a head like hers, “I’m going to leave the Philippines where everyone dances with coconuts on their breasts and go to a country where everyday there’s rape and murder and crime! I can’t wait to become an American citizen!”  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Answers to Why?

  • November 14, 2011 8:31 am

“..And when I came home, all his stuff was gone,” my friend sniffed into the growing pile of tissue in her hand.

It was Sunday night, a clear and crisp night in San Francisco, and I was sitting at my friend ‘Julia’s $300,000 five hundred square foot studio with the $800/month HOA fees (just to give you an idea of SF real estate prices). It wasn’t meant to be a girls’ night, but when a friend calls you with that kind of news, the only thing that helps is ice cream, cookies, and Kleenex.

“He took all the pictures of us together that were on the refrigerator. He even took the paper heart he made me.” I looked around the room. (It really is just one room.) The refrigerator was bare. I remember it being covered with snapshots.  Read more...

SAF Seeking…. Mom and Dad’s Approval

  • November 6, 2011 1:47 pm

Oh, my EYES!


He wasn’t quite erect but he was aroused. Wait, was was THAT?! Oh, pardon me, he’s highly erect. And somehow, in his sleep-heavy haze, he’s somehow magically taken off his underwear. He is spooning me in his nakedness; I am fully clothed in my pink flannel jammies with the sledding, knit-cap wearing polar bears.. and now I have a ginormous fleshy pestle trying to pound my lower vertebrate into powder.

Feed my need!

I’m not quite awake, and you know when it’s sleepy sex… not quite awake to pamper and respond, not quite asleep to be oblivious. Just sex. Like two lions in the wild. No mating ritual required. No personality or technique needed. Just wham bam! and zzzzzzzz again. I don’t really want to wake up, I just want to feel the pleasure that he’s slightly too sleepy to realize he’s giving.  Read more...