SAF Seeking… Perfection in imperfection

This is a cleft lip.
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And this is a cleft lip.

Hello! I see you too!

Hello! I see you too!

And this? Yup, cleft lip.

Good morning America!

Good morning America!

My daughter will be born with one. Possibly a cleft palate as well (see below) but the sonogram can’t confirm that although it is still a possibility for which I should brace and prepare myself.

If you look inside his mouth, you can see that the palate is split, therefore a 'cleft' palate.

If you look inside his mouth, you can see that the palate is split, therefore a ‘cleft’ palate.

SAF Seeking… Maturation

imageANNIKA

Annika is a 28 year old Cambodian Vietnamese Chinese French American who recently returned to school to finish a bachelor’s degree in computer science and linguistics. Her hobbies and interests include swimming, cooking, baking, writing, reading, math, symbolic logic, learning foreign languages, and drinking espresso – and of course, boys.

No. No time for a social life. :)

No. No time for a social life. :)

OK, I suck at following through.

Life’s been busy. I started school again at the beginning of September and picked up a night shift at one of my jobs. On average, I get about four hours of sleep — maybe five, if I am fortunate enough to get a 7 AM shift at Starbucks. Saturdays, I have school on almost the other side of town and Sundays, I am working, working, working. I don’t get a single day off.

BUT! I say I suck at following through not because I haven’t been blogging, but because I’m still seeing Lukas, albeit on a very, very irregular basis.

So much for one night, eh?

SAF seeking… The meaning of ‘Defect’

Celebrate or cry? (Btw: this is not my sonogram.)

Celebrate or cry? (Btw: this is not my sonogram.)


“We found…”

Not exactly the words you want to hear when you’re already having an unplanned pregnancy as a soon-to-be single mom.

My best friend had excitedly accompanied me to the 20 week sonogram. Life was looking good. I was finally over the first trimester of constant headaches and nausea. I had a little bit more energy. And I was slowly beginning to accept the decision to have a child at this point in my life.

SAF Seeking… Escape from hormonal hell

"Taking over the world, one pregnant woman at a time."

“Taking over the world, one pregnant woman at a time.”


So this is how man conquered woman. I see. You want to control a woman, take away birth control.

Seriously y’all. (Hobby Lobby take note.)

Because for the the years I was child-free, I had some modicum of control over my body. The moment I chose to be pregnant (notice that I chose the word ‘chose’), I have never been so sucker-punched and betrayed by my own body on a regular basis. For the first four months of pregnancy, I fought constant blinding headaches, a persistent disinterest in eating, and an all-consuming need to sleep. And contrary to outside perception, I WAS NOT BEING LAZY. I was fighting my body every step of the way.

SAF Seeking… Acceptance

I'm baaaaaaaaack!!!!

I’m baaaaaaaaack!!!!

Well, apparently it wasn’t a miscarriage.

I was sick a couple of weeks ago and since work wouldn’t allow me to come into the office (although I had a tower of stuff to do that was time-sensitive and no one else to do it), I decided to go to the doctor and get swabbed for strep throat which was making the rounds in Oakland. Hey, while I’m at the doctor’s, I should just go toddle off to the OB/GYN and make sure all that miscarriage stuff is cleared out of me just in case.

So imagine my surprise after being gagged with a strep swab and then poked by an ultra sound wand and a chuckle of “Well, you’re still pregnant.”
-”No I’m not.”
-”Yes you are.”
-”No I’m not.”
-”Look at the monitor.”

SAF Seeking… Laughter. Fleeting. Perfection.

guest_offenderANNIKA

Annika is a 28 year old Cambodian Vietnamese Chinese French American who recently returned to school to finish a bachelor’s degree in computer science and linguistics. Her hobbies and interests include swimming, cooking, baking, writing, reading, math, symbolic logic, learning foreign languages, and drinking espresso – and of course, boys.

You funny!!!

You funny!!!

He’s laughing.

“What are you laughing about?” I say.

We were, predictably, in bed after a long, few hours of dinner, wine, talking, smoking, listening to music, hand-holding, cuddling on the couch on the balcony, and getting to know each other through words and gestures.

A cigarette break on the balcony with him sitting on the couch while embracing me from behind, his head resting itself on my lower back, as I leaned over the rail, facing away from him puffing smoke into the warm Hollywood night. He pulls me onto his lap to exchange some words that, at this moment, I don’t remember because I was so lost in the moment. I remember nodding my head and leaning in to kiss him for the first time which, inevitably, led to very sensuous bodily movements and my suggestion that we take this into his bedroom just five feet away which then led into me taking my clothes off and him following suit in my disrobement to reveal one of the best male bodies I had seen all year and then him putting on a condom for… two seconds of sex.

Literally two seconds.

SAF Seeking… Her Groove and a Way to Get it Back

guest_offenderANNIKA

Annika is a 28 year old Cambodian Vietnamese Chinese French American who recently returned to school to finish a bachelor’s degree in computer science and linguistics. Her hobbies and interests include swimming, cooking, baking, writing, reading, math, symbolic logic, learning foreign languages, and drinking espresso – and of course, boys.

Oh yes, I am eye fucking you right now.

Oh yes, I am eye fucking you right now.

Indeed, we were exchanging glances of a certain intensity and an aloof furtiveness that required a cigarette break after. “Eye-fucking” as they call it.

My friend, “Tiger,” invited me out to the Avalon, a Hollywood techno club, as it was her boyfriend’s birthday and he purchased tickets to see some relatively unknown DJs spinning that night. I agreed to come along as I didn’t have anything else going on that night for once and that it would be a good opportunity to force myself to be social outside of work. In addition, the Avalon had been renovated since I was last there (and I was quite a regular, pre-renovation), so I figured I’d check it out, have a few drinks, dance a little, then take a Lyft back home to Culver City around 3 AM as I had to work at 10 AM the next day.

SAF seeking… A French Connection Part 2

guest_offendersANNIKA

Annika is a 28 year old Cambodian Vietnamese Chinese French American who recently returned to school to finish a bachelor’s degree in computer science and linguistics. Her hobbies and interests include swimming, cooking, baking, writing, reading, math, symbolic logic, learning foreign languages, and drinking espresso – and of course, boys.

(Read Part 1 here)

Oh those Frenchies!

Oh those Frenchies!

Sweat beads roll down his forehead and into my left eye as he’s thrusting.

Goddamnit. Ow. My make-up!

I’m half-squinting like a pirate who forgot his eye patch.

I make a swift shift of my head to the left to avoid anymore of his sweat getting into my eyes. His head follows suit and as he leans down to kiss me, MORE sweat gets into my eyes.

For fuck’s sake!

SAF Seeking… A reason to believe in a god

image

“His organs are shutting down.”

I stare at the text. It’s 830am and I’m packing to get on the road for a 6pm go-time of a long-anticipated wedding way up in the California foothills.

Leonardo is dying. It’s been just a little over a year since his Stage IV cancer was diagnosed. Honestly, I thought he was going to beat it. He increased his positivity and prayer and looked on no side that boded ill. If you doubted him, you were against him and he was going to prove you wrong.

SAF Seeking… The Path Not Taken

No, not spam and eggs... SPERM and eggs!!

No, not spam and eggs… SPERM and eggs!!

I had braced myself for a hit. A slap. I opened my eyes. He had sat there staring forward out the front window shield, his hand lightly resting on the driver’s wheel while his mouth hung slack-jawed. It was 10pm at night and we had been sitting in his parked car outside the Fox Theatre in Oakland.

That’s how I remember him when I uttered “I’m pregnant,” to him as fast as I could before my courage waned and before he had to get back on stage.

We agreed to talk about it later when he had time to think about it.

*****

Wow.

SAF seeking… One small step

Is this coat not sexy?!?

Is this coat not sexy?!?

“I don’t know what to do with all this.” He motions to my furry coat, complete with sheep fur collar and cuffs. (I thought I was a vision in fluffiness; apparently I was a ball of cock-block.)

“But I’m cold,” I retorted as I looked around his room. (Hmm, he has a large collection of horror films.)

“I’ll keep you warm,” he protests.

“How?!?” I asked incredulously, pulling my warm coat closer around me. (Stupid rent-controlled SF apartments- they’re always drafty!)

“Just take it off.” I reluctantly remove my coat. He comes forward and gives me a full-body hug. It’s soft and warm. “Feel warm?”

I nod.

SAF seeking… A French Connection part 1

guest_offendersANNIKA

Annika is a 20-something year old newly single divorcee who recently returned to school to complete a bachelor’s degree in computational linguistics. She spends her time baking, cooking, swimming, hanging at pubs, trying different foods and restaurants, and inappropriately staring at the asses of unassuming men. She currently lives in Los Angeles.

Hey, do guys really notice if you haven't shaved your legs?!

Hey, do guys really notice if you haven’t shaved your legs?!

“Oh my god, I forgot to shave my legs. I hope he didn’t notice. He won’t, right? I’m Asian, I’m practically hairless!”

I’m sprinting to my car from the office in a neighborhood adjacent to Beverly Hills. He lives not far away from where I work and we actually have another hour before our agreed upon meeting time but he did extract from me a promise that I would get there sooner if I could, so there was no point in going back to my home to shave my legs.

His name is “Pierre” and we met two days prior to that while standing in line at Starbucks where I ordered a Blackberry Mojito Tea Lemonade with no other intentions in mind other than to drink my drink and go home. He was a rather tall gentleman for a Frenchman (5’9”ish), with beautiful, dreamy, thick dark blonde hair, peppered with a little grey, and your typical European hipster glasses. He was also kind of hairy, from what I could tell under his V-neck shirt, and I had also never been with a Frenchman before and so I think, “Why not check this box off?”