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SAF Seeking… First Meetings on Repeat

  • January 1, 2012 10:53 am

Sex happens HERE!


Imagine a snow lodge. A hostel style lodge out in the Lake Tahoe area. Where people can get a discounted night’s stay if they do one single chore per day. It has a hot tub for those apres-ski days. It attracts lots of young adventurous types… mostly long-haired scruffy-chinned boys who can quote Proust and give you the ingredients to a good absinthe cocktail. And girls who wear those hats with the ears and Ugg boots. Sexy young sexuals all colliding into bunk rooms and closet-like cubicles with two beds masquerading as private bedrooms.

Into this mix, throw in a few budget seeking travelers.  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Happy Elephant Trunk

  • December 18, 2011 7:53 am

Who's a lucky elephant?!

“And the sex is sooooo gooooood!” my friend ‘Jasmine’ gushed. “He’s so humble and quiet in public, but in bed he’s so confident and strong. He just knows how to pick me up and throw me around.”

We were driving down the 101 on a two hour journey. We were both trail runners and we’d heard of this amazing trail near Monterey that was apparently epic. But what was more epic was that Jasmine… was in love!

“And he has this curved.. no, BENT!…penis.” She added. I nodded. Oh, I’ve had experiences with the mighty flesh scimitar. The last one gave my ovaries a run for their money; they were constantly skewered. Which means a lot when you think of how off to the SIDE the ovaries are placed.  Read more...

SAF Seeking… No ‘Piss-takes’!

  • November 26, 2011 11:48 pm

I'm not naughty, I'm a proper girl!

Here it is, Thanksgiving weekend! I’m going to impress my man’s family! Oh yes I am! I am armed with my best green beans recipe and the secret to a Brown Betty crust that is to-die-for! I will be humorous and gracious! I will not talk about sex or politics or religion! I’m dressed in my Thanksgiving best! (Argle sweater with dark jeans: tasteful and casual, check!) I’m driving down the I-5 freeway from San Francisco to Los Angeles singing the Dixie Chicks “Landslide”at full volume! 5 1/2 hours til first impression made!

It’s dark. I like to drive long distances at night cuz I can hit 85 mph without fear of the dreaded CA Highway Patrol. (It’s when you hit 90 mph they become suspicious!)  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Colorblind mama

  • November 20, 2011 8:08 am

You have no idea what blinds mean to me now.

“Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!” My mom furiously flashed her middle finger through the mini-blinds of our living room. She did it right-side up, then sideways, then the other side, upside-down, and then right-side up so that I got it from all angles.

My mom wasn’t an OSCM or a Tiger Mom, my mom was an irrational screaming banshee.

I was in high school and it was one of those realizations that my mom was a nut head. You see, my mom was always paranoid. Seriously PARANOID. It made me wonder how immigration works in a head like hers, “I’m going to leave the Philippines where everyone dances with coconuts on their breasts and go to a country where everyday there’s rape and murder and crime! I can’t wait to become an American citizen!”  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Answers to Why?

  • November 14, 2011 8:31 am

“..And when I came home, all his stuff was gone,” my friend sniffed into the growing pile of tissue in her hand.

It was Sunday night, a clear and crisp night in San Francisco, and I was sitting at my friend ‘Julia’s $300,000 five hundred square foot studio with the $800/month HOA fees (just to give you an idea of SF real estate prices). It wasn’t meant to be a girls’ night, but when a friend calls you with that kind of news, the only thing that helps is ice cream, cookies, and Kleenex.

“He took all the pictures of us together that were on the refrigerator. He even took the paper heart he made me.” I looked around the room. (It really is just one room.) The refrigerator was bare. I remember it being covered with snapshots.  Read more...

SAF Seeking…. Mom and Dad’s Approval

  • November 6, 2011 1:47 pm

Oh, my EYES!


He wasn’t quite erect but he was aroused. Wait, was was THAT?! Oh, pardon me, he’s highly erect. And somehow, in his sleep-heavy haze, he’s somehow magically taken off his underwear. He is spooning me in his nakedness; I am fully clothed in my pink flannel jammies with the sledding, knit-cap wearing polar bears.. and now I have a ginormous fleshy pestle trying to pound my lower vertebrate into powder.

Feed my need!

I’m not quite awake, and you know when it’s sleepy sex… not quite awake to pamper and respond, not quite asleep to be oblivious. Just sex. Like two lions in the wild. No mating ritual required. No personality or technique needed. Just wham bam! and zzzzzzzz again. I don’t really want to wake up, I just want to feel the pleasure that he’s slightly too sleepy to realize he’s giving.  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Hot Roommates and PMS thoughts

  • October 30, 2011 12:49 am

It started off with a giggle. In the background. And then a cry of “Stop it!” while faint laughter leaked through my iPhone’s speakers. My man chuckled a little on his end of the line.

“What’s that?” I try to throw the words off nonchalantly.

You see, I’m trying hard to not appear ‘crazy’. ‘Crazy’ is the worst thing a girl can be! “That girl’s a bitch” is a compliment in comparison to “That girl is CRAZY.” It’s like code for “you can sleep with her but don’t try to talk to her,” “definitely stalker material,” “she’s desperate, lonely, low self-esteemed, and erratic… yeah, I slept with her but that’s it. Cuz she’s craaaaazy.”  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Wake Up Call

  • October 23, 2011 7:40 am

It’s the greatest penis ever… and I’m afraid of it.

It’s like the Jesus penis, so great that it’s untouchable. So great that general worshiping isn’t enough, one must do missionary work in Uganda to earn the chance to see it in person. And sadly to say, I’m paralyzed by fear when it emerges.

Salty and sweet!!!

Now, yes folks, of course it’s just a penis. Your regular run-of-the-mill penis, just a tad bit smaller than a newborn’s arm, just a wee bit bigger than a fresh tamarind fruit. It’s color is flesh-colored, like somewhere in the range of human. Just a penis. Just an appendage that has no purpose but to inseminate and piss and occasionally cause some discomfort in tight yoga poses like Eagle.  Read more...

SAF Seeking… A Giant Leap of Faith

  • September 18, 2011 8:15 am


“I don’t want to move to LA!” the thought bounced in the empty caverns of my skull and screamed all the way up my forehead temples.

I was driving thru Sunland, a suburb outside LA proper: the sun was beating down in 87 degree sheets while a thousand free radicals attached themselves to my sunscreen-stained sweat. My left arm baked as I zipped along in the Man of my Dreams’ Toyota hybrid.

To me, the difference between the air in LA and the air in SF is similar to the difference between salt water and fresh water. Salt water is just a floater’s paradise, thousands of little plankton just swimming around in circles. Freshwater has minerals and maybe an errant microbe or two. That’s how the air in LA feels in my lungs: heavy with ocean sperm. It was one of the reasons I moved away.  Read more...

SAF Seeking…. The Price of Love

  • September 4, 2011 9:28 am

Oh yeah, baby yeah, yeah just like… STOP! FUCKIN’ STOP!”

I was IMPALED from the inside out!!! A sexual HERNIA!

It was supposed to be an extended holiday weekend of lascivious sex 20xs a day in various places in and around LA. My latest boytoy and I were planning to saddle up and ride each other until we didn’t know who was the cowboy and who was the cow. It was going to be a weekend of human juices oozing from all our pleasure orifices. It was a weekend of debaucery that Bacchus himself would be proud of.  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Long Distance Abdominals

  • August 14, 2011 9:08 pm

It’s a picture of him. Smiling on his sofa on a hot day and..and… he’s shirtless.

Hello Ladies...

Backlit by the light flowing in through the living room windows. Ab muscles. Like looking at the cover of a Myoplex box full of protein powder. Rectus abdominis that beg to be tickled and smoothed. Ab muscles that… were 400 miles away.

Because Isaiah Mustafa's abs weren't enough in one blog.

400 Fr*%#ckin’ miles away!!!! Why oh why couldn’t I have found a set of ab muscles I liked… RIGHT HERE?!?! Here, in the city of San Francisco; a city filled with tight ab muscles belonging to smart, successful men who want to do nothing more but massage women’s feet, share a great Sonoma syrah at Gary Danko, AND invents new apps for your upcoming 4th generation iPad WHILE preparing to make that gardening robot debut at Burning Man?  Read more...

SAF Seeking… The Benefit of Friends

  • August 7, 2011 11:58 am
YouTube Preview Image

“Let’s jump in the water over there.”

Oh my god, he’s naked! My best guy friend is naked! His glorious bum is this taut moon of delight! His stomach is a rippled mass of symmetrical ladder rungs! His thighs are like the thick pieces of graham crackers wrapped around melted marshmallow and chocolate. And if that thing in the middle of all that is the chocolate, it can definitely fall into my peanut butter. (If you’re born after 1987, please check the commercial above for reference.)

 Read more...

SAF Seeking… Online Orgasms

  • July 24, 2011 10:46 am

“So…. have you ever had an abdominal orgasm?”

I bet she has gigantic 'ab orgasms'.

I paused. Have I? There was that time I threw up so much that it felt like my stomach was spazzing on it’s own for 1/2 hour later, but I don’t remember deriving any pleasure from that. “No,” I confidently typed onto the keyboard.

He was an ‘old friend’ from a show I did a long time ago. (Actors are like migrant workers. We do a show here and there, and maybe we’ll remain friends, but we always just expect to see each other at the next gig.) I hadn’t talked to him since that show ended in 2007. But we were Facebook friends, and that’s how this AIMing-fest began.  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Mom and Dad would be so HAPPY!

  • June 12, 2011 11:43 am

“Helloooo, it’s me, Jojo, da frend of yor frend Jesusa…”

Oh no. Jesusa set me up with my DAD.


Okay, it’s NOT my dad, but to explain, he’s Filipino from the Philippines. And there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just DIFFERENT. There’s something different in how one views the world when someone is born and brought up here in the U.S…. versus someone who is brought up in the Philippines and moves over here during high school.. versus someone who is brought up in the Philippines and moves over here as a fully grown 40 year adult. I’ve dated the ones born here and the ones who immigrated here and went to Lincoln High School out in the Sunset District… but I’ve never dated anyone who was old enough at the time to fill out their own immigration papers.  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Charm School

  • June 5, 2011 12:59 pm

“Something smells good.”

I’m standing on a crowded street in Indianapolis. It’s a humid 83 degrees at night and my friends and I are celebrating her graduation from intrepid medical resident to full-time, fully-licensed M.D. But since we’re from LA, we’re dressed like rock stars in our Forever 21 slut-fits accompanied by their $1700 Gucci shoes and what not. (Apparently, it’s all about accessorizing, but hell if I know that. The only clothing I know is North Face and Marmot.)

The guy had jumped out in front of me to intentionally block my way. His friend surrounded us in the surge of sticky bodies on the sidewalk.

“I think that it must be you.” He smiles into my eyes.  Read more...

SAF Seeking…. Foot In Mouth Disease

  • May 22, 2011 10:45 am

Mmm, plumps when you cook 'em!

“Yeah, I’m starting a sausage restaurant. Handmade sausages… made from hand. Pork sausages, mostly. Thinking of names now: ‘Sausage-eria’, ‘Sausage-opia’, ‘Snausages’, ‘Pork Buy-Products’….” my climbing partner continued chirpily.

We were standing at the bottom of the climbing wall, I was handing him the belay device. A small crowd of gatherers and his old climbing buddies were circled around him since apparently, being a sausage king is news that travels fast.

“Yeah, I’ve tried making sausages myself by hand. It’s very relaxing. Are you doing it yourself?” a sausage acolyte spoke up. My friend expertly explained, “Oh I’m working with a chef….”  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Emotional Deliverance

  • May 15, 2011 1:48 am


Sometimes I wish I could rip all the feelings inside of me out.

Wait, that’s bad English. I ended with a preposition.

Sometimes, I wish I could just kill all the emotions inside of me with the same smoke bomb that exterminators use to kill mice. I’d simply suffocate all those feelings: disappointment, envy, heartbreak… and if happiness and joy were killed in the process, well ‘tant pis’!!!!

Facebook stalking is like a hangover that continues to get worse...

I Facebook-stalked. I did it. I’m a loser.  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Online Truth-Check

  • May 8, 2011 11:10 am

Oh dammit, he lied on his profile.

I hate when people do that. Despite the fact that I do date a lot -mostly out of the fact that I’m now the official ‘friend to set up with that other single friend in your closet’- I’m trying to find ways to stay interested in dating itself. (Earlier this week, I had a date with a Trekkie and I decided to wear clothes inspired by Spock: blue silk blouse, Star Trek boots, iPhone app that turns your phone into a Star Trek communicator, etc.)

I can communicate in Vulcan... or Vulva... or whatever you speak.  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Mr. Saliva

  • April 24, 2011 8:01 am

It was the tongue from hell.

And it belonged to a ‘friend’.

To put it shortly, I had a guy friend I hadn’t seen for a long time, a couple of years. He lived out on the East Coast being cynical and snarky (as East Coasters are the driest-witted people next to Londoners) and I lived out on the West Coast wearing flowers in my hair, playing the harp through the redwood forests, and eating bean sprouts and avocados in all my sandwiches.

He had surprised me with a trip out to San Francisco and said, “Hey, let’s pull an all nighter until my plane takes off in the morning!” Sure! I agreed. Why not live a little, I had thought.  Read more...

SAF Seeking… Fatherly Advice

  • April 10, 2011 7:40 am


“You aim too high,” my dad nonchalantly says as he dips his pan de sal in his morning cup of Sanka coffee. “You should just take a regular guy.”

I am aghast as I stop shoveling my brown sugar oatmeal into my mouth. “Dad, are you telling me to SETTLE?” The night before, I had stepped out for a friendly bite with one of those-guys-you’ve-slept-with-but-are-now-trying-to-patch-a-friendship-out-of-what-was-once-nights-of-passion-into-nights-of-PG 13-pasta. Sitting there slurping spaghetti bolognese, longing for someone I realized I was madly in love with but could never have, had reduced me to tears in the lonely car ride home after a friendly peck on the cheek. I had come crawling quietly to my dad during breakfast. Dad: the one man in my life who has never disappointed me, the one man who has supported me through every crazy idea I ever had, the one man who I know loves me unconditionally…. surely, he would have advice that would resonate through the universe and save my soul from further self-purgatory!  Read more...