Been traveling around Rio de Janeiro, location scouting. Love the city and the people. This is definitely one of the best parts of my job.
I have to say one of the things that made the scout so enjoyable was the fact that there seems to be a juice bar on every other block. Each was loaded with fresh fruits, which became juice when ordered. Refreshing. Simple.
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Another Reason The IRS Sucks!
Harv’s Metro Car Wash in Sacramento received a visit last week from two intimidating, dark-suited IRS agents demanding payment of delinquent back taxes. “They were deadly serious, very aggressive, very condescending,” Aaron Zeff, Harv’s owner, told the Sacramento Bee.
The amount that Zeff owed Uncle Sam…4 cents.
To Serve, With Love (Because the Alternative is Just Too Bleak)
Whenever I received a jury summons, my reaction used to be the same as most people’s—bitching and moaning along with colorful expletives. Serving jury duty is about as pleasant as getting your teeth drilled at the dentist’s office or listening to American Idol contestant William Hung on an endless loop.
Through the years, my friends and I have discussed various ways of getting out of jury duty by answering jury screening questions with quips like “Is this going to take long? Because I’ll be needing my methamphetamine fix in an hour,” or, “I’m psychic so I would know who’s guilty even before the trial,” or “Yes, I know many police officers. Some of them are my best clients.” Wink wink.
Attention Chinese Women…
Here’s a surefire way to know if your husband is cheating on you, courtesy of Tag Heuer and Tiger Woods.
According to Tag Heuer chief executive Jean-Christophe Babin, even though the watchmaker may have dropped Tiger Woods in America, his endorsement is still valuable in certain countries. In fact, Babin claims that Woods marketability has increased in China because of his infidelity. “In China conversely you have Tag Heuer with Tiger Woods everywhere because [with] the Chinese it rather increases their esteem,” he said. “In China, by tradition, your success is measured by your number of mistresses.”
President Obama In Bed With China’s Hu Jintao
Saw this picture over at Racialicious:
It’s a float from a German Carnival parade that depicts President Obama and Chinese leader Hu in bed together. As you can see–Obama is handing his Chinese counterpart a whole wad of cash alluding to the debt the U.S. owes China. What makes this image even more bizarrely racist is not only Hu’s yellow clothing and coolie hat or even the white German folk dressed up as yellow coolies, but that drawing of the John Lennon and Yoko Ono-esque interracial couple on the side of the float. What the fuck is up with that?
Ah, leave it to the Germans, with their long history of racial and cultural sensitivity, to come up with something like this.
Little Saigon, OG Style Part II
How was your Lunar New Year? This past weekend, in Westminster, CA aka Little Saigon, the Tet Parade was mired in some controversy. Local councilman, Andy Quach, and some religious leaders urged a Vietnamese LGBT group to not participate in the parade, since it was a “family” event. The gay advocates refused and walked anyway, proudly.
But, that’s not the topic of this blog post. Councilman Quach participates in the parade annually, and he surely has the best car in the parade, showing his Viet OG style. Check out the trunk of his ride:
What If Sarah Palin Is Actually An Evil Genius?
I had a friend in college who was an absolute pool shark. But because she was a girl and cute and petite, everyone (i.e. all the guys) automatically underestimated her–assuming she knew nothing about pool (and she didn’t dissuade them of this belief) so when she kicked everyone’s asses and walked out of the pool hall a few hundred dollars richer, no one saw it coming. In this piece that appeared in Sunday’s New York Times, Frank Rich wonders if we’re not similarly underestimating Sarah Palin. Or in other words, what if Palin really is an evil genius (cue Dr. Evil music)?
By now, I’m sure you’ve all heard about the “Palm-Gate” moment of Palin’s speech last week at the Tea Party Convention where she scrawled a “cheat sheet” on her hand (see my fellow Offender Alfredo’s take on this here). Of course, us sane anti-Palinites immediately ridiculed her; accepting this as further proof that she’s an idiot and unfit to lead our country in anything more than a moose hunt from a helicopter. But Rich raises the potentially disturbing question—what if this is just an act and Palin is actually hustling us the way my friend would hustle those unsuspecting pool players? Rich writes:
A Love Letter To Sarah
Today is bliss.
And I owe it all to five simple words. Say it with me, now:
…energy
…tax
…lift American spirits.
Again,
…energy
…tax
…lift American spirits.
Now close your eyes and say it…
…energy
…tax
…lift American spirits.
Now faster, let the words dissolve into pure sound…
…energy
…tax
…lift American spirits.
Start swaying, stop thinking, BE the words….
…energy
…tax
…lift American spirits.
I began the week a hater, now I’m a lover.
When I first saw Sarah Palin’s crib notes scrawled on her palm, I thought, Ha! Now there can be no doubt that she’s a cretin! This was one opinionated, uninformed soccer mom I thought we could be finished with. Even the Tea Party halfwits she was pandering to couldn’t overlook this embarrassing gaffe. Right? Right!? RIGHT!?!
Pakistani Ambassador Learns the Hard Way That Being the ‘Biggest Dick’ Isn’t Always Good
Getting selected to be an ambassador to a foreign country isn’t the easiest thing in the world. Qualified candidates are rejected all the time for a myriad of reasons. But when Pakistani diplomat Miangul Akbar Zeb was recently declined accreditation to serve as his country’s ambassador to Saudi Arabia, it was for an unusual reason…his name.
Would-be ambassador Zeb
It turns out his name is problematic. In Arabic, “Akbar” means “the biggest.” No problem there, Akbar is a common name in the Muslim community. But “Zeb,” which is a common Urdu name, has a specific meaning in Arabic too: penis, cock, dick. So in Arabic, the good diplomat’s name literally means “the biggest dick.” And that would be a no-no in the very conservative country of Saudi Arabia (see article here).
Kim Kardashian, a vanity fair skinned beauty
Yes, I shop at Sephora. Soft, supple, youthful skin is a requirement in my line of work. And in order to prevent premature “rasining” of thy face, I spend a significant amount of money on facial creams, lotions, toner, bull semen, etc. Shopping at Sephora helps me save money in my quest to look forever like a yellow Zac Efron.
As a loyal Sephora customer, I get emails from time to time notifying me of sales and the like. This morning I got the latest one. And who greeted me? The dreamy, Kim Kardashian. But wait? Is that really her? She’s so…white. I mean, really white. Like the color white. Like bleached white. When did this happen? Yes, I understand that she’s half Scottish/Dutch. But her other, more genetically dominant half is Armenian (Turkish/Russian). She is naturally a darker skinned lass (and a beautiful one at that). If you locked her up in a sunless mall for 10 years, she’d at worst emerge with a nice, tropical tan. Much like the Na’vi is forever blue, KK is forever brown (ish). I am vexed.
Nine-Year-Old Chinese Girl Gives Birth to Baby Boy
Unfortunately that headline isn’t a joke. A nine-year-old girl from the Chinese city of Songyuan gave birth to a healthy 6 lb baby boy on January 27 in a hospital in Changchun via Caesarian section. The identity of the girl has not been made public and police are currently trying to establish the identity of the father. In the province, it is illegal to have sex with a child under the age of 14.
The rate of pregnancies in school-aged children in China is increasing—one hospital in Shanghai reports that about 30 percent of their abortions were performed on schoolgirls. Last year, a clinic in the city of Chongqing came under fire for advertising half-price abortions for any girl with a student ID card.
Critics put the blame for the rise in pregnancies on China’s recently launched nationwide effort to “maintain the innocence of children” without teaching proper sex education. The government’s mandates include banning sexual content from the internet and suspending or expelling students if they are “suspected” of engaging in sexual activity.
How To Tell Your Friends From The Japs
My fellow Offender Iris previously posted this piece of racist anti-Japanese propaganda from World War II. I know for most of us today, the idea of sensible Americans taking this shit seriously may seem ridiculous, but it was not uncommon back then. I offer two more examples.
On December 22, 1941, Time Magazine published this handy guide on “How To Tell Your Friends From The Japs.” Yes, one of the most respected publications wasn’t immune to the hysteria following the bombing of Pearl Harbor. And what was some of the advice Time offered on this subject:
How to Spot a Jap
Alfredo’s post reminded me of a cartoon I came across which was actually used during WWII in a U.S. Army pamphlet distributed to soldiers in a Pocket Guide to China. The section called “How to Spot a Jap” instructed military men on how to distinguish between Japanese and Chinese Americans. I think the bit about how Chinese smile more often because the Japanese expect to be shot “and are unhappy about the whole thing” is particularly hilarious.
Gays and Lesbians, Get Married at the Top of the World!
While my “liberal” home state of California continues to debate the legality of its ban on same-sex marriage, the traditionally conservative country of Nepal is not only planning to amend its constitution to allow such marriages starting this May, but it’s going to embrace the whole institution with open arms. So if you’re gay and want to get married on the tallest mountain in the world, you’re in luck!
Sunil Babu Pant, Nepal’s only openly gay member of parliament, has co-founded the Pink Mountain agency which will offer same-sex packages on Everest, the world’s tallest peak.
K-Pop Scandal: G-Dragon ‘Dry Humps’ Dancer On Stage? Dancer Sets Record Straight
If you’re like me, the public outcry that ensued when Janet Jackson flashed her nipple for all of half a second during a performance with Justin Timberlake at the 2004 Super Bowl seemed like much ado over nothing. But if you think Americans are overtly prudish, they have nothing on the Koreans. Last month, Korean pop star G-Dragon (of Big Bang fame) was accused of “dry humping” a dancer on a stand-up bed during the song “Breathe” at his “Shine A Light” concert.
Once pictures like the one above hit the internet, the outrage was almost instantaneous. It’s become such an issue in the country that this month, the South Korean government decided to step in and is investigating the incident. If he loses the case, G-Dragon faces a fine and up to a year in prison. His fans, including those who were at the concert, have started a petition in support of the pop star and the case is still pending. YG Entertainment, G-Dragon’s label, released an apology but otherwise no one involved with the incident has spoken about what happened. Until now.
The dancer being “dry humped” on stage by G-Dragon is Aimee Lee Lucas who happens to be a friend. I admit I know next to nothing about the Korean pop scene, but when I saw the stories and “offensive” photos of Aimee popping up online, well, I had to find out what really happened. Aimee was kind enough to hang out with me at a Starbucks on a rainy afternoon and talk publicly for the first time about the now infamous incident.
Am I “retarded” for making Asian American films?
“For a group of people that are supposed to be good at math, you guys must be retarded to keep making Asian American films.”
That is a direct quote from a conversation I had with a veteran film producer last week about one of my upcoming projects. But before you make any judgment, you need to know that he is Asian American.
Such remarks are not uncommon from a lot of Asian Americans working in the industry. In fact they tend to be some of the loudest naysayers and, at times, biggest obstacles on anything ‘Asian American’ (I will get to that on another day). That being said, I do understand his point. He was referring to Asian American cinema as a business. “Screw business!” you might say, but the reality is that filmmaking is a collision between art and commerce (even the cheapest of films will cost more than your average Mercedes). And within the context of Asian American films, the big elephant in the room has always been its business viability. “It’s a young man’s game,” a filmmaker once told me about Asian American films, “it’s fun to talk about representin’ and stuff until you get a mortgage.” And as a business it definitely makes no sense.
Asian Conan Vs. Asian Leno
Die-hard Conan O’Brien fans staged an “I’m With Coco” rally yesterday in front of Universal Studios despite the pounding rain. There were a number of surprises including an appearance by the masturbating bear and Conan himself (see story here). And this street fight between Asian Conan and Asian Jay:
Conan Rally – Late Night Street Fight – watch more funny videos
a rotten keeper – how a catastrophe was created
Last night, CNN’s Anderson Cooper produced an eye-opening segment talking about how, for years, the corrupt Haitian government has embezzled hundreds upon hundreds of millions of donated, foreign aid money and never distributed it to it’s intended recipients, the Haitian people. Most of the money donated to better the lives of many, to build a stronger and more stable civilization, ultimately ended up lining the pockets of the elite ruling party of this Caribbean island. Can you believe this? Power and greed took precedence over the most delicate and nobel responsibility of ensuring the safety and well-being of a nation’s children. The situation in Haiti is beyond terrible, but it’s quite possible that the severity of this disaster could have been minimized had the ruling party of Haiti just done the right thing from the start. Such a shame…
To Donate – PADF – Pan American Development Foundation
XBox 360 Blues… betrayal of my techno-gfe lover
I loved my XBox 360 and I thought she loved me too. We spent many late-night hours journeying through distant, exotic lands, killing invading aliens, driving 200 mph+ on curvy Italian coastlines, etc. But apparently it was just an act. Much like a high-priced escort, the whole thing was just an elaborate GFE to suck as much lust out of my bank account without me knowing. So many games she so slyly convinced me to buy. At $60 a pop, it’s not an inexpensive leisure. I had been living a life of romantic fiction, only to be rudely awakened two weeks ago when I caught my love displaying the unmistakeable guilt of the Red Ring of Death. My heart is now cracked and the wings of hope have forever been plucked from my soul.
I could have let her go, allowing her to die alone in my closet with the jagged scars of the RROD forever cut into my spirit. But I am not a monster. Though she plunged an ice ax into my heart, I called upon the combined forgiveness powers of Jesus, Allah, Yahweh, Buddha, & William Hung and dialed Microsoft 911.
Confused about the late night TV drama?
By far, this has been the best explanation.
I would’ve used Joe’s pizza myself.
