You are currently browsing
  • Home
  • » How To Survive...

How to Survive the December 21 Apocalypse

  • December 7, 2012 2:42 pm

So if you’ve been keeping up with the news, you know the world will end this month on the 21st, at least according to the Mayan calendar. A whooping 10% of the population believes this is the date of the apocalypse. Yup, a lot of people believe this shit and for those who do, it must be a scary time. So I’m here to let you know exactly what you need to do to survive the impending day of doom.

The first question we must ask before we discuss the “how” of survival is figuring out the “how” of how the world will come to an end. The Mayans are vague and unclear about the specific details so let’s apply my our own logic to this thorny question.

The end will most likely not come from an environment disaster like the polar ice caps melting and flooding most of the planet because most likely that will be more gradual and we still have a few years before that happens. If an asteroid were on a crash course to earth, we would’ve already discovered it and Bruce Willis would be flying towards it on a space shuttle at this very moment to blow that mother up. If it were something utterly catastrophic like the earth exploding into a gazillion pieces—well, then survival doesn’t matter because no one would be around to worry about surviving, would they?

Then, what is the most likely scenario? I’m going to go with a zombie apocalypse.  Read more...

How to Survive Lunar New Year if You’re an Asian American Criminal

  • January 22, 2012 8:58 pm

Dear Asian American Criminal:

Let me start off by saying that I don’t condone your criminal lifestyle—the murdering, the thieving, the embezzling, the assaulting and all the other illegal, awful things you do. But I know you are loyal readers of this blog because…well, just look at the shit we write about. And as loyal readers, I feel an obligation to return that loyalty to you and I can’t think of a better occasion to do that than on this Lunar New Year holiday. So let me just give you this one piece of valuable advice if you plan on committing your heinous crimes on this day of all days:

Don’t do it in Chinatown!

It doesn’t matter if you commit your crimes in Chinatown on the other 364 days of the year, this is the one day you must avoid it because I guarantee that you will get caught. Why? Because if Hollywood movies and TV shows have taught us anything, it’s that white cops are always busting Asian criminals in Chinatown while the new year’s celebrations are taking place.  Read more...

How to Survive in a TV Writers’ Room

  • January 16, 2012 1:17 pm

COREY

Corey Miller has been interested in the entertainment business since he was a child, much to his mother’s (and often his own) chagrin. After holding an ungodly number of Production Assistant, Production Coordinator and then Writer’s Assistant positions, he got hired as the Assistant to the Show Runner on the television show “CSI.” After impressing his boss (i.e., bugging her until she relented), he got the chance to write a freelance episode. Later hired as a Staff Writer on “CSI: Miami,” he eventually rose the ranks to Supervising Producer. His other writing credits include the indie film “Border To Border” and episodes of the series “The Forgotten” and “NCIS: Los Angeles,” and he sold a spec pilot to The Peter Chernin Company and Fox. He is currently a Writer and Co-Executive Producer on the series “Body of Proof,” which airs Tuesday nights (10/9c) on ABC. Corey is not ashamed to admit that he is an L.A. native. You can follow him on twitter at @toomuchfire. Here, he shares what it’s like inside the writers’ room of a network TV drama.

Everything you need to survive the writers' room.

Pretty much every writer can attest to the fact that the blank page is one of the scariest visions that they face on a regular basis — the harsh, bright-white beacon of their presumed failure, since most assuredly, THIS time the page will remain wordless.

Now picture a conference room bathed in fluorescent light, its walls covered with huge, white dry erase boards, with nary a word on them. Add a group of screenwriters to the mix, and that fear is compounded, with interest. They gaze up at the blank walls and then each other, all thinking the same thing: “You mean, we have to come up with an idea that will sustain a full episode of television? Craft a plot, and character arcs, and have the suspense gradually and realistically build in every act, leading to every commercial break? Oh, and it needs to entertain millions of people, especially in the 18-49 demographic? And we have to justify spending millions of dollars of our employer’s money?”  Read more...

Photoshop Looter

  • August 9, 2011 2:39 pm

Is the above image confusing? Let me explain… The London riots this past weekend seem have simmered down a bit, with more cops on the streets, but there are still pockets around the city. The damage, physical and psychological, has truly affected citizens as class tensions become even more fiery in the UK. In fact, a colleague of mine, who runs a film distribution company felt this first hand, as his inventory that was stored in a Sony DVD warehouse and hub was burned to the ground last night.

The photos of rioters coming from the AP Wire are truly weird. It’s as if ATTACK THE BLOCK became a reality! Well, it’s just human nature to eventually laugh after the face of tragedy, and here’s a prime example: a tumblr feed of photoshopped looter pics. Some are really hilarious. Hence, E.T. with the juvenile delinquent above.  Read more...

Summer

  • July 22, 2011 3:02 am


  Read more...

How to Survive if You’re a Criminal in Gotham City

  • April 26, 2011 12:01 am

So last week, Warner Bros. officially confirmed that Marion Cotillard and Joseph Gordon-Levitt are on board for director Chris Nolan’s third and final installment in his Batman franchise. However, early speculation that they would be playing villains Talia al Ghul and Alberto Falcone, respectively, have turned out to be false (unless Nolan pulls a switcheroo).

But this latest news made me think of the villains and other criminal element in Gotham City (home of the Dark Knight). Now, unless you’re a sociopath like the Joker who finds pleasure in his confrontations with the Bat, it’s gotta be tough to operate on the other side of the law in a city where you’re always looking over your shoulder in case a psycho in a bat suit shows up to break your legs when all you want to do is steal a few jewels to feed your family. So here are 5 bits of advice that will help you survive if you decide to pursue the criminal life in Gotham City.

1) COMMIT YOUR CRIMES IN THE DAYTIME

By now, any criminal has to have figured out that Batman only comes out at night. He is the Dark Knight after all and, let’s be honest, a dude in a rubber bat suit running around in broad daylight isn’t going to strike terror in anyone except maybe the S&M transvestite hookers working the day shift on Hollywood Blvd who are afraid they now have new competition for their business. Yet, time and time again, the criminals in Gotham City insist on committing their crimes at night and, time and time again, they end up getting their asses kicked by the Bat. That’s like walking into the lion’s cage at the zoo wearing a suit made out of raw meat during the lion’s feeding time. If you’re going to walk into the lion’s cage at all, at least do it when the lion is out for its veterinarian check-up. It’s just common sense, people.

 Read more...

How To Survive A Phone Call From A Dead Person

  • July 21, 2010 12:05 am

Usually if I get a phone call at 7 AM, it means something is amiss. No one who knows me would call me that early because they know I probably went to bed just a couple of hours earlier and will be getting up a couple of hours later and that’s my prime sleeping time. So I knew I couldn’t ignore this call.

“Are you awake?” my friend Irene asks in a frantic voice. Well, I guess I am now.

“You have to come over right away,” she continues without waiting for a response. “I think my grandmother called me last night.” That statement wouldn’t be strange except for one fact: Irene’s grandmother had passed away a week-and-a-half ago. “Actually meet me at Alcove for breakfast. I don’t feel comfortable being in my apartment right now.”

So I meet up with Irene and she tells me what happened over a breakfast burrito and coffee. She had gone to bed at midnight as she usually does. At some point in the night, her cell phone rang. She opened her eyes for a second, decided that she was too tired to answer and went back to sleep. When Irene woke up the next morning, she checked her cell and the late night caller hadn’t left a message, but…the call had originated from her deceased grandmother’s home phone.

“Her phone was disconnected a week ago,” she said. “This is freaking me out.”  Read more...

How To Survive If You Look Like An “Illegal” Immigrant (i.e. You’re Asian) In Arizona

  • May 17, 2010 12:56 am

As an Asian American, some of you might be thinking that Arizona’s new legislation that allows law enforcement officers to demand to see identification from anyone they “suspect” of being in the country illegally doesn’t affect you. You may be thinking this is more of a Latino issue. But the reality is if you think being Asian in Arizona makes you safe, you’re sadly mistaken.

Just look at the facts: even before this racist law came into being, 332 Chinese in Arizona were arrested on immigration-related charges in 2009 (way up from just 38 in 2008). One-fourth of the Asian population in that state is classified as “limited-language proficient” which means the cops could very easily mistake your FOB ass for an illegal FOB ass. Ten percent of the 10-12 million undocumented aliens in the U.S. are Asian so you can bet they’ll be keeping their in-bred hick eyes on the yellow as well as the brown (and forget about it if you’re Filipino–no one’s going to believe you’re Asian anyway, they’ll just automatically deport your ass back to Mexico). I have faith that the good people of this country—of all races and persuasions—will eventually overturn this law, but if you’re Asian and currently living in Arizona, what do you do in the meantime to keep from being unjustly questioned, detained and/or deported?

Well, my friend, I’m afraid you only have one real choice. You have to blend in with the “majority.” In short, you have to out white the whites. You have to become whiter than Wonder Bread vacationing in the Arctic. You have to become whiter than the CW’s prime-time line-up. You have to become so white that if you ran into Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa, they’d be like, “Damn, you so white!” “Darn, you possess even more distinctly Caucasian attributes than we do.”

So how do you do this? Let me offer some helpful tips:

 Read more...

How To Survive Valentine’s Day When Your Ass Is Flat Broke

  • February 9, 2010 1:19 am

A lot of people are still feeling the economic pinch. The unemployment figures are way up and it remains tough all around. The last thing anyone needs is the pressure of another holiday created by greedy corporate capitalists designed to guilt you into spending money you don’t have to buy things you don’t necessarily need. But alas, this Sunday is Valentine’s Day so you’re shit out of luck. And unlike in Asia where women buy men presents for Valentine’s, in the U.S. the pressure is on the guys to come through with gifts and goodies for their women. Yeah, it’s ass backwards here, tell me about it.

So for all of you guys going through financial difficulties who are now also stressing out because your significant other is expecting something “special” (i.e. expensive) for Valentine’s, I’m here to help. You can surf the net and find plenty of tips on how to do Valentine’s on a budget (see here and here for examples), but come on—taking your woman shopping at a 99 cent store or for a free romantic walk on the beach only reinforces the fact that you’re cheap and/or broke. That won’t fly. Especially if you’re with an Asian chick. And if she’s Korean, forget about it! In that case, Valentine’s Day may just as well be called “My boyfriend is required to buy me a new Prada purse and diamond necklace or I won’t have sex with him for six months” Day.  Read more...

How To Survive Behind The Wheel Of A Speeding Car With A Jammed Accelerator

  • February 6, 2010 1:01 am

By now, I’m sure most of our readers know about the very serious problem Toyota is experiencing. A global recall affecting 4.5 million of their vehicles is taking place because of possible faulty pedals that could become jammed causing your car to continue accelerating when you’d rather stop. While the company has reassured its customers this is a rare problem, it’s still a scary possibility.

So what do you do if you’re driving down the freeway at 70 mph and you see traffic and brake lights ahead, but when you lift your foot off the gas pedal, nothing happens? It’s stuck and your car continues accelerating at its current speed.  Read more...

How To Survive An Attack By Fornicating Skunks

  • February 2, 2010 12:53 am

OK, maybe I’m exaggerating the title. I wasn’t actually attacked by fornicating skunks—they just gave me really dirty looks when I interrupted their lovemaking, but it was still a scary and angst-ridden encounter (see how I cleverly worked in our “flavah of the week” topic). 

But before I go any further, you may be wondering why I am writing about this subject. As regular readers of my “How To Survive” series already know, I try to offer helpful hints on how to survive common situations that you may encounter in your daily life. Well, it just so happens that February is the start of skunk mating season and should you ever find yourself in a similar dilemma to the one I faced on a cold February night a few years ago, you should be educated about your options.  Read more...

How To Survive Your New Year’s Resolutions

  • January 7, 2010 9:50 pm

If you’re like millions of others, you’ve made your resolutions for the new year, vowed to keep them and will soon fail miserably in that goal. Well, 2010 can be different. This can be the year when you actually follow through on your resolutions. And I’m here to help.

You can surf the web and find plenty of advice on how to keep your resolutions. For example, this guy offers five easy steps: aim low, don’t overload yourself, tell everyone you know, reward yourself and wait until spring. BOOOOORRRRING! And no shit Sherlock—this is stuff we already know and have heard many times before. It didn’t help us in the past and it’s not going to help us now.  Read more...