Usually if I get a phone call at 7 AM, it means something is amiss. No one who knows me would call me that early because they know I probably went to bed just a couple of hours earlier and will be getting up a couple of hours later and that’s my prime sleeping time. So I knew I couldn’t ignore this call.
“Are you awake?” my friend Irene asks in a frantic voice. Well, I guess I am now.
“You have to come over right away,” she continues without waiting for a response. “I think my grandmother called me last night.” That statement wouldn’t be strange except for one fact: Irene’s grandmother had passed away a week-and-a-half ago. “Actually meet me at Alcove for breakfast. I don’t feel comfortable being in my apartment right now.”
So I meet up with Irene and she tells me what happened over a breakfast burrito and coffee. She had gone to bed at midnight as she usually does. At some point in the night, her cell phone rang. She opened her eyes for a second, decided that she was too tired to answer and went back to sleep. When Irene woke up the next morning, she checked her cell and the late night caller hadn’t left a message, but…the call had originated from her deceased grandmother’s home phone.
“Her phone was disconnected a week ago,” she said. “This is freaking me out.” Read more...
As an Asian American, some of you might be thinking that Arizona’s new legislation that allows law enforcement officers to demand to see identification from anyone they “suspect” of being in the country illegally doesn’t affect you. You may be thinking this is more of a Latino issue. But the reality is if you think being Asian in Arizona makes you safe, you’re sadly mistaken.
Just look at the facts: even before this racist law came into being, 332 Chinese in Arizona were arrested on immigration-related charges in 2009 (way up from just 38 in 2008). One-fourth of the Asian population in that state is classified as “limited-language proficient” which means the cops could very easily mistake your FOB ass for an illegal FOB ass. Ten percent of the 10-12 million undocumented aliens in the U.S. are Asian so you can bet they’ll be keeping their in-bred hick eyes on the yellow as well as the brown (and forget about it if you’re Filipino–no one’s going to believe you’re Asian anyway, they’ll just automatically deport your ass back to Mexico). I have faith that the good people of this country—of all races and persuasions—will eventually overturn this law, but if you’re Asian and currently living in Arizona, what do you do in the meantime to keep from being unjustly questioned, detained and/or deported?
Well, my friend, I’m afraid you only have one real choice. You have to blend in with the “majority.” In short, you have to out white the whites. You have to become whiter than Wonder Bread vacationing in the Arctic. You have to become whiter than the CW’s prime-time line-up. You have to become so white that if you ran into Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa, they’d be like, “Damn, you so white!” “Darn, you possess even more distinctly Caucasian attributes than we do.”
So how do you do this? Let me offer some helpful tips:
Read more...
A lot of people are still feeling the economic pinch. The unemployment figures are way up and it remains tough all around. The last thing anyone needs is the pressure of another holiday created by greedy corporate capitalists designed to guilt you into spending money you don’t have to buy things you don’t necessarily need. But alas, this Sunday is Valentine’s Day so you’re shit out of luck. And unlike in Asia where women buy men presents for Valentine’s, in the U.S. the pressure is on the guys to come through with gifts and goodies for their women. Yeah, it’s ass backwards here, tell me about it.
So for all of you guys going through financial difficulties who are now also stressing out because your significant other is expecting something “special” (i.e. expensive) for Valentine’s, I’m here to help. You can surf the net and find plenty of tips on how to do Valentine’s on a budget (see here and here for examples), but come on—taking your woman shopping at a 99 cent store or for a free romantic walk on the beach only reinforces the fact that you’re cheap and/or broke. That won’t fly. Especially if you’re with an Asian chick. And if she’s Korean, forget about it! In that case, Valentine’s Day may just as well be called “My boyfriend is required to buy me a new Prada purse and diamond necklace or I won’t have sex with him for six months” Day. Read more...
By now, I’m sure most of our readers know about the very serious problem Toyota is experiencing. A global recall affecting 4.5 million of their vehicles is taking place because of possible faulty pedals that could become jammed causing your car to continue accelerating when you’d rather stop. While the company has reassured its customers this is a rare problem, it’s still a scary possibility.
So what do you do if you’re driving down the freeway at 70 mph and you see traffic and brake lights ahead, but when you lift your foot off the gas pedal, nothing happens? It’s stuck and your car continues accelerating at its current speed. Read more...
OK, maybe I’m exaggerating the title. I wasn’t actually attacked by fornicating skunks—they just gave me really dirty looks when I interrupted their lovemaking, but it was still a scary and angst-ridden encounter (see how I cleverly worked in our “flavah of the week” topic).
But before I go any further, you may be wondering why I am writing about this subject. As regular readers of my “How To Survive” series already know, I try to offer helpful hints on how to survive common situations that you may encounter in your daily life. Well, it just so happens that February is the start of skunk mating season and should you ever find yourself in a similar dilemma to the one I faced on a cold February night a few years ago, you should be educated about your options. Read more...
If you’re like millions of others, you’ve made your resolutions for the new year, vowed to keep them and will soon fail miserably in that goal. Well, 2010 can be different. This can be the year when you actually follow through on your resolutions. And I’m here to help.
You can surf the web and find plenty of advice on how to keep your resolutions. For example, this guy offers five easy steps: aim low, don’t overload yourself, tell everyone you know, reward yourself and wait until spring. BOOOOORRRRING! And no shit Sherlock—this is stuff we already know and have heard many times before. It didn’t help us in the past and it’s not going to help us now. Read more...
Another entry in my month-long celebration of all thing Halloween
I’m sure some of my fellow Asian American brothas reading this currently have your sights set on a woman that you’re hoping to get to know better. Perhaps she’s a co-worker in the next cubicle or a fellow classmate in your Spanish class (“Hola, mujer bonita.”) or just some groovy chick you see everyday on the subway. You want to ask her out on a date, but you’ve been reluctant to do so because you’ve also noticed some odd behavior on her part. Maybe she starts weeping uncontrollably for no reason. Or she suddenly grows angry and agitated–screaming and shouting obscenities at everybody around her. Or every time she opens her mouth, you can smell a repulsive stench. These are all signs that this woman may be possessed by a demon from hell. Well, either that or she’s Korean. Read more...
It’s September and autumn is just around the corner (although with the heat and fires here in L.A., it feels like the start of summer). And all across the country, children are returning to school for a new year full of promise, growth and…bullies.
I don’t want to belittle the bullying that many children experience because it’s clear it’s a serious problem with real consequences. A study conducted by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development found that 1.6 million children in grades 6-10 in the U.S. were bullied at least once a week. Bullying creates many short and long term problems for both the bully and the bullied, including depression, higher rates of suicide and alcohol and drug use. You can read more about this here. Read more...
Ah, summer. The season of weddings. And this year, it seems like there’s been more than the usual amount of weddings to attend. At one such event, I spied the bride’s best friend (an Asian American male) looking at her with what I could swear was longing in his eyes. I’m pretty convinced he was in love with his best friend/the bride who was marrying this other man. Read more...
I realize I’ve been posting a lot of entries in my “How To Survive” series recently. I usually like to spread them out, but I guess it’s just been one of those weeks where these urgent issues seem to be confronting us constantly. If you’re Asian American and on Facebook, you may have noticed a link to this article being sent around in the past couple of days: Are Korean-American women narrow-minded and uncultured? Read more...
(“Valkyrie sucked, mothafucker!”)
Regular readers of this blog know that my fellow Offender Roger wrote about his disheartening experience with the table read for the new remake of Red Dawn (read his original post here). After calling out Tom Cruise, Roger has expressed his fear that he will be assassinated by ninjas sent by Mr. Cruise. Here in the Offenders family, we look out for each other so this is a very special edition of the “How To Survive” series addressed specifically to Roger so that he can survive if these Cruise-sanctioned ninjas come to take him out. Read more...
Fortunately, journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee were released a couple of weeks ago without having had to spend any time in one of North Korea’s brutal labor camps. But you, my friend, may not be so lucky. Let’s say you’re on vacation in China and you’re near the North Korean border and you think to yourself—“wouldn’t it be totally awesome if I just crossed into North Korea for a few seconds to take a quick photo so I can prove to my buddies I was there?” Before you know it, you’re surrounded by armed NK guards and taken into custody. Read more...
Once again, I am dispensing survival tips and advice that could very well help you in a life-threatening situation. Previously, I wrote about how to survive a plane crash. This time—well, suppose you’re just a regular guy minding his own business when suddenly you are thrust 30 years back in time. Maybe you fall through a natural wormhole or you inadvertently come upon a time machine, but before you know it—you are in 1979. Let’s also say your parents met and fell in love about 30 years ago and you end up appearing in the past before all of that happens. And to make it worse, your future mother falls for you instead of your future dad. Read more...
Recently read Ben Sherwood’s new book THE SURVIVORS CLUB: THE SECRETS AND SCIENCE THAT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE. A lot of interesting tidbits and facts in there so I’m sure I can wring a few more future entries from it. But today, I want to focus on the section of the book that talks about surviving plane crashes because I’m all about sharing useful tips with you, our readers, that could save your life. Read more...
