Shoplifting While Topless

ERGO

My fellow Offender Justin sent me this article about 45-year-old Alhambra, California resident Jeannie Hua who turned herself in to police yesterday after an alleged shoplifting incident back in June.

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But what makes this story different are the circumstances of the alleged shoplifting incident. Specifically, Hua committed the crime while topless.

Supposedly, during this shoplifting incident, which took place at the Santa Anita mall in neighboring Arcadia, Hua got into an altercation with a security guard, somehow lost her shirt and bra, and ran topless to her Mercedes-Benz before driving off.

So the mystery remains: how did this alleged thief lose her top and bra during the course of her crime? So far, the details remain sketchy, ergo let me offer some possible explanations.

You’ve Been Kimchi Slapped!

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Here’s a gif that’s bound to make your Tuesday a little brighter:

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Yup, that ajumma is administering the purest form of Korean frontier justice: the kimchi slap.

The above gif comes from the Korean drama series entitled Everybody Kimchi, which is set against the backdrop of the kimchi industry. Now, I don’t know anything else about the show and, frankly, I don’t care. All I know is any show that includes the little-known and little-seen kimchi slap is alright in my book.

And what can Everybody Kimchi teach us about the kimchi slap?

American Fast Food Chains Serving Expired Chinese Meat and…So?

JUNK_FOODNews broke today that China-based Husi Food Co. has been selling expired beef and chicken to American fast food giants McDonald’s, KFC and Pizza Hut. They allegedly did this by repackaging the stale meat and putting new expiration dates on them. Of course, reps for the fast food companies have announced they are no longer purchasing meat from Husi and are launching their own “investigations.”

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Here’s all I have to add to this—is anyone really surprised by this news? And does anyone really believe that the fast food companies are genuinely surprised by this either?

YOMYOMF’s Summer Blockbuster Showdown — DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES!

APEYOMYOMF's Summer Blockbuster Showdown Part 5-01

Select Offenders will be reviewing this summer’s crop of Hollywood tentpole films with a scientifically tested set of criteria that was vetted, nurtured, dissected and regurgitated through the pop-culture gadflies who have nothing better to do than annoy other productive people in the YOMYOMF office. So, we channeled their nitpicks of the incessant reboots, remakes and rehashes that are part and parcel with Hollywood summer movies into this ongoing summer blog series called the SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SHOWDOWN. You can read previous roundtable reviews, which are all archived here

In this edition, we review DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES! BTW, this roundtable review is chock full of spoilers. You’ve been warned!  

Around the Horn: Summer Music Edition

JAMWe’re in the full swing of summer. I’ve always loved summer because as a kid, it’s always meant no school, fun movies and, most importantly, music. There’s nothing like that perfect summer song or album that evokes good times and memories. I’ve already blogged about one of the best summers I had back in 1990 when I was just a kid enjoying everything that Santa Cruz had to offer.

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That summer was filled with a lot of music but what I remember as dominating the airwaves that year was the B-52’s “Cosmic Thing” album. The album had actually dropped in 1989 and the big hit was “Love Shack” which is a great summer jam. But it got even more popular in 1990 with other hits like “Roam” which was huge that summer. When I think back to the summers I spent in Santa Cruz during school, the first things that come to mind are the beach/boardwalk, working at a record store and the B-52s.

What’s your quintessential summer jam (song or album)? And add a link to the video if there is one.

The Kobayashi Maru of Hot Dog Eating

FOURTHHere in the U.S., tomorrow is the Fourth of July aka our Independence Day and with that brings picnics and fireworks and the infamous Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, which is arguably the Super Bowl of competitive eating. But once again, the king of this “sport,” Takeru Kobayashi will not be “officially” competing.

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For the past few years, Kobayashi has been “banned” from the event for refusing to sign an exclusive contract to be Nathan’s food bitch work for the folks who run the annual competition as their food bitch and apparently that’s a big no-no.

Now, some have said the real reason Kobayashi has refused this offer is because he’s afraid he will be dethroned by competitors like professional douchebag Joey Chestnut:

Straight White Boys Texting

SLOPPY

So a couple of folks sent me this link to the tumblr site Straight White Boys Texting and as the name suggests, it’s a site with a collection of texts and social media postings from straight white boys.

So if you’ve ever wondered what straight white boys text about, here’s a sampling:

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period

Asian American Dude Gets Stuck in Giant Stone Vagina—Right on, Bro!

OUTDOORS

An American exchange student got stuck in a 13-foot marble vagina statue at the Tübingen University Institute of Microbiology in Germany last week. And as you can see from the pic below, it was an Asian American student:

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It took 22 firefighters in five emergency vehicles to free the dude. Apparently, he got stuck in there after a “dare went awry.”

SAF seeking… Clarity

guest_offendersANNIKA

Annika is a 20-something year old newly single divorcee who recently returned to school to complete a bachelor’s degree in computational linguistics. She spends her time baking, cooking, swimming, hanging at pubs, trying different foods and restaurants, and inappropriately staring at the asses of unassuming men. She currently lives in Los Angeles.

THE_END

Feel that? Brrr.

“I know this is a bad time to say this given your current condition [with food poisoning], but I think I’m going to cool my heels here. I do wish you the best and I hope you feel better!”

Ahhh, and our newborn dalliance comes to an end. It was the third time he had cancelled with such little notice and my vagina couldn’t take it anymore.

Too bad. I liked Ari otherwise – we got on pretty well. I always think back to the conversation we had about this song called “Bring on the Dancing Horses” by Echo and the Bunnymen that was on my profile and how much we both loved that song and how, in unison, we said, “It was written specifically for ‘Pretty in Pink’!” and I smiled because I hadn’t met anyone else who knew that little fact.

SAF Seeking . . . A New F Buddy, pt. 3: Who has Time for This Shit?

guest_offendersANNIKA

Annika is a 20-something year old newly single divorcee who recently returned to school to complete a bachelor’s degree in computational linguistics. She spends her time baking, cooking, swimming, hanging at pubs, trying different foods and restaurants, and inappropriately staring at the asses of unassuming men. She currently lives in Los Angeles.

(Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here)

So when ARE you free?

So when ARE you free?

Ari: What’s your week looking like?
Me: Uhhh, I’ve got an open slot for Thursday night and Sunday night. Nothing else though.
Ari: Crap, I can’t do either.
Me: There’s a possibility for Tuesday night, but not guaranteed.
Ari: I have client drinks which I can’t reschedule, but I know they’re early. I’ll text you that day.

Eleven Directors Who Have Influenced Me

SELFIEMy teacher and mentor Academy Award Nominated director Jerzy Antczak once told me, “Quentin, a good director is a good thief. You steal from here and you steal from there… and then you make it your own! And put your actors bumper to bumper… you cannot waste space on film! You do not act like someone who goes FUCK… you must use velvet gloves!”

Jerzy with Polanski!

Jerzy with Polanski!

By “velvet gloves” I’ve stolen to mean that good directors are calm and prepared on set to inspire the actors and your team to work hard without screaming, yelling or throwing walky-talkies at people.

Here are the ten other directors who have influenced me and I try to steal from.