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Movies That Should Have Starred Asians: Far From Heaven

  • September 1, 2009 12:21 am

get-attachment-1.aspxIn 2002, writer/director Todd Haynes released the film that may be remembered as his masterpiece, Far From Heaven. Julianne Moore starred as Cathy Whitaker, a wife, mother and homemaker in 1957 New England suburbia who appears to be living the perfect life. She has a handsome and successful husband (Dennis Quaid), two beautiful children, a lovely home and good friends.

But then the cracks start to show. Quaid’s character is a closeted homosexual and Cathy catches him one night with another man. As her life unravels, Cathy turns to Raymond (Dennis Haysbert), her sensitive African American gardener who lives with his young daughter, for solace. Their friendship grows and, although there is nothing illicit going on between them, tongues start to wag and Cathy finds herself shunned by her conservative white friends/community. Here’s the original trailer:

Chinky Or Not Chinky: TV Commercial Edition

  • August 29, 2009 6:21 pm

A quick entry for our loyal weekend readers. The following clip was posted a few weeks ago by our friends at 8asians–a Jell-O commercial from the 1960s:

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I’m not sure if there’s any question whether or not that particular ad is chinky or not chinky, but it reminded me of other commercials from the past that may or may not be offensive, but probably wouldn’t be made today. 

The Frito Bandit:

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Calgon’s Ancient Chinese Secret:

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Afro Sheen:

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But my favorites are the ones geared towards the children:

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Have a great weekend! Yabba Dabba Doo!

An Open Letter To White People: Embrace Your Whiteness

  • August 28, 2009 2:47 pm

brady_bunch_onstairs_sDear White People:

I know some of you tend to be overtly sensitive so I want to say up-front that I have nothing against white people. In fact, I love white people! Some of my best friends are white. Oh, and I love white people food. Why, just the other day I had some vanilla ice cream and crepes. And don’t get me started on your women. Who’d want to be with a quiet, subservient Asian woman when you can be with someone bitchy and loud? Sign me up!

How To Survive Your Best Friend’s Wedding When You’re Secretly In Love With Her

  • August 27, 2009 2:19 am

154242__bestfriendswedding_lAh, summer. The season of weddings. And this year, it seems like there’s been more than the usual amount of weddings to attend. At one such event, I spied the bride’s best friend (an Asian American male) looking at her with what I could swear was longing in his eyes. I’m pretty convinced he was in love with his best friend/the bride who was marrying this other man.

Chinky Or Not Chinky: Asians + Rice Farmers = Math Whizzes

  • August 25, 2009 6:31 am

asian-mathWhen Malcolm Gladwell’s book Outliers: The Story of Success came out last year, there was an outcry from some in the Asian American community over one of the chapters which made the argument that the reason why Asians are so good at math had to do with our history as rice farmers. Now, just hearing that out of context does make the statement sound ridiculous and possibly racist. But many of those who found fault with Gladwell’s thesis hadn’t actually read the book so their complaints were based on a superficial (mis)understanding of what Gladwell was trying to say.

Movies That Should Have Starred Asians: Bad Day At Black Rock

  • August 22, 2009 4:31 pm

badday21Director John Sturges’ 1955 film Bad Day At Black Rock is a lot of things—one of the tautest action films made (with a brisk running time of only 81 minutes and not a single frame of film wasted); a movie with some of the finest acting from the toughest screen guys around including Spencer Tracy, Robert Ryan, Lee Marvin and Ernest Borgnine; but most of all—it’s probably the best film that Hollywood has made about Asian Americans that features no Asians in the cast. I make this last statement with all sincerity because I love Bad Day At Black Rock, but, as great as Tracy is in this, I also think it would have been a far more interesting film had his part been played by an Asian American actor.

How To Survive A Date with A Korean American Woman

  • August 21, 2009 2:15 am

koreanleadI realize I’ve been posting a lot of entries in my “How To Survive” series recently. I usually like to spread them out, but I guess it’s just been one of those weeks where these urgent issues seem to be confronting us constantly. If you’re Asian American and on Facebook, you may have noticed a link to this article being sent around in the past couple of days: Are Korean-American women narrow-minded and uncultured?

How To Survive An Attack by Tom Cruise’s Ninja Assassins

  • August 19, 2009 9:12 am

rogerfinishing

  (“Valkyrie sucked, mothafucker!”)

Regular readers of this blog know that my fellow Offender Roger wrote about his disheartening experience with the table read for the new remake of Red Dawn (read his original post here). After calling out Tom Cruise, Roger has expressed his fear that he will be assassinated by ninjas sent by Mr. Cruise. Here in the Offenders family, we look out for each other so this is a very special edition of the “How To Survive” series addressed specifically to Roger so that he can survive if these Cruise-sanctioned ninjas come to take him out.

How To Survive A North Korean Labor Camp

  • August 17, 2009 2:33 am

camp_4_smallFortunately, journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee were released a couple of weeks ago without having had to spend any time in one of North Korea’s brutal labor camps. But you, my friend, may not be so lucky. Let’s say you’re on vacation in China and you’re near the North Korean border and you think to yourself—“wouldn’t it be totally awesome if I just crossed into North Korea for a few seconds to take a quick photo so I can prove to my buddies I was there?” Before you know it, you’re surrounded by armed NK guards and taken into custody.

I Love The ‘80s: Musical Education

  • August 15, 2009 11:19 am

usaafricaThe songs of the 1980s don’t simply exist to provide us with hours of listening pleasure. They are educational as well. They teach us valuable life lessons, impart interesting facts and ask probing questions. Here are just some of the random insights we can take away from this music:

Apparently, you can be a twin even though there are three of you and you are not related to each other in anyway:

thompson_twins (Thompson Twins: “I can’t tell them apart!”)

You should always pass the dutchie on the left hand side. (Musical Youth “Pass The Dutchie”)

If you can feel St. Elmo’s Fire burning in you, shouldn’t you go to the doctor? (John Parr “St. Elmo’s Fire”)

Chinky or Not Chinky: Smallville Edition

  • August 12, 2009 10:54 pm

Guys, I need a ruling here.
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I Love The ‘80s: Dudley Molested. “What’cha Talkin’ ‘Bout, Willis?!”

  • August 10, 2009 12:26 am

morewinedudley(Gordon Jump as the Bicycle Man in a very special episode of Diff’rent Strokes)

One of my favorite TV shows as a child was Diff’rent Strokes. The hit series ran from 1978 to 1986 with the type of premise that one can only find on a TV sitcom: two orphaned African American kids from the ‘hood (Gary Coleman’s Arnold and Todd Bridges’ Willis) are adopted by a rich Caucasian man (Conrad Bain) and hilarious hijinks ensue.