Dear Justin,
Let me start off by saying that I was able to attend the N.A. premiere of “Fast Five” last night and it was an awesome, action-packed, all-out crazy, fun ride of a movie and you deserve all the success and kudos you get.
But I think that we need to start sending out a more conscientious message to movie-going kids today. So here’s my suggestion for “Fast 6”. How about electric car racing? After all, we really need to save the environment and stop our dependence on Middle East oil.
Names: they’re something we’re born with and, in most cases, we carry them with us – for better or worse – till the day we die.
However, as people, we always have the option to change it somewhere down the line. (“Max Powers” is always a pretty good choice.)
On the other hand, if you are not a person – if you’re a place or thing – you’re kind of screwed because you have no choice in the matter.
On the plus side, you (probably) don’t have any semblance of what we call a “consciousness” so you’re (probably) not even aware of your unfortunate moniker anyway.
Actually, you wouldn’t be able to read this either so HA!
Unless you’re a robot – in which case, I’m sorry but please find it in your cold mechanical heart to forgive me when the Singularity comes.
Get under control, ADD! Whew, okay – now, one city that consistently makes me contemplate this unfortunate, unknowable conundrum for places and things is Placentia, in sunny ol’ California.
Because, for one, I never read it as “Placentia” the first time I see its name after a long while. No, sir/ma’am – I always read the damn name as “placenta,” which, I’m told, is something significantly different.
I’m a very obsessive person.
Wait. Let me start over.
I am a huge fan, although I would like to confess that I am not the most familiar with your entire body of work.
Wait. Let me start over.
I just checked IMDb and it is safe to say you’ve an amazing body of work, of which I am a fan even if I have not seen them all.
Hm. Yeah, let’s just keep this trainwreck going. Anyway, I just recently caught Almost Famous and you once again came to the forefront of my attention.
The movie was fantastic, but I must confess that watching it only served to awaken a desire I’d long ago forgotten:
Dear CBS:
Of course you and everyone reading this knows what’s going on with Charlie “I’m a winner” Sheen so I’m sure I don’t have to fill anyone in on all the batshit crazy details. But it comes down to this…from your perspective, it looks like Sheen’s gone off his rocker, but it’s going to be difficult to completely wash your hands of him because he’s still the star of Two-and-a-Half Men, which is a huge cash cow for your network. So what to do? Luckily, I have the perfect solution not only to your problem, but a similar problem that the international community is also facing.
I’m sure you also know that Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi is continuing merrily along with his own batshit crazy routine. In the midst of protests and calls for him to give up power, Gaddafi remains defiant even saying absolutely WTF shit like how his people “love me, all my people with me, they love me all. They will die to protect me, my people.”
The media has already pointed out the similar ways in which Sheen and Gaddafi are completely bonkers and I think they’re onto something. You could say Gaddafi is sort of the Charlie Sheen of evil dictators—anyone who only hires hot chicks to be his bodyguards, well, that’s gotta make a man like Sheen proud.
Mr. Mayer:
I would like to start by stating for the record that I did once enjoy your music. I heard “No Such Thing” on the radio one day in high school and as a repressed, straight-laced teen, the lyrics “They love to tell you ‘Stay inside the lines’/But something better’s on the other side” resonated with me more than all the WB shows running that season (even early One Tree Hill!).
For a long time afterwards, I was a very vocal fan. It would be difficult to find a moment in the car when I wasn’t singing along to something from Room for Squares or Heavier Things. I was a total romantic and it was that quality in your songs that drew me to them. When the majority of songs on the radio were about one night stands and nameless women, I heard words about love and heartbreak that clicked for me.
Yes, I even liked “Your Body is a Wonderland.”
Dear young Japanese male:
According to a recent government survey, 35.1 percent of Japanese males aged 16-19 said they are not interested in or even “averse” to sex. That’s more than double the 17.5 percent of Japanese men who responded in the same way in 2008. That means a whopping one-third of you, in the prime years of your sexual horniness, don’t care about or even hate sex. What the fuck?!
Now, the Japanese government is concerned about this statistic because the national birth rate stands at 1.21 babies per family, which is below the 2.08 babies necessary to maintain a “stable” population. But personally, I don’t care about that. I’m more concerned about the fact that you hate sex.
When I was your age, all I could think about was sex. It was all sex, all the time. Even things that had nothing to do with sex in any way whatsoever would still make me think of sex. Like this:
Dear Chinese government:
I understand you’re in a bit of a public relations dilemma so I’m here to help. In a ceremony last week in Norway, the Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to pro-democracy activist and Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo. But Liu was not in attendance and instead was represented by an empty chair.
Now, I don’t have to tell you why Liu wasn’t there. After all, you were the ones who sent him to prison for 11 years for his efforts to create a more democratic China and co-authoring Charter 08. To you, he’s a dangerous individual and a threat to your way of life. To most of the rest of the world, he is an unfairly jailed political prisoner. But I’m not here to argue about politics. Nope, I’m here specifically to advise you on the p.r. nightmare this latest situation has created for you.
Look at that photo of the empty chair again. That is one powerful image. That image alone has probably done more to tarnish your good name and paint you as a tyrannical bully. A Chinese wins one of the most prestigious awards in the world and you refuse to release him so he can pick up the award, give the traditional acceptance speech and hang with celebrities like Anne Hathaway and ask her what it was like to do the naked love scenes with the Prince of Persia. Even Barry Manilow was at the ceremony this year. How cool would it have been for him to sing “Looks Like We Made It” to Liu?
Dear Republican Party:
Two weeks ago today, you kicked major Democratic ass during the midterm elections. If the Democrats were Antonio Margarito, you guys were definitely Manny Pacquiao. You gained a majority in the House of Representatives, made significant strides in the Senate and, according to Fox News’ fair and balanced coverage, you won victories “on a scale not seen since the end of the New Deal.” Now, I went to public schools so I have no idea what the New Deal is, but it sounds pretty damn impressive nonetheless. And you accomplished this despite the defeat of some of your high-profile kooks candidates like Christine the Non-Masturbating Witch.
Clearly, many Americans were tired of a black man holding our highest office business as usual and they sent their message loud and clear.
I’m not a Republican though I’m still on record as saying I’ll take one for the team and totally bang Michelle Malkin and Sarah Palin, but as readers of this blog know, I like to keep an open mind about things. So although I may have been personally dissatisfied with the overall election results, I was willing to give you guys a chance.
Now, I know real and significant change doesn’t happen overnight. Sometimes it takes days. Sometimes even a week and some days. So I waited patiently for the change that you promised would come. I waited patiently for business as usual to become business as unusual and for business as unusual to become business as usual, but it’s been two whole weeks and…nothing.
Dear France:
Yesterday, your Senate overwhelmingly passed a bill that would ban the public wearing of the burqa or any other Islamic-style veil. If your Constitutional Council rules that this law is valid, it could go into effect in just six months. You’d become the first European country to pass such a ban, but some of your neighbors like Belgium are also considering similar measures so you may once again be a trend-setter like how you were the first to proclaim that Jerry Lewis was a genius which led others to also…well, uh, never mind.
Now, there are some who are accusing you of Islamophobia. You have the largest Muslim population in all of Europe and Islam is your second most popular religion and there are those who fear that this action will increase the already existing anti-Muslim sentiment in your country. But you’ve explained this isn’t about hatred, but rather about preserving your nation’s values and heritage “including its secular foundations and notions of fraternity that is contrary to those who hide their faces.”
So I’ll take you at your word that you have only the best of intentions, but you should still reconsider passing this ban. Not because I think it’s anti-Muslim or anything of the sort, but because this law could set a troubling precedent that could lead you down a slippery path of destruction.
Dear Parent:
If one or both of you are Korean and your child is about to have his or her first birthday, you’re most likely in the midst of planning a big celebration. In the Korean culture, the first birthday is a major occasion. The Dol or Dol Janchi is important because in the olden days, the infant mortality rate was very high for babies and it was considered a milestone to reach one’s first birthday (the first 100 days were also important) and the special day was marked with a big party.
This tradition still continues and one of the things that happens at this celebration is a ritual called the dol jabi. Here’s how it works–a number of items are left in front of the child and whatever he or she grabs is supposed to predict the baby’s future. Traditionally, items such as a book (to represent a scholarly future), string (long life) or money (wealth) are placed in front of the child. So if the birthday baby chooses the money, for example, he or she is supposed to become rich. More modern items can also be used such as a football (to signify a future athlete), a mouse (future computer genius) or even a movie camera (future filmmaker).
Now I’ve been to a number of dol celebrations recently and while this tradition may be my favorite part of the festivities, there’s one problem with it: It lacks serious drama.
Why? Because every item the baby can pick represents something “positive.” So let’s say that he or she chooses long life over money…is that really a bad thing? Nope, what we need to do is introduce a sense of danger to this ritual to make it more interesting by including items no Korean parent would want their kid to ever choose. Along those lines, here are some suggestions for things that you can include to increase your dol jabi drama…
Dear Dove World Outreach Centre:
So I read the latest news that your pastor Terry Jones is planning to commemorate 9/11 with an “International Burn a Koran Day” on the grounds of your Florida church and you’re calling on other religious groups to join you by burning their own piles of the Koran a.k.a. the Islamic holy book.
Here’s what he said on the subject: “Islam and Sharia law was responsible for 9/11. We see the effects of Islam on Europe. As it has done nothing, Islam is beginning to take over there. Islam is presenting itself as a religion of peace. We want to stop its spread here.”
Now, you’ve been criticized not only by Muslims and other non-Christians, but also sane Christians who see your actions as misguided, hateful and, frankly, a little cuckoo. But you’re not backing down. And why should you? You’re all about standing up for your baby Jesus-inspired convictions and, besides, you’re pumped and ready to literally turn up the heat with your event. There’s no stopping you now so burn, baby, burn! After all, your Facebook page is up:
Dear Readers,
I will be hitting Manhattan next week to attend the Asian American International Film Festival and promote our short film contest – Interpretations. My first priority is to answer your questions about Interpretations and my second priority is to eat well and that is something you can all help me out with…
In New York one is spoiled with choices from Michelin star restaurants to pushcart vendors all serving up great stuff. And sure, I could seek the counsel of yelp, chowhound, food critics, etc. But I’m giving these third parties a break.
