An Open Letter to the Asian American Brotha who Wants a Hot Chick (who puts out) to Accompany Him to Coachella

Dear aforementioned Asian American brotha:

So I noticed this ad you placed in the Bay Area section of Craigslist soliciting a “date” to accompany you to this year’s Coachella Music Fest:

For those readers who want a clearer look at the ad text, here it is:

I will provide the ticket, hotel, food, drinks, etc – requirements:
1. You like the XX , the Local Natives, and Of Monsters and Men
2. You are skinny, blonde or brunette, and have a kick ass personality and down to earth sense of humor
3. You like / don’t mind going to a music festival with a 6’0″ asian american guy, and no, its not small, and no – I do not have glasses, look like a nerd or have a fob accent (im 25)
4. You have to put out
Send me an e-mail with a photo if interested, i’m 100% serious. It might even be a VIP Pass if you’re lucky ;)

All I can say is—dude, what the shizzat is up with y’all?!

An Open Letter to the Chinese Billionaire Heiress Unable to Find Love

Dear Zong Fuli:

I’m sure most people think you’ve got it made. After all, you are the daughter of Zong Qinghou a.k.a. the richest man in China (with a fortune worth $10 billion) and being the child of a billionaire, well, let’s just say it’s a nice position to be in. However, it’s apparently not all roses and caviar parties. As you recently told China’s Fuzhou News, you have never had a boyfriend.

As the photo above shows, you’re an attractive woman and by most accounts intelligent as well (oh, and let’s not forget that you’re the daughter of the richest man in China). So what’s the problem? It seems that the men you meet aren’t interested in you, but more in your wealth. That makes sense—being the daughter of the richest man in China, it’s got to be difficult to meet someone who’s not out to get their hands on that vast fortune.

So what’s an otherwise attractive 30-year-old billionaire looking for love supposed to do?

SAF Seeking… An open letter to a God or someone to thank.

Maybe the answers are in the clouds.


I don’t know about you, but for about 40-60% of my breathing time, I’m wondering what I’m supposed to be doing with this life. I think it’s a first world problem. If we are middle class and therefore above the poverty level, we might be well-fed, have a room over our heads, and have some kind of access to making money and friends. Basic needs more or less covered. (I’m not talking about the poor so bear with me here. I know they exist.) I think a lot of us americans walk around thinking, “What can I do to make the world a better place?”

Sometimes we don’t know what our purpose is. (I sure as hell don’t know mine.)

An Open Letter to Spam on its 75th Birthday!

Dear Spam:

You turn 75 this month and while that may not be a cause for celebration for many, I just want to say—those people don’t know shit about nothing. Otherwise, they’d see you for the wonderful creation you are.

Yes, many look down on you and make fun of you and think of you as an unhealthy “mystery meat”. Someone even named all the unwanted emails we get after you—though if I ever meet the asswipe who did that, I’m gonna kick his Spam-hating ass.

If those people took the time and effort to really get to know you and see how tasty and versatile you are, I have no doubt they would have a different opinion about you.

What other foodstuff can be used to make Spam Musubi:

Pick Out the Immigrant Game

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZbMdFUFAro[/youtube]Who knew that C-SPAN can be so entertaining? Witness feisty Illinois Congressman Luis Gutierrez and his presentation against the Arizona “Show Me Your Papers” Law recently upheld by the Supreme Court.  His point? That AZ’s government officials and law enforcement must be psychic to figure out who’s the real immigrant here. Who knew that Ted Koppel was a fish and chips eating red coat?

An Open Letter to Couples Thinking of a Holiday Wedding

Dear About To Be Married Couple:

I bring up the following issue because this past weekend was the Memorial Day holiday and it seemed like there were a more-than-usual number of weddings that took place (though I should point out that I, myself, did not attend any weddings this past weekend). Now, I understand why a three-day holiday seems like the perfect time to hold your wedding—your guests will most likely have that extra day off from work so it seems like the most convenient time for your special day.

But if you’re thinking of scheduling your wedding on an upcoming holiday, I implore you to stop and think about what you’re doing. Because if you truly did, you would understand that holidays—and especially long holiday weekends–are the worst time to schedule your special day.

SAF Seeking… an Open Letter to Chris Norby

Paige Sultzbach: the Phoenix girl who made boys indignant.

Oh Chris Norby, aren’t your balls in a bunch!

I understand. You hate women’s sports. They’re terribly boring to watch… women’s basketball, women’s softball, women’s table tennis, hell… the only woman-dominated sport that gets much ESPN action is ‘Cheerleading’ and that’s only when it’s the Nationals.

I know it’s been a week, I hope you’re really thinking about what you said on Monday’s CA assembly to recognize the 40th Anniversary of Title XI.

An Open Letter to the Little Girl who No Longer Believes in Unicorns

Dear Little Girl:

What I saw happen to you this weekend was a travesty that broke my heart so I feel that I have to write about it in the hopes that you will read this and not give up on your dreams. And that you’ll continue believing that magic does exist in the world.

You see, I was at the same Mother’s Day gathering as you and I overheard what that grown-up woman said to you about unicorns. She told you that unicorns do not exist and that if you wanted to be a big girl, you must stop believing in them. I saw the expression on your face when this woman said that. I saw your look of disappointment. Your look of sadness. That all-too-familiar look of the innocence of youth being crushed like an aluminum can at the recycling center. I don’t know if the woman who told you this was your mom or a friend or a crazy homeless woman who had randomly wandered off the street, but whoever she was—she’s a lying whore!

Because I am here to tell you that unicorns are real. They are as real as the sun up in the sky. As real as the breasts hair $2000 Louis Vitton purse on the woman walking by my table at this very moment. As real as this bottle of Jack Daniels I’ve almost killed off while writing the previous sentence. And how do I know this?

An Open Letter to the Children of America About the Importance of Diversity in the Media

Here at YOMYOMF, we value the feedback from loyal readers like yourselves. That’s why when several of you suggested we try to write blogs that were more educational and blogs that could teach and inspire our youth, I thought—yes, that is a good and noble idea. So I vow to take this suggestion to heart and post more blogs…for the children.

And in that spirit–today, I write about an issue that is not only dear to my heart, but that is also very important in the multicultural society we live in…the lack of diversity in the mainstream media. And particularly in film and television. Furthermore, I’ll discuss this subject in a way that will allow even the youngest and stupidest child to understand. And further furthermore, in order to make sure everything I write is accurate and appropriate, I have asked a representative from a well-respected teachers’ organization to read over this post and make any necessary corrections. So let’s fucking do this! So let us proceed in the proper manner…

How to Survive Lunar New Year if You’re an Asian American Criminal

Dear Asian American Criminal:

Let me start off by saying that I don’t condone your criminal lifestyle—the murdering, the thieving, the embezzling, the assaulting and all the other illegal, awful things you do. But I know you are loyal readers of this blog because…well, just look at the shit we write about. And as loyal readers, I feel an obligation to return that loyalty to you and I can’t think of a better occasion to do that than on this Lunar New Year holiday. So let me just give you this one piece of valuable advice if you plan on committing your heinous crimes on this day of all days:

Don’t do it in Chinatown!

It doesn’t matter if you commit your crimes in Chinatown on the other 364 days of the year, this is the one day you must avoid it because I guarantee that you will get caught. Why? Because if Hollywood movies and TV shows have taught us anything, it’s that white cops are always busting Asian criminals in Chinatown while the new year’s celebrations are taking place.

An Open Letter to Students Forced to Read YOMYOMF in Class

Dear students:

It has come to my attention that more and more of you are being “forced” to read and study our blog in school–mostly in Asian American studies classes. I’ve known this has been happening for a while, but it hit home for me recently when I met a young, fresh-faced college co-ed who said she had been assigned to read some YOMYOMF blogs in her class. As she said this, there was a look of helplessness in her eyes—as if she were a deer gazing into the glare of the headlights that would spell her doom. And all I can say to the others of you in the same situation:

I feel your pain!

If I were a student and my teacher said we were going to “study” YOMYOMF, I’d be like, “What’cha talkin’ ‘bout, Teach?” You shouldn’t have to “study” or experience YOMYOMF in a classroom setting. YOMYOMF shouldn’t even be allowed anywhere near a classroom. If anything, you should be hanging out with YOMYOMF in the alley behind the off campus liquor store, shooting craps, smoking cigarettes, drinking cheap beer bought with fake IDs and then heading back to your dorm for a three-way with that Japanese exchange student who thinks being violated by an octopus tentacle is standard foreplay.

An Open Letter to China on its Crackdown on “Overly Entertaining” TV Programming

Dear China:

Your government’s State Administration of Radio, Film and Television recently ordered your country’s 34 satellite TV stations to “dramatically” cut back on programs that are “vulgar” or “overly entertaining.” You further said that “Satellite channels are mainly for the broadcast of news propaganda and should expand the proportion of news, economic, cultural, science and education, children’s, and documentary programming.” So no American Idol for you, China.

I know this news is sending chills down the spines of those who were looking forward to more “entertainment”-related programming and still others are accusing you of government censorship. But I’m not here to criticize or critique your mandate. You’ve made your decision and I respect that. No, I’m here to talk to you about an even thornier issue—how are you going to enforce this edict? After all, there’s always the chance that some show that has entertainment value could slip through the cracks and you’ll find yourself with egg on your face.

Luckily, I have the solution for you. If you want to guarantee that your TV programs won’t be entertaining on any level, all you need to do is hire Asian Americans.