Dear About To Be Married Couple:
I bring up the following issue because this past weekend was the Memorial Day holiday and it seemed like there were a more-than-usual number of weddings that took place (though I should point out that I, myself, did not attend any weddings this past weekend). Now, I understand why a three-day holiday seems like the perfect time to hold your wedding—your guests will most likely have that extra day off from work so it seems like the most convenient time for your special day.
But if you’re thinking of scheduling your wedding on an upcoming holiday, I implore you to stop and think about what you’re doing. Because if you truly did, you would understand that holidays—and especially long holiday weekends–are the worst time to schedule your special day. Read more...
Paige Sultzbach: the Phoenix girl who made boys indignant.
Oh Chris Norby
, aren’t your balls in a bunch!
I understand. You hate women’s sports. They’re terribly boring to watch… women’s basketball, women’s softball, women’s table tennis, hell… the only woman-dominated sport that gets much ESPN action is ‘Cheerleading’ and that’s only when it’s the Nationals.
I know it’s been a week, I hope you’re really thinking about what you said on Monday’s CA assembly to recognize the 40th Anniversary of Title XI. Read more...
Dear Little Girl:
What I saw happen to you this weekend was a travesty that broke my heart so I feel that I have to write about it in the hopes that you will read this and not give up on your dreams. And that you’ll continue believing that magic does exist in the world.
You see, I was at the same Mother’s Day gathering as you and I overheard what that grown-up woman said to you about unicorns. She told you that unicorns do not exist and that if you wanted to be a big girl, you must stop believing in them. I saw the expression on your face when this woman said that. I saw your look of disappointment. Your look of sadness. That all-too-familiar look of the innocence of youth being crushed like an aluminum can at the recycling center. I don’t know if the woman who told you this was your mom or a friend or a crazy homeless woman who had randomly wandered off the street, but whoever she was—she’s a lying whore!
Because I am here to tell you that unicorns are real. They are as real as the sun up in the sky. As real as the
breasts hair $2000 Louis Vitton purse on the woman walking by my table at this very moment. As real as this bottle of Jack Daniels I’ve almost killed off while writing the previous sentence. And how do I know this? Read more...
Here at YOMYOMF, we value the feedback from loyal readers like yourselves. That’s why when several of you suggested we try to write blogs that were more educational and blogs that could teach and inspire our youth, I thought—yes, that is a good and noble idea. So I vow to take this suggestion to heart and post more blogs…for the children.
And in that spirit–today, I write about an issue that is not only dear to my heart, but that is also very important in the multicultural society we live in…the lack of diversity in the mainstream media. And particularly in film and television. Furthermore, I’ll discuss this subject in a way that will allow even the youngest and stupidest child to understand. And further furthermore, in order to make sure everything I write is accurate and appropriate, I have asked a representative from a well-respected teachers’ organization to read over this post and make any necessary corrections.
So let’s fucking do this! So let us proceed in the proper manner… Read more...
Dear Asian American Criminal:
Let me start off by saying that I don’t condone your criminal lifestyle—the murdering, the thieving, the embezzling, the assaulting and all the other illegal, awful things you do. But I know you are loyal readers of this blog because…well, just look at the shit we write about. And as loyal readers, I feel an obligation to return that loyalty to you and I can’t think of a better occasion to do that than on this Lunar New Year holiday. So let me just give you this one piece of valuable advice if you plan on committing your heinous crimes on this day of all days:
Don’t do it in Chinatown!
It doesn’t matter if you commit your crimes in Chinatown on the other 364 days of the year, this is the one day you must avoid it because I guarantee that you will get caught. Why? Because if Hollywood movies and TV shows have taught us anything, it’s that white cops are always busting Asian criminals in Chinatown while the new year’s celebrations are taking place. Read more...
It has come to my attention that more and more of you are being “forced” to read and study our blog in school–mostly in Asian American studies classes. I’ve known this has been happening for a while, but it hit home for me recently when I met a young, fresh-faced college co-ed who said she had been assigned to read some YOMYOMF blogs in her class. As she said this, there was a look of helplessness in her eyes—as if she were a deer gazing into the glare of the headlights that would spell her doom. And all I can say to the others of you in the same situation:
I feel your pain!
If I were a student and my teacher said we were going to “study” YOMYOMF, I’d be like, “What’cha talkin’ ‘bout, Teach?” You shouldn’t have to “study” or experience YOMYOMF in a classroom setting. YOMYOMF shouldn’t even be allowed anywhere near a classroom. If anything, you should be hanging out with YOMYOMF in the alley behind the off campus liquor store, shooting craps, smoking cigarettes, drinking cheap beer bought with fake IDs and then heading back to your dorm for a three-way with that Japanese exchange student who thinks being violated by an octopus tentacle is standard foreplay. Read more...
Your government’s State Administration of Radio, Film and Television recently ordered your country’s 34 satellite TV stations to “dramatically” cut back on programs that are “vulgar” or “overly entertaining.” You further said that “Satellite channels are mainly for the broadcast of news propaganda and should expand the proportion of news, economic, cultural, science and education, children’s, and documentary programming.” So no American Idol for you, China.
I know this news is sending chills down the spines of those who were looking forward to more “entertainment”-related programming and still others are accusing you of government censorship. But I’m not here to criticize or critique your mandate. You’ve made your decision and I respect that. No, I’m here to talk to you about an even thornier issue—how are you going to enforce this edict? After all, there’s always the chance that some show that has entertainment value could slip through the cracks and you’ll find yourself with egg on your face.
Luckily, I have the solution for you. If you want to guarantee that your TV programs won’t be entertaining on any level, all you need to do is hire Asian Americans. Read more...
Dear Saturday Night Live:
I know other Asian Americans have criticized you for your continued lack of Asian representation in front of your cameras, but that’s not what I’m here to do today. It’s true your record in this department has been pretty spotty: though cast members Fred Armisen and Rob Schneider are part Asian, they’ve never been closely identified as “Asian” and you’ve only had two Asian hosts in 37 seasons—Lucy Liu and Jackie Chan—both back in 2000. But I’m cool with putting all of that aside for the moment.
Instead, I humbly offer one small suggestion that, while not the answer to this issue, could be a step in the right direction: Invite John Cho and Kal Penn to co-host the show together. Not only would this help to increase SNL’s diversity, but I think it would be a win-win for everyone involved.
Now, I understand that the lack of Asian hosts has more to do with the realities of the business than any sort of racism. You have to get big ratings to survive, and frankly, there aren’t many Asian performers who have the clout that a Tom Hanks or Ben Stiller has to attract those big audiences. But I think the combined talents of John Chon and Kal Penn will bring in the numbers you’ll need to make it worthwhile. Read more...
I’m just gonna come right out and say it: if you’re going attempt to murder someone, don’t get a tattoo commemorating it.
In the town of Antioch, California, in the bay area, a distinctive tattoo led to the arrest last week of 21 year old Antonio Esquivel, who admitted stabbing 19 year old Bridain Harold to death.
It all had something to do with a spat between rival gangs. You know how that goes: hurtful words are exchanged; people start using their outside voices; egos get bruised; next thing you know, someone’s plunging a knife into your chest.
The key tip that led to Esquivel’s arrest? A freshly inked tattoo on his chest showing two skulls and the words, “No warning shots.” Read more...
Dear Korean American parent-to-be:
A couple of weeks ago, I posted the following message on Facebook/Twitter:
Dear Korean soon-to-be parents with the last names of Lee, Kim or Park, do not name your child John or Grace. It’s getting too damn confusing.
And I know I’m not the only one who has this problem. I know many of you reading this have had an experience like the following:
There are multiple John Kims in your address book so you accidentally send the following email to the John Kim who is the pastor of your church instead of the John Kim who is your trusted business partner:
I have disposed of the body. No one will know.
Or you get confused by the multiple Grace Lees you know and send the following text to your 55-year-old aunt Grace Lee instead of the super freaky 25-year-old Grace Lee you met at norebang last weekend:
Girl, that thing u can do w/your tongue & the ice cubes is wicked awesome! Can’t wait 2 see what u do 2 me this weekend with the whipped cream, riding crop & midget dressed like Tattoo from Fantasy Island. LOL. Read more...
Lobster, I think it’s best that I start plainly:
I love you.
You are fucking ugly. But I love you.
Just now, as I gaze upon your visage, I am reminded of the Predator.
He is an ugly fictional creature whereas you are an ugly real creature. Coincidence! Read more...
Dear Asian American graduate about to pursue a career in the arts:
Some of you have already graduated in recent weeks while others of you will do so very shortly, but you all collectively stand on the precipice of the exciting, next phase of your young lives…unemployment and moving back into your parents’ basement. So let me offer some advice as you navigate your way through the “real world” and pursue your dream of being an artist—whether it be a painter, writer, actor, director, musician or whatever it is the Kardashians do.
You may be wondering what makes me qualified to give such advice? Well, frankly, nothing. But I am older than you–not so old that it’d be weird if you’re still in your sexual experimentation phase and wanted to play “Korean traveling salesman knocks on door of bored and randy housewife,” but old enough to know what a traveling salesman actually is—and age experience counts for something.
I realize you’re going out into a world that feels scary and unstable—the economy sucks, the cost of living is higher than it’s ever been and Twilight swept the MTV Movie Awards—but amidst all this uncertainty, there’s one truth that you should always remember. One fact that will get you through any obstacle life puts in your way. One thing that no one can ever take away from you. And that is this…