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An Open Letter to China on its Crackdown on “Overly Entertaining” TV Programming

  • October 28, 2011 12:01 am

Dear China:

Your government’s State Administration of Radio, Film and Television recently ordered your country’s 34 satellite TV stations to “dramatically” cut back on programs that are “vulgar” or “overly entertaining.” You further said that “Satellite channels are mainly for the broadcast of news propaganda and should expand the proportion of news, economic, cultural, science and education, children’s, and documentary programming.” So no American Idol for you, China.

I know this news is sending chills down the spines of those who were looking forward to more “entertainment”-related programming and still others are accusing you of government censorship. But I’m not here to criticize or critique your mandate. You’ve made your decision and I respect that. No, I’m here to talk to you about an even thornier issue—how are you going to enforce this edict? After all, there’s always the chance that some show that has entertainment value could slip through the cracks and you’ll find yourself with egg on your face.

Luckily, I have the solution for you. If you want to guarantee that your TV programs won’t be entertaining on any level, all you need to do is hire Asian Americans.  Read more...

An Open Letter to SNL on Why John Cho & Kal Penn Should Host

  • October 12, 2011 12:01 am

Dear Saturday Night Live:

I know other Asian Americans have criticized you for your continued lack of Asian representation in front of your cameras, but that’s not what I’m here to do today. It’s true your record in this department has been pretty spotty: though cast members Fred Armisen and Rob Schneider are part Asian, they’ve never been closely identified as “Asian” and you’ve only had two Asian hosts in 37 seasons—Lucy Liu and Jackie Chan—both back in 2000. But I’m cool with putting all of that aside for the moment.

Instead, I humbly offer one small suggestion that, while not the answer to this issue, could be a step in the right direction: Invite John Cho and Kal Penn to co-host the show together. Not only would this help to increase SNL’s diversity, but I think it would be a win-win for everyone involved.

Now, I understand that the lack of Asian hosts has more to do with the realities of the business than any sort of racism. You have to get big ratings to survive, and frankly, there aren’t many Asian performers who have the clout that a Tom Hanks or Ben Stiller has to attract those big audiences. But I think the combined talents of John Chon and Kal Penn will bring in the numbers you’ll need to make it worthwhile.  Read more...

An Open Letter To Would-Be Felons Regarding Distinctive Tattoos

  • July 19, 2011 4:00 am

I’m just gonna come right out and say it: if you’re going attempt to murder someone, don’t get a tattoo commemorating it.

In the town of Antioch, California, in the bay area, a distinctive tattoo led to the arrest last week of 21 year old Antonio Esquivel, who admitted stabbing 19 year old Bridain Harold to death.

It all had something to do with a spat between rival gangs.  You know how that goes: hurtful words are exchanged; people start using their outside voices; egos get bruised; next thing you know, someone’s plunging a knife into your chest.

The key tip that led to Esquivel’s arrest?  A freshly inked tattoo on his chest showing two skulls and the words, “No warning shots.”  Read more...

An Open Letter to Korean American Parents About Naming Their Child

  • July 1, 2011 12:01 am

Dear Korean American parent-to-be:

A couple of weeks ago, I posted the following message on Facebook/Twitter:

Dear Korean soon-to-be parents with the last names of Lee, Kim or Park, do not name your child John or Grace. It’s getting too damn confusing.

And I know I’m not the only one who has this problem. I know many of you reading this have had an experience like the following:

There are multiple John Kims in your address book so you accidentally send the following email to the John Kim who is the pastor of your church instead of the John Kim who is your trusted business partner:

I have disposed of the body. No one will know. :)

Or you get confused by the multiple Grace Lees you know and send the following text to your 55-year-old aunt Grace Lee instead of the super freaky 25-year-old Grace Lee you met at norebang last weekend:

Girl, that thing u can do w/your tongue & the ice cubes is wicked awesome! Can’t wait 2 see what u do 2 me this weekend with the whipped cream, riding crop & midget dressed like Tattoo from Fantasy Island. LOL.  Read more...

An Open Letter to Lobster.

  • June 13, 2011 10:39 am

Lobster, I think it’s best that I start plainly:

I love you.

You are fucking ugly.  But I love you.

Just now, as I gaze upon your visage, I am reminded of the Predator.

He is an ugly fictional creature whereas you are an ugly real creature.  Coincidence!  Read more...

An Open Letter to the Asian American Graduates of the Class of 2011 Aspiring to be Artists

  • June 9, 2011 12:01 am

Dear Asian American graduate about to pursue a career in the arts:

Some of you have already graduated in recent weeks while others of you will do so very shortly, but you all collectively stand on the precipice of the exciting, next phase of your young lives…unemployment and moving back into your parents’ basement. So let me offer some advice as you navigate your way through the “real world” and pursue your dream of being an artist—whether it be a painter, writer, actor, director, musician or whatever it is the Kardashians do.

You may be wondering what makes me qualified to give such advice? Well, frankly, nothing. But I am older than you–not so old that it’d be weird if you’re still in your sexual experimentation phase and wanted to play “Korean traveling salesman knocks on door of bored and randy housewife,” but old enough to know what a traveling salesman actually is—and age experience counts for something.

I realize you’re going out into a world that feels scary and unstable—the economy sucks, the cost of living is higher than it’s ever been and Twilight swept the MTV Movie Awards—but amidst all this uncertainty, there’s one truth that you should always remember. One fact that will get you through any obstacle life puts in your way. One thing that no one can ever take away from you. And that is this…

 Read more...

An Open Letter to Possums Not Wishing to Become Roadkill

  • May 9, 2011 12:01 am

Dear Possums:

Let’s get something straight—I don’t like you and I’m sure you don’t like me and that’s totally cool. As far as I’m concerned, you are one of God’s most disgusting creations—an overgrown rat with a pouch. Except uglier. But what’s not cool is the death wish you seem to have and how you’re making me your complicit partner in this…possum genocide.

Permit me to explain:

The other night, I’m driving home and the last thing on my mind is anything possum-related. In fact, this is my train of thought as I’m making my way blissfully down the street: I’m not too hungry, but it seems a shame to pass by an In-N-Out and not make a quick trip through the drive-in. But then I shouldn’t be such a pig considering it’s late and I’m not even famished. Maybe I’ll just get fries. That’s not too bad, right? Or actually, I’ll also be passing a Carl’s Jr. and fried zucchini sounds good, haven’t had that in awhile. Hey, there’s a big ass billboard for Fast Five, that’s pretty cool. And there’s even a bigger ass billboard for…another Kardashian reality show?! People still watch this shit? And the new marketing tagline is—“who’s your favorite Kardashian sister?” What the hell kind of question is that?! That’s like asking–what’s you favorite STD? How the fuck am I supposed to choose between gonorrhea and syphilis?! Wait, there’s also a KFC coming up. Maybe if I just get a couple of snackers–“

And that’s when I see it. A possum scurrying right in front of my car. I brake but no way I can stop that quickly. THUMP! Bye-bye, Mr. or Mrs. Possum.  Read more...

An Open Letter to Justin Lin

  • April 29, 2011 1:21 pm

Dear Justin,

Let me start off by saying that I was able to attend the N.A. premiere of “Fast Five” last night and it was an awesome, action-packed, all-out crazy, fun ride of a movie and you deserve all the success and kudos you get.

But I think that we need to start sending out a more conscientious message to movie-going kids today.  So here’s my suggestion for “Fast 6”.  How about electric car racing?  After all, we really need to save the environment and stop our dependence on Middle East oil.

 Read more...

An Open Letter to the City of Placentia.

  • April 25, 2011 12:00 am

Names: they’re something we’re born with and, in most cases, we carry them with us – for better or worse – till the day we die.

However, as people, we always have the option to change it somewhere down the line.  (“Max Powers” is always a pretty good choice.)

On the other hand, if you are not a person – if you’re a place or thing – you’re kind of screwed because you have no choice in the matter.

On the plus side, you (probably) don’t have any semblance of what we call a “consciousness” so you’re (probably) not even aware of your unfortunate moniker anyway.

Actually, you wouldn’t be able to read this either so HA!

Unless you’re a robot – in which case, I’m sorry but please find it in your cold mechanical heart to forgive me when the Singularity comes.

Get under control, ADD! Whew, okay – now, one city that consistently makes me contemplate this unfortunate, unknowable conundrum for places and things is Placentia, in sunny ol’ California.


Because, for one, I never read it as “Placentia” the first time I see its name after a long while.  No, sir/ma’am – I always read the damn name as “placenta,” which, I’m told, is something significantly different.  Read more...

An Open Letter to Billy Crudup.

  • March 17, 2011 12:00 am

Mr. Crudup:

I’m a very obsessive person.

Wait.  Let me start over.

I am a huge fan, although I would like to confess that I am not the most familiar with your entire body of work.

Wait.  Let me start over.

I just checked IMDb and it is safe to say you’ve an amazing body of work, of which I am a fan even if I have not seen them all.

Hm.  Yeah, let’s just keep this trainwreck going.  Anyway, I just recently caught Almost Famous and you once again came to the forefront of my attention.

The movie was fantastic, but I must confess that watching it only served to awaken a desire I’d long ago forgotten:

 Read more...

An Open Letter to CBS Regarding the Charlie Sheen Problem

  • March 2, 2011 12:01 am

Dear CBS:

Of course you and everyone reading this knows what’s going on with Charlie “I’m a winner” Sheen so I’m sure I don’t have to fill anyone in on all the batshit crazy details. But it comes down to this…from your perspective, it looks like Sheen’s gone off his rocker, but it’s going to be difficult to completely wash your hands of him because he’s still the star of Two-and-a-Half Men, which is a huge cash cow for your network. So what to do? Luckily, I have the perfect solution not only to your problem, but a similar problem that the international community is also facing.

I’m sure you also know that Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi is continuing merrily along with his own batshit crazy routine. In the midst of protests and calls for him to give up power, Gaddafi remains defiant even saying absolutely WTF shit like how his people “love me, all my people with me, they love me all. They will die to protect me, my people.”

The media has already pointed out the similar ways in which Sheen and Gaddafi are completely bonkers and I think they’re onto something. You could say Gaddafi is sort of the Charlie Sheen of evil dictators—anyone who only hires hot chicks to be his bodyguards, well, that’s gotta make a man like Sheen proud.

 Read more...

An Open Letter to Singer/Songwriter John Mayer.

  • March 1, 2011 12:00 am

Mr. Mayer:

I would like to start by stating for the record that I did once enjoy your music.  I heard “No Such Thing” on the radio one day in high school and as a repressed, straight-laced teen, the lyrics “They love to tell you ‘Stay inside the lines’/But something better’s on the other side” resonated with me more than all the WB shows running that season (even early One Tree Hill!).

For a long time afterwards, I was a very vocal fan.  It would be difficult to find a moment in the car when I wasn’t singing along to something from Room for Squares or Heavier Things.  I was a total romantic and it was that quality in your songs that drew me to them.  When the majority of songs on the radio were about one night stands and nameless women, I heard words about love and heartbreak that clicked for me.

Yes, I even liked “Your Body is a Wonderland.”

 Read more...