Dear Parent:
If one or both of you are Korean and your child is about to have his or her first birthday, you’re most likely in the midst of planning a big celebration. In the Korean culture, the first birthday is a major occasion. The Dol or Dol Janchi is important because in the olden days, the infant mortality rate was very high for babies and it was considered a milestone to reach one’s first birthday (the first 100 days were also important) and the special day was marked with a big party.
This tradition still continues and one of the things that happens at this celebration is a ritual called the dol jabi. Here’s how it works–a number of items are left in front of the child and whatever he or she grabs is supposed to predict the baby’s future. Traditionally, items such as a book (to represent a scholarly future), string (long life) or money (wealth) are placed in front of the child. So if the birthday baby chooses the money, for example, he or she is supposed to become rich. More modern items can also be used such as a football (to signify a future athlete), a mouse (future computer genius) or even a movie camera (future filmmaker).
Now I’ve been to a number of dol celebrations recently and while this tradition may be my favorite part of the festivities, there’s one problem with it: It lacks serious drama.
Why? Because every item the baby can pick represents something “positive.” So let’s say that he or she chooses long life over money…is that really a bad thing? Nope, what we need to do is introduce a sense of danger to this ritual to make it more interesting by including items no Korean parent would want their kid to ever choose. Along those lines, here are some suggestions for things that you can include to increase your dol jabi drama…
Read more...
Dear Dove World Outreach Centre:
So I read the latest news that your pastor Terry Jones is planning to commemorate 9/11 with an “International Burn a Koran Day” on the grounds of your Florida church and you’re calling on other religious groups to join you by burning their own piles of the Koran a.k.a. the Islamic holy book.
Here’s what he said on the subject: “Islam and Sharia law was responsible for 9/11. We see the effects of Islam on Europe. As it has done nothing, Islam is beginning to take over there. Islam is presenting itself as a religion of peace. We want to stop its spread here.”
Now, you’ve been criticized not only by Muslims and other non-Christians, but also sane Christians who see your actions as misguided, hateful and, frankly, a little cuckoo. But you’re not backing down. And why should you? You’re all about standing up for your baby Jesus-inspired convictions and, besides, you’re pumped and ready to literally turn up the heat with your event. There’s no stopping you now so burn, baby, burn! After all, your Facebook page is up:
Read more...
Dear Readers,
I will be hitting Manhattan next week to attend the Asian American International Film Festival and promote our short film contest – Interpretations. My first priority is to answer your questions about Interpretations and my second priority is to eat well and that is something you can all help me out with…
In New York one is spoiled with choices from Michelin star restaurants to pushcart vendors all serving up great stuff. And sure, I could seek the counsel of yelp, chowhound, food critics, etc. But I’m giving these third parties a break. Read more...
An important note to our general readership: As I’m sure you discerned from the title, the following letter is addressed to our German readers and intended for their eyes and their eyes only. So if you are currently not logging in from Germany, I kindly ask that you stop reading this post immediately. If you have nowhere else to go, may I suggest re-visiting my fellow Offender Emmie’s blog on cute baby porcupines hedgehogs. They really are cute.
Dear German Reader:
Heil, my friends! OK, now that it’s just you and me, I can speak freely. I am singling you out for one reason…you guys are special. I don’t want to say that you’re more special than any of our other readers, but, well, let me put it this way—you may hold the key to our future success. So yeah, I guess that does make you more special than our other readers.
Now, those of you who follow us on Twitter and/or Facebook already know that our German readership is growing at an alarming disturbing unprecedented rate. In fact, here are the top ten countries in terms of traffic to our site for the past month (May 31-June 30) starting with the U.S. where we have our largest readership: Read more...
Dear Takeru “Tsunami” Kobayashi:
I was shocked and disheartened when I heard the news yesterday that you would most likely not be competing this Fourth of July in Nathan’s International Hot Dog Eating Contest on Coney Island. Some of our readers may not know this, but that event is the apex of competitive eating. It is to eating what the Super Bowl is to football or what the World Cup is to soccer. And you are its star. In 2001, you put away 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes, beating the previous world record by a whopping 25 hot dogs. You are a six-time champ—that’s more wins than anyone else in the history of this “sport” (since the event is broadcast on ESPN, I’m cool with referring to it as a “sport” as long as I can keep the quotes around it). And it’s not just hot dogs. You have gone on to win competitive eating contests featuring hamburgers, pizzas, lobster rolls and just about anything you can put in your mouth.
So when The International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE) Executive Director George Shea told the press that they had reached “an impasse” in your contract negotiations, which will most likely not be resolved by July 4…my heart sank. What made the news especially devastating was that this announcement came close on the heels of your fellow countryman and world masturbation champ Masanobu Sato’s decision not to participate in this year’s Masturbate-a-thon. Read more...
Dear Roger,
I read your blog ‘i gots no clothes’, hear your cry for help and as your longtime friend and admirer, am going to step in and offer some unsolicited style advice. You’re one of the best looking guys I know and it’s a royal shame to let that greatness be wrapped up in clothing that is less than stellar. Also, I have to stop you from doing the male equivalent of wearing Ugg boots and minis and suggest a moratorium on funky button downs that are default hip-yet-casual gear for the urban set. These shirts risk crossing into similar territory as the Ed Hardy printed t-shirt – a tattoo surrogate and fashion staple for regular guys who want to sport the ink but can’t deal with the permanence or pain. But you’re so much better than that. I know you’re a responsible, selfless person and would sooner spend money on your dear loved ones than on an outfit for yourself. But I assure you, it can be painless and not too pricey to invest in some staples that are versatile and will become go-to classics in your wardrobe so you can show off your God-given assets with grace and style. Read more...
Dear China:
Ni hao! I know you already know that Hollywood is remaking the 1984 film Red Dawn; this time with the Chinese as the enemy invaders who attack the U.S. (see my fellow Offender Roger’s post for more details). I hear you’re not too happy about this film and, of course, you are completely justified in that. You’re worried that the movie could unfairly paint you as an evil superpower out to conquer America by force. And you should be. Let’s face it—American moviegoers are dumb. They’ll believe anything they see. I mean people do stupid shit like flock to the town in the Pacific Northwest where Twilight takes place expecting to—what? Run into a bunch of brooding, pretty boy vampires and werewolves who’ll sweep them off their feet?
So you must have been happy when you heard the recent news that Red Dawn may not be released after all because MGM, the studio that made the film, is all out of money. They have no money, they can’t put out the movie. End of story, right? Not quite. This is Hollywood and anything can happen. You could wake up tomorrow to learn that some big corporation has bought MGM and Red Dawn may go right back to being released later this year as originally planned. So what to do?
Well, I have a simple solution for you: you should just buy MGM. Read more...
Dear Anri Suzuki:
We’ve never met and honestly, I’d never heard of you before today though I do know some of your Japanese AV colleagues and have learned much from their tutelage or “tit-elage” as the case may be (Konnichiwa, Takako and Risa! Kimi ga inakute tottemo samishii yo!). But I was moved by your recent announcement that you’d have free sex with Chinese students as compensation for the terrible things your countrymen did to the Chinese in World War II. You’re essentially letting the Chinese do to you now, what the Japanese did to them in the past and that’s awesome!
Here’s what you told the press: “We have to respect history and cannot obliterate it. I want to cure the wounds of Chinese with my body, and I am practicing this by having sex with Chinese students in Japan. I think it is psychological compensation to them. Actually, Chinese students treat me more friendly and comfortably than Japanese.”
Like I said, I was touched and I applaud your efforts to address the still present scars from a history that some of your fellow Japanese continue to deny, but I do have one issue with your plan. Well, it’s more of a request and I hope you’ll take this in the spirit of healing in which it was intended, but…I ask that you also consider offering free compensation sex to Korean guys. Read more...
Dear Masanobu Sato:
Before I address you directly, let me spill a little bit of virtual ink to fill in our readers on your amazing accomplishment. Every May for the past 11 years, the Center for Sex & Culture in San Francisco has held its Masturbate-a-thon fundraiser. And for those who are wondering…yes, it’s exactly what you think it is. People pay a fee to enter and spend the day masturbating; attempting to win in categories such as most orgasms and longest session. And when it comes to the longest time, no one at this year’s event even came close to touching the record you set last year at 9 hours and 33 minutes. That’s an incredible feat and I’d be honored to give you a congratulatory handshake…except that’s probably not a good idea—no offense, bro.
Now, you’ve competed in this event the last two years and handily beat choked jerked off easily defeated your competition both times. But that’s also why everyone was surprised when you announced that you would not be participating in this year’s event (which took place last weekend over the Memorial Day holiday). In fact, according to this report out of Japan, it seems you’re not planning on competing in the future either unless someone breaks your record (which didn’t happen this time, FYI). In the words of Bobby Brown–that’s your prerogative, but I’m writing to ask you to reconsider. Read more...
Dear Graduate:
Congratulations on graduating from high school or college. You are about to take your first steps into the “real” world. Maybe you’re feeling worried and scared about what your future might hold. And you know what…you should be frightened. The world is such a fucking mess right now and you may be ill-equipped to do anything about it. All those “inspirational” speakers at your commencement ceremony who talk about how you’ll be successful if you just follow your dreams or embrace your dreams or make sweet love to your dreams…I’d forget about that. If you’re lucky, you’ll be living in your parents’ basement until you’re 40. And that’s if you’re lucky.
Look, I’m not just saying this to be cynical or to shock you or because I’ve just done four lines of coke and downed a six-pack of Corona. I’m trying to treat you like the adult that you now are and tell you the truth–warts and all. And it’s not completely your fault that you’ve been denied the tools to help you successfully navigate your way through this cruel world. You just happened to have had the awful luck to be born at a bad time. You were born into an era of quick and easy access to porn and that may very well be the root of your problems. Read more...
Dear Heart-Broken Teen:
I want to address this letter specifically to those teenage boys reading this who may have recently had a difficult break-up with a girl (or boy if you swing that way, but to keep it simple for the purposes of this blog, I’ll address you as if you were straight.). It’s been decades years just a short span of time since I myself was a teen so I totally understand what you’re feeling. It’s as if your whole world has come crashing to an end and your future looks bleaker then the Gulf Coast’s. But whatever you do, do not do what this 19-year-old teen in Central Java (that’s in Indonesia for those of you attending American public schools) did…cut off his own penis and throw it down a well.
You heard right–upon learning that his girlfriend was going to marry another man, this teen cut off his aforementioned penis and threw it down the aforementioned well. The boy is expected to recover, but doctors will be unable to re-attach his penis because villagers were unable to find it after an exhaustive search.
I’m sure in your current emotional state, the idea of cutting off your penis sounds like the only option left to you. After all, what better way to get back at your bitch of an ex-girlfriend then by chopping off your own member? Why egg her car or send her endless drunken messages/texts/emails about how she sucked out your soul like a soul-sucking soulless vampire when you can slice off your own dick instead?
Never mind that what you’re thinking of doing will probably be the most painful thing you’ll ever experience. You think you’re hurting now because of a broken heart, imagine how it’s going to feel to have both a broken heart and your penis forcibly ripped from your body? But aside from the physical pain, there are other reasons why this is a bad idea so allow me to explain further: Read more...
(If you haven’t yet, read Pt. I here. It provides the context for this letter and may answer questions not specifically addressed here)
Dear Asian American actor:
In part one of this letter, I discussed the fact that there is currently no true Asian American star and what goes into the making of a star and how that might apply to Asian American actors i.e. you. Let me continue on this thread today and also humbly offer some advice on the subject. Again, this is just one guy’s opinion so take it for what it is, but it’s also an opinion formed from many years of working in the biz, the community and with hundreds of Asian American actors on all sorts of projects.
Now, let’s say you’re lucky enough to book a significant role in a Hollywood film or a series regular on a TV series. These are major accomplishments and you should be justly proud, but this does not make you a star. I repeat—this does not make you a star. I bring this up because I’ve seen this happen on numerous occasions: an Asian American actor gets cast in the aforementioned film or TV show and all of a sudden they think they’re Brad Pitt or Sandra Bullock. Read more...
I love Michelle Kwan. Always have. The girl’s got the entire package. She’s smart, well-spoken, has incredible skin, possesses legs as hard as granite, and is quite a looker. My only regret in life is that she and I never dated. I think we would have made a fantastic pair.
Usually I do not pursue a girl that I am interested in. Like the puma, I am patient. But I am getting old and wish to experience this relationship before I turn into an oriental raisin with a severe case of male pattern baldness and possible ED issues. Also, osteoporosis is not a kind dance partner to hot romantic seductions on ice.
So in the spirit of The Secret, I will set the metaphysical dominoes in motion by declaring my desire to date The Great Michelle Kwan in the form of a love poem. It is my hope that she will respond to my romantic beckonings before the close of the Vancouver winter olympics. With the extinguishing of one olympic flame, perhaps the flames of love of one of olympic’s greatest champions will spark and be inspired to burn forever bright. Let the games begin… Read more...
“What was once said of the British aristocracy–that they did nothing and did it very well–is a definition that can be applied to movie actors. For gifted movie actors affect us most, I believe, not by talking, fighting, fucking, killing, cursing, or cross-dressing. They do it by being photographed…Great movie actors have features that are ruthlessly efficient…The point is that a fine actor on screen conveys a staggering amount of information before he ever opens his mouth.”
–Robert Towne (screenwriter, Chinatown, Shampoo)
Dear Asian American actor:
There are a number of things I’d like to say so pardon me because I’m going to skip the pleasantries and get right to the point. Some of what you’re about to read might hurt, but there’s a very important reason why I’m telling you all this which I’ll get to in detail later in Part II. But know this: we are now at a critical junction in our growth as a community. We have a real opportunity to make the type of impact in Hollywood that the generations before us could only dream of. It’s time to step up to the plate and swing for the stands.
Now, “stardom” is a term that’s loaded with all sorts of implications. But here’s the stark reality—currently, there is no Asian American actor we can define as a true star. “What?!” I hear you asking. “But what about Lucy Liu or John Cho or others like them? Aren’t they movie stars?” Sorry to burst your bubble, but none of them are stars. See, there’s a difference between being a star and being famous or a celebrity. William Hung may be famous (possibly the most recognizable Asian American male in the U.S.), but he is not a star. In Hollywood, there’s only one definition of stardom that matters and it is this—can you get a project greenlit and open a film? Read more...
Dear Homophobic Sir or Madam:
As I previously blogged, California is in the midst of a trial to decide the validity of Proposition 8, which outlawed same-sex marriages in the state. If you are a Californian, you probably voted for Prop 8 and, if not, you sure would have if you could. Yes, I’m one of them liberals that opposed this measure, but I’m not here to judge you. I’m not going to tell you how today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day and how it’s important to remember his message of tolerance and acceptance. I’m not going to call you an inbred, backwards, idiotic hick. Nope, you hate gay people and, well, you have the right to your opinion. That’s what makes America great.
But that’s why I can’t understand why you are opposed to same-sex marriage. Yeah, I get it—God wanted marriage to be between a man and a woman, blah, blah, blah…but if you genuinely despise gays, you’d want them to be able to get married. You heard me right—if you are anti-gay, you should be supporting same-sex marriage.
Why? Well, don’t you want gays to be as miserable and unhappy as possible? What better way to ensure that then to let them get married. Read more...
Dear Proprietors of New Pho establishments,
I love Pho, the venerable and delicious Vietnamese beef noodle soup. Since it’s getting a little nippy here in SoCal, a piping hot bowl of Pho Xe Lua, or all the fixings, surely hits the spot for me. It’s cheap, filling and everyone seems to love it; so much so, that pho restaurants are springing up everywhere like a water drenched gremlin.
Now this is all fine and good, but more pho restaurants does not equal good quality pho. Not only is this diminishing the greatness of my culture’s signature cuisine, simply because many of these new restaurants aren’t even owned and operated by actual Vietnamese folk, but the idiotic names of these poseur establishments are just ridiculous. Ah-ha, it was cute in the beginning to have a “play on words” with “pho” but now it just kills me. Here are some very sad examples: Read more...
I don’t work for NBC. So I get to say whatever I want to say.
If this is a publicity stunt (and I don’t put it past you that you wouldn’t do that to us- the American Public), it sucks balls.
Are you seriously getting rid of CONAN O’BRIEN????? Are you INSANE? You want to keep LENO and shove off the Great Conan-do? What drug are you guys on? Sure, Conan’s humor has been branded as hyper and frenetic, but as a thirty-something, that’s what I grew up on. It’s all about taking chances and looking the fool and yet accepting yourself. WOW. What a positive approach to life. We should teach it to our children! I LOVE it. Read more...
Dear Lindsay:
According to your New Year’s resolution tweets, I know your goal in 2010 is to move “forward, not backwards. Leaving the bad (people, habbits [sic], and negative energy behind) time to make changes-right!?!?” I’m not sure if your little “accident” this past weekend was a step in the right direction (though it looks like you will be cleared of any major wrong-doing), but I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt because I want to wish the best for everyone. So when I heard you were teaming with the BBC to produce a documentary on the problem of human trafficking in India and had traveled to that country last month, again, I hoped for the best.
As you probably already know, yesterday was Human Trafficking Awareness Day and the BBC released a short teaser for your documentary (which everyone can see after the jump) and all I can say is WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, GIRL?!! Read more...
Dear Mr. Favreau:
I recently saw the trailer for the upcoming Iron Man 2 and I have to say that it looks very impressive. I wasn’t really a big comic book fan growing up and didn’t know too much about Iron Man, but you did a great job directing the first film and I’m looking forward to what you have in store for the sequel.
But there is one thing I was disappointed you didn’t include in the first movie and from what I’ve heard from the grapevine, you have no plans to include this in the second one either. If this is indeed the case, I am writing to ask you to reconsider. Most people know that the Iron Man suit has a lot of cool powers, but there’s a special gadget the suit possesses that begs to be included in the sequel. And what is this you may be asking? Two words: roller skates. Read more...
