I love Michelle Kwan. Always have. The girl’s got the entire package. She’s smart, well-spoken, has incredible skin, possesses legs as hard as granite, and is quite a looker. My only regret in life is that she and I never dated. I think we would have made a fantastic pair.
Usually I do not pursue a girl that I am interested in. Like the puma, I am patient. But I am getting old and wish to experience this relationship before I turn into an oriental raisin with a severe case of male pattern baldness and possible ED issues. Also, osteoporosis is not a kind dance partner to hot romantic seductions on ice.
So in the spirit of The Secret, I will set the metaphysical dominoes in motion by declaring my desire to date The Great Michelle Kwan in the form of a love poem. It is my hope that she will respond to my romantic beckonings before the close of the Vancouver winter olympics. With the extinguishing of one olympic flame, perhaps the flames of love of one of olympic’s greatest champions will spark and be inspired to burn forever bright. Let the games begin… Read more...
“What was once said of the British aristocracy–that they did nothing and did it very well–is a definition that can be applied to movie actors. For gifted movie actors affect us most, I believe, not by talking, fighting, fucking, killing, cursing, or cross-dressing. They do it by being photographed…Great movie actors have features that are ruthlessly efficient…The point is that a fine actor on screen conveys a staggering amount of information before he ever opens his mouth.”
–Robert Towne (screenwriter, Chinatown, Shampoo)
Dear Asian American actor:
There are a number of things I’d like to say so pardon me because I’m going to skip the pleasantries and get right to the point. Some of what you’re about to read might hurt, but there’s a very important reason why I’m telling you all this which I’ll get to in detail later in Part II. But know this: we are now at a critical junction in our growth as a community. We have a real opportunity to make the type of impact in Hollywood that the generations before us could only dream of. It’s time to step up to the plate and swing for the stands.
Now, “stardom” is a term that’s loaded with all sorts of implications. But here’s the stark reality—currently, there is no Asian American actor we can define as a true star. “What?!” I hear you asking. “But what about Lucy Liu or John Cho or others like them? Aren’t they movie stars?” Sorry to burst your bubble, but none of them are stars. See, there’s a difference between being a star and being famous or a celebrity. William Hung may be famous (possibly the most recognizable Asian American male in the U.S.), but he is not a star. In Hollywood, there’s only one definition of stardom that matters and it is this—can you get a project greenlit and open a film? Read more...
Dear Homophobic Sir or Madam:
As I previously blogged, California is in the midst of a trial to decide the validity of Proposition 8, which outlawed same-sex marriages in the state. If you are a Californian, you probably voted for Prop 8 and, if not, you sure would have if you could. Yes, I’m one of them liberals that opposed this measure, but I’m not here to judge you. I’m not going to tell you how today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day and how it’s important to remember his message of tolerance and acceptance. I’m not going to call you an inbred, backwards, idiotic hick. Nope, you hate gay people and, well, you have the right to your opinion. That’s what makes America great.
But that’s why I can’t understand why you are opposed to same-sex marriage. Yeah, I get it—God wanted marriage to be between a man and a woman, blah, blah, blah…but if you genuinely despise gays, you’d want them to be able to get married. You heard me right—if you are anti-gay, you should be supporting same-sex marriage.
Why? Well, don’t you want gays to be as miserable and unhappy as possible? What better way to ensure that then to let them get married. Read more...
Dear Proprietors of New Pho establishments,
I love Pho, the venerable and delicious Vietnamese beef noodle soup. Since it’s getting a little nippy here in SoCal, a piping hot bowl of Pho Xe Lua, or all the fixings, surely hits the spot for me. It’s cheap, filling and everyone seems to love it; so much so, that pho restaurants are springing up everywhere like a water drenched gremlin.
Now this is all fine and good, but more pho restaurants does not equal good quality pho. Not only is this diminishing the greatness of my culture’s signature cuisine, simply because many of these new restaurants aren’t even owned and operated by actual Vietnamese folk, but the idiotic names of these poseur establishments are just ridiculous. Ah-ha, it was cute in the beginning to have a “play on words” with “pho” but now it just kills me. Here are some very sad examples: Read more...
I don’t work for NBC. So I get to say whatever I want to say.
If this is a publicity stunt (and I don’t put it past you that you wouldn’t do that to us- the American Public), it sucks balls.
Are you seriously getting rid of CONAN O’BRIEN????? Are you INSANE? You want to keep LENO and shove off the Great Conan-do? What drug are you guys on? Sure, Conan’s humor has been branded as hyper and frenetic, but as a thirty-something, that’s what I grew up on. It’s all about taking chances and looking the fool and yet accepting yourself. WOW. What a positive approach to life. We should teach it to our children! I LOVE it. Read more...
Dear Lindsay:
According to your New Year’s resolution tweets, I know your goal in 2010 is to move “forward, not backwards. Leaving the bad (people, habbits [sic], and negative energy behind) time to make changes-right!?!?” I’m not sure if your little “accident” this past weekend was a step in the right direction (though it looks like you will be cleared of any major wrong-doing), but I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt because I want to wish the best for everyone. So when I heard you were teaming with the BBC to produce a documentary on the problem of human trafficking in India and had traveled to that country last month, again, I hoped for the best.
As you probably already know, yesterday was Human Trafficking Awareness Day and the BBC released a short teaser for your documentary (which everyone can see after the jump) and all I can say is WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, GIRL?!! Read more...
Dear Mr. Favreau:
I recently saw the trailer for the upcoming Iron Man 2 and I have to say that it looks very impressive. I wasn’t really a big comic book fan growing up and didn’t know too much about Iron Man, but you did a great job directing the first film and I’m looking forward to what you have in store for the sequel.
But there is one thing I was disappointed you didn’t include in the first movie and from what I’ve heard from the grapevine, you have no plans to include this in the second one either. If this is indeed the case, I am writing to ask you to reconsider. Most people know that the Iron Man suit has a lot of cool powers, but there’s a special gadget the suit possesses that begs to be included in the sequel. And what is this you may be asking? Two words: roller skates. Read more...
Illustration by Peter W.
To My Beautiful Asian Sistas Who Are Dating White Guys:
No need to worry or get upset. This letter isn’t going to be what you think it might be considering it’s coming from an Asian American male perspective and this is a touchy subject. Let me start off by saying I have no issue with you dating white men. In fact, if you’ve kept up with my posts you’ll know that I have no problems with white dudes who have yellow fever either because, let’s face it—Asian chicks are the hottest women on the planet! Read more...
Dear TV Writer:
My fellow Offender Roger recently wrote about how almost every television series has their “Chinatown” episode. Roger may have called you to task for doing this, but hey, I’ve written for TV before, and I know how difficult it is. You have to put out a new episode week after week and it’s hard work and sometimes you have to rely on familiar stand-bys to get you through a grueling schedule. Familiar stand-bys such as the “flashback” episode (mostly comprised of clips from past shows allowing you to take a little bit of a break), the “very special” episode (where the lead character has a bout with alcoholism, spousal abuse, ghost whispering or some other “hard-hitting” social issue) and the “Chinatown” episode. Believe me, I sympathize. In fact, let me do more than that. Let me make your job easier. If you’re about to write your “Chinatown” episode, make sure to include the following and you can’t go wrong. Read more...
To My Fellow Red-Blooded Heterosexual Men:
If someone were to ask you what your ultimate sexual fantasy was, I’m sure most of you would reply that it would be making sweet love to two hot women at the same time. Most surveys and scientific studies on this subject have borne this out. And why not? To be with two beautiful women at the same time is the American Dream. Didn’t our forefathers immigrate to this great nation so we could have opportunities like this? Read more...
An open letter to my fellow drivers:
I remember an adage an old classmate used to say to me. She would mime the motion of opening a can with a can opener. As she did this, she would say, “Instant asshole. Just add car.”
It’s true. Wanna teach your grandmother how to use the bird? Get her behind the wheel.
I thought about this as I was making my way back and forth on the 80 freeway. Friday: Sacramento. Saturday: San Francisco. Saturday night: Grass Valley. Sunday morning: Lake Tahoe. Monday night: San Francisco. All in all, about 700-800 miles in 3 days. Read more...
Dear Children of America:
Welcome back to a new year of school. I hope this year is filled with promise and opportunities and all the other positive things you should be getting from our educational system. Now, if you’re a minor and you’re reading this blog with its “adult content,” I’m assuming you’re doing so without your parents’ knowledge. If so, thank you for being a true rebel and supporting us. It gives me hope for the future knowing you have us secretly bookmarked alongside Oriental Butt Whores.com and The Anarchist’s Cookbook. Read more...
Dear White People:
I know some of you tend to be overtly sensitive so I want to say up-front that I have nothing against white people. In fact, I love white people! Some of my best friends are white. Oh, and I love white people food. Why, just the other day I had some vanilla ice cream and crepes. And don’t get me started on your women. Who’d want to be with a quiet, subservient Asian woman when you can be with someone bitchy and loud? Sign me up! Read more...
Dear PETA:
Is it OK for me to call you PETA? People For The Ethical Treatment of Animals sounds so formal, I hope you don’t mind. I read today that you’ve recently re-launched your McCruelty campaign against McDonald’s and have been distributing your Chicken McCruelty Unhappy Meals to customers outside their restaurants in protest of how their chickens are unfairly treated.
I hear there are parents who are upset you’re passing out your Unhappy Meals to their children. Stephanie Gibson, one of these outraged parents in Albany, New York, told the media: “I don’t want my son to be around something like this. This is not fair for a child.” Read more...
Dear Megan:
I’m sure you don’t remember, but we met a few years ago before you were the mega-famous “It” girl of the moment. You probably also don’t remember me telling you at the time that you’d be a big star one day and I was clearly right, but whatever. I do want to belatedly thank you though for not filing charges after the unfortunate “incident.” That’s the last time I’m mixing absinthe and Peruvian Psilocybin mushrooms—I definitely learned my lesson.
But I’m taking this time to write to you because of something disturbing I just learned—today is “a Megan Fox media blackout day.” Because they have no life nothing better to do, more than a dozen guy-centric websites like AskMen.com and TheBachelorGuy.com have collectively vowed not to mention you at all on August 4 because, get this—they think you’re overexposed. Read more...
Dear Mr. Yoo:
Once again you find yourself in the middle of a political firestorm. This past Friday, a report released jointly by the inspectors general of the Justice Department, Pentagon, CIA, Directorate of National Intelligence and National Security Council concluded that the Bush administration’s post-9/11 surveillance efforts went way beyond the warrantless wiretapping we already knew about to include additional “unprecedented” spying powers.
Describing the situation as “extraordinary and inappropriate,” the report said that the White House relied on one man, a single low-level Justice Department attorney, for counsel on its surveillance program’s legality. And that man would be you, Yoo. Read more...
