Dear Irwindale residents:
So last week, a judge ordered the partial shutdown of Sriracha manufacturer Huy Fong Foods’ plant located within your city borders. For those who may not know, your community is a quaint suburb located east of Los Angeles in the San Gabriel Valley.
The order came down as a result of some of you complaining about the odors the plant is allegedly emitting. You have claimed that it is a “spicy, painful” smell that has led to respiratory problems, nosebleeds and other problems. This despite the fact that inspectors with the South Coast Air Quality Management District have investigated and found the plant does not meet the threshold to be considered a public nuisance or that the plant’s previous location in the neighboring (and more densely populated) city of Rosemead never presented similar complaints according to Rosemead City Councilman Steven Ly.
Now, I grew up in the San Gabriel Valley so I’m very familiar with your fair city. For example, on many occasions as a youth, I would bike to your Santa Fe Recreational Dam to enjoy the sort of innocent fun that a young lad would experience at a dam built for recreation. So when I offer the following bit of advice, understand that it’s coming from someone who knows and understands your city. Read more...
Paul Walker and his Fast and Furious family.
“Heaven must be full of angels. So many have departed this year.”
Someone wrote that on his Facebook wall about a month ago.
Death is a strange bedfellow, we americans are more insulated from it than say, an Afgan or a Chad or Niger citizen, but there the grim reaper sits… ready.
I didn’t know Paul Walker the actor myself, but a lot of the YOMYOMF crew did. They’ve either acted with him or have directed him or have had a late night dinner with him. And although Justin and I haven’t talked much in the last few years (he’s always off filming that Fast and Furious thing), I know his feelings run deep for those people in whom he places his trust. Read more...
Dear Love-Sick Depressed Dude Considering Chopping Off Your Penis:
I just read about 26-year-old Yang Hu from Jiaxing, China, who was so depressed by his lack of a love life that he chopped off his own penis. Realizing his mistake, he rode his bicycle to the hospital to get his penis reattached only to find that he had forgotten to bring along his penis and therefore had to ride back home, retrieve the penis and return to the hospital. By that point, it was too late and doctors were unable to reattach the penis.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this story is tragic on a number of levels, but in case you’re too depressed about your love life to think clearly, all you need to do is remember this—if you think your love life sucks now, I guarantee it will be much worse if you don’t have a penis. Read more...
Dear White People:
Since I’m not one to beat around the bush, let me get straight to the question at hand—what’s up with your love for the Madama Butterfly story?
In recent weeks, we’ve been experiencing what sounds like the beginnings of a Butterfly renaissance. There was the announcement that Brett Ratner (of Rush Hour fame) will be producing a modern version of the story entitled Magnitude 9 set against the backdrop of the 2011 earthquake/tsunami in Japan. The upcoming 25th Anniversary London revival of the musical Miss Saigon (based on the Madama Butterfly story) is breaking box office records and a revival currently running at the Ordway Center for Performing Arts in St. Paul is drawing the ire of Asian American activists.
For those reading this who may not be aware of the Madama Butterfly narrative, here’s a quick rundown: the most famous iteration of the story is Puccini’s 1904 opera of the same name which is about an American naval officer in Japan who marries a Japanese woman and gets her pregnant before bailing for America; leaving the woman (his “Butterfly”) pining for his return. When he does return, it’s with his new American wife. The heart-broken Butterfly agrees to give up her son for the American couple to raise and commits hara-kiri with a knife. Read more...
I totally understand that we are often driven by our
horniness biological need to do things for women who put out we are attracted to that we normally wouldn’t do in order to get laid make a positive impression on these women, but if your girl asks you to help kidnap, torture and kill her ex-boyfriend, there is only one thing you should do—get the fuck out of there and go to the police!
Now, that may sound like the obvious thing to do in such a situation, but when we’re
thinking with our little head not thinking clearly, it’s easy to make the wrong decision.
Take the recent case of 22-year-old UC Riverside student Barbara Wu. Not only did she solicit her current boyfriend’s help to kidnap her ex-boyfriend, torture him with “needles” and then kill and dump his body in Mexico—but this is the second time she’s done this. Yup, there was another ex-boyfriend that she asked to do the very same thing. Read more...
Dear fellow Koreans:
I get it—we’re a very proud and nationalistic people. When one of our own makes an impact outside of the motherland, it’s a cause for celebration—think Psy and the unprecedented global success of “Gangnam Style”—but let’s not go overboard with this.
I’m talking about how in the aftermath of the Asiana plane crash at SFO, South Koreans are feeling a sense of national shame and embarrassment at the fact that it was a South Korean plane that crashed. For example, the president of the airline not only apologized to the people affected by the crash, but to all of South Korea.
And this isn’t the first or only time this has happened. Remember back in 2007 when Korean American student Seung-Hui Cho went on a shooting rampage at Virginia Tech, and prominent Korean and Korean Americans took it upon themselves to publicly apologize to America on behalf of Korean and Korean Americans?
To which I say—what the fuck?! Read more...
Dear aforementioned Asian American brotha:
So I noticed this ad you placed in the Bay Area section of Craigslist soliciting a “date” to accompany you to this year’s Coachella Music Fest:
For those readers who want a clearer look at the ad text, here it is:
I will provide the ticket, hotel, food, drinks, etc – requirements:
1. You like the XX , the Local Natives, and Of Monsters and Men
2. You are skinny, blonde or brunette, and have a kick ass personality and down to earth sense of humor
3. You like / don’t mind going to a music festival with a 6’0″ asian american guy, and no, its not small, and no – I do not have glasses, look like a nerd or have a fob accent (im 25)
4. You have to put out
Send me an e-mail with a photo if interested, i’m 100% serious. It might even be a VIP Pass if you’re lucky
All I can say is—dude, what the shizzat is up with y’all?! Read more...
Dear Zong Fuli:
I’m sure most people think you’ve got it made. After all, you are the daughter of Zong Qinghou a.k.a. the richest man in China (with a fortune worth $10 billion) and being the child of a billionaire, well, let’s just say it’s a nice position to be in. However, it’s apparently not all roses and caviar parties. As you recently told China’s Fuzhou News, you have never had a boyfriend.
As the photo above shows, you’re an attractive woman and by most accounts intelligent as well (oh, and let’s not forget that you’re the daughter of the richest man in China). So what’s the problem? It seems that the men you meet aren’t interested in you, but more in your wealth. That makes sense—being the daughter of the richest man in China, it’s got to be difficult to meet someone who’s not out to get their hands on that vast fortune.
So what’s an otherwise attractive 30-year-old billionaire looking for love supposed to do? Read more...
Maybe the answers are in the clouds.
I don’t know about you, but for about 40-60% of my breathing time, I’m wondering what I’m supposed to be doing with this life. I think it’s a first world problem. If we are middle class and therefore above the poverty level, we might be well-fed, have a room over our heads, and have some kind of access to making money and friends. Basic needs more or less covered. (I’m not talking about the poor so bear with me here. I know they exist.) I think a lot of us americans walk around thinking, “What can I do to make the world a better place?”
Sometimes we don’t know what our purpose is. (I sure as hell don’t know mine.) Read more...
You turn 75 this month and while that may not be a cause for celebration for many, I just want to say—those people don’t know shit about nothing. Otherwise, they’d see you for the wonderful creation you are.
Yes, many look down on you and make fun of you and think of you as an unhealthy “mystery meat”. Someone even named all the unwanted emails we get after you—though if I ever meet the asswipe who did that, I’m gonna kick his Spam-hating ass.
If those people took the time and effort to really get to know you and see how tasty and versatile you are, I have no doubt they would have a different opinion about you.
What other foodstuff can be used to make Spam Musubi: Read more...
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZbMdFUFAro[/youtube]Who knew that C-SPAN can be so entertaining? Witness feisty Illinois Congressman Luis Gutierrez and his presentation against the Arizona “Show Me Your Papers” Law recently upheld by the Supreme Court. His point? That AZ’s government officials and law enforcement must be psychic to figure out who’s the real immigrant here. Who knew that Ted Koppel was a fish and chips eating red coat?