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How to Survive Lunar New Year if You’re an Asian American Criminal

  • January 22, 2012 8:58 pm

Dear Asian American Criminal:

Let me start off by saying that I don’t condone your criminal lifestyle—the murdering, the thieving, the embezzling, the assaulting and all the other illegal, awful things you do. But I know you are loyal readers of this blog because…well, just look at the shit we write about. And as loyal readers, I feel an obligation to return that loyalty to you and I can’t think of a better occasion to do that than on this Lunar New Year holiday. So let me just give you this one piece of valuable advice if you plan on committing your heinous crimes on this day of all days:

Don’t do it in Chinatown!

It doesn’t matter if you commit your crimes in Chinatown on the other 364 days of the year, this is the one day you must avoid it because I guarantee that you will get caught. Why? Because if Hollywood movies and TV shows have taught us anything, it’s that white cops are always busting Asian criminals in Chinatown while the new year’s celebrations are taking place.  Read more...

An Open Letter to Students Forced to Read YOMYOMF in Class

  • November 15, 2011 12:01 am

Dear students:

It has come to my attention that more and more of you are being “forced” to read and study our blog in school–mostly in Asian American studies classes. I’ve known this has been happening for a while, but it hit home for me recently when I met a young, fresh-faced college co-ed who said she had been assigned to read some YOMYOMF blogs in her class. As she said this, there was a look of helplessness in her eyes—as if she were a deer gazing into the glare of the headlights that would spell her doom. And all I can say to the others of you in the same situation:

I feel your pain!

If I were a student and my teacher said we were going to “study” YOMYOMF, I’d be like, “What’cha talkin’ ‘bout, Teach?” You shouldn’t have to “study” or experience YOMYOMF in a classroom setting. YOMYOMF shouldn’t even be allowed anywhere near a classroom. If anything, you should be hanging out with YOMYOMF in the alley behind the off campus liquor store, shooting craps, smoking cigarettes, drinking cheap beer bought with fake IDs and then heading back to your dorm for a three-way with that Japanese exchange student who thinks being violated by an octopus tentacle is standard foreplay.  Read more...

An Open Letter to China on its Crackdown on “Overly Entertaining” TV Programming

  • October 28, 2011 12:01 am

Dear China:

Your government’s State Administration of Radio, Film and Television recently ordered your country’s 34 satellite TV stations to “dramatically” cut back on programs that are “vulgar” or “overly entertaining.” You further said that “Satellite channels are mainly for the broadcast of news propaganda and should expand the proportion of news, economic, cultural, science and education, children’s, and documentary programming.” So no American Idol for you, China.

I know this news is sending chills down the spines of those who were looking forward to more “entertainment”-related programming and still others are accusing you of government censorship. But I’m not here to criticize or critique your mandate. You’ve made your decision and I respect that. No, I’m here to talk to you about an even thornier issue—how are you going to enforce this edict? After all, there’s always the chance that some show that has entertainment value could slip through the cracks and you’ll find yourself with egg on your face.

Luckily, I have the solution for you. If you want to guarantee that your TV programs won’t be entertaining on any level, all you need to do is hire Asian Americans.  Read more...

An Open Letter to SNL on Why John Cho & Kal Penn Should Host

  • October 12, 2011 12:01 am

Dear Saturday Night Live:

I know other Asian Americans have criticized you for your continued lack of Asian representation in front of your cameras, but that’s not what I’m here to do today. It’s true your record in this department has been pretty spotty: though cast members Fred Armisen and Rob Schneider are part Asian, they’ve never been closely identified as “Asian” and you’ve only had two Asian hosts in 37 seasons—Lucy Liu and Jackie Chan—both back in 2000. But I’m cool with putting all of that aside for the moment.

Instead, I humbly offer one small suggestion that, while not the answer to this issue, could be a step in the right direction: Invite John Cho and Kal Penn to co-host the show together. Not only would this help to increase SNL’s diversity, but I think it would be a win-win for everyone involved.

Now, I understand that the lack of Asian hosts has more to do with the realities of the business than any sort of racism. You have to get big ratings to survive, and frankly, there aren’t many Asian performers who have the clout that a Tom Hanks or Ben Stiller has to attract those big audiences. But I think the combined talents of John Chon and Kal Penn will bring in the numbers you’ll need to make it worthwhile.  Read more...

An Open Letter To Would-Be Felons Regarding Distinctive Tattoos

  • July 19, 2011 4:00 am

I’m just gonna come right out and say it: if you’re going attempt to murder someone, don’t get a tattoo commemorating it.

In the town of Antioch, California, in the bay area, a distinctive tattoo led to the arrest last week of 21 year old Antonio Esquivel, who admitted stabbing 19 year old Bridain Harold to death.

It all had something to do with a spat between rival gangs.  You know how that goes: hurtful words are exchanged; people start using their outside voices; egos get bruised; next thing you know, someone’s plunging a knife into your chest.

The key tip that led to Esquivel’s arrest?  A freshly inked tattoo on his chest showing two skulls and the words, “No warning shots.”  Read more...

An Open Letter to Korean American Parents About Naming Their Child

  • July 1, 2011 12:01 am

Dear Korean American parent-to-be:

A couple of weeks ago, I posted the following message on Facebook/Twitter:

Dear Korean soon-to-be parents with the last names of Lee, Kim or Park, do not name your child John or Grace. It’s getting too damn confusing.

And I know I’m not the only one who has this problem. I know many of you reading this have had an experience like the following:

There are multiple John Kims in your address book so you accidentally send the following email to the John Kim who is the pastor of your church instead of the John Kim who is your trusted business partner:

I have disposed of the body. No one will know. :)

Or you get confused by the multiple Grace Lees you know and send the following text to your 55-year-old aunt Grace Lee instead of the super freaky 25-year-old Grace Lee you met at norebang last weekend:

Girl, that thing u can do w/your tongue & the ice cubes is wicked awesome! Can’t wait 2 see what u do 2 me this weekend with the whipped cream, riding crop & midget dressed like Tattoo from Fantasy Island. LOL.  Read more...

An Open Letter to Lobster.

  • June 13, 2011 10:39 am

Lobster, I think it’s best that I start plainly:

I love you.

You are fucking ugly.  But I love you.

Just now, as I gaze upon your visage, I am reminded of the Predator.

He is an ugly fictional creature whereas you are an ugly real creature.  Coincidence!  Read more...

An Open Letter to the Asian American Graduates of the Class of 2011 Aspiring to be Artists

  • June 9, 2011 12:01 am

Dear Asian American graduate about to pursue a career in the arts:

Some of you have already graduated in recent weeks while others of you will do so very shortly, but you all collectively stand on the precipice of the exciting, next phase of your young lives…unemployment and moving back into your parents’ basement. So let me offer some advice as you navigate your way through the “real world” and pursue your dream of being an artist—whether it be a painter, writer, actor, director, musician or whatever it is the Kardashians do.

You may be wondering what makes me qualified to give such advice? Well, frankly, nothing. But I am older than you–not so old that it’d be weird if you’re still in your sexual experimentation phase and wanted to play “Korean traveling salesman knocks on door of bored and randy housewife,” but old enough to know what a traveling salesman actually is—and age experience counts for something.

I realize you’re going out into a world that feels scary and unstable—the economy sucks, the cost of living is higher than it’s ever been and Twilight swept the MTV Movie Awards—but amidst all this uncertainty, there’s one truth that you should always remember. One fact that will get you through any obstacle life puts in your way. One thing that no one can ever take away from you. And that is this…

 Read more...

An Open Letter to Possums Not Wishing to Become Roadkill

  • May 9, 2011 12:01 am

Dear Possums:

Let’s get something straight—I don’t like you and I’m sure you don’t like me and that’s totally cool. As far as I’m concerned, you are one of God’s most disgusting creations—an overgrown rat with a pouch. Except uglier. But what’s not cool is the death wish you seem to have and how you’re making me your complicit partner in this…possum genocide.

Permit me to explain:

The other night, I’m driving home and the last thing on my mind is anything possum-related. In fact, this is my train of thought as I’m making my way blissfully down the street: I’m not too hungry, but it seems a shame to pass by an In-N-Out and not make a quick trip through the drive-in. But then I shouldn’t be such a pig considering it’s late and I’m not even famished. Maybe I’ll just get fries. That’s not too bad, right? Or actually, I’ll also be passing a Carl’s Jr. and fried zucchini sounds good, haven’t had that in awhile. Hey, there’s a big ass billboard for Fast Five, that’s pretty cool. And there’s even a bigger ass billboard for…another Kardashian reality show?! People still watch this shit? And the new marketing tagline is—“who’s your favorite Kardashian sister?” What the hell kind of question is that?! That’s like asking–what’s you favorite STD? How the fuck am I supposed to choose between gonorrhea and syphilis?! Wait, there’s also a KFC coming up. Maybe if I just get a couple of snackers–“

And that’s when I see it. A possum scurrying right in front of my car. I brake but no way I can stop that quickly. THUMP! Bye-bye, Mr. or Mrs. Possum.  Read more...

An Open Letter to Justin Lin

  • April 29, 2011 1:21 pm

Dear Justin,

Let me start off by saying that I was able to attend the N.A. premiere of “Fast Five” last night and it was an awesome, action-packed, all-out crazy, fun ride of a movie and you deserve all the success and kudos you get.

But I think that we need to start sending out a more conscientious message to movie-going kids today.  So here’s my suggestion for “Fast 6”.  How about electric car racing?  After all, we really need to save the environment and stop our dependence on Middle East oil.

 Read more...

An Open Letter to the City of Placentia.

  • April 25, 2011 12:00 am

Names: they’re something we’re born with and, in most cases, we carry them with us – for better or worse – till the day we die.

However, as people, we always have the option to change it somewhere down the line.  (“Max Powers” is always a pretty good choice.)

On the other hand, if you are not a person – if you’re a place or thing – you’re kind of screwed because you have no choice in the matter.

On the plus side, you (probably) don’t have any semblance of what we call a “consciousness” so you’re (probably) not even aware of your unfortunate moniker anyway.

Actually, you wouldn’t be able to read this either so HA!

Unless you’re a robot – in which case, I’m sorry but please find it in your cold mechanical heart to forgive me when the Singularity comes.

Get under control, ADD! Whew, okay – now, one city that consistently makes me contemplate this unfortunate, unknowable conundrum for places and things is Placentia, in sunny ol’ California.


Because, for one, I never read it as “Placentia” the first time I see its name after a long while.  No, sir/ma’am – I always read the damn name as “placenta,” which, I’m told, is something significantly different.  Read more...

An Open Letter to Billy Crudup.

  • March 17, 2011 12:00 am

Mr. Crudup:

I’m a very obsessive person.

Wait.  Let me start over.

I am a huge fan, although I would like to confess that I am not the most familiar with your entire body of work.

Wait.  Let me start over.

I just checked IMDb and it is safe to say you’ve an amazing body of work, of which I am a fan even if I have not seen them all.

Hm.  Yeah, let’s just keep this trainwreck going.  Anyway, I just recently caught Almost Famous and you once again came to the forefront of my attention.

The movie was fantastic, but I must confess that watching it only served to awaken a desire I’d long ago forgotten:

 Read more...

An Open Letter to CBS Regarding the Charlie Sheen Problem

  • March 2, 2011 12:01 am

Dear CBS:

Of course you and everyone reading this knows what’s going on with Charlie “I’m a winner” Sheen so I’m sure I don’t have to fill anyone in on all the batshit crazy details. But it comes down to this…from your perspective, it looks like Sheen’s gone off his rocker, but it’s going to be difficult to completely wash your hands of him because he’s still the star of Two-and-a-Half Men, which is a huge cash cow for your network. So what to do? Luckily, I have the perfect solution not only to your problem, but a similar problem that the international community is also facing.

I’m sure you also know that Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi is continuing merrily along with his own batshit crazy routine. In the midst of protests and calls for him to give up power, Gaddafi remains defiant even saying absolutely WTF shit like how his people “love me, all my people with me, they love me all. They will die to protect me, my people.”

The media has already pointed out the similar ways in which Sheen and Gaddafi are completely bonkers and I think they’re onto something. You could say Gaddafi is sort of the Charlie Sheen of evil dictators—anyone who only hires hot chicks to be his bodyguards, well, that’s gotta make a man like Sheen proud.

 Read more...

An Open Letter to Singer/Songwriter John Mayer.

  • March 1, 2011 12:00 am

Mr. Mayer:

I would like to start by stating for the record that I did once enjoy your music.  I heard “No Such Thing” on the radio one day in high school and as a repressed, straight-laced teen, the lyrics “They love to tell you ‘Stay inside the lines’/But something better’s on the other side” resonated with me more than all the WB shows running that season (even early One Tree Hill!).

For a long time afterwards, I was a very vocal fan.  It would be difficult to find a moment in the car when I wasn’t singing along to something from Room for Squares or Heavier Things.  I was a total romantic and it was that quality in your songs that drew me to them.  When the majority of songs on the radio were about one night stands and nameless women, I heard words about love and heartbreak that clicked for me.

Yes, I even liked “Your Body is a Wonderland.”

 Read more...

An Open Letter to Young, Sex-Hating Japanese Males

  • January 14, 2011 12:01 am

Dear young Japanese male:

According to a recent government survey, 35.1 percent of Japanese males aged 16-19 said they are not interested in or even “averse” to sex. That’s more than double the 17.5 percent of Japanese men who responded in the same way in 2008. That means a whopping one-third of you, in the prime years of your sexual horniness, don’t care about or even hate sex. What the fuck?!

Now, the Japanese government is concerned about this statistic because the national birth rate stands at 1.21 babies per family, which is below the 2.08 babies necessary to maintain a “stable” population. But personally, I don’t care about that. I’m more concerned about the fact that you hate sex.

When I was your age, all I could think about was sex. It was all sex, all the time. Even things that had nothing to do with sex in any way whatsoever would still make me think of sex. Like this:

 Read more...

An Open Letter to the Chinese Government Regarding Nobel Peace Prize Winner Liu Xiaobo

  • December 13, 2010 12:01 am

Dear Chinese government:

I understand you’re in a bit of a public relations dilemma so I’m here to help. In a ceremony last week in Norway, the Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to pro-democracy activist and Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo. But Liu was not in attendance and instead was represented by an empty chair.

Now, I don’t have to tell you why Liu wasn’t there. After all, you were the ones who sent him to prison for 11 years for his efforts to create a more democratic China and co-authoring Charter 08. To you, he’s a dangerous individual and a threat to your way of life. To most of the rest of the world, he is an unfairly jailed political prisoner. But I’m not here to argue about politics. Nope, I’m here specifically to advise you on the p.r. nightmare this latest situation has created for you.

Look at that photo of the empty chair again. That is one powerful image. That image alone has probably done more to tarnish your good name and paint you as a tyrannical bully. A Chinese wins one of the most prestigious awards in the world and you refuse to release him so he can pick up the award, give the traditional acceptance speech and hang with celebrities like Anne Hathaway and ask her what it was like to do the naked love scenes with the Prince of Persia. Even Barry Manilow was at the ceremony this year. How cool would it have been for him to sing “Looks Like We Made It” to Liu?  Read more...

An Open Letter to the Republican Party

  • November 16, 2010 12:01 am

Dear Republican Party:

Two weeks ago today, you kicked major Democratic ass during the midterm elections. If the Democrats were Antonio Margarito, you guys were definitely Manny Pacquiao. You gained a majority in the House of Representatives, made significant strides in the Senate and, according to Fox News’ fair and balanced coverage, you won victories “on a scale not seen since the end of the New Deal.” Now, I went to public schools so I have no idea what the New Deal is, but it sounds pretty damn impressive nonetheless. And you accomplished this despite the defeat of some of your high-profile kooks candidates like Christine the Non-Masturbating Witch.

Clearly, many Americans were tired of a black man holding our highest office business as usual and they sent their message loud and clear.

I’m not a Republican though I’m still on record as saying I’ll take one for the team and totally bang Michelle Malkin and Sarah Palin, but as readers of this blog know, I like to keep an open mind about things. So although I may have been personally dissatisfied with the overall election results, I was willing to give you guys a chance.

Now, I know real and significant change doesn’t happen overnight. Sometimes it takes days. Sometimes even a week and some days. So I waited patiently for the change that you promised would come. I waited patiently for business as usual to become business as unusual and for business as unusual to become business as usual, but it’s been two whole weeks and…nothing.  Read more...

An Open Letter To France Regarding Its Burqa Ban

  • September 15, 2010 12:01 am

Dear France:

Yesterday, your Senate overwhelmingly passed a bill that would ban the public wearing of the burqa or any other Islamic-style veil. If your Constitutional Council rules that this law is valid, it could go into effect in just six months. You’d become the first European country to pass such a ban, but some of your neighbors like Belgium are also considering similar measures so you may once again be a trend-setter like how you were the first to proclaim that Jerry Lewis was a genius which led others to also…well, uh, never mind.

Now, there are some who are accusing you of Islamophobia. You have the largest Muslim population in all of Europe and Islam is your second most popular religion and there are those who fear that this action will increase the already existing anti-Muslim sentiment in your country. But you’ve explained this isn’t about hatred, but rather about preserving your nation’s values and heritage “including its secular foundations and notions of fraternity that is contrary to those who hide their faces.”

So I’ll take you at your word that you have only the best of intentions, but you should still reconsider passing this ban. Not because I think it’s anti-Muslim or anything of the sort, but because this law could set a troubling precedent that could lead you down a slippery path of destruction.  Read more...

An Open Letter To Korean Parents Celebrating Their Child’s First Birthday

  • August 23, 2010 12:01 am

Dear Parent:

If one or both of you are Korean and your child is about to have his or her first birthday, you’re most likely in the midst of planning a big celebration. In the Korean culture, the first birthday is a major occasion. The Dol or Dol Janchi is important because in the olden days, the infant mortality rate was very high for babies and it was considered a milestone to reach one’s first birthday (the first 100 days were also important) and the special day was marked with a big party.

This tradition still continues and one of the things that happens at this celebration is a ritual called the dol jabi. Here’s how it works–a number of items are left in front of the child and whatever he or she grabs is supposed to predict the baby’s future. Traditionally, items such as a book (to represent a scholarly future), string (long life) or money (wealth) are placed in front of the child. So if the birthday baby chooses the money, for example, he or she is supposed to become rich. More modern items can also be used such as a football (to signify a future athlete), a mouse (future computer genius) or even a movie camera (future filmmaker).

Now I’ve been to a number of dol celebrations recently and while this tradition may be my favorite part of the festivities, there’s one problem with it: It lacks serious drama.

Why? Because every item the baby can pick represents something “positive.” So let’s say that he or she chooses long life over money…is that really a bad thing? Nope, what we need to do is introduce a sense of danger to this ritual to make it more interesting by including items no Korean parent would want their kid to ever choose. Along those lines, here are some suggestions for things that you can include to increase your dol jabi drama…

 Read more...

An Open Letter To The Church Planning To Burn The Koran

  • August 4, 2010 12:01 am

Dear Dove World Outreach Centre:

So I read the latest news that your pastor Terry Jones is planning to commemorate 9/11 with an “International Burn a Koran Day” on the grounds of your Florida church and you’re calling on other religious groups to join you by burning their own piles of the Koran a.k.a. the Islamic holy book.

Here’s what he said on the subject: “Islam and Sharia law was responsible for 9/11. We see the effects of Islam on Europe. As it has done nothing, Islam is beginning to take over there. Islam is presenting itself as a religion of peace. We want to stop its spread here.”

Now, you’ve been criticized not only by Muslims and other non-Christians, but also sane Christians who see your actions as misguided, hateful and, frankly, a little cuckoo. But you’re not backing down. And why should you? You’re all about standing up for your baby Jesus-inspired convictions and, besides, you’re pumped and ready to literally turn up the heat with your event. There’s no stopping you now so burn, baby, burn! After all, your Facebook page is up:

 Read more...