Three Asian American doctors announced today that they have invented a drug that will cure yellow fever–not the acute viral disease caused by mosquitoes, but the condition in which non-Asians (usually, but not limited to, white men) sexually fetishize Asians (usually, but not limited to, hot Asian women). The drug will come in the form of a blue pill (blue being the opposite of yellow on the color spectrum). The three doctors—Dr. John Ching, Dr. John Chong and Dr. Jon Chang–made the announcement at a press conference today in their hometown of Rowland Heights, California.

“Yellow fever is a serious condition that affects everyone in our society,” Ching said. “Whether you’re white, black, Asian or miscellaneous/other, there’s a strong likelihood that you or someone you know has been negatively touched by yellow fever.”

The three doctors were so committed to this pursuit that they gave up their research in other fields to focus all their attention on finding a cure for yellow fever. Ching was previously involved in cancer research, Chong in Alzheimer’s research and Chang in HIV/AIDS research. “I was about six months away from finding a cure for AIDS before I left that field,” Chang said. “Some may say I made a mistake, but I knew so many people whose lives have been devastated by yellow fever. I had to do something.”

The doctors have completed their clinical trials and are waiting for approval from the FDA, which they hope to receive before the start of the new year. Chong explained that the drug works as an inhibitor; sending false messages to the brain through the nervous system to neutralize any sexual thoughts involving Asians.

“Let’s say you have an Asian fetish but you also think dog shit is the most disgusting thing in the world,” Chang said. “So what happens is when you see a hot Asian woman, the drug sends a message to your brain so that it’ll actually think you’re looking at a pile of dog shit instead.”

James Smith, 43, a white male from Fairfield, Iowa, took part in the clinical trials. Smith admits that he had such a severe case of yellow fever that it cost him his wife and family who kicked him out of their home last year.

“Yup, I had the yellow fever really bad,” Smith said. “I was on porn sites like www.whorientalgirls.com almost 24 hours a day; neglecting my work and my wife and my kids. I knew I had a problem when I found myself at the bank, trying to get a loan for $5,000 so I could pay a Vietnamese hooker to say ‘me ruv you long time’ into my iPhone to use as my ringtone.”

Smith said he has been completely cured by the new drug and feels no attraction to Asian women whatsoever. I decided to put this to the test by showing Smith a series of provocative photos of our previous Guest Offender and Playboy Playmate Grace Kim:

And future Guest Offender (yup, coming soon) and Battlestar Galactica star Grace Park to gauge his reaction:

Smith seemed calm and unaroused as he studied the pictures.  “It’s like I’m looking at photos of my own sister,” he said.  “A hot, exotic sister I can see myself having sex with, but a sister nonetheless.  Because of the drug, I can control my urges and not give in.”

Ching Chong Chang added that Smith has moved back in with his wife and children and can now lead a normal life again—no more Asian internet porn (“only blondes for me now,” Smith added), Vietnamese hookers or Wesley Snipes movies from the 1990s. And the “me ruv you long time” ringtone on his phone? It’s been replaced by something more normal and appropriate for a middle-aged white man—Barbra Streisand’s “The Way We Were.”

Despite success stories like this, Ching, Chong and Chang have received criticism regarding their motives for creating this drug. One group in particular has been very vocal in their opposition–White American Men Who Love Asian Women and Hate Asian Men or WAMLAWHAM. Members of WAMLAWHAM–who have offices in every major American city with a strong population of Asian women including Los Angeles, San Francisco, New York and Irvine—have mounted a multi-million dollar marketing campaign against the doctors.

“These doctors are just jealous,” said Ted Harrison, President of the Monterey Park chapter of WAMLAWHAM. “When it comes to scoring with Asian chicks, they know they can’t naturally compete with white men so they have to create this artificial drug to even the playing field.”

But Ching, Chong and Chang insist their only motivation is to help people like Smith and that they are not driven by any personal issues. “Seriously, we have no problems getting Asian girls,” Chang Chong Ching said. “We can get Asian girls whenever we want.”

However, when pressed, all three men, who are in their 40s, admitted to still living in their parent’s basements and being single—though they insist it’s by choice. (Editor’s correction: Chang wanted to clarify that he doesn’t live in his parents’ basement, but in their guest cottage. He also said he does have a Chinese girlfriend, but when we asked if we could talk to her, he said it would be impossible as she’s currently vacationing out of the country and is in a location where phone service, internet and even regular mail is not available.)

But before all the Asian American men reading this blog start to rejoice at the news of this drug, hard statistics paint a still bleak picture. Scientific research indicates the new drug may have little to no effect at improving Asian men’s chances of dating Asian women.

A recent survey of Asian American women conducted by Harvard Community College found that 80% of Asian American women would still not date Asian men even if every non-Asian male on the planet suddenly found them unattractive and Asian men were the only option left to them. Compare that with a similar survey conducted last year when 81% of Asian American women said they wouldn’t date an Asian guy if “he were the last man on earth.” And before you try to put a positive spin on this and point out that Asian men have increased their odds by 1% since 2009, note that this survey has a 1% margin of error.

And what would those 80% of Asian American woman do instead of dating Asian men? 90% said they would purchase a white vibrator, 5% would choose celibacy and 5% said they would assume a fetal position and let the cold arms of death enfold them like a blanket.

Still, the three doctors have high hopes for the drug. If the hard work they’ve put in helps move our society away from disgusting scenes this:

Then their work will not have been in vain.

(Thanks to Offender David for his photoshop skills)