What is the price of cool? Well, it’s sweating your nuts off during the summer and freezing your ass off during the winter.
In 2003, I decided to buy a place with really high ceilings. Not 9 foot. Not 10 foot. Not 12 foot. No. I purchased a place with 18 foot ceilings. I can mount a regulation height basketball hoop in my living room and an electronic scoreboard just above it for authentic effect if I so desired. In fact, I may even have room at the way top to place a few championship jerseys and pennants. But I won’t. Why? Cause I don’t know shit about basketball and it would be rather silly to cover my posters and murals of Justin Bieber and the cast of Twilight.
High ceilings and the loft feel are all the rage right now in real estate. Everyone wants fewer walls and divisions and a great room that unites a kitchen, family room, dining room, and living room into one. It’s the kinda stuff you see in Dwell Magazine, HGTV, and industrial, German pornos. It’s the kind of visual surprise that takes your breath away when you walk through the front doors of open houses and orgasmically say, “oh honey, i just love this space. it’s so open, airy, and the ceilings are so high. i want it!” I wanted it. And I got it. But buyer beware, panache has it’s price. (BTW, my place is tiny by total square footage. So the high ceilings were important to make my hamster den feel more spacious.)
High ceilings, though sexy cool, create a serious challenge when it comes to human temperature comfort. Basically, the space gets hotter than hell in the summer and colder than the arctic during the winter (much more so than normal ceiling height rooms). The sheer voluminousness taxes even the most powerful of air conditioners and heaters. So the price of lofty-rad is one hell of a heating and cooling bill. How much? Try a couple of hundred bucks a month if you wanna not sweat and shiver at all and not have your Trader Joe’s wine collection skunk into vinegar in one calendar year. I could go into the physics of it, but I don’t want you to accuse me of being too analytically Asian nor would I want to bore you with my lust and passion for Popular Mechanics Magazine FAQ’s. So you’ll have to trust me on this one. If you ever buy or rent a place with really high ceilings, just know that hip style comes at a price. This whole analysis, of course, is completely irrelevant if you are rich, married to someone rich, have access to ancestral monies, or are a 1,000 year old vampire and had centuries to accumulate wealth. But if you’re a common person such as myself, a couple of hundred bucks a month to make sure you don’t die of heat exposure or hypothermia in your own home is kinda lame and somewhat etardedray (not to mention a burden on the drinking and seduction budget).
So now I am on a hunt. A fan hunt. After all of my research I have discovered the key to solving my “high ceiling = shit temperature” dilemma: a ceiling fan. Being born Asian and possessing the natural proclivity of research and analysis, I have discovered that a regular ceiling fan won’t do crap in a residential property with super high ceilings. The standard ceiling fan functions wonderfully when you live in a pad with 9 foot or 10 foot ceilings. But when you live the “vida-lofty-loca”, not just any fan will do. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the answer to my hours upon hours of research. I give you, THE BIG ASS FAN.
Yes, that’s the name of it literally. It’s basically an industrial fan converted for residential use and sprinkled with a bit of modern design dust. This fan is big. BIG ASS BIG. How big? These ceiling fans range from 8 feet to 24 feet across. Yes, you read that right. The smallest fan is wider than Yao Ming is tall. And the biggest fan? Hell, most of us don’t even live in a place with a room 24 feet wide so this marvel of engineering wouldn’t even fit into our dwellings. But worry not that you’ll be mounting some giant, aluminum guillotine on your ceiling that will hack apart your family of pet toucans and macaws. These fans move very slowly. But because their blades are so long and wide, they are able to move massive amounts of air quietly and smoothly at a low RPM. Word is that your heating and cooling bill will go down 25-30% just by installing this thing. AND, during the hottest months, letting these fans spin solo without the advent of a/c can drop the average room temperature from 5 to 30 degrees. Heck, you may never have to turn on your HVAC system again if you have one of these amazonian fans bolted onto your ceiling. But there’s one problem…
THE BIG ASS FAN ain’t cheap. I figured I’d splurge and buy one of these Big Ass Fans for my man pad. I figure I’d spend $400 ($500 tops). I’d even consider doing the installation myself to save on a few bucks. For me, several hundred dollars for a ceiling fan feels expensive. But since it’s so big and so very cool in design, I figure it could not only save me money via energy efficiency, but could also serve as an art piece and conversation topic for when guests come over. Heck, perhaps my friends would be enticed to come over because they heard I have a Big Ass Fan (which could also be me).
So how much does this technological, green marvel that will save me from suffering at the temperature extremities cost? Well, the company is very tight-lipped about the pricing. I left them a message 30 minutes ago but they have yet to call me back. Hopefully when they do, it’ll be some sexy-voiced, mid-western girl who’ll flirt with me thinking I am some rich, horny sophisticate from the big city. We’ll see. Fingers crossed. But back to cost…from my dedicated Googling and Binging I see a range of about $2,000 – $4,000. FML. Yes, that acronym does mean “Fuck My Life”. And I think the bigger ones are even more expensive. That is some serious coin for a fan. Yes, it’s cool and rad and big ass big, but several thousand dollars? C’mon Dog! This ain’t no fan for the common man. This is a luxury item. This classifies as the Bentley of fans. I have never spent that kind of money on anything. Well, except for my car, my house, and my mistress who lives in the Guangdong province. I’m just not used to dropping that kind of coin. I wear a $30 watch and the same pair of jeans daily until they fall apart. I am a bargain shopper and quite thrifty with my money (a natural skill when born Asian). I drive a Honda Accord and I dine regularly at Subway (if there is indoor seating. if not, i eat on the curb). To say the least, I have a dilemma. It’s like finding out the hour before you propose to the girl of your dreams that she has $1,000,000 in student loans and credit card debt yet she wants to teach hydroponics at the local community college. Again, panache has it’s price.
So will I buy this BIG ASS FAN? We’ll see. I will wait till customer service calls me back and keys me in on the details. Maybe there’s some sort of sale or last year inventory blow out going on right now. Or perhaps that mid-western, customer service agent has a horny penchant for the asian man and I can trade a few hours of my body for this work of ceiling art. Who knows. But I love this BIG ASS FAN. I want one. I want one really, really bad. Perhaps I may be forced to steal one. But then again, it is BIG ASS. And stealing a BIG ASS FAN may end up being a BIG PAIN IN THE ASS. We’ll see…
here’s a video if you want to see a BIG ASS FAN in action.