Chinese News confuses rubber vagina/anus for special mushroom

The title says it all.

As someone fluent in Mandarin Chinese, I can say, without question, nothing was lost in translation.

This truly is a proud day for the Middle Kingdom…and the other “middle kingdoms.”

via EDM - thank you for this unintentional, intellectual perversion

DADDY FAN – HALL PASS – Part 1

1,350 days.  Give or take a few.  That’s how long I’ve been a parent and a father.

12 hours.  That’s how long I have been on “dad-cation”.  I’m sitting in seat 1A, on Cathay Pacific flight 881 to Hong Kong en route to Bangkok.  Solo.

Seat 1A?  Isn’t that first class?  Yes, I am sitting in international first class – a pod-like, hi-tech, mini-house bigger than some people’s homes.  It’s insane.  The ticket from Los Angeles to Hong Kong to Bangkok costs at least $10,000+.  And no, I did not pay cash.  I paid with my body.  I traded in some frequent flier miles for it.  LOTS of frequent flier miles.  67,500 to be exact.  And that was for a one way ticket.

DADDY FAN – X Rated Family (car) Fun

Well, I finally did it.  I got myself a sports car.  After several decades of pining, lusting, and suffering, I finally mustered up the mojo to satisfy my man itch.

Sort of.

OK, I actually didn’t get a sports car.  I put a deposit on one.

I want this. The CAR, not the photoshopped waif.

And come to think of it, the thing’s not even really a sports car either.  It’s more of an SUV meets minivan meets something fast (and furious 6).

What the heck is wrong with me?  After spending my entire post-puberty life torturing my soul with the mantra, “one day I will get myself a sports car…one day…”, when I finally decide to pull the trigger, I don’t even opt for a sports car.  It’s like going to a strip club for your first time and getting a lap dance from the janitor.

Escolar: the Pablo Escobar of fish

Ever have Butterfish?

Well, if you’re a sushi connoisseur, you most likely have.  It’s a firm whitefish that is succulent and incredibly rich in flavor.  To eat one, properly sushi-prepared, is a guaranteed, oral orgasm.  Well, at least it was for me the first time I had it – lightly seared with a dollop of apricot puree on top.  You never forget your first time.  I had three servings in less than 30 minutes.  And I joyfully swallowed each and every creamy bite.  Yum…

eat me

Never heard of Butterfish?  Perhaps you may know it by it’s other aliases like “white tuna” or “super-white tuna” or “walu” or…Escolar.

Shooting out Escolar is far more ferocious than being shot by Escobar

Escolar?  Yes, Escolar.  That’s the fish’s real name before it went to culinary finishing school.  Sounds kind of like Pablo Escobar, no?  And just like the Columbian drug lord, we too should fear and respect this snake mackerel fish.  For if you underestimate Escolar or Escobar, the final result is always predictably the same – bad shit happens.

DADDY FAN – Baby Barfing Blues

I dropped the F-Bomb at least 50 times in fifteen seconds.  At full volume.  Right in the middle of Beverly Hills and right in the middle of the Beverly Hills sign.

Actually, I was slightly behind the Beverly Hills sign, parked, with all the doors of my minivan wide open and whacking my ride to the rhythm of my global, F-Bomb assault with, of all things, a baby towel – a baby towel covered in puke.

I was less than a quarter mile from an important TV audition when my 15 month old unloaded the entire contents of her stomach onto herself and the car seat that she was strapped into.  This was not a cute, little baby spit-up, by the way.  This vomit was on the order of The Exorcist.  The only thing that didn’t come out were her internal organs.

DADDY FAN – a Parental Kobayashi Maru

Daddy’s log, zero three, zero one, two zero one two.

My 15 month old sleeps.  In the bathroom.  It’s the only place I can stick her that enables me to proceed with daily, adult activities without having to tip toe around everywhere.  1,144 square feet of living space makes you do strange things like this.  To my credit, I did leave the toilet seat down to minimize foul odor and to prevent the baby from accidentally taking a refreshing drink from the potty.  All so strange, I know.  But for some reason, the baby seems to sleep best next to a toilet during the daytime hours.  Don’t ask me why.

It has been two weeks since my babysitter left us to tend to her mother’s untimely death in the Far East.  She phoned us 2 nights ago.  The news was tragic – she would not be returning as our babysitter.  She had found a new job closer to her home in the Americas.  Turned out she lied about her mother’s passing so that she could test drive another job opportunity.  She really had me with this whole “mother’s death” thing.  Silly me for believing her…

So here I am, staring at my daughter.  In the bathroom.  Sleeping.  Next to the toilet.

Crap.

Double crap.

I need to take a crap.

Silence de Nice – a Frenchman’s connection

Jean Dujardin.  He just won best actor at the 2012 Academy Awards.

But before he was The Artist, he was Brice de Nice.

Before he was this…

Jean Dujardin was this…

I’m not sure Jean Dujardin knew he was on the path to an Academy Award when he was making this music video (posted below).  Which makes this music video all the more amazing to watch.  Sasha Baron Cohen, you’re next!

via GeneR (thank you)

Around The Horn – Unfulfilled OBSESSIONS

Do you have an unfulfilled obsession?

I’m curious because usually if you have an obsession (ie. passion, strong interest, mania, addiction, infatuation, fetish, etc.), you’re usually doing it, living it, and/or being it 110%, 24/7.

I’m not sure if it’s rare or common, but I’m curious how many of you have an unfulfilled obsession – something that you just love terribly and think about all the time but have not allowed yourself to fully experience or express.

So what’s your unfulfilled obsession (if you even have one)?  I’m not talking fantasy, btw.  I’m talking about something real and of this earth.  Something that you absolutely love, but for some reason, have intentionally or unintentionally postponed.

I’ll tell you mine – sports cars.

me likes long time

Ch in k Th in k

OK, given the recent JLin/ESPN firestorm and the clinically insane tweets of Jenny Hyun, perhaps a bit of levity and humor is in order.

Normally I’d find something like this beyond offensive.  And it is.  Perhaps why I’m not up in arms is because FINALLY we have a bad-ass, kick-ass, Asian American male throwing down in the NBA in which to place opposite what was once the dominant stereotype of Asian American dudes.  End result?  Clash of past ideals with a F’in cool image of the asian american male of our future (which has always been present but benched by the media).

my mind works like this too. when I'm changing diapers, that is...

Thank you Chinese guy and Indian guy of Studio64Comedy for making this and Offending with such panache.  Hope neither of you gets ESPN’d.

The Jeremy Lin Effect Affects…

(link via Leonard Wu.  Thanks)

DADDY FAN – how to Love a Love Hypocrite

I don’t have a babysitter right now.  Her mother unexpectedly past so she left for Asia on Friday for a month or two (or three).  I don’t have a geographically-convenient, sexy, Korean wife right now either.  She just departed on a business trip for a week.

So without a sexy, Korean wife/mom and babysitter to help share in the daily, care schedule of my 2 baby girls, I find myself a bit short-handed at this very moment.  Where is Jeremy Lin when you need him?  C’mon #17, I needs yo help!

it's peaceful and serene. until the baby wakes...

Being home, alone with 2 baby girls is not easy (at least not for me).  It’s not a child to parent ratio that I prefer.  It’s exhausting at best and a very lonely space to be in.  This happens to me from time to time – my parental support system going down unexpectedly.  The work/social/daddy world that I so delicately constructed instantly explodes and I have to become 110% Daddy Fan 24/7 until reinforcements arrive.  My personal and professional life must be lived, at best, in between naps.

DADDY FAN – homeless & (pro)Creative

To buy a home or not to buy a home?  That is the question.

Actually, it’s no longer a question – I need to buy a home.  Now.  Yesterday.  Last year.

I bought my first place in 2003.  A simple 1,144 sf, 2bed/2bath condo in West LA/Santa Monica.  It was a great value in a safe, urban, walk-to-everything location.  I was single back then, so 1,144 square feet was more than enough room to accommodate my bachelor life.  But today, I am no longer Fan Solo, but Fan Daddy-O, equipped with a wife and 2 fun baby girls.  What was once a spacious and relaxing urban retreat is now a converted playground that just happens to have a kitchen, bathroom, and sleeping facilities.  It’s time to move.  Now.  Yesterday.  Into something bigger (than my current Chinese-Korean, estrogen-heavy, Toy’s-R-Us sardine can that I call home).

Our new home will not be this big. Perhaps 3/50th of 50's 50,000 sf...

So what do we need?  Well…a house with more space, a backyard, in a safer neighborhood, and within a good public school district (kindergarten through high school).  That’s what what we need.

But what do we want?  Well, that’s a different story.  We want a 3,800+ sf, green home of tomorrow, a large, low-maintenance backyard with a small pool, in an exceptionally safe neighborhood, within close walking distance of grocery stores, banks, parks, etc., a close/convenient commute to work, and all within a GREAT public school district.  That’s what we want.  A tall order, I know…

DADDY FAN – when a cute girl steals your bed

My body aches.  All the time.  My neck, my back, my rump – all sore and creeky 24/7, even after many, vigorous massage sessions via the bony hands of a cute Korean girl (my wife).

For over 3 years it’s been like this (which, ironically, is in parallel to my current tour of duty as a dad) .  I rarely feel fresh, virile, or verdant anymore.  For the span of over 1,000 days my bones have felt like glass and my muscles of frozen meat.  In a nutshell, I hurt.

Why?

Am I unknowingly a zombie with limited decay and good teeth?  Probably not.  I still want to kiss my wife, not eat her.

or

Am I just working out too hard at the gym in order to maintain a perfect, Hollywood physique?  Absolutely not.  I have not worked out a day in the gym in over 3 years.  And as such, I am well on my way of disproving the myth that Asian guys don’t have butts.  This baby’s got some back.  Come touch my creation if you wish.  All of it.