when a cute girl steals your bed

  • January 31, 2012 12:09 pm

My body aches.  All the time.  My neck, my back, my rump – all sore and creeky 24/7, even after many, vigorous massage sessions via the bony hands of a cute Korean girl (my wife).

For over 3 years it’s been like this (which, ironically, is in parallel to my current tour of duty as a dad) .  I rarely feel fresh, virile, or verdant anymore.  For the span of over 1,000 days my bones have felt like glass and my muscles of frozen meat.  In a nutshell, I hurt.

Why?

Am I unknowingly a zombie with limited decay and good teeth?  Probably not.  I still want to kiss my wife, not eat her.

or

Am I just working out too hard at the gym in order to maintain a perfect, Hollywood physique?  Absolutely not.  I have not worked out a day in the gym in over 3 years.  And as such, I am well on my way of disproving the myth that Asian guys don’t have butts.  This baby’s got some back.  Come touch my creation if you wish.  All of it.  Read more...

5 Comments on when a cute girl steals your bed

YOMYOMF After Dark (and breast feeding)

  • November 15, 2011 11:40 am

As a new-ish dad (not a Jewish dad), I don’t get out much socially – day or night, weekday or weekend.  In the year 2011, I have only been out about 9 times after dark sans the company of my hot-korean-wife-lover-mama and babies.  Such a rare occurrence it is, that being licked by the warm tongue of the unicorn happens with greater frequency.  I love baby unicorns.

Jameson Whiskey always tastes better with a dash of Sung's chin...

But 15 hours ago, the unicorn tongue was bested – I got to go out…solo.  I got to go out to a YOMYOMF meeting.  #10, 2011, solo Daddy-Fan outing confirmed.  Here’s the play by play…

Monday Night – November 14th, 2011.  Into the heat of a cool, Los Angeles night…

8:30 pm – Leave home after putting down my 1 year old.  My nipples are sore from breast feeding (as usual).  Read more...

5 Comments on YOMYOMF After Dark (and breast feeding)

Makin’ Bacon by Fakin’ (tv commercial style)

  • November 14, 2011 2:13 pm

I’ve done a good number of TV commercials.  It’s how I’ve made the majority of my living as an actor.  It’s how many actors make their living as they continue to hunt for their place on a TV series or name status in Hollywood, studio movies.

"You talking to me? Or just needing a mortgage from Quicken Loans?"

It’s not the glamorous path.  And in some instances, it’s something that both actor and their representatives struggle to downplay or even hide in order to create and maintain the seductive and elusive image of a Hollywood star.  Cause you know…Hollywood stars-in-the-making don’t do TV commercials.  They’ll entertain spokesperson contracts but they don’t do TV commercials (let alone audition for them).

But I do TV commercials.  And I audition for them.  I’ve done quite a few.  At last count, I think I’m close to 100.  Definitely over 70 and somewhere headed towards 100.  So over 16 years, I’ve averaged about 6 TV commercials per year.  For some, that number may seem pathetically low.  For others, impossibly high.  For me, I’m not sure what to make of it.  All I know is that without TV commercials, I wouldn’t have had the ability to afford my acting career.

OK, so what commercials have I done?  What have you seen me in that you didn’t know I was in?  Well, I don’t have a formal list anywhere.  So here’s a sampling off the top of my head.  Here goes…

Mercedes Benz, Campbell Soup, Westin Hotels, Bank of China, Nissan Cup Noodle, Hyundai, Orkin Pest Control, Verizon, Chase Financial, McDonald’s, UPS, Ace Hardware, Zales, Barclay’s Financial, Palm Pilot, Jiffy Lube, Pizza Hut, Sprint, Toyota, Philips Electronics, Quicken Loans, K-Mart, Hallmark, Koo Koo Roo, Sears, Albertson’s, MCI, Nationwide Insurance, Wal-Mart, California Board of Tourism, Assurant Health, Northern Bathroom Tissue, Hertz, etc…  Read more...

13 Comments on Makin' Bacon by Fakin' (tv commercial style)

Hollywood, family – Part 2

  • November 4, 2011 7:28 am

“You’re the girl in the relationship, Rog.”

What?  Did I hear that right?  Did a girl friend of mine just emasculate me with a quick flick of her tongue?

I just stood there for about 6 seconds, face frozen with a half-smile, trying to figure out if what she had just said was a kick in the balls or a verbal embrace of understanding.

some days, I look like this. just less Ryan Gosling-ish...

It was the later.  F-me, she was right.  I am the girl in the relationship.  Which means my Sexy-Korean-Wife-Lover-Mama is the man.  Me?  Girl.  Wife?  Man.  How the heck did I lose my manhood so unexpectedly?  It was like the tooth fairy visited me in my sleep, but instead of taking my tooth, she spirited away my penis.  And she didn’t even leave a nickle – just a hole in my spiritual crotch.  It sucks…yet I have nothing to suck.  Read more...

12 Comments on Hollywood, family - Part 2

Glass Harmonica – spooky…

  • October 28, 2011 11:16 am

With Halloween only just a few days away, spooky is yet again, here to play.

I have never seen nor heard a glass harmonica before.  But when I did, a sense of spooky-cool made me shivers galore.

So may all of you enjoy this annual time of boo.  And if a succubus pays a visit, you’re guaranteed no balls of blue.

Muuuuuuuaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Comment on Glass Harmonica - spooky...

for she makes me weep, oh PS3…

  • October 5, 2011 1:17 pm

I never knew that a video game could make you cry.  Until I neared the end of Bioshock.

Now a video game trailer has made me weep.  May it touch you in that soft and tender place too.

Oh how I love my PS3.  Oh how I love her so…

via CC & Deutsch

 

Comment on for she makes me weep, oh PS3...

smiling from hear to ear

  • October 3, 2011 5:00 am

When you’re born with only 4 senses, getting your 5th must truly be a rush.

Here’s a bit of feel-good inspiration to start off your week.  Love what you got, work towards what you need, and don’t let your wants haunt.  : )

A 29 year old hearing for the first time.  via EDM

A deaf baby hearing sound for his first time.

1 Comment on smiling from hear to ear

to be or not to be Cliche

  • September 19, 2011 2:03 pm

 

Recently, filmmaker Jeff Smith edited a viral video called, ” ‘You Just Don’t Get It, Do You?’ – A montage of Cinema’s Worst Writing Cliche” for an article in FilmDrunk.

Apparently I made the cut.  It’s at about 00:25  (basically second 25ish)

To cliche is glorious…

via MK

 

 

1 Comment on to be or not to be Cliche

Nose Porn

  • September 15, 2011 9:42 am

Breathe Right Nasal Strips just didn't open me up enough...

There is porn, there is food porn, and now, there is nose porn.  Who knew such excitement could come from the nose.

via EDM

6 Comments on Nose Porn

An Ode to Restasis (girl)

  • August 9, 2011 9:56 am

I don’t have chronic dry eyes, but I wish I did. I am in good health, yet I wish eye was not. For if I had a medical need for RESTASIS® Ophthalmic Emulsion to help increase my eyes’ natural ability to produce tears, I would have a legitimate, medical reason to make an appointment to visit the hottest, non-celebrity, civilian on TV commercials today – The Restasis Girl (aka Dr. Alison Tendler).

Unfortunately for me, my eyeballs work just fine.  In fact, they’re incredibly functional and have no problem ejaculating buckets of tears at the slightest hint of emotion.  Remember, I am an actor so I possess the ability to cry on command.  And when I’m not crying, my eyes lube effortlessly.  Uckfay.  I am not a candidate for Restasis.  Far from.  But the mere thought of possibly having The Restasis Girl (aka Dr. Alison Tendler) cup my cheeks as she stares deep into my eyes is reason enough for me to throw 6 pounds of dry sand into my baby browns or sit in front of a fan with my eyelids taped wide open for a month.  Perhaps not drinking any liquids for a week could give me chronic dry eyes.  Yes, massive dehydration would work with medical certainty.  But then again, I would probably die of thirst and would most likely not be at my sexiest as a dehydrated corpse in Dr. Tendler’s office (and arms).

if all doctors looked like this, i would try and get sick as much as possible  Read more...

9 Comments on An Ode to Restasis (girl)

Thai’s out drama Korean dramas – Part 2

  • August 1, 2011 10:55 am

It’s 10 AM, Monday morning and I’m crying. Actually, I’ve been weeping for 25 minutes. Why? It’s those darn Thai Life Insurance commercials. They’re like Korean dramas but much more concentrated and packaged in 2-3 minute bursts. Sort of like sex without the foreplay, kissing, and touching. And surprisingly, you don’t even miss the foreplay, kissing, and touching. Just a pure, cathartic release, quickly followed by an incredibly rewarding afterglow of rejuvenated perspective and thankfulness for all the simple things you have in your life. How these South East Asian, emotional alchemists are able to so effectively skewer and wrench a human’s most pure and innocent center is marvelous. No longer does one have to sit through half-hour episodes of Korean dramas and ramen commercials to jerk off a few tears and be reminded that there are many incredibly pretty Asian people out there with much shittier and more fucked-up lives than yours.

So if you’re having a turd of a day, just watch a few Thai Life Insurance commercials. You’ll feel much more hopeful almost immediately (though you might have to reapply your makeup due to excessive tear duct ejaculations) and you can then go about your day truly appreciating the reality of your reality.

Here’s another four Thai Life Insurance commercials that’ll judo you right square in your emotional nuts. Tears will fall, guaranteed. (video links via EDM)

“Que Sera Sera”
 Read more...

3 Comments on Thai’s out drama Korean dramas - Part 2

Thai’s out drama Korean dramas

  • July 28, 2011 12:34 pm

Thai got your heartstrings now. KDrama no more!

Finally, a nation has “out drama’d” Korean dramas.  Credit the Thai’s for this magnanimous feat.  Though the themes are similar (every possible human tragedy possible being experienced simultaneously), the Thai’s manage to do it in 3 minutes AND with an insurance commercial.  Prepare to cry.  Hide the women and children…

(Thanks EDM for the original posting of this)

OK, if that didn’t F-up your tear ducts enough, here’s another one for good measure. It’s a Pantene commercial. And this time, it’s about a deaf/mute, Thai girl who wishes to learn the violin. Drink lots of water cause this one could fatally dehydrate you through bawling excess. Let it out, let it all out…

 Read more...

11 Comments on Thai's out drama Korean dramas

balancing barn

  • July 19, 2011 11:56 am

This home is rad.

a house perilously perched

If you’re wondering if your eyes are playing tricks on you, they’re not. More than half of this house is suspended off a hill, directly above…nothing. Hence it’s name, Balancing Barn. Now I have never had a strong urge to fly 5,500 miles from Los Angeles to London and take a bus another 108 miles northeast to the Suffolk Heritage Coast, but the thought of spending a few nights in this gleaming barn of silver, half-perched off a romantic, English country hillside, is just too much to resist.  Read more...

4 Comments on balancing barn

organically charming

  • July 8, 2011 10:55 am

Throwing known, Hollywood actors into home-made YouTube videos is a tough thing to do.  Much of the time they come off as a bit too “selly”, “pluggy”, or just trying too hard to be natural and organic (hence not natural or organic at all).  Here’s one that’s just charming and fun and put a smile on my face.  Hope it puts a smile on yours.  Have a great weekend!  : )

6 Comments on organically charming

ghetto coffee

  • July 5, 2011 11:27 am

As of late, the coffee I make tastes like shit.  But given the frugal nature of the Orient coursing through my veins, I am obligated to drink it.  Every morning since October 2010, I wake up, brew a cup of shit, stare at it, recognize it’s craptastic qualities, splash in a jigger of 2% Lactaid, and drink (and gag).  It is not satisfying to say the least.  Unless, of course, you’re into drinking the liquid expelled from the anus of a swine.

in it's final moments, the only thing expressed was liquid poo

It all started 10 months ago when the glass carafe of my mini coffee-maker cracked (cracked carafe = burnt coffee).  It was but a wee splinter at the base, really nothing to be alarmed of.  But after a few turns of heating up and cooling down, that little hairline crack blossomed into a bushel of silver, varicose veins worthy of a 99 year old granny-ankle.  For some reason the carafe didn’t fall apart into a million little pieces.  Instead, it just held together, defying all natural physics, refusing to die.  It was like a blind, one-legged dog, still trying to fetch the morning paper for it’s master – pathetic yet endearing to thy heart.  Read more...

5 Comments on ghetto coffee

Hollywood, family

  • June 14, 2011 4:15 pm

I’m a baby papa.  Actually, make that babies papa.  There, I outed myself.  I am legally a parent and a husband – a man no longer solo but a caretaker of my out-of-womb seeds and a spicy Oriental lass of the Han-Gook variety.

“Everything changes once you have kids.  So don’t pop holes through your condom with your teeth during…”
-  Planned Parenthood (ok, not really)

If you had asked me 5 years ago whether I’d be married with kids (and a minivan too), I would have laughed really, really hard and said, “Whatever mofo, pass the lychee soju and let us drink like vikings and touch the untanned parts of pretty girls.”

But it is not 5 years ago, it is today. Instead, I am married with kids (two to be precise and perhaps more on the way).  5 years ago, I would have considered my current state of affairs a “worst case scenario,” second only to running out of Shiseido facial moisturizer and blotting paper before a big audition.  Sigh…being an 18 year old, single father of two is truly sobering…  Read more...

34 Comments on Hollywood, family

when dick dies

  • December 20, 2010 1:55 pm

Dear Santa,

I have to buy a minivan.  I don’t want to buy one, I have to.  I am not writing to you in hopes that you will surprise me with a new, 2011 Honda Odyssey or Toyota Sienna under my tree (though that would be nice and would save me $45,000).  No, my wish for being such a good boy in 2010 is a guarantee that my dick won’t fall off when I ultimately purchase a minivan and have to be seen driving one around town.  I know it’s an odd request, as I would imagine most of your wishes tend to revolve around dolls, bikes, and a whole host of other material gifts and not the death of a sexual organ as a result of engaging in what I have now learned to be, the ultimate emasculation.

Now before you think I am overreacting and assign me a lump of coal for having the audacity to even make such a request, just know that I am of sound mind and have thought this thing through thoroughly and with good measure.  I am not crazy.  I just love having a functioning penis and would like to continue sporting one until my dying day.  Is that too much for a good boy to ask?

I have never known such fear.  Prior to my life circumstance dictating that I must purchase this dreaded penis killer on wheels (aka minivan), I always thought that man’s greatest fears revolved around things like…

 Read more...

14 Comments on when dick dies

Hawaii 5-0 Shit!

  • November 8, 2010 4:00 am

Forget North Korea or Afghanistan, the new axis of evil is Hawaii.  That’s right, our 50th State may just be the most dangerous place on Earth.  It’s a place where the world’s terrorists come to do their hardest core sinning, whether it be drug running, human trafficking, arms dealing, and/or any other variety of activities that may lead to the end of days.  Don’t let the swaying palm trees, white sand beaches, and hot men and women in thong bikinis fool you, Hawaii is where the shit really goes down.  Well, at least that’s what it seems like every Monday night on CBS.

But before I proceed further, let me just confess that I really love the new Hawaii 5-0 reboot.  It’s the TV show that I look forward to the most every week.  Why?  Well, beyond the fact that Daniel Dae Kim is rather dreamy and has some of the coolest hair in television history, the show just has such a unique look in such a unique local with such a unique cast of characters.  I also love Hawaii as a vacation destination.  In fact, it’s my favorite place to go to decompress, collect my thoughts, and further perfect my skills as a fire knife dancer.  But whatever the reason, I just really enjoy the show.  So much so that I always watch it live.  I don’t DVR it…ever.  Respect.

to serve and protect (by being ripped)  Read more...

18 Comments on Hawaii 5-0 Shit!

Mi Politico Amigos de Amor

  • November 2, 2010 10:40 am

Last night during dinner, Martin Sheen called me.  Then, about 10 minutes later, Morgan Freeman.  A few minutes after that, the great Filipino boxing champ, Manny Pacquiao.  And, when I thought all was finally silent and I could return to my Chateau Briand, Susan Sarandon decided to say hello as well.  Ahhh…tis the life of a Hollywood drug dealer.

Just kidding.  I’m their psychiatrist.  Just kidding.  I’m their divorce attorney. Just kidding.  I’m their escort service provider (aka pimp).

OK, so truth be told, I am none of the above.  If I were a yoga instructor or a dog walker in the 90210, then maybe, just maybe, I would receive regular phone calls from the likes of those listed above.  But I am none of those things.  I’m just Roger, a guy who pays his taxes and just happens to have an active land line in Southern California during the eve before the 2010 midterm elections.  So for one night only, my phone will ring off the hook from the likes of the powerful, the famous, and the unusually beautiful.  For one night only, I’ll know what it’s like to be Sung Kang…or Iris Yamashita.  Yeah, I’ll take what I can get…  Read more...

6 Comments on Mi Politico Amigos de Amor

self ass-kickage

  • October 25, 2010 10:19 am

This weekend I got my ass kicked…by me.  OK, it wasn’t really me that kicked my ass but a scrawny, little asian fucker kid who exhibited a rather uncanny resemblance to me as a high school student.  This mini me was about 5’3″ tall, skinny as a broom pole (he weighed 105 pounds, tops), tan as a piece of beef jerky, and had super cool hair (kind of like Justin Bieber’s but black).  Yes that was me in high school.  And for some twisted reason, God, karma, or Cyberdyne Systems planned for me to duel my doppelgänger to the near death.  He as the ass kicker.  The real me, as the ass kicked.  It would not be pretty to say the least…

 Read more...

12 Comments on self ass-kickage