YOMYOMF Rant: If Scarlett Johansson Really Used 100% of Her Brain, She’d Still be Scarlett Johansson

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Can we please stop furthering this stupid notion that we only use 10% of our brains? I’m looking at you, new movie Lucy starring Scarlett Johansson. The premise of this film is that once Lucy (played by Johansson) starts using 100% of her brain (instead of the 10% that the rest of us mere humans use) after a “drug mule” incident, she can suddenly do all these incredibly kickass, superhero-y things like this:

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The problem with this premise is that we already use 100% of our brains. All of us. Even the dumbest/in-bred over 20 generations/one-step up from the intelligence of an amoeba/waste of skin uses—say it with me now—100% of their brains.

So where did this myth that we use only 10% of our brains come from?

Pikachus in Elevators and on Escalators

Is there anything that could bring more joy, more excitement, more ecstatic sensations to your weekend, than this gif of Pikachus riding up escalators and elevators?

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It’s all part of an upcoming Pikachu event in Yokohama, Japan, but who cares? You could ingest some psychedelic drugs stare at the gif above for hours while playing this music in the background on infinite loop (perfect marriage of music and image) and be completely mesmerized and entertained (or at least more mesmerized and entertained than sitting through two hours of the new Hercules).

And you’re welcome for providing you with something to do this weekend.

Hello Kitty, Psycho Killer

This is the Hello Kitty dictionary published by Harper Collins:

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This is the description you can find of the dictionary on Amazon: “This is a school dictionary with a difference: it’s big, bling and very Hello Kitty! Cupcakes and rainbows, bumblebees and, of course, Hello Kitty and her friends decorate every page.”

This is one of the definitions of the word “necklace” in the Hello Kitty dictionary:

PAY-Samantha-Rawlins

You’ve Been Kimchi Slapped!

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Here’s a gif that’s bound to make your Tuesday a little brighter:

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Yup, that ajumma is administering the purest form of Korean frontier justice: the kimchi slap.

The above gif comes from the Korean drama series entitled Everybody Kimchi, which is set against the backdrop of the kimchi industry. Now, I don’t know anything else about the show and, frankly, I don’t care. All I know is any show that includes the little-known and little-seen kimchi slap is alright in my book.

And what can Everybody Kimchi teach us about the kimchi slap?

American Fast Food Chains Serving Expired Chinese Meat and…So?

JUNK_FOODNews broke today that China-based Husi Food Co. has been selling expired beef and chicken to American fast food giants McDonald’s, KFC and Pizza Hut. They allegedly did this by repackaging the stale meat and putting new expiration dates on them. Of course, reps for the fast food companies have announced they are no longer purchasing meat from Husi and are launching their own “investigations.”

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Here’s all I have to add to this—is anyone really surprised by this news? And does anyone really believe that the fast food companies are genuinely surprised by this either?

Has Anyone Seen a 1 Ton Rubber Duck?

Some of you may have heard that a giant 59-foot rubber duck weighing 1 ton created by Dutch artist Florentijin Hofman has been floating around the globe this past year. Despite hitting some snags, including mysteriously exploding during a visit to a Taiwanese port last December, the rubber duck has been holding up pretty well considering it’s a friggin’ rubber duck.

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But all that changed last week as the duck was making its way down China’s Nanming River and a torrential flood washed it away. As of today, the duck has yet to be found so if anyone in southwest China comes upon an 18 meter tall giant duck, please let the local authorities know, won’t you? Do it for the children or at least…uh…whatever Ernie is supposed to be:

6 Times When it’s OK for White People to Don Yellow Face

Apparently, there’s a new production of Gilbert & Sullivan’s musical The Mikado up in Seattle (produced by the Seattle Gilbert & Sullivan Society) that’s rankled some in the community for its “yellow face” casting—all 40 Japanese characters in the show are played by 38 white actors and 2 Latinos in full-on “Oriental” mode.

Seattle Gilbert & Sullivan Society's THE MIKADO

Seattle Gilbert & Sullivan Society’s THE MIKADO

In general, it’s almost never OK to do yellow face so if you’re a non-Asian and you’re considering following in the footsteps of the Seattle Gilbert & Sullivan Society, fuck you just don’t do it. But like all rules, there are a few exceptions and here they are:

1) IF YOU’RE ACTUALLY SATIRIZING OR MAKING FUN OF THE PRACTICE OF YELLOW FACE AND/OR THE IDIOTS BEHIND IT

tumblr_m34jweWjdg1qcnueyo1_500As a general rule, if you wouldn’t put a white actor in black face in any particular situation, you shouldn’t be OK with putting them in yellow face. However, I can think of at least two recent examples where the use of black face was justified—on a couple of episodes of the NBC series 30 Rock and the Ben Stiller flick Tropic Thunder. In both instances, white actors donned black face but it was to point out the absurdity of the white characters who were doing it in the first place (yes, it’s all very meta). So if you want to do a play or film poking fun at a clueless white theater company in an otherwise diverse city that chooses to put on a production of a play set in Asia with a white cast in yellow face, then this would be OK.

The Great KFC Anti-Phil Conspiracy

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Damnit, I’m just a red-blooded American man and as such occasionally I feel the need …the need for some KFC original recipe chicken and biscuits. Which is why what I am about to share with you is so disturbing. Up until very recently, there were three—count them three—KFC locations within a short distance from my home in the Los Feliz/Silver Lake area. Now, there are zero.

I repeat—zero.

The KFC on Sunset Blvd. in Hollywood—CLOSED:

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The KFC on Virgil—CLOSED:

Creepy Shower Head Girlfriend

19-year-old Kiyuu Oikawa recently posted a blog about finding an original way to show his love for his girlfriend and the blog quickly became the most viewed on Sina Weibo aka China’s largest social media site. But before you assume the post’s popularity is due to a romantic or sweet gesture on this man’s part, you should know that what the dude actually did was make this:

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It’s a shower head modeled after his girlfriend’s face.

Let’s take a closer look at this, shall we?

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I don’t know about you, but here’s what I’ll say about this: HOLY SHIT! THAT IS CREEPY AS FUCK!

The Obligatory Jeremy Lin Lakers Blog

If you’re Asian American and spend time on the internet (i.e. everyone reading this blog), then you already know Jeremy Lin will soon come to L.A. as a Laker.

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And…well…yeah…that’s about it. I really have nothing to add to this topic that hasn’t already been said over and over and over again since word broke Friday, but figured I should blog about it in some way ‘cause it seems like every Asian American online is required to acknowledge this news or lose their membership in the Asian American club community.

So the Simian Flu Killed All the Asians?

Some of my fellow Offenders will be blogging about the new Dawn of the Planet of the Apes for the YOMYOMF Summer Blockbuster Showdown in a few days, but I have a question regarding the movie to throw out there in the meantime: what happened to all the Asians?

'Dawn's' humans.

‘Dawn’s’ humans.

The story is set in San Francisco—a city that was 58.4% Asian as of 2012 and increasing—so it’s odd that the only Asian face I can recall seeing was some Frank Chin-looking dude standing behind the main characters when the apes first come to visit the human settlement: