This Week in Internet Sexiness: Two Pandas Have Sex for Longer Than Two Pandas Have Ever Had Sex

Horny Pandas Set Record With Marathon Sex Session

Pandas are not known for their sexual prowess. On average, their lovemaking lasts from 30 seconds to five minutes, which isn’t that long and completely incomprehensible to me since I can’t relate to that at all. And that’s when they’re in the mood or able to perform, which isn’t a given with pandas as they are notoriously, well, bad at doing the nasty. Zookeepers have even had to produce panda porn to get them horny. Again, something I can’t relate to on any level.

"I'm only watching this for the story."

“I’m only watching this for the story.”

So when two pandas at the Sichuan Giant Panda Research Center named Lu Lu and Zhen Zhen went at it for a full seven minutes and 45 seconds, they became the rock stars of the panda world. Lu Lu even earned the nickname “Enduring Brother” when the video of their sex marathon went viral in China.

Look, It’s our Friend Josh Fu Doing the Opposite of Killing It on This Game Show

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Our friend Josh Fu is one half of Fu Music and placed in the top two during the first season of our competition show Internet Icon. Here he is on the game show Password not doing quite as well as he did on our show. In fact, this is a pretty epic fail but also the best 3 ½ minutes you’ll spend on the internet today:

But lest you think from his performance above that Josh is not awesome, check out this video he and his brother Jacob shot and edited in six hours during our Internet Icon competition and tell me it’s not badass:

Why the Producers of This 1980s C. Thomas Howell Movie Should Sue Mindy Kaling’s Brother

You might have heard that Vijay Chokal-Ingam, the older brother of actor/producer/writer Mindy Kaling, recently admitted that he had pretended to be African American so he would have a better chance of being accepted to prestigious medical schools and plans to write a book about it now.

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In his own words: “I knew that admission standards for certain minorities under affirmative action were, let’s say… less stringent?”

So he shaved his head, trimmed his eyelashes, started using his middle name (Jojo) and…instant beneficiary of affirmative action!

Although he interviewed at eleven prestigious medical schools as a black man including Harvard and Columbia, he only got into one: St. Louis University Medical School. And there he spent two years living in “blackface”.

According to Chinese Textbooks, Everyone in the World Should be Gay

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There are apparently sex education textbooks in Chinese high schools that state that “masturbation will lead to mental disorders and homosexuality.”

So if this is true, every single person on Earth should turn gay. In fact, if those high school students reading those textbooks are anything like I was at their age, they should be turning gay at least 3 or 4 times a day.

This Rice-making Car Should be Real

I know Audi’s announcement yesterday for its new Japanese special edition A8 model with rice cooker built in was just an April Fool’s joke, but damnit, someone needs to make it happen:

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How many times have you been rushing home like a madman so you can get the rice started lest you end up eating dinner at some ungodly hour? If you’re like me, it happens almost every day. Think of how something like this would help. Now, you can be cooking that rice while you’re stuck in traffic and by the time you get home, you’ll have a perfect bowl of steaming, delicious rice ready to go.

April Fool’s Day is a Bullshit Holiday

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In this day and age, when you’re reminded every time you go on social media or the internet that today is April Fool’s Day, does anyone still fall for a prank?

Look, I get the holiday meant something when I was a kid in the pre-internet era when you could genuinely fall for an April Fool’s joke because you weren’t constantly being bombarded with reminders that it was April Fool’s Day, but we’re living in a different time now. Like Confederate Day or Blackface Day, this is a holiday that no longer has any relevance.

In my opinion, it’s also the most dangerous holiday. Deadly even. What the what? Let me illustrate with an example:

Who Wants to Go in with Me to Buy the $4.75 Million Apartment Complex From the Original ‘Karate Kid’?

And by go in with me, I mean who has $4.75 million lying around to buy the apartment complex because it’s apparently up for sale.

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It’s the 37-unit South Seas Apartment in Reseda, California (in the famed San Fernando Valley outside of Los Angeles) where Daniel-san (Ralph Macchio) lived with his mother in the first and original Karate Kid. Much of that movie was shot in the San Fernando Valley, but no other location has become, arguably, as iconic as that run-down apartment which represented the not-so-good situation that Daniel-san and his mother were faced with when they moved to Southern California.

So the last thing that anyone would like to see happen is for some greedy developer to come in and buy the property, only to tear it down and turn it into a friggin’ Forever 21 or something like that. No, it’s a historical landmark that must be preserved and for just $4.75 million and my amazing vision, we can do it…together. Like these two did:

This Week in Internet Cuteness: The Magic Bunny

What better way to kick off another week than with a picture of a cute and rare animal:

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That’s the Ili pika aka the “Magic Bunny”. They live in the remote Tianshan Mountains in China and are so rare that there are believed to be fewer than 1,000 of them left. The photo was snapped by Weidong Li, the man who discovered the species back in 1983.

As adorable as the pika may be, its numbers have been decreasing because their natural habitat has been shrinking—by over 71% in the past 30 years.

Hey Japanese Schoolgirls, These Instructional Videos Will Show You How Not to Accidentally Show Off Your Panties While You Do Stuff

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It’s not a secret that the Japanese have a thing for schoolgirls in uniform. But this “fetish” has apparently gotten so bad that now we have the Mousou Kagaku Kenkyushitsu video series—which is basically a series of short videos showing Japanese schoolgirls in uniform doing things like reaching for a book on the top shelf, resulting in a glimpse of their panties underneath their short skirts. Like this:

How to Survive the 2015 TV Pilot Season if You’re a Caucasian Actor

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Deadline Hollywood reported this week that because of the high demand for actors of color, this current TV pilot season (when actors audition for series regular roles in next fall’s crop of new TV shows) has been especially hard for white actors who are being denied opportunities in favor of their more “diverse” colleagues. Many folks attacked the article for its racism, including myself, but now that I’ve thought about it some more, I feel I may have taken the wrong approach.

You see, I’m all about the love. And that love extends to my Caucasian brothers and sisters. I know this is a scary time for them—they’ve never experienced being the “minority” before and even the suggestion that their white entitlement is threatened is uncomfortable and frightening.

Pilot season must be especially tough because this is the time of year when white people have traditionally shined. They’ve had their pick of auditions, their pick of roles, hell, this is why their forefathers came over on the Mayflower—so their descendants could be cast on Friends without having to worry about some black or brown actor taking away that opportunity. But we’re entering a brave new world and if white is the new black/Asian/Latino in Hollywood, here’s my advice on how my white friends should approach this pilot season:

‘Ethnic’ Casting – Too Much of a Good Thing? Really?

This was the headline for a piece posted last night by the popular showbiz website Deadline Hollywood about the trend this pilot season (the time of year when the broadcast networks cast the pilots for shows in consideration for the new TV season) to cast more “ethnic” actors (read the whole article here):

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So apparently making a real and conscientious effort for more diversity in TV casting could constitute “too much of a good thing”. Or as the author Nellie Andreeva explains:

But, as is the case with any sea change, the pendulum might have swung a bit too far in the opposite direction. Instead of opening the field for actors of any race to compete for any role in a color-blind manner, there has been a significant number of parts designated as ethnic this year, making them off-limits for Caucasian actors, some agents signal. Many pilot characters this year were listed as open to all ethnicities, but when reps would call to inquire about an actor submission, they frequently have been told that only non-Caucasian actors would be considered. “Basically 50% of the roles in a pilot have to be ethnic, and the mandate goes all the way down to guest parts,” one talent representative said.