Coffee With Satan: The Devil’s Diet

  • June 17, 2012 3:49 pm

I grew up in France where people eat a shitload of deserts and somehow remain pretty thin. When relatives visit me, they’re perplexed that people go on “diets”. Of course, they’re also shocked that milk is sold by the gallon. They don’t know what “Diet Coke” is. And they’re always flabbergasted that Americans are so fucking huge. After decades of mystery, Satan comes clean about one of his/her greatest invention. This conversation took place at the Starbucks on Westwood and Santa Monica Boulevard.

NORITH: I found that, especially in America, people are always on diets, yet they’re getting fatter.

SATAN: America has been a hotbed of creativity for me – and one of my great projects, which came to fruition in the 70’s, was the concept of dieting.

N: Originally, “diet” meant being on a regimen based on like a medical condition, right?

S: Right. But my team came up with the concept of eating a lot less for a short period of time in order to control weight. Which has been around for over a century. I thought I was on to something with the tapeworm diet, but the concept really blew up, big bang style, with Coca Cola, Jane Fonda, et al.

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Coffee With Satan: Satan’s Personal Memorial Day

  • May 27, 2012 10:36 pm

I met Satan last Saturday at the Starbucks on Olympic and Sawtelle. To celebrate Memorial Day weekend, S. wanted to discuss his/her favorite President. S. had glassy eyes and a lost look of a great era. There was a lot of affection for George W. Bush.

S: I miss George.

N: So, W. really was evil.

S: Oh yeah. He wasn’t as evil as Chinaman and Rum Punch.

N: Do you mean, Cheney and Rumsfeld?

S: Right. Or Range Rover.

N: Karl Rove?

S: I loved Range Rover. And Last Rites. She was awesome.

N: Is “Last Rites” Condolezza Rice?  Read more...

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Coffee With Satan: Mr. Evil Potato Head

  • April 27, 2012 12:02 am

My chats with the devil have grown addictive. Worse than TV, the internet, or even fantasy sports (all of which S. claims are his/her inventions). I’ve tried to stop but simply can’t. I just have too many fucking questions, as you can imagine. I put up some of these interviews here last year, but finally, I had to publish an unabridged version for $6.66 (S. insisted on that price).

The conversation you are about to read is not in the current volume. Took place at the Starbucks on Westwood and Olympic last January. As you will see, the art of producing evil is tenuous. Striking where people least expect has been key to the devil’s success…

N: Outside of money, what would you say is a distant second instrument of evil?

S: Potatoes.

N: Potatoes?

S: As an American, what is your greatest probability of death? More than a plane crash, car accident, getting shot?

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The 33 Strategies of Sports: The Intelligence Strategy

  • February 29, 2012 12:01 am

The days you get your ass kicked, it’s usually not because of the situation, the person or organization you are facing – it’s because of your lack of preparation and attention. If you’re humiliated in a job interview, it’s because you didn’t know enough about the company’s philosophy. If you’re on a date and suddenly become an asshole, it’s because you’re not paying enough attention to the person sitting opposite you. In either case, you have become trapped in your own narcissism.

The greatest weapon is never more money or manpower, it’s the ability to read the mind of the man or woman you are facing. If you can read minds, you can literally accomplish anything. This is what the government calls “intelligence”. They never send agents out without having “Intel” brief them on their mission – like in a 007 movie.

In sports, when a favored opponent loses to a weaker one, they call it an “upset”. And if you’re into sports, the bigger the upset, the more thrilling the experience (unless you were cheering for the team that lost). Because, there is nothing like a good ass kicking that mirrors real life more accurately. Welcome Back to “The 33 Strategies of Sports”, a concoction of Robert Greene’s “33 Strategies of War” and sports history.  Read more...

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YOMYOMF Podcast: On the Offensive – The Itch Edition

  • January 10, 2012 3:00 pm

If you’ve been following YOMYOMF over the holidays, you may have read about some of our members’ moment in the spotlight of the fantasy sports universe via an ESPN/Grantland Bill Simmons column. Well, if you’re interested in following our soap opera of a fantasy league (declared by Simmons as “the greatest fantasy league EVER” – his words, not mine), we’ve got a bit of a follow-up.

Several of our basketball-crazed Offenders and extended members of the Family gathered together last week to present the second official podcast of the YOMYOMF network, which we’ve come to name “On the Offensive,” with this version aptly being the sports edition, or what we like to call, “The Itch.”  Read more...

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Coffee With Satan: A Celebration of Misogyny

  • December 20, 2011 12:01 am

I wish I could tell you Satan was a guy in red, with a thin mustache and a pitchfork. He or she is neither. But I am not allowed to disclose the Prince or Princess of Darkness’ identity, as I have coffee with him or her. Notice how I did that twice, placed the masculine before the feminine? What is the real reason behind that? Today’s topic is Misogyny. Just in case you have vision of a man in your mind, I just want to remind you that S. could very well not be one.

S: Aaaaahhh, misogyny. The world revolves around it.

N: So, how did you… invent it or whatever?

S: The Greek God myths ruled the world at one point and there were all these great role models for chicks, in fact for everyone. We knew those had to be eliminated and we had to focus on one guy. One white guy.

N: Even though he wasn’t white?

S: Right. Even better. We had to make one guy white and make everyone worship that guy – and make everyone else a second class citizen.

N: Are women weaker than men?  Read more...

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The 33 Strategies of Sports: Grand Strategy

  • December 14, 2011 8:36 pm

You wake up one day and decide you’re going to take your goal seriously. No more bullshit. I’m going to do whatever it takes to succeed. You recruit your team, call up friends, colleagues, making your bold announcement. They’re behind you. You’re going to kick ass. You do the appropriate research on the internet. But something happens. This takes longer than you thought, since “researching the internet” unleashes a landmine of information — articles about politics, healthy living, sports, entertainment, free porn, the death of a celebrity, etc. Sometimes, you “research” for hours and realize you did not “research” anything. Additionally, the phone calls you are engaged in are no longer about your project — but the project of the person on the other end. You are now helping your colleagues with their project. Enough time goes by and you forget why you were so hyped up to begin with. You have lost track of your goal and are no longer pursuing it. You are now the cog in someone else’s goal.

You then begin the process all over again. This is the majority of how things go in life. How do you break this vicious cycle and reach your ultimate goal? Sports, perhaps the last primal act in entertainment, can be your great teacher in vanquishing this terrible habit. Welcome back to “The 33 Strategies of Sports”, a concoction of Robert Greene’s “The 33 Strategies of War” and sports history.  Read more...

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Coffee With Satan: The Evil Art Form known as Cinema

  • October 17, 2011 7:35 pm

Is Satan a gorgeous woman? A debonair man? A prodigious child? Wish I could tell you. But, you wouldn’t believe me if I did.
Our topic of conversation today: cinema.

N: Are movies your creation?

S: Yes. Religions were starting to break down, the era of Kings and Queens was falling apart and we needed something new for people to worship. Cinema was the answer. I couldn’t believe how well cinema worked. People will accept being lied to their faces for 90 minutes or so, as long as it’s entertaining.

This lubricated our path to the “movie star”. A person whom the world will accept as a God, but in reality has no value or substance. Therefore, people look up to an empty soul that can do nothing but lie. That’s the role model today! You have to hand it to me, bro. I shoved that concept up people’s asses and they still go crazy over it today.

(S. actually weeps)  Read more...

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Coffee With Satan: Why S. Invented Racism

  • October 7, 2011 9:54 pm

What does the Prince of Darkness look like? Man, woman, child, animal? Wish I could tell you? But, I’m forbidden, as per our agreement. To have coffee together. Today, our topic is racism.

N: What is your role in racism?

S: Racism is one of my favorite inventions. And I’m always amazed how well it works.

N: How did you come up with this…concept?

S: The best campaigns are always very simple. Like bottled water. When my team presented to me the idea of getting people to buy bottled water, I was very skeptical and my respect for humanity is extremely low. But it works. The idea itself is a masterpiece.

N: I drink bottled water all the time.

S: People are at a point where you could tell them what the water contains, but they will still drink it. The bottle is made out of petroleum – that’s no secret – and it’s always carried in hot conditions. By the time you buy it a 7-11 for $3, you’re drinking gasoline. Which is marvelous. Every time I see a human drink bottled water, if I have to be honest, I want to masturbate. It’s so beautiful.

N: How is this like racism?  Read more...

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Coffee with Satan, Log #2

  • October 1, 2011 5:07 pm

As per our agreement, I cannot disclose Satan’s identity. S. is very excited about her/his new project. Glowing like a child when we sit down for some coffee (read log #1 here).

N: I thought a lot about the things we discussed.

S: Thinking how you can turn it into good, right?

N: Not necessarily.

S: Of course you are. That’s human nature. That fogginess, that defensiveness about doing good, that’s me. I created that.

N: Good one.

S: You mean, bad one.

N: Right… Last time, we discussed what worked really well for you, like texts and emails… What hasn’t worked to unleash evil on a massive scale?  Read more...

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Coffee with Satan, Log #1

  • September 27, 2011 12:01 am

I can’t disclose what he or she looks like. I can’t talk about the sound of his or her voice. I can say I’m having coffee with Satan. I am allowed to talk about what he or she is not. Satan doesn’t wear red. Satan doesn’t look evil. Satan is perhaps the last person you would ever expect. But S. has agreed to speak to me occasionally on a number of topics. Over coffee.

N: The 10th anniversary of 9/11 just passed. So, it would be fitting for me to ask you, were you involved in that in any way?

S: I was not involved in the act. But I worked on the publicity tour. 9/11 made everyone feel vulnerable and weak. An event like that is like good manure. Fertile grounds to plant evil. When people are weak, they make selfish decisions. Shooting fish in a barrel, bro. Evil sprouted like weeds. I wasn’t even involved in half of it. I got kind of lazy and out of shape, actually, during the last ten years — as you can see.  Read more...

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The Non-Engagement Strategy

  • September 15, 2011 7:52 pm

Today, you create a work of art everyone laughs at. Fifty years from now, you’re a genius. Today, you’re a zit riddled teenager no one wants to sleep with. Fifteen years later, you have amazing confidence and can sleep with anyone. Today, you deal with a powerful enemy that humiliates you. Five years from now, that foe loses his ass in the stock market and is suddenly not so powerful anymore. You have them right where you want them. What do these scenarios have in common? Time. This is the only element that has more power than money, sex and power itself.

Because everything eventually changes. You just need to live beyond the terrible situation you’re in today. Not force anything and let nature take its course. Could any of us foresee the end of Blockbuster Video? Starbucks, Google, Apple seem powerful now, but one day, just like anything, they will be toppled and it will be someone else’s turn. You could be that someone else. The laws of nature finds its way into every facet of life, whether we recognize it or not. Understanding its mechanism could determine your fate.

Welcome back to THE 33 STRATEGIES OF SPORTS, a concoction of Robert Greene’s “The 33 Strategies of War” and sports history.

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