SAF seeking… A French Connection Part 2

guest_offendersANNIKA

Annika is a 28 year old Cambodian Vietnamese Chinese French American who recently returned to school to finish a bachelor’s degree in computer science and linguistics. Her hobbies and interests include swimming, cooking, baking, writing, reading, math, symbolic logic, learning foreign languages, and drinking espresso – and of course, boys.

(Read Part 1 here)

Oh those Frenchies!

Oh those Frenchies!

Sweat beads roll down his forehead and into my left eye as he’s thrusting.

Goddamnit. Ow. My make-up!

I’m half-squinting like a pirate who forgot his eye patch.

I make a swift shift of my head to the left to avoid anymore of his sweat getting into my eyes. His head follows suit and as he leans down to kiss me, MORE sweat gets into my eyes.

For fuck’s sake!

YOMYOMF’s Summer Blockbuster Showdown — SNOWPIERCER!

YOMYOMF's Summer Blockbuster Showdown Part 6-01

Select Offenders will be reviewing this summer’s crop of Hollywood tentpole films with a scientifically tested set of criteria that was vetted, nurtured, dissected and regurgitated through the pop-culture gadflies who have nothing better to do than annoy other productive people in the YOMYOMF office. So, we channeled their nitpicks of the incessant reboots, remakes and rehashes that are part and parcel with Hollywood summer movies into this ongoing summer blog series called the SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SHOWDOWN. You can read previous roundtable reviews, which are all archived here

In this edition, we review Korean helmer BONG Joonho’s SNOWPIERCER (currently out in theatres and on VOD now). BTW, this roundtable review is chock full of spoilers. You’ve been warned! 

YOMYOMF’s Summer Blockbuster Showdown — DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES!

APEYOMYOMF's Summer Blockbuster Showdown Part 5-01

Select Offenders will be reviewing this summer’s crop of Hollywood tentpole films with a scientifically tested set of criteria that was vetted, nurtured, dissected and regurgitated through the pop-culture gadflies who have nothing better to do than annoy other productive people in the YOMYOMF office. So, we channeled their nitpicks of the incessant reboots, remakes and rehashes that are part and parcel with Hollywood summer movies into this ongoing summer blog series called the SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SHOWDOWN. You can read previous roundtable reviews, which are all archived here

In this edition, we review DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES! BTW, this roundtable review is chock full of spoilers. You’ve been warned!  

YOMYOMF’s Summer Blockbuster Showdown — MALEFICENT!

maleficent

Select Offenders will be reviewing this summer’s crop of Hollywood tentpole films with a scientifically tested set of criteria that was vetted, nurtured, dissected and regurgitated through the pop-culture gadflies who have nothing better to do than annoy other productive people in the YOMYOMF office. So, we channeled their nitpicks of the incessant reboots, remakes and rehashes that are part and parcel with Hollywood summer movies into this ongoing summer blog series called the SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SHOWDOWN. You can read previous roundtable reviews, which are all archived here

In this edition, we nitpick on Disney’s MALEFICENT starring Angelina Jolie. BTW, this roundtable review is chock full of spoilers. You’ve been warned!

YOMYOMF’s Summer Blockbuster Showdown — TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION!

YOMYOMF's Summer Blockbuster Showdown Part 3-01

Select Offenders will be reviewing this summer’s crop of Hollywood tentpole films with a scientifically tested set of criteria that was vetted, nurtured, dissected and regurgitated through the pop-culture gadflies who have nothing better to do than annoy other productive people in the YOMYOMF office. So, we channeled their nitpicks of the incessant reboots, remakes and rehashes that are part and parcel with Hollywood summer movies into this ongoing summer blog series called the SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SHOWDOWN. You can read previous roundtable reviews, which are all archived here

In this edition, we tackle Michael Mr. Stage Fright Bay’s latest masturbatory opus, TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION! BTW, this roundtable review is chock full of spoilers. You’ve been warned! 

SAF seeking… A French Connection part 1

guest_offendersANNIKA

Annika is a 20-something year old newly single divorcee who recently returned to school to complete a bachelor’s degree in computational linguistics. She spends her time baking, cooking, swimming, hanging at pubs, trying different foods and restaurants, and inappropriately staring at the asses of unassuming men. She currently lives in Los Angeles.

Hey, do guys really notice if you haven't shaved your legs?!

Hey, do guys really notice if you haven’t shaved your legs?!

“Oh my god, I forgot to shave my legs. I hope he didn’t notice. He won’t, right? I’m Asian, I’m practically hairless!”

I’m sprinting to my car from the office in a neighborhood adjacent to Beverly Hills. He lives not far away from where I work and we actually have another hour before our agreed upon meeting time but he did extract from me a promise that I would get there sooner if I could, so there was no point in going back to my home to shave my legs.

His name is “Pierre” and we met two days prior to that while standing in line at Starbucks where I ordered a Blackberry Mojito Tea Lemonade with no other intentions in mind other than to drink my drink and go home. He was a rather tall gentleman for a Frenchman (5’9”ish), with beautiful, dreamy, thick dark blonde hair, peppered with a little grey, and your typical European hipster glasses. He was also kind of hairy, from what I could tell under his V-neck shirt, and I had also never been with a Frenchman before and so I think, “Why not check this box off?”

YOMYOMF’s Summer Blockbuster Showdown — EDGE OF TOMORROW!

YOMYOMF's Summer Blockbuster Showdown Part 2-01

Select Offenders will be reviewing this summer’s crop of Hollywood tentpole films with a scientifically tested set of criteria that was vetted, nurtured, dissected and regurgitated through the pop-culture gadflies who have nothing better to do than annoy other productive people in the YOMYOMF office. So, we channeled their nitpicks of the incessant reboots, remakes and rehashes that are part and parcel with Hollywood summer movies into this ongoing summer blog series called the SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SHOWDOWN. You can read previous roundtable reviews, which are all archived here

Since we’re a little late in the game (we’re already heading into July), we’re going to play catch-up this week with a series of blogs about the films that have been released already. In this edition, we discuss EDGE OF TOMORROW starring Tom Cruise.

BTW, this roundtable review is chock full of spoilers. You’ve been warned! 

YOMYOMF’s Summer Blockbuster Showdown — THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN 2!

YOMYOMF's Summer Blockbuster Showdown Part 2-01

Select Offenders will be reviewing this summer’s crop of Hollywood tentpole films with a scientifically tested set of criteria that was vetted, nurtured, dissected and regurgitated through the pop-culture gadflies who have nothing better to do than annoy other productive people in the YOMYOMF office. So, we channeled their nitpicks of the incessant reboots, remakes and rehashes that are part and parcel with Hollywood summer movies into this ongoing summer blog series called the SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SHOWDOWN.

Since we’re a little late in the game (we’re already heading into July), we’re going to play catch-up this week with a series of blogs about the films that have been released already. In this edition, we discuss THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN 2.

BTW, this roundtable review is chock full of spoilers. You’ve been warned! 

YOMYOMF’s Summer Blockbuster Showdown — 22 JUMP STREET!

YOMYOMF's Summer Blockbuster Showdown Part 1-01

Select Offenders will be reviewing this summer’s crop of Hollywood tentpole films with a scientifically tested set of criteria that was vetted, nurtured, dissected and regurgitated through the pop-culture gadflies who have nothing better to do than annoy other productive people in the YOMYOMF office. So, we channeled their nitpicks of the incessant reboots, remakes and rehashes that are part and parcel with Hollywood summer movies into this ongoing summer blog series called the SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SHOWDOWN.

Since we’re a little late in the game (we’re already heading into July), we’re going to play catch-up this week with a series of blogs about the films that have been released already. In this edition, we discuss the sequel, 22 JUMP STREET.

BTW, this roundtable review is chock full of spoilers. You’ve been warned! 

YOMYOMF’s Summer Blockbuster Showdown continues with X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST

YOMYOMF's Summer Blockbuster Showdown Part 1-01
Select Offenders will be reviewing this summer’s crop of Hollywood tentpole films with a scientifically tested set of criteria that was vetted, nurtured, dissected and regurgitated through the pop-culture gadflies who have nothing better to do than annoy other productive people in the YOMYOMF office. So, we channeled their nitpicks of the incessant reboots, remakes and rehashes that are part and parcel with Hollywood summer movies into this ongoing summer blog series called the SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SHOWDOWN.

Since we’re a little late in the game (we’re already heading into July), we’re going to play catch-up this week with a series of blogs about the films that have been released already. In this edition, we dissect X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST.

BTW, this roundtable review is chock full of spoilers. You’ve been warned!

YOMYOMF’s Summer Blockbuster Showdown kicks off with GODZILLA

YOMYOMF's Summer Blockbuster Showdown Part 1-01
Select Offenders will be reviewing this summer’s crop of Hollywood tentpole films with a scientifically tested set of criteria that was vetted, nurtured, dissected and regurgitated through the pop-culture gadflies who have nothing better to do than annoy other productive people in the YOMYOMF office. So, we channeled their nitpicks of the incessant reboots, remakes and rehashes that are part and parcel with Hollywood summer movies into this ongoing summer blog series called the SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SHOWDOWN.

Since we’re a little late in the game (we’re already heading into July), we’re going to play catch-up this week with a series of blogs about the films that have been released already. First up, the ultimate Asian character in all of cinema, GODZILLA!

BTW, this roundtable review is chock full of spoilers. You’ve been warned!

SAF Seeking… Brewed Hot Coffee

ANNIKA

Annika is a 20-something year old newly single divorcee who recently returned to school to complete a bachelor’s degree in computational linguistics. She spends her time baking, cooking, swimming, hanging at pubs, trying different foods and restaurants, and inappropriately staring at the asses of unassuming men. She currently lives in Los Angeles.

tumblr_m06d6fuuOa1qcs3o0o1_500

“Is there hot coffee brewing?”

I work at Starbucks. It is my second job, in addition to a job I have working at a psychologists’ office and it is without a doubt the lowest paying job I’ve had since high school, but it also gives me the opportunity to receive benefits while working part-time. It also allows me to work around my school schedule while making a little extra money. It’s hard on the body and most customers are assholes, but I also work with a fantastically odd group of people and it is one of the most fun jobs I’ve had.

Most of us – the baristas – are young and single. Being that it is Starbucks, and despite working in an Orthodox Jewish neighborhood, we get a high number of good-looking customers coming in to get their brew for the day. In an effort to not be totally obvious, we’ve developed a lingo system to announce the presence of an attractive customer by saying “is there hot coffee brewing?”