Happiness? Bah humbug!!!

  • January 15, 2012 3:05 pm

Now that's a cover that will sell magazines indeed!!!


Happiness makes for bad writing.

What does one write about when all your dreams have come true? When the person in front of you surpasses your ideals and your expectations? When the house is warm and comfy and the cat is well fed and the sex is good and dinners are attentive and gifts are showered, what does one write about?

No one wants to read a happy diary.

No one wants to read about happiness. It’s un-American. “Life, liberty, and the PURSUIT of happiness.” To have FOUND happiness and to live it is… Buddhist or Zen, but definitely not American.  Read more...

6 Comments on Happiness? Bah humbug!!!

Goodbye SF! A greatest hits list

  • January 8, 2012 9:17 am

I'm dying in here!!!!


I sat in the car, my cat on my lap, yowling in her cat carrier. My new love was driving my car packed with 30+ years of clothing, shoes, and backpacking equipment. It was 5 1/2 hours to my new life in LA. And as we crossed over the Bay Bridge in sparkling 50 degree winter sunshine, my thoughts raced:

Goodbye SF! Goodbye Mission Cliffs! Goodbye Planet Granite with your walls overlooking the bay! Goodbye Chad Herst, best mysore yoga teacher ever! Goodbye running on Bernal Hill!

Da view from the top!  Read more...

11 Comments on Goodbye SF! A greatest hits list

SAF Seeking… First Meetings on Repeat

  • January 1, 2012 10:53 am

Sex happens HERE!


Imagine a snow lodge. A hostel style lodge out in the Lake Tahoe area. Where people can get a discounted night’s stay if they do one single chore per day. It has a hot tub for those apres-ski days. It attracts lots of young adventurous types… mostly long-haired scruffy-chinned boys who can quote Proust and give you the ingredients to a good absinthe cocktail. And girls who wear those hats with the ears and Ugg boots. Sexy young sexuals all colliding into bunk rooms and closet-like cubicles with two beds masquerading as private bedrooms.

Into this mix, throw in a few budget seeking travelers.  Read more...

3 Comments on SAF Seeking... First Meetings on Repeat

SAF Seeking… Happy Elephant Trunk

  • December 18, 2011 7:53 am

Who's a lucky elephant?!

“And the sex is sooooo gooooood!” my friend ‘Jasmine’ gushed. “He’s so humble and quiet in public, but in bed he’s so confident and strong. He just knows how to pick me up and throw me around.”

We were driving down the 101 on a two hour journey. We were both trail runners and we’d heard of this amazing trail near Monterey that was apparently epic. But what was more epic was that Jasmine… was in love!

“And he has this curved.. no, BENT!…penis.” She added. I nodded. Oh, I’ve had experiences with the mighty flesh scimitar. The last one gave my ovaries a run for their money; they were constantly skewered. Which means a lot when you think of how off to the SIDE the ovaries are placed.  Read more...

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Goodbye SF! Boy, I lovez ya! (Part 1)

  • December 12, 2011 9:20 am

I freakin LOVE this place!

I’m almost near my last San Francisco days. I’ve completed all auditions, all assignments, and almost all freelance work contracts. I only need now to pack up my important things, my cat, and throw it all into a waiting U-Haul truck… and drive down into the arms of some crazy guy in LA who says he loves me. I got three weeks to do it.

But because of this, I just want to share what make the SF Bay Area so freakin’ fantastic.. despite the huge panhandling population and the urine soaked streets. Because truthfully, this is my Valhalla, where city and nature collide and actually work in harmony.  Read more...

1 Comment on Goodbye SF! Boy, I lovez ya! (Part 1)

Around the Horn: Who wants an orgasm?!

  • December 5, 2011 2:30 pm

Pleasure, whichever way you find it.

I was having drinks with a great girlfriend “Gina”, discussing our various men in our lives and sex in general. (Yup, just another day at the office.) She’s 30-something, beautiful, witty, smart, talented, and in general, one of those girls who’s got it all.

Then Gina dropped the bomb on me: she’s never had an orgasm.

"Beige, yes, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Okay, that sounds a bit black and white, and I am sensationalizing it. She’s had an orgasm, sure… once or twice with an old boyfriend FROM LONG AGO… but not with her current beau. And she wondered openly, “Do you think that’s a reason why guys break up with me?”  Read more...

3 Comments on Around the Horn: Who wants an orgasm?!

SAF Seeking… No ‘Piss-takes’!

  • November 26, 2011 11:48 pm

I'm not naughty, I'm a proper girl!

Here it is, Thanksgiving weekend! I’m going to impress my man’s family! Oh yes I am! I am armed with my best green beans recipe and the secret to a Brown Betty crust that is to-die-for! I will be humorous and gracious! I will not talk about sex or politics or religion! I’m dressed in my Thanksgiving best! (Argle sweater with dark jeans: tasteful and casual, check!) I’m driving down the I-5 freeway from San Francisco to Los Angeles singing the Dixie Chicks “Landslide”at full volume! 5 1/2 hours til first impression made!

It’s dark. I like to drive long distances at night cuz I can hit 85 mph without fear of the dreaded CA Highway Patrol. (It’s when you hit 90 mph they become suspicious!)  Read more...

2 Comments on SAF Seeking... No 'Piss-takes'!

SAF Seeking… Colorblind mama

  • November 20, 2011 8:08 am

You have no idea what blinds mean to me now.

“Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!” My mom furiously flashed her middle finger through the mini-blinds of our living room. She did it right-side up, then sideways, then the other side, upside-down, and then right-side up so that I got it from all angles.

My mom wasn’t an OSCM or a Tiger Mom, my mom was an irrational screaming banshee.

I was in high school and it was one of those realizations that my mom was a nut head. You see, my mom was always paranoid. Seriously PARANOID. It made me wonder how immigration works in a head like hers, “I’m going to leave the Philippines where everyone dances with coconuts on their breasts and go to a country where everyday there’s rape and murder and crime! I can’t wait to become an American citizen!”  Read more...

7 Comments on SAF Seeking... Colorblind mama

SAF Seeking… Answers to Why?

  • November 14, 2011 8:31 am

“..And when I came home, all his stuff was gone,” my friend sniffed into the growing pile of tissue in her hand.

It was Sunday night, a clear and crisp night in San Francisco, and I was sitting at my friend ‘Julia’s $300,000 five hundred square foot studio with the $800/month HOA fees (just to give you an idea of SF real estate prices). It wasn’t meant to be a girls’ night, but when a friend calls you with that kind of news, the only thing that helps is ice cream, cookies, and Kleenex.

“He took all the pictures of us together that were on the refrigerator. He even took the paper heart he made me.” I looked around the room. (It really is just one room.) The refrigerator was bare. I remember it being covered with snapshots.  Read more...

4 Comments on SAF Seeking... Answers to Why?

SAF Seeking…. Mom and Dad’s Approval

  • November 6, 2011 1:47 pm

Oh, my EYES!


He wasn’t quite erect but he was aroused. Wait, was was THAT?! Oh, pardon me, he’s highly erect. And somehow, in his sleep-heavy haze, he’s somehow magically taken off his underwear. He is spooning me in his nakedness; I am fully clothed in my pink flannel jammies with the sledding, knit-cap wearing polar bears.. and now I have a ginormous fleshy pestle trying to pound my lower vertebrate into powder.

Feed my need!

I’m not quite awake, and you know when it’s sleepy sex… not quite awake to pamper and respond, not quite asleep to be oblivious. Just sex. Like two lions in the wild. No mating ritual required. No personality or technique needed. Just wham bam! and zzzzzzzz again. I don’t really want to wake up, I just want to feel the pleasure that he’s slightly too sleepy to realize he’s giving.  Read more...

5 Comments on SAF Seeking.... Mom and Dad's Approval

SAF Seeking… Hot Roommates and PMS thoughts

  • October 30, 2011 12:49 am

It started off with a giggle. In the background. And then a cry of “Stop it!” while faint laughter leaked through my iPhone’s speakers. My man chuckled a little on his end of the line.

“What’s that?” I try to throw the words off nonchalantly.

You see, I’m trying hard to not appear ‘crazy’. ‘Crazy’ is the worst thing a girl can be! “That girl’s a bitch” is a compliment in comparison to “That girl is CRAZY.” It’s like code for “you can sleep with her but don’t try to talk to her,” “definitely stalker material,” “she’s desperate, lonely, low self-esteemed, and erratic… yeah, I slept with her but that’s it. Cuz she’s craaaaazy.”  Read more...

5 Comments on SAF Seeking... Hot Roommates and PMS thoughts

SAF Seeking… Wake Up Call

  • October 23, 2011 7:40 am

It’s the greatest penis ever… and I’m afraid of it.

It’s like the Jesus penis, so great that it’s untouchable. So great that general worshiping isn’t enough, one must do missionary work in Uganda to earn the chance to see it in person. And sadly to say, I’m paralyzed by fear when it emerges.

Salty and sweet!!!

Now, yes folks, of course it’s just a penis. Your regular run-of-the-mill penis, just a tad bit smaller than a newborn’s arm, just a wee bit bigger than a fresh tamarind fruit. It’s color is flesh-colored, like somewhere in the range of human. Just a penis. Just an appendage that has no purpose but to inseminate and piss and occasionally cause some discomfort in tight yoga poses like Eagle.  Read more...

1 Comment on SAF Seeking... Wake Up Call

Are people naturally mean or naturally nice?

  • October 9, 2011 2:09 pm

When did people get so… mean?

Scenario #1:

Try having this girl as your wing partner at a bar...  Read more...

5 Comments on Are people naturally mean or naturally nice?

Hoarding… it’s a GOOD THING!

  • October 2, 2011 8:12 am

Hoarding used to be a good word. It meant squirrels and their nuts and long winters and boy, weren’t those squirrels mighty smart?!

What'd I do?!

I always thought that neat and tidy houses were a New-England thing… some kind of puritanical exorcism of dust. As a child, I never held a feather duster, we just wiped everything down with a ‘basahan’ (wet wash cloth). I thought only french maids used feather dusters and only to tease penises that were naughty.

ooh la la! Let me clean that for you!  Read more...

3 Comments on Hoarding... it's a GOOD THING!

Nature… And Vegas

  • September 25, 2011 4:00 am

Las Vegas… Why?

Someone PLEASE tell me, WHAT is the appeal of Las Vegas?

I know hundreds, at least 70% of the people I know, they all rave about Vegas. “Let’s go to Vegas!” are the four words out of every girl’s mouth when ‘bachelorette party’ is mentioned. Ugh. After a rather boring thrust mugging from a furry boot clad male stripper in ‘warrior’ wear sometime in the 90′s, I really could care less for partying in Vegas. 

But Vegas is the closest airport to Zion National Park and since I’m on my way to backpack the Narrows, I find myself among the clanging slot machines at McCarren International Airport.   Read more...

2 Comments on Nature... And Vegas

SAF Seeking… A Giant Leap of Faith

  • September 18, 2011 8:15 am


“I don’t want to move to LA!” the thought bounced in the empty caverns of my skull and screamed all the way up my forehead temples.

I was driving thru Sunland, a suburb outside LA proper: the sun was beating down in 87 degree sheets while a thousand free radicals attached themselves to my sunscreen-stained sweat. My left arm baked as I zipped along in the Man of my Dreams’ Toyota hybrid.

To me, the difference between the air in LA and the air in SF is similar to the difference between salt water and fresh water. Salt water is just a floater’s paradise, thousands of little plankton just swimming around in circles. Freshwater has minerals and maybe an errant microbe or two. That’s how the air in LA feels in my lungs: heavy with ocean sperm. It was one of the reasons I moved away.  Read more...

7 Comments on SAF Seeking... A Giant Leap of Faith

SAF Seeking…. The Price of Love

  • September 4, 2011 9:28 am

Oh yeah, baby yeah, yeah just like… STOP! FUCKIN’ STOP!”

I was IMPALED from the inside out!!! A sexual HERNIA!

It was supposed to be an extended holiday weekend of lascivious sex 20xs a day in various places in and around LA. My latest boytoy and I were planning to saddle up and ride each other until we didn’t know who was the cowboy and who was the cow. It was going to be a weekend of human juices oozing from all our pleasure orifices. It was a weekend of debaucery that Bacchus himself would be proud of.  Read more...

4 Comments on SAF Seeking.... The Price of Love

Words, Scripts, Acting

  • August 28, 2011 8:01 am

The beautiful thing about having been an actor for so long is that acting makes you love words.

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“Words words words!” to quote Hamlet… yes, words. Those pointless guttural utterances that drop from our mouths in a series of memorized consonants and vowels as dictated by the culture in which one has grown up; those sounds that can mean so much as they escape on our outward breath and be taken so wrong by the receiving party; those paltry makeshift canoes meant to navigate the deeper tumult of the river of our emotional core; words.  Read more...

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SAF Seeking… Long Distance Abdominals

  • August 14, 2011 9:08 pm

It’s a picture of him. Smiling on his sofa on a hot day and..and… he’s shirtless.

Hello Ladies...

Backlit by the light flowing in through the living room windows. Ab muscles. Like looking at the cover of a Myoplex box full of protein powder. Rectus abdominis that beg to be tickled and smoothed. Ab muscles that… were 400 miles away.

Because Isaiah Mustafa's abs weren't enough in one blog.

400 Fr*%#ckin’ miles away!!!! Why oh why couldn’t I have found a set of ab muscles I liked… RIGHT HERE?!?! Here, in the city of San Francisco; a city filled with tight ab muscles belonging to smart, successful men who want to do nothing more but massage women’s feet, share a great Sonoma syrah at Gary Danko, AND invents new apps for your upcoming 4th generation iPad WHILE preparing to make that gardening robot debut at Burning Man?  Read more...

2 Comments on SAF Seeking... Long Distance Abdominals

SAF Seeking… The Benefit of Friends

  • August 7, 2011 11:58 am
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“Let’s jump in the water over there.”

Oh my god, he’s naked! My best guy friend is naked! His glorious bum is this taut moon of delight! His stomach is a rippled mass of symmetrical ladder rungs! His thighs are like the thick pieces of graham crackers wrapped around melted marshmallow and chocolate. And if that thing in the middle of all that is the chocolate, it can definitely fall into my peanut butter. (If you’re born after 1987, please check the commercial above for reference.)

 Read more...

5 Comments on SAF Seeking... The Benefit of Friends