The 200 Million Dollar Tagger

  • February 7, 2012 3:57 am

On street artist David Choe’s website, he describes himself as “homeless, wandering the earth, making good art and bad music.”  He also says he “wants to retire early, illustrate the entire Bible and paint the entire Great Wall of China.”

Well, now he can do that.

When Facebook goes public, Choe stands to make 200 million dollars off some murals he did for the company back in 2005.  That’s when Sean Parker, Facebook’s founding president (y’know, the guy in “The Social Network” who told Zuckerberg to drop “the” from “thefacebook” and go with “facebook” because it was cooler?), commissioned the Korean American graffiti artist to paint the walls of Facebook’s first headquarters in Palo Alto.  Read more...

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The $100 Tip

  • February 3, 2012 4:18 am

There are two coffee houses in Berkeley where I do most of my writing, and they are both part of a small chain, Espresso Roma.

One store, in particular, I’ve been patronizing for over a decade (talk about low office overhead – it’s the most incredible deal in the world: for about five bucks, I get a view of Berkeley’s picturesque Elmwood neighborhood, a bagel and a mocha, and the place is big enough that I never feel like I’m taking up valuable real estate – I can loiter as long as I want).  So, at say, five days a week, that’s twenty days a month, at $5/day.

Yup, I pay $100/month for my office, breakfast included.  Read more...

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Cynthia Nixon and the Gay Gene

  • January 31, 2012 4:54 am

Damn, why did she have to go and say that?

In a recent New York Times Magazine profile, actress Cynthia Nixon, best known for playing Miranda on “Sex and the City,” said that being gay was a conscious choice for her.

“I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me.  A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out.”

I cringe.  I cringe because if it’s seen as a choice, there are plenty of people out there who will tell you it’s a bad choice, and will write nasty little laws to let you know just how they feel.  Read more...

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Don’t Forget To Say Thank You

  • January 27, 2012 4:11 am

Last night we took our two managers out for a nice dinner to thank them for helping us have a good 2011, and to toast what we hope will be an even better 2012.

I co-own two Oakland bars, The Ruby Room and Radio, with two other guys, and I often have to remind myself not to be stingy with praise.  It’s just in my nature and how I was raised: when good things happen, I savor it for a millisecond, then put my nose back to the grindstone and plow forward.

Sure, that last thing you accomplished was good, but what next?  How are you going to top it?  Read more...

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What To Do When You Forget Somebody’s Name, But They Remember Yours

  • January 24, 2012 4:01 am

This happens at least once a week.  I walk into the bar I co-own and get about 30 feet in when I hear a voice…

“Hey, Fredo!”

“Ohmigod, hey man, how are you doing?”

“Awesome.  Chillin’.  Haven’t been out too much, though.”

“Me neither….wow, it’s great to see you.”

“You too.”

A moment passes as we figure out what to say next and, more importantly, I desperately rack my brain for the guy’s name.   He’s in that band, right, or, wait, no, maybe he’s the tattoo artist.  Shit.

“So,” I ask tentatively, “you still making music?”

“Yeah, we’ve got a gig at the Uptown next Wednesday.  You should come.   Hoi Polloi’s playing, and they’ve got the bassist from Rocket from the Crypt.”  Read more...

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Pro Athletes Have The Best Names

  • January 20, 2012 4:29 am

Forget about Apple, Banjo, Blue Angel, Camera, Jazz Domino, Diva Muffin, Puma, Tabooger, Ocean, Zowie Bowie, or Pilot Inspektor (well, maybe not Pilot Inspektor – what were Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf thinking?), because musicians and actors have got nothing on pro athletes.

+

+

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ding, ding, ding! Yes, it's Jacquizz Rodgers!

We live in the Bay Area – the Oakland side – and since we won’t be able to root for the Raiders this playoff season, my fifteen year old son Rafael and I have decided to jump on the 49ers bandwagon.  But it’s hard to muster much umph for a QB named Alex Smith.  Read more...

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Old School Candy

  • January 17, 2012 4:27 am

I have a sweet tooth and the two root canals to prove it.

The witching hour – 2 pm – 3 pm – absolutely demands a fix of sugar and caffeine.  For me it’s a candy bar and diet coke, a habit I’m delighted to say I’ve shared with one of our fellow Offenders to his ruinous benefit.  He looks forward to my visits if for no other reason than he can blame me for making that stop at CVS to get jacked up.

“If Alfredo wasn’t here, this never would’ve happened,” he explains to mutual friends we run into, who catch us with chocolate smeared on our mouths, which we try to wipe away with jittery hands.  Read more...

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The Bet

  • January 13, 2012 4:31 am

Here’s the bet: if the Broncos win the Superbowl, and Tebow is named MVP, my 15 year old son Rafael will “convert to whatever religion Tebow is, but not as devoted as him, because that’s not possible.”

And as we all know, ever since the NFL banned eye black Bible references because of Tebow (John 3:16), he’s a Christian.

Me, I’m a fence sitting wannabe doubting Catholic (well, “doubting’s” a bit of a gloss: I’m 90% atheist, 10% agnostic, and somewhere in that 10% I concede that God may exist), but then again, last Sunday, even though he wasn’t allowed to write “3:16” on his face, Tebow did throw for 316 yards in his, ahem, miraculous win against the heavily favored Steelers.  Read more...

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Where Do You Stand On Public Nudity?

  • January 10, 2012 4:35 am

Nudist sightings are no big deal in my neck of the woods.

I’ve lived in or near Berkeley the last twenty years, and the fumes of 60’s counterculturalism still waft through the air here: on the same block it’s not unusual for me to see street vendors selling tie dyed T-shirts, old hippies reading Karl Marx, crunchy skatepunkers panhandling for change, people selling way-left-of-left bumper stickers, and yes, the occasional naked person strolling about.

When I was in school, there was a guy, Andrew Martinez, who made headlines for showing up to class in nothing more than a bandana, and sometimes not even that.

   Read more...

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The Litmus Test

  • January 6, 2012 4:54 am

Maybe “Litmus Test” is the wrong expression here, ’cause is there really a wrong answer?   Maybe “What’s Your Type?” cuts more to the chase, especially for anyone who watched way too much TV  growing up and who can see age 30 comfortably in their rear view mirror.

Okay, so you’re locked in a room with one of these two women, and only one of them can stay.  Who makes the cut?

GINGER

OR MARYANNE?

DAPHNE

OR VELMA?

KATE

OR FARRAH?

 Read more...

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The Allowance Question

  • January 3, 2012 4:46 am

When my older son Rafael was eight years old, he came home from school one day and announced that he would be asking for a raise in his allowance.  He cited, as precedent, the circumstances of his best friend.

“Felix gets ten dollars a week.”

“Really?” I asked.  Rafael was receiving eight at the time.

“I think so,” said Rafael.

I think so.

Right then I knew Rafi was either lying or uncertain or just wishing.  When Felix came over to the house the next time, I asked him what he got for his allowance.

“Five dollars, if I do all my chores.”

 Read more...

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A Vasectomy, Pain, and the Toll on a Marriage

  • December 30, 2011 4:49 am

I beg your forgiveness in advance, dear reader – as you might’ve guessed by the title, this isn’t exactly holiday fare, and it’s a bit long – but for anyone thinking about permanent birth control, or living with ongoing pain, this is my gift to you.

I had my vasectomy on a Friday afternoon six years ago – Friday the 13th, actually.

A few things I remember about that half hour in the doctor’s office: the female nurse shaving my testicles without water or shaving cream; the deep bite marks I left on the colored block of wood I brought along with me (borrowed from my son’s toy block set); the doctor adding extra cc’s of lidocaine to my left testicle because, as he put it, it was “tougher” than the right side; and the long puddle of sweat I left on the examination table.  Read more...

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Best Victory Celebrations: Touchdowns vs. Soccer Goals

  • December 27, 2011 4:32 am

My fifteen year old son Rafael’s DVR season passes include No Huddle, Sound FX, NFL Total Access, NFL Fantasy Live,The League, The Rich Eisen Podcast, and The Coach Show.

My DVR season passes include the Spanish Primera Division Soccer, Oh My Gol!, Bundesliga Soccer, and the UEFA Europa League Soccer.

I was born in Spain.

My son was born in the U.S. of A.

But whether you like or despise universal health care, like or despise a big military, like or despise stinky cheeses, I think we can all agree that NFL player Joe Horn’s “cell phone” celebration is the best victory celebration on either continent.

 Read more...

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The Best 80′s Christmas Song That Isn’t “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”

  • December 25, 2011 4:13 am

If you existed anywhere near L.A. in the 80′s, and listented to K-ROQ any time at all in the month of December, then you know what I’m talking about.  It’s The Waitresses’ holiday masterpiece, “Christmas Wrapping:”

This isn’t just bubblegum pop: The Spice Girls covered it in 1998, and the character of Brittany sang it on an episode of “Glee” this year.

So…um…uh…yeah, maybe it is bubblegum pop, but it’s damn fine bubblegum pop.

The Waitresses, best known for another K-ROQ classic, “I Know What Boys Like,” hailed from Akron, Ohio, along with sui generis new wave oddballs Devo (must be something in the water).

 Read more...

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Ho-Ho-Ho-rrible!

  • December 23, 2011 4:41 am

Christmas shopping is a tinsel covered nightmare.

The endless spots on TV would have you believe it’s just a light hearted, fun filled chance to bathe the ones you love in the warmth you’ve been building up all year.  Bullshit.  Christmas shopping is a pop quiz, a trick question, a trap designed to reveal whether you really know another person or not.  The pressure is enormous, the stakes sky high.

Here’s how Christmas shopping went for us this year.  Read more...

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Saint Lohan

  • December 20, 2011 4:38 am

I have trouble holding two opposing thoughts in my brain at the same time: how can magnets pull at each other when you face them one way, yet repel each other when you face them the other way?  Why, as you get older, would evolution add hair to your back while taking it away from the top of your head?  What’s the deal with Log Cabin Republicans?

And how is it that, on the same day, I read about Lindsay Lohan’s judge praising her for finally showing up to her community service after four years of DUI’s and probation violations, when, at the same time, punk rock kids in Aceh, Indonesia, are arrested and detained for ten days for the grave offense of having mohawks?  Read more...

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A White Lie

  • December 16, 2011 4:57 am

While talking to my father on the phone last Sunday, I lied.

He lives in Spain and we talk four times a year: Christmas, his birthday, and after the Real Madrid-Barcelona soccer matches – the “Classicos” – which are played twice a year.

Alfredo Sr. is getting older and has heart problems.  I love his voice, his thick Spanish accent and story teller’s cadence.  I have a message he left on our answering machine several months ago and I still haven’t erased it.

After we talked about the Classico (Barcelona beat Real Madrid 3-1, by the way), he asked me if I remember the time when I was about ten or eleven, when he tied a rope to the bumper of his 1971 Dodge Dart and towed me up a winding road in Griffith Park toward the Hollywood sign.  Read more...

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Why Can’t Real Life Villains Be Black And White?

  • December 13, 2011 4:48 am

I should never have read past the headline.

“Suspect, Jail Share Same Name.”

Perfect.  Done.  Just add a touch of snark and call it a day.

On Wednesday, November 30, retired Colorado sheriff Patrick J. Sullivan Jr. was booked into the jail named after him: the Patrick J. Sullivan Jr. Detention Facility.  Nice.

I can only assume he got a corner cell with a view.

Sullivan, 68, was arrested on a charge of “the unlawful distribution, manufacturing, dispensing or sale of a controlled substance.”  The controlled substance was meth, and Sullivan preferred the barter system to cash.

In exchange for the drug, the married ex-sheriff demanded sex from his male customers.  Read more...

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I Can Always Tell When My Kids Don’t Wash Their Hands With Soap

  • December 9, 2011 4:43 am

If I wasn’t guilty of it myself now and again, I’d probably crack down harder.  The thing I’m not cracking down on enough is one of the most common of petty household crimes: fake hand washing.

You run the water, you pass your fingers under it, but you don’t really lather up and properly clean your hands.

I usually wait for my sons, 11 year old Gabriel, and 15 year old Rafael, to commit the offense before I call them on it.  Bleeding heart liberal that I am, I don’t believe in “prior restraint.”

Rafael, say, will go into the bathroom, and, when he’s finished taking care of his business, I’ll hear him turn on the water.  Not three seconds later, the water goes off.  The minute he steps out of the bathroom….  Read more...

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Dumb It Down Asians!

  • December 6, 2011 4:48 am

So you’re a 17 year old high school student, your GPA is 4.0, you’ve scored 2150 out of a possible 2400 on the SAT (something you call “pretty low”), and you’re filling out your application to Harvard.  You get to the section where you have to check off your race.  Your father is of Norwegian ancestry, and your mother immigrated from Taiwan.  Your name is Lanya Olmstead.

What box do you check?

“I didn’t want to put Asian down,” explained Olmstead, “because my mom told me there’s discrimination against Asians in the application process.”

Olmstead checked “white.”

Could this be a case of reverse affirmative action?  Of Asians being punished just because they’re doing too damn well?  Read more...

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