This incident still gets me. Although it happened a couple of weeks ago, I still replay the images in my head. I run into these types of people now and again, and let me tell ya, it’s always a mix of hilarity, rage and pure befuddlement. Allow me to explain my recent run-in with the “sensitive pony-tail man!” Allow me to preface that 9 out of 10 times, the sensitive pony-tailed man, or SPTM, is usually a white dude, but I have met other iterations of Asian, Latino, etc. And 9 out 10 times, they’re usually douches — self righteous yahoos who think they are citizens of the world, limit their carbon foot print, drink fair trade coffee, carry a water bottle with them everywhere, and are vegan. Now keep in mind that these qualities are all fine and good and well intentioned peeps, but SPTMs do this solely to feel good about themselves and chase young, impressionable ass. Plus, the SPTM doesn’t even need a pony tail to be a SPTM, but he might as well should have one.  So, onto my story of the SPTM at my parent’s house a couple of weeks ago…

This incident still gets me. Although it happened a couple of weeks ago, I still replay the images in my head. I run into these types of people now and again, and let me tell ya, it’s always a mix of hilarity, rage and pure befuddlement. Allow me to explain my recent run-in with the “sensitive pony-tail man!”  

Allow me to preface that 9 out of 10 times, the sensitive pony-tailed man, or SPTM, is usually a white dude, but I have met other iterations of Asian, Latino, etc. And 9 out 10 times, they’re usually douches — self righteous yahoos who think they are citizens of the world, limit their carbon foot print, drink fair trade coffee, carry a water bottle with them everywhere, and are vegan. Now keep in mind that these qualities are all fine and good and well intentioned peeps, but SPTMs do this solely to feel good about themselves and chase young, impressionable ass. So, onto my story of the SPTM at my parent’s house a couple of weeks ago…

I worked on a major project that was a major success. Pat on the back! It was a grueling few months but the team that pulled it off was amazing. Therefore, I decided to hold a BBQ at my parent’s house, with my mom’s help, of course. She being of small stature and Vietnamese, my mom is one heck of a culinary maestro, especially when it came to Viet BBQ. So, I invited my team (SPTM was part of this team). Knowing that some of the folks were vegetarians, I informed them that this is a BBQ and expect to eat meat, or there will be a papaya salad prepared. Anyway, SPTM texts me and asks if he can bring a “lady friend.” Sure, whatever, no problem. 
My mother, bless her heart, whips up some kick ass kal-bi, bun cha (vietnamese style BBQ with fish sauce and veggies), papaya salad, and some grilled prawns. She goes all out! Sounds delicious, right? Well, it was!
My guests come over and then SPTM shows up with his lady friend. My mom greets them at the door, and I’m in the living room talking to some folks and see him from the corner of my eye. I walk over and then I stop, aghast at the social faux pas happening before my eyes. I kid you not, SPTM bows, like he’s entering a dojo, and then speaks slowly and loudly, “NICE..TO..MEET..YOU!”, as if my mom is deaf and fresh off the boat. Um.. yeah. I was blown away and about to react harshly, but then heck, I gave his a pass on this one. The BBQ was to celebrate a job well done and frankly, SPTM was instrumental in this team. 
So, we move to the backyard, and start conversing with other co-workers. We’re all having a good time and I start grabbing beers out of the cooler. I ask if anyone wants a brew and here comes incident #2… However, this time it wasn’t SPTM, but his lady friend! She asks, “I don’t drink beer from any conglomerates. Only micro-brews.” I was like, okay. All I got is Heineken, Bud Light and Stella Artois. When I tell her no, then she sees some bottled water and asks for an Evian. HUH?!? 
Does she not know that water is the new oil? But, I hold my tongue and although this strike was not directly caused by SPTM, I blame him anyway, because he brought her over! 
So, grilling commences and wonderful aromas start wafting through the air. Ahh, grilled meat! Now, SPTM and another kid from Chicago, are the only two vegetarians at the BBQ. I ask them if they want some papaya salad now. Chicago kid says yes but SPTM interrupts me asking if my mom is making any traditional “oriental” cuisine. Well, he didn’t say oriental but it sure came out that way. I say, “yes” and then he proclaims he sometimes eats meat for the “cultural experience.” Oh brother. He then narrates his recent backpacking trip through Tibet and India and yadda yadda…
As my mom starts placing food on the table, she looks at SPTM and in Vietnamese asks me, “What’s the deal with that guy?” I tell her, “Anh ay la tay ba lo” (translation: “He’s a western backpacker”). She got it immediately. 
So people start serving themselves, grabbing delicious kal-bi, SPTM asks if it was a traditional Vietnamese dish. I said, “no, it’s Korean.” He was perplexed, as in wondering why a Vietnamese household would serve Korean dishes? Seriously. I told him, “It’s not Vietnamese, so you won’t get the cultural experience.” I could see some of my other co-workers snicker behind him. 
Soon, the bun cha arrives and my mom starts explaining how to eat it and she starts pouring fish sauce over some grilled pork. SPTM asks, “What’s that sauce?” 
My mom says, “it’s fish sauce. The Vietnamese word is nuoc mam.” 
He then goes, “oh so is it pork fish?”
My mom is confused. Heck, we’re all confused. Testing my patience, I half jokingly say, ” Hey man, you’ve never been to a Vietnamese or Thai restaurant?” 
He says he’s been many times. He eats pad thai. But he’s never heard of fish sauce and the idea of it makes him kind of queasy. Hey, what about the cultural experience, dude? It’s not like I’m serving him monkey testicles!And that’s when SPTM went straight for the Costco veggie platter that another co-worker brought to the house. SPTM chickened out because of the fish sauce. Luckily, the SPTM and lady friend made it an early night and left. Most likely heading to Whole Foods for a quick veggie wrap to go. 
Now, why am I so harsh against the SPTM? Sometimes I have to look in the mirror and remind myself that I was once him! In college. I was a SPTM. I had an actual ponytail, I was pretentious, pseudo-intelligent, and followed PHISH and attended two Lilith Fair concerts. Because hey, I was also chasing tail too, so why not go after hippie chicks, right? Ugh, the modus operandi of the SPTM is so apparent

"I'll eat meat for the cultural experience."

I worked on a major project that was a major success. Pat on the back! It was a grueling few months but the team that pulled it off was amazing. Therefore, I decided to hold a BBQ at my parent’s house, with my mom’s help, of course. She being of small stature and Vietnamese, my mom is one heck of a culinary maestro, especially when it came to Viet BBQ. So, I invited my team (SPTM was part of this team). Knowing that some of the folks were vegetarians, I informed them that this is a BBQ and expect to eat meat, or there will be a papaya salad prepared. Anyway, SPTM texts me and asks if he can bring a “lady friend.” Sure, whatever, no problem. 

My mother, bless her heart, whips up some kick ass kal-bi, bun cha (vietnamese style BBQ with fish sauce and veggies), papaya salad, and some grilled prawns. She goes all out! Sounds delicious, right? Well, it was!

My guests come over and then SPTM shows up with his lady friend. My mom greets them at the door, and I’m in the living room talking to some folks and see him from the corner of my eye. I walk over and then I stop, aghast at the social faux pas happening before my eyes. I kid you not, SPTM bows, like he’s entering a dojo, and then speaks slowly and loudly, “NICE..TO..MEET..YOU!”, as if my mom is deaf and fresh off the boat. Um.. yeah. I was blown away and about to react harshly, but then heck, I gave his a pass on this one. The BBQ was to celebrate a job well done and frankly, SPTM was instrumental in this team. 

So, we move to the backyard, and start conversing with other co-workers. We’re all having a good time and I start grabbing beers out of the cooler. I ask if anyone wants a brew and here comes incident #2… However, this time it wasn’t SPTM, but his lady friend! She asks, “I don’t drink beer from any conglomerates. Only micro-brews.” I was like, okay. All I got is Heineken, Bud Light and Stella Artois. When I tell her no, then she sees some bottled water and asks for an Evian. HUH?!? 

Does she not know that water is the new oil? But, I hold my tongue and although this strike was not directly caused by SPTM, I blame him anyway, because he brought her over! 

So, grilling commences and wonderful aromas start wafting through the air. Ahh, grilled meat! Now, SPTM and another kid from Chicago, are the only two vegetarians at the BBQ. I ask them if they want some papaya salad now. Chicago kid says yes but SPTM interrupts me asking if my mom is making any traditional “oriental” cuisine. Well, he didn’t say oriental but it sure came out that way. I say, “yes” and then he proclaims he sometimes eats meat for the “cultural experience.” Oh brother. He then narrates his recent backpacking trip through Tibet and India and yadda yadda… What also gets me and accentuates my argument that he’s a douche, is his clipped diction. It’s as if he’s a serial killer… Or Kevin Spacey talking in front of me.

As my mom starts placing food on the table, she looks at SPTM and in Vietnamese asks me, “What’s the deal with that guy?” I tell her, “Anh ay la tay ba lo” (translation: “He’s a western backpacker”). She got it immediately. 

So people start serving themselves, grabbing delicious kal-bi, SPTM asks if it was a traditional Vietnamese dish. I said, “no, it’s Korean.” He was perplexed, as in wondering why a Vietnamese household would serve Korean dishes? Seriously. I told him, “It’s not Vietnamese, so you won’t get the cultural experience.” I could see some of my other co-workers snicker behind him. 

Soon, the bun cha arrives and my mom starts explaining how to eat it and she starts pouring fish sauce over some grilled pork. SPTM asks, “What’s that sauce?” 

My mom says, “it’s fish sauce. The Vietnamese word is nuoc mam.” 

He then goes, “oh so is it pork fish?”

My mom is confused. Heck, we’re all confused. Testing my patience, I half jokingly say, ” Hey man, you’ve never been to a Vietnamese or Thai restaurant?” 

He says he’s been many times. He eats pad thai. But he’s never heard of fish sauce and the idea of it makes him kind of queasy. Hey, what about the cultural experience, dude? It’s not like I’m serving him monkey testicles!And that’s when SPTM went straight for the Costco veggie platter that another co-worker brought to the house. SPTM chickened out because of the fish sauce. Luckily, the SPTM and lady friend made it an early night and left. Most likely heading to Whole Foods for a quick veggie wrap to go. 

Now, why am I so harsh against the SPTM? Sometimes I have to look in the mirror and remind myself that I was once him! In college. I was a SPTM. I had an actual ponytail, I was pretentious, pseudo-intelligent, and followed PHISH and attended two Lilith Fair concerts. Because hey, I was also chasing tail too, so why not go after hippie chicks, right? Ugh, the modus operandi of the SPTM is so apparent to me.