A woman is like a ninja.  Her body the perfect weapon, able to effortlessly dispatch even the hardest of men with casual simplicity.  She is born with a natural arsenal in which to choose and depending upon her intent, can flirt, seduce, liquify, or terminate her opposites at will.  Instead of tonfas, swords, throwing stars, and bamboo darts dipped in blowfish toxin, the modern, woman ninja possesses weaponry of mind, breast, shoulder, tummy, persona, tongue, etc.  21st century steel is no match when compared to the flesh of a woman ninja.  Not even close.

i will seduce you with my mind and hypnotize you with my bodice...

As much as I fear the woman ninja, I simultaneously desire her.  It’s like superman wanting to make love to Lois Lane after she secretly smoothed on Kryptonite body lotion.  The allure is beyond temptation but indulging in it will instantly vaporize any man’s nut sack and mojo.  A frank with no beans is a useless stalk, so they say.  But as my wise, one-eyed grandfather of the Shaolin once told me before my departure into the modern world, “Grandson, it is your destiny to make love to the woman ninja no matter how painful.  It is through this great pain that you will find your truest self.  Just make sure to practice safe sex and say thank you.”  My one-eyed grandfather was a wise man indeed…

I have engaged these women ninjas many a time.  Black, brown, yellow, white…they are all the same…ninja.  One thing I know for sure – I am no match for even their most basic of weaponry.  I will share with you what I know.  Take from it what you will.  Learn from it.  Use it.  Share it.  Train others.  Survive…

1)  The Shoulders. So deadly.  They keep them hidden underneath work clothes, casual T’s, and pashmina scarfs.  But when they want to get your attention, they unveil them in running bras, tanks, bikinis, sun dresses, or tube tops.  Just a glimpse is enough to give a man a chubby.  Show the whole thing and a pavlovian response of man dork and loss of diction is guaranteed.  The more tan the better.  Unless, of course, you are in western/northern europe where a nice pale shoulder with a sprinkling of freckles will suffice.  What it is about the bare shoulder is beyond logic.  They make any hetero man want to just handle them like a half rack of baby back ribs.  Hold the sauce please…

shoulders can be dangerous...

2) The Back.  Ohhhhhhh.  This usually comes in conjunction with the unveiling of the shoulders.  The greater the percentage of back flesh exposed, the greater the hypnotic effect.  The only buzz kill would be the presence of zits or hair.  But most woman ninjas know their weapons intimately and would not make such an amature mistake.  The deadliest use of this exposed back technique is through a casual hug – an action that can screw with you big time because it feels like you are hugging a naked ninja.  To touch the back of a ninja is as deadly as stepping on a stone fish.  By the time you know it, you are dead.

the back attack

3) The Tongue.  Do not judge a weapon’s effectiveness by it’s size.  Sometimes the tiniest, little thing can make the greatest of impressions (so I’ve heard).  Beyond the obvious, the most powerful use of a woman ninja’s tongue is during the casual.  A simple smile and cute teeth bite with 1/8 tongue sandwiched in between can raise the temperature of any hetero man’s heart and groin.  And let us not even discuss when the one-tentacled kraken is unleashed upon a man’s bodice.  It’s like being licked by a lusty centaur with the bust of Megan Fox, it’s tongue leaving lines of passion which will burn for eternity.

right anatomy. wrong species

4)  The Boobies.  More commonly referred to as breasts, the boobies are truly a gift from God and a weapon of Satan.  So dangerous they are that mankind had to invent fashionable restraining apparatus such as bras, corsets, and tight fitting negliges in order to maintain social order.  As babies we suckled them, taking in the milk of life to grow smart, strong, and wise.  But as adults, the same life-giving vessels turn into hypnotic weapons of lust that render virtually every man retarded, limp, and retardeder.  Show some bump under a shirt or sweater and the woman ninja’s chest instantly becomes a beacon of hope on a foggy night.  A plunging neckline or a button down?  Game over.  Any display of fleshy cleavage, even if just a conservative peekaboo, will serve to liquify that small organ in the head called a man brain.  And if a woman ninja is truly cruel and is devil-possessed, she will go out of her way to unveil the ultimate sexual armageddon – the boobie tan line.  It is a lethal poison that no man can survive…

Expelliarmus boobies!

The list above is but a small sampling of the most basic of the woman ninja arsenal.  It is, to say the least, impressive.  And though the term “woman ninja” has an asian flavor to it, just know that a woman ninja knows no ethnic boundaries.  All women are woman ninjas.  Some know it and some don’t.  Either way, all women possess these great powers.  Some use it for good, some use it for bad, and some use it to be very, very bad (which is really, really good).

With great power comes great responsibility.  Be gentle lady ninjas, for we men bruise easily…

woman ninja. it's in you...