I should start off by saying, yes, what I’m about to write is somewhat hypocritical. I am Asian American and I have indeed eaten at Panda Express. On multiple occasions in fact. Sometimes even I get that unmistakeable orange chicken craving. All in all, I think Panda Express is a fine dining establishment.
So why am I writing a blog venting about Asians eating at Panda Express?
Let me provide some context first. Regular readers of this blog know that the YOMYOMF Network world headquarters is located in South Pasadena, California, which is just northeast of the metropolitan Los Angeles in the San Gabriel Valley. For those not familiar with the SGV, it is a mecca for all things Asian and is home to some of the best Chinese food you are likely to find anywhere (well, at least outside of Asia). Now, South Pasadena is fairly white bread, but just minutes away you have Alhambra, Arcadia, San Gabriel and Monterey Park—where the aforementioned best Chinese food can be found. This is the 626, bitches!
And my rant must be best understood in that context. There is a Panda Express a few blocks from our office and on this fine, crisp evening as I was taking an evening stroll; I passed by this neighborhood Panda Express. It was dinnertime and the place was packed and when I took a quick peek inside, I saw a good number of Asian faces enjoying their meal.
And that was when I felt that burning sensation rising in my gut—I found myself getting angry at those Asian faces in that Panda Express. Again, I understand there’s a degree of hypocrisy in this, but come on—you’re just minutes from the best Chinese food anywhere, why the hell are you eating at Panda Express? I can understand the white folks being there ‘cause they don’t know better, but my fellow Asian peeps?!! Why?!
If this were someplace like Burbank where the best Chinese food is probably going to be found at Panda Express, I can understand your choice, but you’re in the freakin’ San Gabriel Valley!
Choosing to eat at Panda Express in the San Gabriel Valley is like being married to Salma Hayek and choosing to masturbate instead of having sex with her. Or it’s like being married to Scarlett Johansson and choosing to masturbate instead of having sex with her. Or being married to Maggie Q and choosing to masturbate instead of having sex with her. Sorry, I can’t think of a non-sexual metaphor at the moment but I think I’ve made my point, thank you very much!
And don’t give me the bullshit argument that Panda Express is fast, cheap and convenient. Have you been to some of the best places in the San Gabriel Valley—they’re just as fast, cheap and convenient if not more. Again, it’s like being married to Halle Berry and choosing to masturbate instead of having sex with her.
So my fellow Asians of the San Gabriel Valley, put down that plastic spork, shove aside that peppercorn shrimp, stop your culinary masturbation and make your ancestors proud. A whole new world awaits.