I finally have my answer: Starbucks employees are not all replicants. They’re human. And some of them are really funny humans. Humans like 25 year old Christopher Cristwell:

After posting this video on youtube, was Christoper lauded by management for having the courage to say what every other employee was thinking? Was he promoted for taking initiative and thinking outside the box? Was his creativity and good taste in underwear rewarded with a raise and extra free lattes?

No.  He was fired.

Starbucks released this statement: “While Christopher was expressing his own views in the video, the disparaging remarks about our customers and company are unacceptable and out of line with our commitment to our customers and partners (employees).”

Funny, I thought the patronizing word for employee was “associate.”

So “partner,” eh? A partner is someone who shares in profits. Wonder how much of Starbucks 2010 net revenue of 10.7 billion dollars “partner” Cristwell would’ve been entitled to had he not expressed his own views?

So how did Cristwell handle his firing?

With exactly the class you’d expect from a guy who made up the line “Hey rich white lady, I already know what you want, you wanna skinny vanilla latte, young debutante. Well, that drink won’t make you skinny, you have to work for that, and just in case you’re wondering, I just called you fat.”

It rhymes; it’s pithy; it captures a mood. Last time I checked, that’s called poetry.

“You made me get my ass up at the asscrack of dawn.”

Here’s what Cristwell had to say about his former corporate overlords:

“They were really cool about it,” Cristwell said of the firing. “The regional manager complimented me on my creative ability – not on that specific song – and then asked me why I did it.”

His answer: “I’m not trying to say it’s a healthy song, but it’s definitely satire.”

Venting your frustrations about annoying customers instead of getting an ulcer or shooting up the place?

In my book, that’s very healthy.

“I really don’t wanna care, but I get paid to try.”

Yes! Of course!

This is such a huge relief to me. I had always been curious about Starbucks’ hiring policy. How do they find such nauseatingly chipper people to work there? Whether I’m in downtown San Francisco or out in the middle of nowhere on the I-5, their barristas, to a person, are ebullient, outgoing, polite, enthusiastic, bouncy.

In a word, inhuman.

My mind had run riot trying to figure this out: I speculated about the existence of secret boot camps where they broke your spirit down, then rebuilt it in the Starbucks image.  Or maybe they held barristas’ families hostage in a vast underground compound, demanding impossible cheer in return for not killing your loved ones. Or perhaps they sent out scouts to recruit from Christian youth groups.

But now I know. They’re just people.

While his ultimate goal is to become an EMT, Cristwell has more immediate concerns: “I have bills to pay and I hope the video doesn’t affect my ability to get hired.”

Mr. Cristwell, please contact me immediately. I will hire you as lead bartender yesterday. I guarantee you that in one four hour shift, you will make more in tips at either of my dive bars than you do all week at Starbucks, plus the most complicated drink on our cocktail menu won’t take you a quarter of the time it takes to make a frappucino.

And as to insulting customers?  So long as it’s done cleverly, I’m all for it.

Oh: and do bring your guitar.