Our old friend Arizona governor Jan Brewer signed new legislation last Thursday titled the Women’s Health and Safety Act which basically says a woman is considered pregnant two weeks before she actually conceives.

Huh? What’cha talkin’ about, Brewer?

The new bill was actually sponsored by Arizona State Rep Kimberly Yee who I’m sure must be proud to be such a role model to women and Asian Americans everywhere.

Women’s rights activists have rightly blasted the law as the nations’ “most extreme piece of anti-abortion legislation” since the timeline created by this new definition will allow more severe restrictions and bans on abortion in the state. But the even more disturbing question this new law raises is—how the hell can you be pregnant two weeks before you’ve even done the nasty?! How does that even make sense? How is that anything but completely idiotic?

Well, I’m going to step up and defend the good Rep. Yee on this because, well, that’s just the kind of guy I am. While the rest of us unevolved mortals can only see time as a one-way linear thing where such a definition appears to be nothing but pure bullshit nonsense, Rep. Yee is so far evolved that she sees time for what it truly is—a non-linear thing that can flow back and forth, at any speed it wants and can even exist at multiple locations at once.

Further confused? Oh, you feeble-minded peons, let me explain it to you in the simplest of terms:

According to quantum physics, Einstein’s theory of relativity and cosmic string theory, every moment in time exists in the here and now so yesterday is as real as today as is tomorrow—all perfectly co-existing in different planes of reality simultaneously like the different stories of the Empire State Building exist one on top of each other even though you cannot see the floor above you or below you while you’re on the floor you are on but nevertheless they are still there at the same time and same space and furthermore time is like a Mobius strip that twists and turns in on itself like a perfectly formed red ribbon that is tied in such a way that if you start walking from one side of the ribbon to the other (provided the said ribbon was large enough to allow you to walk on it) you could walk up and down the loops and end up in the same place you started out from even though you were moving forward with no sense or awareness that you were moving backwards at the same time sort of like trying to walk up on the down escalator where you feel like you’re heading up but the escalator keeps going down preventing you from making any movement even though you are moving and wait, this is a stupid analogy so let’s go with something else like imagine a leaf floating down a river, you’d think that leaf would continue to flow downriver but supposing a burst of strong wind blew against it pushing the leaf back to where it started so in a way if the river was like the stream of time and the leaf represented you or me, it’d be like the leaf aka you or me traveled back in time which just blew my mind thinking about that and the possibilities just like that movie from the 80s where that one dude goes back in time and has sex with that chick and she ends up giving birth to a son who will grow up to be the man who travels back in time and fathers himself creating a time paradox which is totally mind-blowing and reminds me that I’ve been meaning to re-watch Terminator so I should remind myself to put the dvd in my Netflix queue—so here is my reminder to put Terminator in my Netflix queue.

And that is why according to the laws of higher physics, it is possible to get pregnant two weeks before you actually conceive. Thank you, Rep. Yee and Governor Brewer, for making us feel that much smarter.