An Open Letter to Young, Sex-Hating Japanese Males

Dear young Japanese male:

According to a recent government survey, 35.1 percent of Japanese males aged 16-19 said they are not interested in or even “averse” to sex. That’s more than double the 17.5 percent of Japanese men who responded in the same way in 2008. That means a whopping one-third of you, in the prime years of your sexual horniness, don’t care about or even hate sex. What the fuck?!

Now, the Japanese government is concerned about this statistic because the national birth rate stands at 1.21 babies per family, which is below the 2.08 babies necessary to maintain a “stable” population. But personally, I don’t care about that. I’m more concerned about the fact that you hate sex.

When I was your age, all I could think about was sex. It was all sex, all the time. Even things that had nothing to do with sex in any way whatsoever would still make me think of sex. Like this:

And this:

And these:

I just don’t get it. I had no control over my hormones at that age. I couldn’t not not think about sex even if I wanted to. So what’s wrong with you guys? I’d understand it if you lived someplace like Russia where the average woman bears a striking resemblance to Bigfoot only slightly hairier, but Japanese women are smoking hot! And we all know how much they enjoy doing stuff like putting on schoolgirl uniforms and making-out with each other:

Or walking slowly up the stairs:

Come on, that’s got to turn you on! You’re a teenager! It’s normal. Not only that, but you’re willingly becoming the living embodiment of the stereotype of the asexual Asian males. And we can’t have that. Not on my watch.

Initially when I heard about this story, I was confused because, as regular readers of this blog know, the Japanese are responsible for some freaky and wild sexual things. Surely, a people who can even think to invent something like a “virgin” sex doll with a pop-able hymen must have mucho sex on their brains.

But then I began to realize—maybe that’s the very problem.

Why have a relationship with a real woman when you can have a relationship with a 2-D body pillow that’ll never talk back to you and do exactly what you want?

Why have sex with a real woman when you can do it with a masturbation machine that promises to be better than the real thing?

Why go to a brothel with human prostitutes when you can just as easily go to a brothel where all the hookers are high-quality blow-up dolls?

Look, I’m not going to deny these things are awesome in their own way, but I can guarantee you that nothing comes even close to sex with an actual human female. Sure, she may want to talk about your “feelings” afterwards when you just want to sleep or eat a sandwich. Or expect you to take her out to an expensive dinner when she knows you’re saving up to buy DC Universe Online. Or expect you to call her the next day because if you don’t, she’s threatened to take an overdose of sleeping pills and leave a suicide note pining all the blame on you. But for the most part, it’s still worthwhile.

So the next time you feel like you just “hate” sex…step back, breath and do something about it. Force yourself to go out to a bar or a café and find an attractive woman to strike up a conversation with. You might be surprised at what happens and if you’re lucky, you may also learn that sex isn’t something to be shunned. Why you may even come to see that sex is one of the most beautiful and natural things that can be shared between a man and a woman and her sexy roommate who accidentally walks in on you guys and wants to participate. 

Just one bit of final advice though—when you do go out, I’d suggest leaving your body pillow at home. Trust me, it’ll be better that way. Gambatte kudasai.


7 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Young, Sex-Hating Japanese Males

  1. these pictures are great. but what they got in the water over there in japan???! dare I say strange?

  2. Has there been an equal percentage increase in the number of lesbians?

  3. At age 16, I didn’t even need sexy mushrooms or boobalicious power plants to get horny – I’d get a boner in the middle of a dreary classroom in the middle of an algebra test in the middle of an all boys’ school. (and, yes, that is too much of a softball, so nobody swing)

  4. “According to a recent government survey, 35.1 percent of Japanese males aged 16-19 said they are not interested in or even “averse” to sex. That’s more than double the 17.5 percent of Japanese men who responded in the same way in 2008. ”

    double in two years? come on.

    I got this from a non-English site. The polls seem more believable.

    are not interested in or even “averse” to sex.

    age 16 to 49. 1540 out of 3000 answered the questions.

    2010 2008
    male 17.7%?10.4%?
    female 48.4%?37.0%?

  5. @jiob, your statistic is correct for 16-49 year old males and I believe it comes from the same survey but I focused on what was reported as the results for the 16-19 age range.

  6. Pingback: What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week – January 9 – 15, 2011 | You Offend Me You Offend My Family

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