Dear White People:
I know some of you tend to be overtly sensitive so I want to say up-front that I have nothing against white people. In fact, I love white people! Some of my best friends are white. Oh, and I love white people food. Why, just the other day I had some vanilla ice cream and crepes. And don’t get me started on your women. Who’d want to be with a quiet, subservient Asian woman when you can be with someone bitchy and loud? Sign me up!
But there is something I’ve been noticing more and more about you all that has been bothering me. It seems like every time I talk to a white person, they try to deny their whiteness. I’ll be conversing with someone who is blond, blue-eyed and one swastika away from the Aryan Nation and they always say something like, “I have 1/16th Japanese blood” or “I’m part American Indian/Native American,” or “I’m Mexican because my grandmother ate a taco when she was pregnant with my mom.”
I understand this is not a completely new thing. I went to college at UC Santa Cruz and every white person I met there claimed to be part American Indian. I’m sorry but there’s no fucking way so many white people can be Indians! Hello—you killed off all the Indians! Didn’t you see that movie where Daniel Day Lewis runs with his deer skin shirt unbuttoned through the mountains, or the one where Kevin Costner plays the Civil War soldier with that weird handlebar mustache? It’d be like if some bird flew up to me and said he was part dodo. It’s not possible!
So, I have to ask–when did it become uncool to just be white? There was a time when you embraced your whiteness. When you were proud to be white. When you could wear a white sheet over your head and ride around saving virginal white women and lynching minorities and famous directors would make movies about you:
Of course, I’m being facetious about that KKK reference, but think back just fifteen years ago at the height of the PC movement and how angry you were because you felt minorities were taking away your privileges. Remember how pissed it made you when schools started substituting books by Mark Twain and Herman Melville with Toni Morrison and Amy Tan? Or when Star Trek replaced “to boldly go where no man has gone before” with “to boldly go where no one has gone before?” Or when Carl’s Jr. started serving jalapeno burgers? Don’t you miss that feeling? When did you lose your fire?
When did it become acceptable to sweep your white heritage under your $100,000 Afghan rug? You should be as proud of being white as I am of being Asian/Korean. So let me take time out of my busy schedule to remind you of how great it is to be white and what you can do to not only reclaim your whiteness, but embrace it with every core of your being.
The first and obvious thing to do is to stop telling people you are part whatever minority you think you are. Repeat after me—“I am white! My skin is light! But that’s alright!” Every time you start feeling down for having been born a pale Caucasian, look in the mirror and repeat that mantra. Say it. Own it. Be it.
Next, stop this trend of giving your babies ethnic sounding names like Aisha, Soledad, Jamiroquai, Tao, Kareem, Chantel, Zhi, Jay Zee, Carlos, Tatiana or Barack. You have a fine tradition of strong white names that are sadly dying out. Proud white names like Buffy, Bif, Roland, Thurston Howell, John-John, Betty Sue, Adolf, Beauregard, Jean-Paul and Leopold. Reclaim them!
And do I even have to remind you of all the great things white people have contributed to our culture? You have made incredible contributions to every field from music:
To gourmet cuisine:
And sports:
Now, there are some things as a white person that you should never do. They include: getting tattoos with Chinese characters, dancing in public, getting dreds, doing tai chi in public, playing basketball within 50 yards of any African American, ordering your food extra spicy in a Mexican restaurant, paying to watch a Tyler Perry movie in a theater, joining an Academic Decathlon team comprised mostly of Asians—you get the point. White people are born with a sharp instinct that will automatically tell you when the activity you are engaging in is not natural for your race. Listen to it. It can save you a lot of grief.
Stick to things you are naturally good at. Like hosting dinner parties:
Attending vigils for liberal/minority causes:
And adopting third world children:
Lastly, and most importantly, don’t ever be ashamed of who and what you are. I know it’s hard to be the majority in this country. I know it’s hard wielding all that personal, institutional and political power. I know it’s hard turning on the TV or going to the movies and only seeing faces that look like yours staring back at you. But you are inherently strong. You came to this country with nothing and made something of yourself through the backbreaking labor of your African American slaves, cheap Mexican/Asian coolie labor and that killing Indians thing I mentioned before. You can access that strength again.
Remember–“I am white! My skin is light! But that’s alright!”
Shine on, you crazy diamond…
Preach it.
First of all- my earlier statement still applies- you are a nut (and I mean that affectionately). Being caucasian and, at times regrettably, southern, I think I know why some whites are losing their identity and I can explain in one word- Guilt. We are all taught in school that white people have been responsible for some of the most heinous acts in history…slavery…genocide…and more recently reality TV-well you can‘t find that last one in a history book but in my opinion reality TV is the devil. I grew up in a soley white family who have always been stuck in the good ol’ days where a coke costs a nickel and all the “coloreds” are in the cotton fields. However, when you get away from that for 8 hours a day at school surrounded by people of different races and learn your great great grandfather could have beat someone just because he could… you start feeling guilty. Some whites, myself included, come to realize that they are not defined by their family or their values. Others, I guess, choose to distance themselves from being white all together and emerse themselves in being more exotic- even when they know that they would burn up if left in the sun too long. I’m not saying this explains it, I’m just saying that is my opinion.
Oh and nice Floyd reference.
I dated a white person once!
Yeah, I just love your culture, you know what I’m sayin’? It’s so beautiful, so steeped in history. I spent a semester abroad in London, so you could say it’s in my blood. I even studied English in college!
I talk to my Asian American husband about this a lot, and he is kind enough to try and see my point of view on this. A lot of it for me is that I feel that, no matter what I do, I am going to be seen as a villain, simply because I am white. Either you are super white bread white and accused of being close minded and/or racist. Or, if you are like me (a woman who is open minded and likes to learn about all kinds of people and issues) you are thought odd for taking an interest in something other than your own culture. (While I may be “white”, I have a British and French background. But I won’t go into my rant about whites being considered a people without color/culture.)
Whites are often seen as the racists of America. Ignorant and insensitive. This is just as much a stereotype as any racial stereotype. That’s not to say that there aren’t racist white people out there. There are, of course. The sad truth is, there are racists of every color in this world. But please, please, PLEASE don’t lump me in with those that spout racism and then say they had no idea that they were being racist. (How could they not know? Are they that dense?) Don’t lump me in with those that tell people to “stop being so sensitive” when they are called out on being racist. I’m not like those people. I wasn’t raised that way. I care about racial unity and equality, and particularly about Asian American issues, because they affect my family directly.
I am aware that things are easier for me because of the color of my skin. (Being a woman is another story altogether…) But it still sucks to be presumed ignorant until proven otherwise.
Just let me be a good person. That is all that I ever try to be.
In the end, we are all human beings. While it is impossible to be “color blind”, we shouldn’t let the differences influence our opinions of others. I choose to see people as individuals, not stereotypes. I choose to say “yes, I know the media is full of crap, and I am willing to get to know you for who you really are.” We should open our hearts to friendship wherever, whenever and however we find it, and we should learn from one another.
Great piece.
Thoughtful, yet lighthearted.
Full of spirit but not mean spirited.
Sarcastic, funny, and a great read.
Keep writing!
White people in America have no culture.
Obviously, that’s not factually true… but it might as well be, because white people in America ACT like they have no culture that they’re a part of. The sheer size and population of the country makes it hard to perceive how you fit into things. Most other countries are small enough that you’re very well-aware of the contrasts between you and your neighbors… the US is a big bubble.
As a result, white Americans are constantly exploring culture in a way that others don’t seem to. When you don’t have a strong sense of who “your people” are, it’s understandable that you’d be on a neverending search.
well penned Phyliss. i started reading this while on the toilet. i laughed so hard that it prevented me from accomplishing my mission. i must now concentrate and focus…
Love this, Philip, and took it in the spirit of warmth and sarcasm in which it was delivered. I had to laugh that “Roland” was included on your list of names–my hubby named our child that, and he’s half white and half Korean.
I will say that Nick Cho’s comment on why white people are searching really resonated with me. I do have an ethnic heritage–my grandma’s from Germany–and I do feel that her history affects my outlook on the world. Perhaps that’s one reason why I care so much for the AA community, even though I’m white.
Your post reminds me of the time I went to an event that was supposed to raise money for an organization that works to prevent honor killings in the Middle East. At one point, a white woman walked up to the podium, announced that she was “a light-skinned woman of color” and started reading this ridiculous poem about how she wished she could liberate her sisters in the Middle East by licking their female circumcision wounds open.
This made me think of my white in-laws, who are second-generation Czech-Americans in Texas. One generation ago, their parents had to hide the fact that they were Czech in order to keep from losing their jobs/being beaten up or worse. The amount of pressure they felt to assimilate was intense. Nowadays they try to preserve whatever remnants of their language and culture they can, if only to pay tribute to their parents/grandparents.
Thinking of their experiences, as well as the experiences of my own Asian American family, makes me want to go up to people like that crazy “light-skinned woman of color” and scream, “if you are lucky enough to be one of the VERY FEW PEOPLE in the history of the United States… not to say the WORLD… who have not had to deal with discrimination in your own life THEN ROLL WITH IT! Don’t run around acting like you’re ashamed of it and trying to fake an allegiance with an oppressed group to earn yourself some cred!” Seriously, it annoys me the same way listening to hipsters complain about being poor because their trust funds only let them take out $1000 every month annoys me.
As a white person, I hate the word “Caucasian.” A white person is not Caucasian unless you’re from the Caucasus, or Caucasia, Colombia. Just like a black person is not African unless you’re from Africa.
Seriously, why do we worry about skin color so much? In the end, we’re all just milky white bones.
MESSAGE FROM PEOPLE OF UNCOLOR: STOP TELLING US WHAT TO DO!!
Why don’t some people embrace their skin color?
I’m sure many people have their individual reasons, but I assume that for many people, the fact that they have a sense of self-accomplishment means that they don’t have to “borrow” achievements of their similar skin-colored ancestors to feel a sense of self-worth.
Just a speculation….
‘White’ people colonized the ENTIRE world,they brought culture,roads,buildings,CIVILIZATION everyehere they went.We are not racially superior,we are TECHNOLOGICALLY and SOCIALLY superior,unlike the tribal nigg..sorry ‘colored people’.Without the ‘white people’ the world would look the same as 500 years ago.Period!White people rule!
mm tisk tisk on the people up in arms, i have a white friend who clams he hates white poeple and the only people he gets a long with at school are blacks [mind you im black] and only “speak ‘ebonics’” around me his words not mine and is transferring to school in Japan because Asian culture is the only one that identifies with. I just wish he didnt feel like that and just be okay with being white
Philip’s open letter is so offensive. It’s like someone saying something very nasty to you and making fun of you, and then hiding behind the “just kidding” lie. A passive-aggressive attack that everyone can see through, but which others with a chip on their shoulder happily embrace. Take a good look at your own behavior and attitude before you take a stab at us.
I’m white. I like it. I like who I am. I have a culture even if you don’t recognize it. Live and let live. Leave me alone. I’ve never done harm to anyone else and I don’t call others ugly names. The US is a free country. I can do and say what I want, as long as it’s legal.
I’m not a racist. I do favor my own race and culture, but doesn’t almost everyone of every race and culture? It’s human nature. I’m sorry about the others who have done you and/or your ancestors harm. My ancestors in Ireland were abused by the English. They invaded Ireland, robbing and raping. I often wonder what really happened when I think of my “Irish with a little bit of English” ancestry. My ancestors were again at the bottom of the barrel when they emigrated from Ireland to NYC. They were treated worse than dirt. … So what’s all that got to do with me now? Try to get over past hurts. You’ll be happier in the long run.
This constant picking at white people in retaliation for our ancestors’ sins is getting real old. We don’t inherit our ancestor’s prison sentences they haven’t completed. We are all sorry about anyone’s heartbreaking history, the American Indians, the European Jews, the African Slaves, etc. None of what happened to them was right nor would we currently alive endorse it. It was horrible beyond words. (Well, maybe a few nuts embrace those types of behaviors, … but that unfortunately comes with living in a free country. They have a right to be obnoxious and they’ll never change. BUT, they still also have to follow the law.) I also apologize for above lumping the rest of you in an “etc.” for the sake of trying to keep this brief.
It’s a FREE COUNTRY. I’m proud of the United States of America and thrilled to be living here in a free country. Why are we all so hot to have more and more restrictions in our lives? Rules for our neighborhoods. Ever increasing safety rules. Reduction in government surveillance rules. Big brother watching over us. Free speech restrictions. … Why are we all giving our freedoms away? ARE WE NUTS? or what? Our forefathers FOUGHT AND DIED for our freedom. Our brothers and sisters are still fighting and dying for our freedom. Let’s not just give it away, for Pete’s sake! Let’s not let our out of control government squeeze the life out of us. I voted for Obama and I think he’s the greatest. He inherited the worst possible situation Bush got us into. He can’t fix it overnight. Give him some time. Help make it easier for him. Focus more on building each other up instead of tearing each other down.
Respectfully yours,
WhiteWoman
It’s a FREE COUNTRY. I’m proud of the United States of America and thrilled to be living here in a free country. Why are we all so hot to have more and more restrictions in our lives? Rules for our neighborhoods. Ever increasing safety rules. Reduction in government surveillance rules. Big brother watching over us. Free speech restrictions. … Why are we all giving our freedoms away? ARE WE NUTS? or what? Our forefathers FOUGHT AND DIED for our freedom. Our brothers and sisters are still fighting and dying for our freedom. Let’s not just give it away, for Pete’s sake! Let’s not let our out of control government squeeze the life out of us. I voted for Obama and I think he’s the greatest. He inherited the worst possible situation Bush got us into. He can’t fix it overnight. Give him some time. Help make it easier for him. Focus more on building each other up instead of tearing each other down.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Embrace yo culture, sucka! N-joy sum fried chik’n an watamellin’. Hopes you good at tap dancin’, sucka!
110% agree with whitewoman. This could not possibly be more offensive.
This was a really funny article!
I’m of Indian descent (my parents come from India) but I’m proud to be an American. My husband is an American with Irish roots. He’s proud of his Irishness, and, why not? We went to Ireland a few years ago, this year we are going to India… we want our kids to be American, but to also know where they came from.
You know, I am proud of the things India discovered – like the Hindu-Arab numeral system (invented by Hindus, desseminated by Arab traders – the Indians invented the concept of zero), the cultivation of cotton, the Bhagavad-Gita. I mean, it’s cool to know that my ancestors did some neat stuff. I also love to cook curry and occasionally I listen to Indian show tunes. My husband has shamrocks that his grandmother brought with her to this country from Ireland. Ireland was a repository for learning during the Dark Ages, and a land of great poetry.
I think it’s sorta cool to live in a country where we all came from different places, but we are all Americans, and I agree with you – if you are white, own it and be proud of it. The only time that’s offensive is if you use your pride to put someone else down. If you’re proud of yourself and also respect other people and their pride… that’s cool.
This is too funny! And yes they do feel that they have no culture;after having put down everyone elses culture for 200 + years. Now they want to claim that which they despised. I can not tell you how many times I’ve heard white people use terms like “shout out” on the news, or other tv programimg.
Also notice that they think ONLY PEOPLE OF COLOR ARE ETHNIC! As they have totally rejected thier various European ETHNICITIES trying to be *white* now thier kids feel culturally bankrupt. Example: when white people drum why cant they drum like the Germans, Brits, Irish, Scots. or Dans do? Why do they have to *take up* AFRICAN, AFOBRAZILIAN, OR JAPANESE drumming? Drum your own sh*t*.
I’ve ran into several whites who claim to be “Indians”. Yea right! Funny your 1/16 “blood”makes you Indian but my 20 % Cacuasian blood fails to render my ass white!
I just love that so many whites are on this page which is oh so NOT for them. I love how whites can find ways to get in on other folks (read: people of color) space. Yet they seem to do a very fine job of keeping Asians, Blacks, Hispanics, & Native people out of thier spaces. Cant we have a space of our own? Answer: Nope……we cant
PS: There are no full-time Asian American judges on any federal circuit court!
Speak!@ The One – the key here is that in fact and clearly CAUCS, it is your fault. Your ancestry is one of atrocities, of which you STILL reap the benefits and STILL continue to to bitch and moan about the laws that have put in place to rectify the stunts you did while you simultaneously appropriate from other cultures actions, rituals, and belief systems as points of fascination and recreation.
CAUCS it is your fault you have no culture. A quick reading and study of books will show you your own history of ACTIVELY CLAIMING WHITENESS when you “knew you weren’t” (and you know that you could successfully “become” WHITE):
“How the Irish Became White” by Noel Ignatiev
“How Jews Became White Folks…” by Karen Brodkin
“Working Towards Whiteness: How America’s Immigrants Became White” by David R. Roediger* (this one is especially interesting because it reminds me that my own people – regardless of their forced captivity – were still immigrants..but our free labor doesn’t compute to a bid for Whiteness)
“Are Italians White? How Race is Made in America” by Jennifer Guglielmo and Salvatore Salerno
So the joke of Whiteness is that the definition is capricious at best and at its worst, pathetic. Everyone knows what “white” is, and us colored folks are well aware of who can try-out, and who won’t make the cut.
Be Observant.
[...] you have white friends, you know how much they love to throw dinner parties. And they’re not like Asian dinner parties where it’s more of a casual [...]
[...] AN OPEN LETTER TO WHITE PEOPLE: EMBRACE YOUR WHITENESS [...]
I thought this was a fairly racist piece. Anyone with an interest in these matters should read Guns, Germs and Steel – it does a great job of explaining how things played out on our way to modernity. (Oh, and you could have mentioned democracy, the constitution, the internet, electricity, the car, the plane, television, radio and pasteurization in addition to the klan, dinner parties and potato chips).
Can you please give me an ecomonic power status from Africa, Latin America, Central America. How about a status on education from these locations. Hmmmm, how about inventions……Show me and I will listen. Stop being a victim.
Ok…people, everyone, chill the HALIBUT out! Good Lord! Now with that said…
I think I know what Philip is trying to say here. To those white/Caucasian/however you would like to call yourselves people-just don’t “act” like a certain “ethnicity” anymore. The reason I have these words in quotes is because of how some people may perceive a certain ethnic/racial group and then behave in that sort of manner. Great example here-I apologize for using this term in advance-the “whiggers” that one may see in junior high to high school. Now I find this offensive-I am African American (I don’t mind using that term to refer to myself nor do I mind using the term “black.” N-word-there will be heads rolling), and I do not behave in the way these group of people behave at all-ever. Never ever. So I think that’s what Philip is trying to say-just stick with your own culture.
Now while I say this, there is nothing wrong with exploring different cultures (look at me at this site). That’s how bridges between other people are created, love happens, little Drakes and Alicia Keys and Kimora Lee Simmons’s and Lenny Kravitzes are made. BUT, that does not mean that you should rip off another culture (Gwen Stefani, I’m talking to you!).
[...] I’ve already encouraged white folks to embrace their whiteness and take pride in who they are, I think this oppressed minority angle is a bit of a stretch. OK, [...]
This Was Just So Insulting. And I Love Your Sarcasm. You Should Get Over This, Because You Sound Totally Insane. Kay, Thanks.
Wow, I was just looking for images of Scott Hamilton online as a joke. I didn’t know I was going to stumble upon the most racist bunch of people on the internet. So which one is it? Are white people supposed to respect (and god forbid embrace) other cultures, or just continue to alienate everyone else while we eat Wonder bread, and never ever say “shout out”?
PS Potato chips were invented by a guy who was half “mulatto” and half “indian.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Crum
So suck it.
PPS Can you really blame me if I would prefer to eat bibimbap over the daily special at Cracker Barrel? I mean, really.
I seriously do not get all these comments about how “white people” invented technology and culture and roads and buildings and “White people” are so technologically and socially superior. Hello, IT WASN’T WHITE PEOPLE THAT DID ALL THAT. The Romans and the Indians and my ancestors (egyptian and greek) were doing all that. My ancestors were making pyramids and democracy and roads and buildings while your ancestors were still running around in trousers and rope belts with facepaint on. But, frankly, WHO CARES? Have you ever heard the maxim “divide and conquer”? As long as we continue to hate and discriminate against each other because of skincolor and culture, we’ll always be divided and weak. While sometimes I cringe at certain white assimilations into other cultures (white people with dreadlocks, for instance.) I generally applaud white people who try to experience other cultures in a healthy and respectful way.
[...] I have personally tried to reach out to our white brethren—whether it’s encouraging them to celebrate their rich white heritage or giving advice on how to successfully argue that you are the new “minority” or even giving my [...]
I started drooling from ugly laughter; persons who are complaining are too saturated with and blinded by guilt to know what satire looks like and how to process it as healthy criticism.
“Next, stop this trend of giving your babies ethnic sounding names like Aisha, Soledad, Jamiroquai, Tao, Kareem, Chantel, Zhi, Jay Zee, Carlos, Tatiana or Barack. You have a fine tradition of strong white names that are sadly dying out. Proud white names like Buffy, Bif, Roland, Thurston Howell, John-John, Betty Sue, Adolf, Beauregard, Jean-Paul and Leopold. Reclaim them! “
Umm, not all white people are British.
Aisha-Arabic/Turkish origin, legally defined as white people in the US, This name began to be used in America in the 1970s, possibly inspired by princess Aisha of Jordan (1968-), the daughter of King Hussein and his British-born wife. It received a boost in popularity after Stevie Wonder used it for his first daughter in 1975. Stevie Wonder (black) was using a white name.
Soledad-Spanish origin, white people, non-white on the basis of Spanish whites mixing with Native Americans and Blacks.
Kareem, Arabic origin, white people, white name given to a black basketball player.
Chantel, variant of Chantal, English, French, Dutch, white name.
Tatiana, Russian, Slovak, Polish, Bulgarian, Spanish, Italian, Finnish, etc. white name.
“You came to this country with nothing and made something of yourself through the backbreaking labor of your African American slaves, cheap Mexican/Asian coolie labor and that killing Indians thing I mentioned before.”
I really hope you are kidding. My family is an exception that came here only a couple generations ago and was called white partly on the basis of legal cases.