Dear White People:
I know some of you tend to be overtly sensitive so I want to say up-front that I have nothing against white people. In fact, I love white people! Some of my best friends are white. Oh, and I love white people food. Why, just the other day I had some vanilla ice cream and crepes. And don’t get me started on your women. Who’d want to be with a quiet, subservient Asian woman when you can be with someone bitchy and loud? Sign me up!
But there is something I’ve been noticing more and more about you all that has been bothering me. It seems like every time I talk to a white person, they try to deny their whiteness. I’ll be conversing with someone who is blond, blue-eyed and one swastika away from the Aryan Nation and they always say something like, “I have 1/16th Japanese blood” or “I’m part American Indian/Native American,” or “I’m Mexican because my grandmother ate a taco when she was pregnant with my mom.”
I understand this is not a completely new thing. I went to college at UC Santa Cruz and every white person I met there claimed to be part American Indian. I’m sorry but there’s no fucking way so many white people can be Indians! Hello—you killed off all the Indians! Didn’t you see that movie where Daniel Day Lewis runs with his deer skin shirt unbuttoned through the mountains, or the one where Kevin Costner plays the Civil War soldier with that weird handlebar mustache? It’d be like if some bird flew up to me and said he was part dodo. It’s not possible!
So, I have to ask–when did it become uncool to just be white? There was a time when you embraced your whiteness. When you were proud to be white. When you could wear a white sheet over your head and ride around saving virginal white women and lynching minorities and famous directors would make movies about you:
Of course, I’m being facetious about that KKK reference, but think back just fifteen years ago at the height of the PC movement and how angry you were because you felt minorities were taking away your privileges. Remember how pissed it made you when schools started substituting books by Mark Twain and Herman Melville with Toni Morrison and Amy Tan? Or when Star Trek replaced “to boldly go where no man has gone before” with “to boldly go where no one has gone before?” Or when Carl’s Jr. started serving jalapeno burgers? Don’t you miss that feeling? When did you lose your fire?
When did it become acceptable to sweep your white heritage under your $100,000 Afghan rug? You should be as proud of being white as I am of being Asian/Korean. So let me take time out of my busy schedule to remind you of how great it is to be white and what you can do to not only reclaim your whiteness, but embrace it with every core of your being.
The first and obvious thing to do is to stop telling people you are part whatever minority you think you are. Repeat after me—“I am white! My skin is light! But that’s alright!” Every time you start feeling down for having been born a pale Caucasian, look in the mirror and repeat that mantra. Say it. Own it. Be it.
Next, stop this trend of giving your babies ethnic sounding names like Aisha, Soledad, Jamiroquai, Tao, Kareem, Chantel, Zhi, Jay Zee, Carlos, Tatiana or Barack. You have a fine tradition of strong white names that are sadly dying out. Proud white names like Buffy, Bif, Roland, Thurston Howell, John-John, Betty Sue, Adolf, Beauregard, Jean-Paul and Leopold. Reclaim them!
And do I even have to remind you of all the great things white people have contributed to our culture? You have made incredible contributions to every field from music:
To gourmet cuisine:
Now, there are some things as a white person that you should never do. They include: getting tattoos with Chinese characters, dancing in public, getting dreds, doing tai chi in public, playing basketball within 50 yards of any African American, ordering your food extra spicy in a Mexican restaurant, paying to watch a Tyler Perry movie in a theater, joining an Academic Decathlon team comprised mostly of Asians—you get the point. White people are born with a sharp instinct that will automatically tell you when the activity you are engaging in is not natural for your race. Listen to it. It can save you a lot of grief.
Stick to things you are naturally good at. Like hosting dinner parties:
Attending vigils for liberal/minority causes:
And adopting third world children:
Lastly, and most importantly, don’t ever be ashamed of who and what you are. I know it’s hard to be the majority in this country. I know it’s hard wielding all that personal, institutional and political power. I know it’s hard turning on the TV or going to the movies and only seeing faces that look like yours staring back at you. But you are inherently strong. You came to this country with nothing and made something of yourself through the backbreaking labor of your African American slaves, cheap Mexican/Asian coolie labor and that killing Indians thing I mentioned before. You can access that strength again.
Remember–“I am white! My skin is light! But that’s alright!”
Shine on, you crazy diamond…