Dear TV Writer:
My fellow Offender Roger recently wrote about how almost every television series has their “Chinatown” episode. Roger may have called you to task for doing this, but hey, I’ve written for TV before, and I know how difficult it is. You have to put out a new episode week after week and it’s hard work and sometimes you have to rely on familiar stand-bys to get you through a grueling schedule. Familiar stand-bys such as the “flashback” episode (mostly comprised of clips from past shows allowing you to take a little bit of a break), the “very special” episode (where the lead character has a bout with alcoholism, spousal abuse, ghost whispering or some other “hard-hitting” social issue) and the “Chinatown” episode. Believe me, I sympathize. In fact, let me do more than that. Let me make your job easier. If you’re about to write your “Chinatown” episode, make sure to include the following and you can’t go wrong.
A GENERAL MYSTICAL, EXOTIC VIBE:
This should be fairly self-explanatory: the occasional sound of a gong, secret tunnels under the streets of Chinatown, paper lanterns displayed publicly for no reason, women walking around in Cheongsams—you get the point.
CHINESE NEW YEAR PARADE:
No matter what time of year your story is set, there must be a Chinese New Year parade going on. What better way to say “hey, this episode is taking place in Chinatown” then to have a shot of your leads walking past a bunch of Chinese dudes pretending to be a dragon.
GANGSTERS AND WHORES:
No Chinatown episode would be complete without its fair share of Chinese gangsters and whores. Make sure the gangsters are either dressed all in black or if it’s a period piece–in headbands, bandanas and Members Only jackets. They should have no dialogue (see, I’m also helping to keep your budget down) but able to do martial arts. The whores should be dressed in slutty Cheongsams and can say things like “Me no ho!”
OLD CHINESE MAN WITH A PIPE SITTING IN THE BACKGROUND:
Again, this character should have no lines to save on your budget but in every scene there should be some old Chinese dude sitting stoically in the background smoking a long ass pipe. At the end of your episode, your lead character can look at this old man and nod which will prompt the old man to nod back. This will show that your white lead has now been accepted by the mysterious social order that runs Chinatown.
A MONTAGE SET TO DAVID BOWIE’S “CHINA GIRL”:
Of course your episode will feature a hot Chinese chick in trouble that only your white lead will be able to save. And even if the relationship goes nowhere because the two characters are divided by a great cultural gulf, there must be sexual tension between the two. What better way to accentuate that then with a montage set to Bowie’s version of “China Girl.” While the song plays you can show your white lead rescuing your hot Chinese chick from a brothel or opium den or abusive Chinese gangster or a boat carrying a bunch of illegal immigrants which can be followed by a scene of the two characters walking the streets of Chinatown trying to avoid eye contact as the sexual heat between them simmers leading to a meal in an intimate Chinese restaurant where the white lead will lean over and kiss the rescued Chinese girl which will make her pull away and say, “But this cannot be. We are from different worlds” to which your white lead will respond by passionately screaming, “That doesn’t matter to me, damn it! You’re all I care about!” as he dramatically removes his sunglasses.
A CHINESE SPEAKER WHO HOLDS THE KEY TO THE WHOLE PLOT:
In order to create maximum tension, you must include a scene where your white lead has to confront a character who speaks no English but holds the key to the whole plot. Maybe vicious gangsters have kidnapped that hot Chinese chick and this Chinese speaker is the only one who knows where she is. This will force your lead to scream at the Chinese speaker and maybe even beat the shit out of him because time is running out and he needs to save the aforementioned hot Chinese chick. At some point, it will be revealed that the Chinese-speaker actually knows English and was faking it. Your lead can then get the information from him that he needs and save the day.
Good luck writing your episode, my friend! And if you run into any problems, hey, forget about it. It’s Chinatown, after all.
BTW – I use “Chinatown Episode” as more of a blanket, universal term of great offense to the Asian population as a whole.
American TV cultural interpretations (or lack of) yield not to any language, cultural, or political barriers.
Don’t forget the “family honor” theme that must run strong throughout the episode, and serve as a major point of contention between the MWG (main white guy) and aforementioned keyholder. For example, dialogue for the keyholder could be:
“I can’t help you MWG, I know it’s the right thing to do, but speaking with guai lo is forbidden in the Chinese culture and would greatly dishonor my family”
“Helping your would mean my certain death at the hands of the Triad, but that’s not why I choose to remain silent. My family’s honor hinges upon this one crucial piece of information remaining a secret, and you have not adequately convinced me yet that my whole culture and attitude are antiquated and irrelevant in today’s society”
“Helping would constitute as cheating and if I fail this exam I’ll end up with a B for the semester, greatly dishonoring my family”
I can only wish one day I can become that old guy with the pipe.
Anson, no matter how hard you try not to, given enough time, you, I and every other asian on this planet will look like that old pipe guy. man and/or woman alike…
all you have to do is stay alive – meaning…no more military base thanksgivings that lead to cult indoctrination banquets.
safe travels, wherever you are headed my friend…
Philip, as a screenwriter, this is so true. I watched the “very special” Chinatown episode of Cold Case on Sunday and it had many of these elements–including the New Year’s parade. As though all shootings occurred then.
@Drywall Man: that was brilliant! I lol’ed.
Don’t forget the Chinese guy who the MWG thinks is guilty at first because he runs away for some completely unrelated issue like his student visa expired.
Or the scene where the MWG barges into the gangster boss’s restaurant and publicly dishonors him before walking out in a huff of bravado, causing the gangster to mumble something like, “destroy him” through his teeth.
Or the part where the love interest is revealed to have a wrinkly old grandparent that she must take care of, which is why she fell in with the wrong crowd.
Or how a mysteriously worded clue early on is revealed in the third act to have a completely different meaning than originally thought, leading the MWG to the culprit.
Or the scene in the brothel stacked to the roof with asian hookers wearing 3cm of makeup and fat asian men walking around in towels. Some type of shootout or chase must break out at this location.
I could go on, but I have to get married and raise a family at some point.
Don’t they know there are other APs to exploit. Cambodians, f’instance. Dramatic possibilities in donut shop setting.
Don’t forget the old generation/new generation dichotomy where the new generation are cool hipsters that speak with outdated gangsta slang (i.e. “whatyou lookin’ at, foo!) and reject all things asian. They’re almost certainly in trouble with the law, and have lost the way of their asian-ness to the shame of the old generation, who have no clue how to handle their jook-sing offspring. Then it takes a white cop/teacher/guidance counsellor to teach these kids the errors of their ways and how much dishonour they have brought to their families. At the end, the kids find forgiveness, and accept their foreigner personas with gusto. Thank you for showing us the way, white man!
What’s cringe worthy is when TV shows that you’re actually a big fan of, has a very special “Chinatown” episode. THE X-FILES actually had two Chinatown episodes during its 9 year run. One of them actually had an unrecognizable Lucy Liu playing a doting Chinese daughter.
I wish they would have a chinatown episode where the MWG runs thru the chinese restaurant kitchen and all the cooks were mexican. Too much realism spoils the fantasy I suppose….
yes, and the hot chinese girl/prostitute/gangster’s wife/massage therapist/abused daughter that the guy has to rescue
wait, what about the funky chinatown font?
i enjoy open letters
Omg, killer article!lol Don’t forget delivery boy/side-kick/ flamboyant gay, all with accents. To be contemporary there should be a computer geek, real estate agent, laundry cleaner, aluminum can crook/recycler, city or government worker with heavy accents. Being that sexual scenes let alone kissing scenes are seldom allowed, maybe make it sci-fi and have Chinese kids born or coming out of old chinese maps, treasure chests, rolled oriental rugs & lamps, come to life from statues after a magical conical straw hats are placed on its head. It’d be refreshing for once if they made a white woman the heroin who saves rather than the lesser apt but made to look more capable male version.
[...] the pilot episode was essentially the perennial Chinatown episode, with human trafficking et al, you can argue that Honolulu is one big Chinatown already. With so [...]