Dear Masanobu Sato:

Before I address you directly, let me spill a little bit of virtual ink to fill in our readers on your amazing accomplishment. Every May for the past 11 years, the Center for Sex & Culture in San Francisco has held its Masturbate-a-thon fundraiser. And for those who are wondering…yes, it’s exactly what you think it is. People pay a fee to enter and spend the day masturbating; attempting to win in categories such as most orgasms and longest session. And when it comes to the longest time, no one at this year’s event even came close to touching the record you set last year at 9 hours and 33 minutes. That’s an incredible feat and I’d be honored to give you a congratulatory handshake…except that’s probably not a good idea—no offense, bro.

Now, you’ve competed in this event the last two years and handily beat choked jerked off easily defeated your competition both times. But that’s also why everyone was surprised when you announced that you would not be participating in this year’s event (which took place last weekend over the Memorial Day holiday). In fact, according to this report out of Japan, it seems you’re not planning on competing in the future either unless someone breaks your record (which didn’t happen this time, FYI). In the words of Bobby Brown–that’s your prerogative, but I’m writing to ask you to reconsider.

I’ve read several accounts of this year’s Masturbate-a-thon and it sounded like it just wasn’t as exciting or interesting as it was before (for a detailed NSFW description click here). There have been various explanations given for this, such as a higher male to female ratio this time (a sausage fest just ain’t no fun), but let’s be honest—if it was lacking this year, it was because you weren’t there. In the world of masturbation, you are a superstar! You are to jerking off what Michael Jordan is to basketball, the Beatles are to rock n’ roll, Shakespeare to writing, Albert Einstein to physics. You are a natural. You were born with a gift. It is your duty, no, obligation to share your God-given gift with the world. Maybe you feel you don’t need the Masturbate-a-thon anymore, but it needs you.

Or to employ a metaphor you might better understand: the Masturbate-a-thon is like an erect penis. Your erect penis. And you are like a hand. Your right hand. Get it?

Can I also gush like a schoolgirl and tell you how impressed I’ve been by your interviews? It’s clear you take your craft very seriously, but still seem like a down-to-earth guy. You sound like the kind of cool dude I could sit and have a beer with. Well, as long as you don’t try to shake my hand or anything like that. So if you don’t mind, I’d like to share some of your words of wisdom with our readers in the hope they will find them just as inspiring as I have.

On your confidence: “When I practiced at home, I easily cleared the six-hour limit. So I knew it wouldn’t be an issue to beat the [then] record of 8.5 hours.”

On what you were experiencing as you set your record time: “After six hours passed, I started to question myself, ‘What’s the point of this?’ I was emotionally battered. Then, those who finished earlier, as well as the crowd and staff, started to leave the venue. In the end, the staff told me, ‘We know you are the winner, so please finish it off.’”

On your humbleness regarding your talent: “I am naturally slow in shooting my wad.”

On your inspiration: “I’ve got a girlfriend, but even while she’s preparing supper I’ll be burping my worm. At the tournament this time I was able to stay hard by fantasizing over the female interpreter at the event and what she would look like under her clothes.”

On your nutritional regiment: “I’m into sticky stuff, like natto, okra and mekabu. The zinc supplements I take also seem to be helpful — makes my sperm denser.”

On why no one’s going to be giving you a nickname like “Lefty”: “My right arm is bigger and stronger than my left.”

On the secret to your success: “My abundant imagination was a key to my triumph, firstly. Secondly, I trained a lot in Japan from the time I won first prize last year. I swam twice a week and gained about five kilograms in muscle weight. That helped me a lot, too in terms of stamina. Thirdly, the variety of sensations each Tenga gave me was ideal for long masturbation. Without the variety of sensations, my dick would feel the same sensation for a long time–I used as many as ten different ones so that my dick avoids being paralyzed. And lastly, some of my natural body traits were something special. I really need to thank my parents for transferring to me good DNA.”

On never giving up: “Twice I felt I couldn’t go on. I took great advantage of Japanese pornos as I prepared. Also I imagined many supporters in Japan including my girlfriend, family, co-workers etc…that I can’t let them down.”

If you’re still on the fence about participating in next year’s event, let me add another incentive—we will be happy to sponsor you. That’s right:

YOMYOMF Presents
The Masturbator of the Universe–
MASANOBU SATO!

Now, I haven’t run this by my fellow Offenders yet, but I can’t imagine they’d have any objections. I’m sure we can find some corporate sponsor who’d want to partner with us. For example, we’ve been wanting to approach Spam to see if they’d support us in some way and this might be the perfect sponsorship opportunity to pitch them. I can see it now…Spam recently launched a new line of hot dogs and you would be the perfect spokesman, don’t you think?

MASANOBU SATO says:
“This is the only other wiener I’ll hold in my hands!”

Or as you may know, my fellow Offender Justin is directing the next Fast & Furious film and I’m sure the studio would be open to a cross promotional opportunity:

“MASANOBU SATO—he may not be FAST, but he sure is FURIOUS…when he’s…uh, masturbating…Vrooom!”

We could create some corporate synergy and brand it even further by having you masturbate to a poster of Paul Walker. You gotta admit, he’s kind of pretty. Give him a wig, some freckles, mascara and a shave and he could be Lindsay Lohan:

Those are just ideas off the top of my head, I’m sure we can brainstorm many more awesome ones. So shoot me an email or give me a ring and let’s talk. Looking forward to hearing from you. Stay hard strong and limp loose, my brotha!