Dear Little Girl:
What I saw happen to you this weekend was a travesty that broke my heart so I feel that I have to write about it in the hopes that you will read this and not give up on your dreams. And that you’ll continue believing that magic does exist in the world.
You see, I was at the same Mother’s Day gathering as you and I overheard what that grown-up woman said to you about unicorns. She told you that unicorns do not exist and that if you wanted to be a big girl, you must stop believing in them. I saw the expression on your face when this woman said that. I saw your look of disappointment. Your look of sadness. That all-too-familiar look of the innocence of youth being crushed like an aluminum can at the recycling center. I don’t know if the woman who told you this was your mom or a friend or a crazy homeless woman who had randomly wandered off the street, but whoever she was—she’s a lying whore!
Because I am here to tell you that unicorns are real. They are as real as the sun up in the sky. As real as the
breasts hair $2000 Louis Vitton purse on the woman walking by my table at this very moment. As real as this bottle of Jack Daniels I’ve almost killed off while writing the previous sentence. And how do I know this?
Because I have seen a unicorn with my own eyes. And furthermore, I have touched that magnificent unicorn with my own hands. And yes, I’ve even mounted that unicorn and felt its throbbing power between my legs as I rode it and tamed it and made it my bitch.
You may be wondering—how did I come upon this magnificent but elusive beast when so few others have? It’s because I believed in it. And because I believed in it, that unicorn became real. And as long as you continue to believe in it too, it will be real for you as well. I promise you.
And what an amazing experience it was! I rode that unicorn and did exactly what one is supposed to do with a unicorn—use it to kill evil, scary people.
I mean come on, those suckers have fucking sharp horns on their heads—what do you think those are for? Any creature with a horn like that protruding from their skulls, you can’t tell me those are just ornamental. Now, I’m sure you’ve been taught that killing is wrong and as a general rule, that’s absolutely true. But I’m talking here about killing really evil people like scientists who are still trying to clone Hitler or people who bring their babies on planes and let them cry for the whole eight-hour flight without doing anything about it or mimes.
It’s a glorious feeling–riding that unicorn up to some evil person and driving that horn through their guts. I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it.
And afterwards, you’ll probably be very hungry from killing all the evil people and here’s where another special and magical quality that the unicorn possesses comes in handy—it’s very delicious.
Take a look at that—unicorn meat. I’m not even making that up, it’s seriously a real product, I shit you not–google it.
I had always heard that unicorn meat was tender and yummy and let me tell you, it lives up to its reputation. There’s nothing like a home-cooked meal with a unicorn casserole or unicorn meatloaf as your main dish. And the leftovers really hold.
So as you can see, you must never stop believing in unicorns because one day, you too may be fortunate enough to meet one and use it to kill evil people and then satisfy your natural predatory hunger for meat. In fact, never stop believing in all the wonders of the world—fairies and angels and leprechauns.
Speaking of leprechauns, they’re pretty tasty too. Next time, I’ll teach you how to trap and cook a leprechaun. All you need to do is dig a hole and fill it with Lucky Charms cereal and…anyway, more on that next time. But until then, remember this…
Never forget there is magic in the world. As long as you always remember and never forget that, you will always remember and never forget the power of the innocence and purity of youth which you are otherwise in danger of forgetting if you don’t remember to not forget there is magic in the world.