Dear Anri Suzuki:

We’ve never met and honestly, I’d never heard of you before today though I do know some of your Japanese AV colleagues and have learned much from their tutelage or “tit-elage” as the case may be (Konnichiwa, Takako and Risa! Kimi ga inakute tottemo samishii yo!). But I was moved by your recent announcement that you’d have free sex with Chinese students as compensation for the terrible things your countrymen did to the Chinese in World War II. You’re essentially letting the Chinese do to you now, what the Japanese did to them in the past and that’s awesome!

Here’s what you told the press: “We have to respect history and cannot obliterate it. I want to cure the wounds of Chinese with my body, and I am practicing this by having sex with Chinese students in Japan. I think it is psychological compensation to them. Actually, Chinese students treat me more friendly and comfortably than Japanese.”

Like I said, I was touched and I applaud your efforts to address the still present scars from a history that some of your fellow Japanese continue to deny, but I do have one issue with your plan. Well, it’s more of a request and I hope you’ll take this in the spirit of healing in which it was intended, but…I ask that you also consider offering free compensation sex to Korean guys.

Look, I get why you singled out the Chinese. I understand you’ve earned a doctorate in history from one of Japan’s prestigious universities and your focus of study was the Japanese invasion of China; you even wrote a paper entitled “The History of the Japanese Invasion into China.” So of course, you’d have a special interest in the Chinese and that’s great. But if we’re talking compensation, I think it would be an injustice to not include the Koreans. Yes, I’m Korean but I assure you this request is coming for totally objective reasons.

I’m not arguing that the Japanese didn’t do terrible things in China—they raped, killed, destroyed, looted and even used babies for bayonet practice. Hell, the Japanese even cut a swath through other Asian countries like the Philippines too. But I think any reasonable person would have to agree that what they did to Korea was especially wrong. Just to cite two examples: Japan forcibly occupied Korea for almost four decades and the majority of the comfort women (forced sex slaves) were Korean.

You’re a historian so I don’t have to tell you that many Koreans were also brought to Japan against their will to engage in all forms of forced labor. Many of the descendants of these people still reside in Japan and, though things have changed for the better in recent times, they often lived as second-class citizens. Think of them and the pain and hurt they went through. Do it for them by doing it to them.

Here’s another thing to consider–I love the Chinese, but the reality is, they are now poised to take over the world. They don’t need any sort of charity. They don’t need compensation. They’re going to own all our asses in a few years anyway. They can get more pussy than the toilet at the Playboy mansion without any help. In short, they don’t need this. Whereas Koreans…look, North and South Korea might soon be at war. If they nuke each other, that’s it. At least, you’d make some Korean dudes very happy before the complete annihilation of their culture and lifestyle.

Besides, just between you and me, the Chinese are freaks. And not in a good freaky kind of way like the Japanese. When you guys let your freak flag fly, you do cool things like hold penis festivals or fuck anime body pillows. But the Chinese do worthless shit like paint their pets to look like tigers and pandas. Yeah, I get it–it’s cute, but what’s the point?:

Finally, I also ask you to consider showing some love to the Chinese and Korean brothas in the U.S. As you probably know, Asian men here are often considered undesirable and asexual. You could do a great service by extending your offer to them as compensation for having been historically fucked by the white man. I know you didn’t have anything to do with that, but when you think about it, aren’t we all just part of one, big race…the human race? Shouldn’t we all look out for one another?

So let the healing begin: