Dear Chinese government:

I understand you’re in a bit of a public relations dilemma so I’m here to help. In a ceremony last week in Norway, the Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to pro-democracy activist and Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo. But Liu was not in attendance and instead was represented by an empty chair.

Now, I don’t have to tell you why Liu wasn’t there. After all, you were the ones who sent him to prison for 11 years for his efforts to create a more democratic China and co-authoring Charter 08. To you, he’s a dangerous individual and a threat to your way of life. To most of the rest of the world, he is an unfairly jailed political prisoner. But I’m not here to argue about politics. Nope, I’m here specifically to advise you on the p.r. nightmare this latest situation has created for you.

Look at that photo of the empty chair again. That is one powerful image. That image alone has probably done more to tarnish your good name and paint you as a tyrannical bully. A Chinese wins one of the most prestigious awards in the world and you refuse to release him so he can pick up the award, give the traditional acceptance speech and hang with celebrities like Anne Hathaway and ask her what it was like to do the naked love scenes with the Prince of Persia. Even Barry Manilow was at the ceremony this year. How cool would it have been for him to sing “Looks Like We Made It” to Liu?

It also didn’t help that protests in support of Liu’s release took place all over the world following the ceremony; further adding to your p.r. woes. Just can’t catch a break, can you?

So how did you choose to publicly respond to this situation? According to one New York Times writer:

Beijing dispatched its diplomats to warn countries against sending envoys to the ceremony, while the Foreign Ministry and state media issued a steady drumbeat of invective, describing the prize as a Western plot to hold back a rising China and branding the award’s supporters as “clowns.” On Friday, Global Times, a populist tabloid affiliated with the party-owned People’s Daily, called the event a “political farce” and Oslo a “cult center.”

I’m not sure if this is the best strategy. Now, some experts have said you really don’t care what the rest of the world thinks of you. You know you’re the big kid on the block and even if countries like the United States denounce you now, they’ll still be back to kiss your ass because, well, you have a lot of important shit that others need. But I don’t completely buy that. You’re still Chinese and the whole saving face thing is still important.

And herein lies your pr dilemma. Whether you release Liu or not, you run the risk of losing face and looking bad. You let him go and it undermines your power. You keep him jailed and you look like a tyrant. You are caught in a classic Kobayashi Maru conundrum, my friend. A no-win scenario. So what choice does that leave you? Well, since we’re speaking of the Kobayashi Maru, I suggest you take a page out of the Captain James T. Kirk playbook and do what he did to overcome his no-win scenario: Cheat.

That’s right…cheat. You know how everyone thinks all Asians look the same? You can totally take advantage of that stereotype by releasing “Liu,” but guess what? It won’t really be Liu, it’ll be another Chinese man (sympathetic to your cause of course) who looks like Liu. Yup, an imposter under your control. And who can you get that looks like Liu? Well, how about every Chinese man in China. Here’s a photo of Liu:

Come on, he pretty much looks like every average Chinese guy out there. Just take any Chinese man of the same age and build and slap some glasses on him and I promise you no one will know the difference. Your puppet “Liu” can go on TV and talk about how humanely he was treated while imprisoned and how he realized the errors of his way and can now see the Chinese government for the benevolent force it truly is. This way you’ll look good in the eyes of the world because you released Liu, but since he’s really your guy, you can control everything he says and does once he’s out. Your no-win has magically transformed into a win-win.

I’ll even go one step further and recommend someone you can use to impersonate Liu if you’re not sure who to employ. How about The Joy Luck Club film director Wayne Wang? Take a good look at him:

You don’t even have to spring for the glasses since Wang already has his own pair. No one’s going to be able to tell the difference. Trust me:

Wang just shot his upcoming movie in China so I know you guys are probably already tight. Just throw a big bag of money his way and/or promise to finance his next ten films and I’m sure he’d go along with it. You’re China—you should have no problem “buying” anyone to do what you want.

So if I hear that you have decided to release Liu in the near future, I’ll know what’s really going on (wink, wink). But don’t worry, it’ll be our secret. I promise I won’t tell anyone. Just don’t forget to send me that big bag of money to buy my silence. Shieh shieh, comrades!