Dear Children of America:
Welcome back to a new year of school. I hope this year is filled with promise and opportunities and all the other positive things you should be getting from our educational system. Now, if you’re a minor and you’re reading this blog with its “adult content,” I’m assuming you’re doing so without your parents’ knowledge. If so, thank you for being a true rebel and supporting us. It gives me hope for the future knowing you have us secretly bookmarked alongside Oriental Butt Whores.com and The Anarchist’s Cookbook.
I’m joking, of course. If you’re also a regular reader, you know that I tend to take a sarcastic or humorous tone with these “open letters.” However, I am not going to do that today because what I have to say is too important to treat as a joke. As you know, President Obama is giving a speech to students all over the country today and it’s stirred up a bit of controversy from people who think the President will use this opportunity to try to indoctrinate you with his liberal, “un-American” agenda. To quell the detractors, the White House has taken the unprecedented step of releasing the full text of his speech in advance (check it out here). If you read the speech, it’s obvious that the only agenda the President has is to encourage you to stay in school and do your best. Yet, there are still parents who are freaking out and planning to keep their children home from school today and away from the President’s alleged socialist, communist, anti-American ideology.
Before I continue, I have an admission to make. Even though the heading of this blog says my letter is directed at the children of America, I actually really want to address a specific group of you. I want to talk to those of you whose parents belong to the category I mention above—those who are outraged that President Obama would dare to corrupt you in this way.
Never mind that Republican Presidents Ronald Reagan and George Bush Sr. both gave similar addresses to the nation’s children without converting our youth over to a Conservative ideology. As a student, I sat through Reagan and Bush’s speeches and they did not make me want to bat for the conservative team. Hell, I thought Rush Limbaugh was a douchebag before then and I still think he’s a douchebag. If you compare the speeches, you’ll find that Reagan even included more direct political material in his talk (for example, he called taxes “such a penalty on people that there’s no incentive for them to prosper…because they have to give so much to the government.”) and Bush even asked students to write in with ideas on how to help his administration which is basically the same thing Obama is getting blasted for asking.
So you must be confused about why your parents are acting the way they are. Perhaps they have even gone to the extreme of keeping you home from school today. Let me explain to you why your parents are like this. There’s a simple explanation and I think once you know this, everything will be clearer. You see, children…your parents are racist, inbred hicks.
I can already feel the heat from the light bulb in your heads going off. That explains a lot, doesn’t it? Perhaps you’ve always wondered why you only had one set of grandparents or why your folks referred to each other as “bro” and “sis” or why they had the same last name before they got married. Now you know.
If your parents are racist, inbred hicks, it’s highly likely they come from a family of racist, inbred hicks. Remember that weird dude from the movie Rain Man who was always prattling on about K-Mart and People’s Court? That’s pretty much everyone in your family except none of them will be good at math so you can’t even exploit them to win money in Vegas. Nope, you are stuck with a bunch of hopeless idiots.
Now, you must be justifiably worried about how this affects you. Are you a racist, inbred hick idiot too? The answer is no. The fact that you’re reading this, comprehending it, questioning all of this, is proof that you are an intelligent, normal kid. The idiot incest gene sometimes skips a generation and you, my child, have won the hereditary lottery. That means you have a chance to break this vicious cycle. You can learn to think for yourself. It’s going to be hard because your folks have indoctrinated you with their ass backwards views since you were a baby, but you are smart and strong enough to do it. Like President Obama and the baby Jesus, I believe in you.
Your parents have probably told you a bunch of lies like how President Obama, of the Democratic Socialist Stalin Party, wasn’t even born in the United States but rather in some faraway African country like Niger because Blacks and foreigners aren’t allowed to have babies here. They’ve probably sat you on their knees and explained to you–over a meal of road kill and homemade whiskey–how the earth was created only 5,000 years ago when dinosaurs and humans walked the land as equals. In order to further your education, perhaps they bought you a copy of the book The Wisdom of George W. Bush (all three pages) for your last birthday. Let’s face it—your parents are so out of touch with reality, they wouldn’t know if World War III started unless Toby Keith wrote a song about it and the video was played in heavy rotation on the Redneck Music Channel.
Look, I understand that despite their faults, they are your parents. You still love them and you don’t want to hurt them. But it’s either them or you. Unless you want your son to be born with five eyes or your daughter with an extra penis, you have to be strong and say no the next time they ask you to put on your white robe to burn a cross on the lawn of the Hmong family down the street because your folks told you that’s how the Hmong celebrate the new year in their native country of Hmong. Participating in those sort of activities will just lead you further down the dark path.
Your parents probably warned you not to venture too far from home because you’ll fall off the face of the flat earth, but I guarantee that there’s a whole, round world waiting for you. Don’t be afraid to get out there and explore it with an open mind. There’s so much to learn, see and experience. I promise you won’t regret it. In the words of our President from today’s speech:
“I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great things from each of you. So don’t let us down – don’t let your family or your country or yourself down. Make us all proud. I know you can do it.”
Oh, and finally, just make sure that when you do eventually get married, it’s to someone with a different last name whom you don’t refer to as “bro” or “sis.”