Dear PETA:

Is it OK for me to call you PETA? People For The Ethical Treatment of Animals sounds so formal, I hope you don’t mind. I read today that you’ve recently re-launched your McCruelty campaign against McDonald’s and have been distributing your Chicken McCruelty Unhappy Meals to customers outside their restaurants in protest of how their chickens are unfairly treated.

I hear there are parents who are upset you’re passing out your Unhappy Meals to their children. Stephanie Gibson, one of these outraged parents in Albany, New York, told the media: “I don’t want my son to be around something like this. This is not fair for a child.”

I want you to know that I’m outraged by these parents’ outrage. I carefully checked out your Unhappy Meal which includes blood stains, a bloody rubber chicken, a cut-out of a knife-wielding Ronald McDonald and photos of mutilated animals. I don’t see what the problem is. If I were seven and someone gave me this, I would think it was the coolest thing in the world! I totally agree with your spokesperson who said children see more disturbing images all the time, so what’s the big deal?

Now, you should know I’m not a vegetarian. In fact, I’m eating a Big Mac and six-piece Chicken McNuggets at this very moment. But that doesn’t mean I’m unsympathetic to your cause. Quite the opposite, my friend. Anyone who can take such a beloved icon as Ronald McDonald and portray him as a homicidal maniac is all right in my book. Let’s be honest, clowns are scary and Ronald always freaked me out. Look at this old McDonald’s commercial:

If I saw that as a kid, I’d have nightmares for years. Thanks for calling McDonald’s out for selling such disturbing imagery to our young. It really is all about the children, isn’t it?

What I love about PETA is that you are totally willing to do the craziest shit to win people over to your side, and we all know there’s no better way to win anyone over than with crazy shit. If I were a parent and you gave my child one of your Unhappy Meals, I would be like, “This is awesome, PETA! Thanks for making my kid a prime candidate for years of expensive therapy. Where do I sign up?”

And I also love that instead of asking a well-known and respected celebrity vegetarian like, say, Natalie Portman or Paul McCartney to take part in your campaign, you use Andy Dick:

Andy Dick playing a crazed Ronald McDonald? You should see an immediate spike in your membership. After all, you can’t go wrong with Dick.

Please let me know if you plan on protesting in front of any McDonald’s in the L.A. area because I’m totally there. I have this script set in a Russian Gulag I’ve been trying to get to Andy Dick—he’d be perfect in it. But I’ve also been told PETA rallies are a great place to meet chicks. In fact, I know a lot of guys who attend your events just to hit on the hot PETA women. I can see the advantages of dating an animal-loving, veggie woman—they’re used to taking care of dirty, scruffy animals so I don’t have to worry about maintaining any societal standard of “personal hygiene.” They’re probably in great shape with all that healthy food they put in their bodies. And I bet they’re cheap dates—take them out to dinner and all they’re going to order is the salad. That’s important during these lean economic times.

My only criticism with your McCruelty campaign is I don’t think it goes far enough. Why stop with just Ronald and a knife when there’s a whole rogue gallery of evil McDonald’s characters–as well as a wide range of weaponry–you can use? Here’s a suggestion: Show all the secondary McDonald’s characters like Grimace, the Hamburglar and Mayor McCheese hanging upside down from meat hooks while Ronald guts them with a machete. Heee-larious! I can already feel the seven-year-old inside me getting a hard-on at the thought of seeing that.

There are more ideas where that came from, but they’ll have to wait since I’m getting a little hungry again. I’m going to run out and grab a Quarter Pounder, but give me a call anytime and we’ll chat.