Dear Parent:

If one or both of you are Korean and your child is about to have his or her first birthday, you’re most likely in the midst of planning a big celebration. In the Korean culture, the first birthday is a major occasion. The Dol or Dol Janchi is important because in the olden days, the infant mortality rate was very high for babies and it was considered a milestone to reach one’s first birthday (the first 100 days were also important) and the special day was marked with a big party.

This tradition still continues and one of the things that happens at this celebration is a ritual called the dol jabi. Here’s how it works–a number of items are left in front of the child and whatever he or she grabs is supposed to predict the baby’s future. Traditionally, items such as a book (to represent a scholarly future), string (long life) or money (wealth) are placed in front of the child. So if the birthday baby chooses the money, for example, he or she is supposed to become rich. More modern items can also be used such as a football (to signify a future athlete), a mouse (future computer genius) or even a movie camera (future filmmaker).

Now I’ve been to a number of dol celebrations recently and while this tradition may be my favorite part of the festivities, there’s one problem with it: It lacks serious drama.

Why? Because every item the baby can pick represents something “positive.” So let’s say that he or she chooses long life over money…is that really a bad thing? Nope, what we need to do is introduce a sense of danger to this ritual to make it more interesting by including items no Korean parent would want their kid to ever choose. Along those lines, here are some suggestions for things that you can include to increase your dol jabi drama…

GENDER NEUTRAL ITEMS:

Yarmulke

With the possible exception of the mostly Catholic Filipinos, no other Asian group has embraced Christianity as readily and completely as Koreans. And if you’re talking about Korean Americans, well, you’re more likely to find someone who doesn’t like kim chi before you do a non-Christian (or fallen Christian as the case may be). So the thought of your child growing up and converting to something like…Judaism? Big no-no! But if your baby does pick up the Yarmulke, get ready to scream “Oy vey” yourself as you try to find a Kosher dukboki recipe to serve at your child’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah while attempting to come to terms with the fact that your precious baby will burn in hell for all of eternity for rejecting Jesus Christ.

Japanese Flag

It’s been decades since the Japanese occupation of Korea, but there are still Koreans who have never forgiven Japan, who still refuse to buy Japanese products or patronize Japanese businesses and who look on any Japanese person with suspicion and hate. If this is you, may I suggest including a Japanese flag as one of your baby’s dol jabi choices? Look, with a parent like you, your kid’s probably going to grow up to become a douchebag who blames you for all of his or her problems anyway so if they end up working for Sony or marrying a Japanese or turning into some other form of “Jap sympathizer,” at least this way, you’ll have a justifiable reason for hating them back.

ITEMS FOR GIRLS:

G-String

Parents may feel guilty and blame themselves if their daughter grows up to become a stripper or a ho. So why not do something to prevent this now? If your baby girl chooses the g-string (you can also substitute the g-string for other related items like a vibrator or six inch “fuck me” heels) at least you can immediately act to put her on a more “respectable” path by locking her up for the next 30 years in a remote monastery where the nearest man is 1,000 miles away. But if your baby girl not only picks up the g-string, but proceeds to put it on and stuffs it with her dol jabi money, it’s probably already too late. You might as well prepare for the inevitable by giving her this lovely gift so she can get a head start on her future:

Woody Allen DVD

What’s worse than your daughter growing up to become a stripper or ho? How about growing up to marry a creepy dweeb who’s a billion years older than her and is also technically her “father”? You think the han you’re experiencing now is bad? Wait ‘til you get tangled up in this family drama that’s likely to make the fucked-up shit that happens in Oedipus (the Greek dude who killed his father and fucked his mother) look like the plot from an episode of Hannah Montana.

ITEMS FOR BOYS:

Pimp Stick

We all know it’s hard out there for a pimp so if this is your son’s choice, stock up now on the gin and juice, the benjamins your boy’s gonna be needing to bail his bitches out of jail and purple fur coats. And instead of focusing on the negatives, think of the bright side of having a pimp for a son like…uh…how he’ll be breaking Asian male stereotypes by not becoming an engineer, doctor or some computer geek, right? And if your daughter has already selected the g-string at her own dol, at least you’ll be keeping it all in the family.

Liza Minnelli CD

We all know how much Koreans hate gays so what could be worse than your son choosing the Liza Minnelli CD and turning into…one of them? Well, he could also grow up to convert to Judaism, work as a man ho for a Japanese pimp and end up marrying Woody Allen. So, hey, it’s not so bad when you look at it that way. Happy birthday!

Oh, and before I forget…

ITEM YOU SHOULD NEVER INCLUDE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE:

Soju bottle

I realize I’ve been arguing to add things that will make your child’s dol jabi more dramatic and exciting, but under no circumstances should you include a soju bottle or any other form of alcohol. If your child even has a drop of Korean blood in their body, I guarantee you that will be the one and only thing he or she reaches for. And once that happens, there’s nothing you can do but resign yourself to a future that looks like this:

And this:

And this:

And maybe even this (if we’re lucky):