Mr. Crudup:

I’m a very obsessive person.

Wait.  Let me start over.

I am a huge fan, although I would like to confess that I am not the most familiar with your entire body of work.

Wait.  Let me start over.

I just checked IMDb and it is safe to say you’ve an amazing body of work, of which I am a fan even if I have not seen them all.

Hm.  Yeah, let’s just keep this trainwreck going.  Anyway, I just recently caught Almost Famous and you once again came to the forefront of my attention.

The movie was fantastic, but I must confess that watching it only served to awaken a desire I’d long ago forgotten:

Better yet, can I just have your voice, like in a kind of trade?  Is that thing in The Little Mermaid real?

Admittedly, this fixation all started with those Mastercard commercials you do.

“For everything else there’s Mastercard.”  ”For everything else there’s Mastercard.”  “For everything else there’s Mastercard.”

That phrase, with your voice, is like some sort of siren song that leads me to one of your movies instead of a shipwreck.  I can’t help but Netflix a movie with you and your voice as a means of catharsis for the bizarre feelings that well up inside me.

Except for Watchmen because that blue wang you rock in the movie is just so hypnotic, I can’t even focus on your voice.

Epic dick is epic.

Okay, so I don’t really expect us to trade voices.  But at the very least, could you record a voicemail message for me?  Something like “Hi, this is Billy Crudup.  There are some things money can’t buy, like Jerome being here right now.  For everything else there’s Mastercard.”

Come on, Mr. Crudup – it’s the Internet!  If you leave me a recording of this, it can go viral and stuff.

But most importantly, the most baller voice in the world will have recorded my voicemail message.  I’d never pick up my phone again!

Yours sincerely,

Jerome