Musician John Mayer is stirring up a storm of unwanted controversy with statements he made in an interview in the current issue of Playboy magazine. Among his transgressions—using the “n” word (“Someone asked me the other day, ‘What does it feel like now to have a hood pass? If you really had a hood pass, you could call it a n—– pass But I said, ‘I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’”), going into detail about sex with Jessica Simpson (“Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.”) and, most interestingly, revealing that his penis is racist (“My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, ‘Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.’”).

Mayer has since apologized for his comments, but the controversy continues. However, in all the media frenzy, no one has scored an interview with John Mayer’s penis himself. That is until now. In another YOMYOMF exclusive, we talk with Mayer’s penis to get his side of the story straight from his mouth head.

YOMYOMF: So John Mayer referred to you as a “white supremacist” and a “fuckin’ David Duke cock,” what do you have to say to that?

JOHN MAYER’S PENIS: I want to go on record to unequivocally state that I am not, nor have I ever been, a racist. I’m an equal opportunity cock. Man, I’ll stick myself in anything, believe me, I’m not picky at all. I’ve stuck myself in women of all races, religions and backgrounds. Hell, I’ve stuck myself in livestock, inanimate dolls, animate dolls, cantaloupes, watermelon, Chinese pastries, I mean if I’m walking and I see a hole in the wall, I’ll be like, “damn, I should stick myself in that hole in the wall” and I’ll do it. I will fucking do it–I’m not even kidding. Shit, I was sticking myself in pies before that movie ever came out.

JOHN MAYER’S HAND: (interjecting) Don’t forget me.

JOHN MAYER’S PENIS: Of course, how could I forget you? You’re my favorite.

JOHN MAYER’S ASS: (interjecting) And me.

JOHN MAYER’S PENIS: Yeah, honestly, I still don’t know how I was able to physically accomplish that, but yup, I stuck myself in there too. So how can I be racist? And I met David Duke’s penis once at a cock fight and, let me tell you, that dude is a real dick.

YOMYOMF: So why do you think John Mayer would say these awful things about you?

JOHN MAYER’S PENIS: Look, no one knows John better than me. And I can say with no hesitation that he’s a really great guy. But sometimes he tries to be funny and says stupid things. Look, we all make mistakes, the public should just give him the benefit of the doubt and forgive him.

YOMYOMF: Did you see the footage of the apology he made at his concert on Wednesday night. Here it is if you haven’t:

JOHN MAYER’S PENIS: See, you have to admit, that’s a sincere apology.

YOMYOMF: I don’t disagree but, don’t you think it’s strange that he apologized for using the “n” word but not for calling you a white supremacist cock?

JOHN MAYER’S PENIS: Hmm, maybe he apologizes for that later in…

YOMYOMF: No, if you watch all the footage, he only apologizes for his “n” word remark.

John Mayer’s Penis starts to look deflated and limp.

YOMYOMF: And this isn’t the first time John Mayer has taken an unfair shot at you. In fact, he disses you a lot in interviews. For example, here’s something he said about you in a 2006 interview: “I’m not worried about how small my penis is – I’m worried about how dark it is. I have a Dominican penis. My penis hit six home runs last year; my penis wears shoes without socks.”

JOHN MAYER’S PENIS: He called me dark? I mean he was the one taking me to the tanning salons all the time.

YOMYOMF: And small. Don’t forget small.

JOHN MAYER’S PENIS: (uncomfortable) He was just…joking. I’m not small. I mean I’m not as big as Wilt Chamberlain’s penis but…oh shit, I’m not implying that Wilt’s penis is big ‘cause it’s black—I mean African American–‘cause that would be racist and I’m not racist at all, but…I’ve been told I’m above average in size.

YOMYOMF: Who told you that?

JOHN MAYER’S PENIS: Uh…David Duke’s penis.

YOMYOMF: So you’re saying that David Duke’s penis is kinder to you than John Mayer is?

JOHN MAYER’S PENIS: (pause) You know what, you’re right! John’s an ass!

JOHN MAYER’S ASS: Hey, don’t lump him in with me.

JOHN MAYER’S PENIS: Sorry, no insult intended. And Jessica Simpson ain’t all that. No way I’d pay $10,000 to tap that again, maybe $50 and a six-pack of Coors! You know what–fuck John Mayer! F-U-C-K him! Next time he wants me to perform, forget it! I’m going to make it hard for him. I mean—difficult for him! I’m not going to stick myself in anything he wants to stick me in until he apologizes. This is a boycott. A “boy-cock” if you will!

JOHN MAYER’S HAND: (sad) Does that boycott extend to me too?

JOHN MAYER’S PENIS: (conflicted) I…I don’t know. You’re my favorite and I can’t bear the thought of being apart from you, but I have to take a stand and…don’t make this any more difficult then it already is. (long pause)

YOMYOMF: Uh…thank you for taking the time to answer my questions.

JOHN MAYER’S PENIS: (to John Mayer’s Hand) I wish I knew how to quit you!

YOMYOMF: Oh-kay, I think it’s time for me to go.