PRINCE

Prince Gomolvilas is a Thai American playwright, who will be appearing in Customs & Departures: An Evening With Thai-American Writers on June 24, 2010, in Los Angeles and whose MYSTERIOUS SKIN (based on the novel by Scott Heim) will open at East West Players in L.A. in September 2010. He writes Bamboo Nation, a blog about arts, entertainment, and stuff. You know, stuff.

Whenever I have trouble sleeping at night and I’m plagued by nagging thoughts about whether Elena Kagan should be on the Supreme Court or whether I should have more female friends or whether this whole “being gay” thing is working out, all I have to do is think of the movie, Obsessed, and I suddenly have all the answers and I fall asleep faster than a narcoleptic at an M. Night Shyamalan film.

As you may or may not know, Obsessed is that trashy-good 2009 thriller that’s also known as “the black Fatal Attraction” or “that movie where Beyonce and that white chick beat the shit out of each other.” And if I learned anything from studying the three female leads in Obsessed, it’s that ALL WOMEN ARE CRAZY. (In case the implications of this aren’t clear: Elena Kagan should stick to soliciting generals, the process of applying to be my friend should be open to men only, and I should continue to make Zac Efron collages for my bedroom wall.)

Let’s break down our cast of female characters one by one, shall we?

The Craziness of Lisa, Played by Ali Larter

In order to understand the magnitude of Lisa’s craziness, we must briefly revisit Fatal Attraction. In that seminal 1987 nightmare vision of infidelity and one-night stands, Alex (Glenn Close) makes Dan’s (Michael Douglas) life a living hell by doing all the normal things spurned lovers do–you know, dumping acid on his car, wielding a knife, boiling his daughter’s pet bunny. For more than 20 years, Alex has pretty much been the last word on crazy.

But you know what? Dan may be married with a kid and terrorized throughout the movie, but we understand that his adulterous actions have consequences. (You simply can’t get away with love in an elevator and fucking your mistress against a running sink without paying a price.) And Alex’s behavior may have been outrageous, but we understand that she was sufficiently seduced into thinking the brief affair could be something more. (After all, elevator and sink sex are practically wedding vows.) Put simply, Alex’s craziness had a source and that source was a Michael Douglas Hot Beef Injection.

What’s the source of Lisa’s craziness in Obsessed?

There is none!

You can imagine Ali Larter on the set of the film asking writer David Loughery and director Steve Shill, “What’s my motivation?” And they both answered, “You have no motivation! You’re just a crazy white bitch!”

You see, Lisa is, well, obsessed with her new boss, the handsome and hunky Derek, played by The Wire’s Idris Elba. When he rejects her, she tries to commit suicide by overdosing on pills, naked in his hotel room at a company retreat. Later, she infiltrates his house to secretly hold and kiss his baby and leave a lipstick smudge on his forehead. Then, she smashes up his bedroom like an epileptic cat burglar when he and his wife are out. And finally she breaks into his home at the end, which of course leads to “that scene where Beyonce and that white chick beat the shit out of each other.”

Now, compared to Alex with her bunny murder and what not, Lisa may not come across as all that crazy. But consider the fact that Lisa’s behavior does not have a source. She is never offered an Idris Elba Hot Beef Injection. He is never complicit in any of her actions. In fact, he’s so saintly that you begin to wonder if he even has a hot beef injection to give in the first place. The only thing that he could be considered guilty of is that he talks to Lisa, looks at Lisa, and is friendly to Lisa.

You see, Lisa is just plain nuts. She has completely fabricated an imaginary affair with Derek. She liquors him up and tries to date rape him in a restroom stall at a company party–only they’re not on anything remotely resembling a date. She puts on sexy lingerie and tries to date rape him in his car–only, again, they’re still not on a date. And then she slips him a roofie and finally successfully date rapes him at a company retreat–only, again, still not dating!

In 1987, men’s cocks drove women crazy. In 2009, women just are crazy.

The Craziness of Sharon, Played by Beyonce

You expect Beyonce to protect her marriage and family, so you can’t really call her crazy too, right?

Wrong.

Beyonce doesn’t go as batshit as the stalker, but she seizes her fair share of inspired lunacy in the film.

In Fatal Attraction, Anne Archer’s Beth also protects her marriage and family by firing the kill shot that takes Alex down. Obsessed pushes Beyonce’s role to its absurdly delightful extreme.

First of all, after Sharon learns about Lisa’s overdose and the shit hits the fan, Sharon immediately sides with the nutcase and assumes her husband is having an affair. She berates him in public, calls his defenses “bullshit,” throws a dish against the floor, and screams, “Get yo ass outta my house!”

But wait. She’s not done. She wants to yell at both him and the officer assigned to the case: “One of you got to do something about this woman. Or I will!”

But wait. She’s still not done. She calls Lisa on the phone to leave this message: “You think you’re crazy? I’ll show you crazy. Just try me, bitch!”

This of course leads to “that scene where Beyonce and that white chick beat the shit out of each other.” When Beyonce yells, “Come here, bitch, I’m gonna wipe the floor with your skinny ass,” you know she means it. And then she proceeds to wipe the floor with Lisa’s skinny ass.

The Craziness of Veronica, Played by Christine Lahti

Surely, you ask, the police officer played by Christine Lahti must side with Derek, right? It’s obvious to her that Lisa is a compulsive liar and insane, correct? After all, Veronica, this police officer, must be a smart and kind and compassionate individual because Christine Lahti played a smart and kind and compassionate doctor on Chicago Hope for years. In fact, she also played a doctor in about a half dozen other movies, including one titled The Doctor.

But no.

She doesn’t believe Derek when he says that he never had an affair with Lisa. In fact, she speaks to him condescendingly, which instigates Beyonce to go into that “bullshit” rant.

Veronica doesn’t bumble the case or anything, but, because she doesn’t really take Lisa’s craziness seriously, Veronica is unable to stop Lisa’s almost-babynapping or her bedroom vandalism or her home invasion, which of course leads to “that scene where Beyonce and that white chick beat the shit out of each other.”

Veronica doesn’t show up until the house is pretty much destroyed and after Beyonce has indeed wiped the floor with Lisa’s skinny ass. She couldn’t see this coming? It was in the goddamn trailer!

Conclusion

Derek has absolutely no females he can turn to for comfort and counsel throughout the entire movie because they’re all too busy being nuts. The only people who come even close to helping him are two straight white guys. (The gay guy in the film is kind of an idiot.)

So, the lesson you take away from Obsessed is all women are crazy and they will try to date rape you or break your dishes or accuse you of lying when you are obviously telling the truth.

The good thing about this lesson, however, is that when things go wrong it will all eventually lead to something very much like “that scene where Beyonce and that white chick beat the shit out of each other”–which is now the gold standard for Hollywood catfights.

I’m totally serious about this–I honestly have the last 15 minutes of Obsessed permanently recorded on my DVR, and I play it for friends when they come over. Yup, the final fight scene (I haven’t spoiled anything–they gave it all away in the trailer anyway) is that long, and it’s worth every glorious second. (If you’re never going to see the film, you must at least watch the finale–start your Netflix stream at the 1:30 mark.)

Aside from the catfight’s pure entertainment value, it is also a reminder to me that, if I ever get into some deep shit, all the crazy women around me will eventually sort things out themselves if I let them and I don’t even have to get involved, just like “that scene where Beyonce and that white chick beat the shit out of each other.” I should carry around a video camera, just in case.