Of course there are obvious examples of anti-Asian racism like Rush Limbaugh’s recent ching chong mocking bullshit. But sometimes that racism is so subtle that you may not even realize that it’s racism. Well, lucky for you, I possess a finely tuned sensitivity to all things that are offensive to our peeps. So here are nine anti-Asian things you probably didn’t realize were anti-Asian. Prepare to be schooled!

1) KELIS’ “MILKSHAKE”

I have no doubt that Kelis’ milkshake really does bring most of the boys to the yard and they really are like, “Damn, that is indeed better than yours!” But you know which boys won’t be in that yard enjoying her delicious milkshake? Asian boys. Why? Because most of us are lactose intolerant! And though we may want her milkshake as much as that other guy and would be willing to learn from her even if she does charge ‘cause we’re Asian and we roll like that…well, apparently we’re just shit out of luck. So while the Daniel Days of the world can drink her milkshake:

The Daniel Daes won’t be so lucky:

2) CHEESE NIPS

You may think of this as just an innocent snack item, but then, you’d be wrong. First of all, they’re called Cheese Nips. Who the fuck names anything “Nips?” You might as well change the name of Milk Duds to Milk Fags or Hershey’s Kisses to Hershey’s Wetbacks. Secondly, if the racist name itself wasn’t a giveaway, how about the yellow/brown-ish color of the snacks themselves? If you’re going to call something “nips,” at least make them green or white so you can keep a straight face when you swear there was no offense intended. And does it bother anyone else that they’re created to be light and thin so you’ll be hungry again an hour after you eat them? Yeah, that’s definitely not racist. I also don’t think it’s a coincidence they were invented in 1955 following the anti-Asian hysteria of WWII/the Korean War and at the height of the Cold War and the ascent of Communist China. Am I suggesting Cheese Nips are at the heart of some anti-Asian propaganda conspiracy? I’d answer honestly if the government hadn’t bugged my internets.

3) STAR TREK

The Star Trek TV and film franchise is often heralded as a shining model of diversity. Maybe that’s true by late 20th/early 21st century Hollywood standards, but let’s look at this logically as Mr. Spock would say. Asians are already the vast majority of the world’s population. Even if you just take the people currently living in China and India—that’s pretty much almost everyone in the world. Star Trek is set hundreds of years in the future. Yet, most of the humans you see are white folk? That really is science fiction. If we wanted to apply true logic, the crew of the Enterprise would be at least 90% Asian or hapa and the only “pure” whiteys on board would be cleaning the intergalactic toilets or serving Cardassian Sunrises in Ten Forward.

4) ITALIAN FOOD

What would Italian cuisine be without pasta? Just a bunch of sauces with no purpose in life. And that would’ve been the reality had Marco Polo not traveled to China and brought pasta back to his native Italy where it was embraced by the Italians as their own creation, effectively erasing all traces of its Asian origins. So think about that the next time you’re eating “authentic” Italian pasta at Papa Guido’s and acting as a willing participant in this…cultural food amnesia genocide. And cuisine isn’t the only thing those sneaky Italians have stolen from Asians. Italians have great pride that it was one of their own, Christopher Columbus, who “discovered” America (never mind that the Indians were already here), but guess what, Snooki? China made it to the New World first in 1421.

Look, I know you Italians want to celebrate your heritage and all, but how would you feel if we blatantly ripped off one of your greatest cultural accomplishments:

And called it our own:

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

5) GAYDAR

According to the Urban Dictionary, gaydar is “the ability/gift of being able to detect homosexuality in other people.” Short of seeing someone draped in a feather boa and singing Liza Minnelli tunes while high on ecstasy, most people’s gaydar is based on less flamboyant “homosexual” traits they might observe in a supposed gay man such as being better dressed/groomed than most women, possessing delicate body features, a meterosexual vibe, and a slight sense of uncomfortableness about being in their own skin. Wait, are we describing a gay guy or an Asian American guy? And therein lies the problem…many of the traits that allegedly trigger the gaydar are also the same stereotypical traits applied to Asian guys. So any wonder why we get racist shit like Details magazine’s “Asian or Gay” piece from a few years back:

6) THE VIOLIN

As we recently learned from Tiger mom, one of the rules for raising your children in the Chinese/Asian style is to make them play piano or violin. I get why learning the piano could be valuable and practical—maybe one day, you can apply those skills to play synth for Lady Gaga. But the violin? If this was 18th century Vienna, I could see its usefulness, but who cares about the violin in 2011? Oh yeah, Asian kids who are forced to play it by their parents. Wait…I take back what I said about the violin being useless, it does serve one purpose—as a tool of oppression for Asian American children everywhere! I get that Tiger parents want their children to study an instrument to learn discipline, but at least pick something that’s cool—the guitar or the sax or even the cow bell. The violin is probably the least cool instrument…well, aside from the pan flute. Don’t do that to your kids. Isn’t their bowl haircuts painful enough?

7) GRADING ON A CURVE

This system could mean potentially awesome results for students since the grade you get on a test is relative to what your fellow students get and not some fixed standard. So instead of needing to score 90-100% to get an “A,” you could get that same “A” by scoring 75% if that happens to be the top score in the class. So in theory, if everyone does as poorly as you do, it’s still all good. However, in practice, it hardly works out that way…especially if there’s an Asian student in the class. ‘Cause you know that Asian kid is not only going to get all the answers correct, but also ace the extra credit questions and score 110% on the test. So now, not only is the curve fucked up ‘cause of this one person, but it’s even worse. Because of the Asian student’s abnormally high score, you will need to score 100-110% to get an “A” now. This realization will lead to the Asian kid getting his ass kicked during recess by the non-Asian students and now everyone loses. I wouldn’t be surprised if grading on a curve were responsible for more acts of anti-Asian violence than the creation of Pearl Harbor Day, the emergence of China as a superpower and Long Duk Dong combined.

8 ) AUTOBIOGRAPHIES

In traditional Asian culture, the group or community is more important than the individual. In Western culture, it’s all about the individual. So is it any wonder that the autobiography a.k.a. the most narcissistic and annoying literary form ever created is such a popular part of Western culture. And is it any surprise that Asian American writers have so readily embraced that genre as a way to finally break free of their cultural shackles and tell their story? The only problem is that pretty much every Asian American autobiography tells the exact same story. Reading them, you could easily come to the conclusion that: 1) every Asian had abusive, unloving parents, 2) Asian guys are dicks, and/or 3) all of life’s problems can be solved by playing mah-jongg or eating dim sum. Can someone please pass a law outlawing the writing of autobiographies unless: 1) you’re a porn star, 2) you’ve killed a man and not in self-defense, and/or 3) you’ve done blow with George W. Bush or Keith Richards.

9) CAMERON DIAZ

Many Asian Americans are praising Jay Chou’s Kato in the new Green Hornet film. Apparently, this Kato isn’t just a sidekick, but an equal to the Green Hornet and even has some romantic moments with leading lady Cameron Diaz. That’s fine and all, but in the original script, the Chou-Diaz romance went further and included a kiss between the two—something that’s missing from the final film. Is this another example of the Hollywood powers-that-be denying the Asian man the chance to get it on with a woman? Nope, this time it was a case of the leading lady nixing an idea that everyone else was on board with. Green Hornet writer Evan Goldberg recently addressed this in an interview:

“…(Diaz) said, ‘I’m not kissing them.’ And we were like, ‘You have to kiss someone!’ She’s like, ‘No, no I don’t. That’s what always happens. I don’t want to kiss anybody.’ And the studio was like, ‘Can you please make her kiss Kato? Please make her kiss Kato.’ And she was just like, ‘I ain’t kissing no one.’”

So let me get this straight…the filmmakers wanted Diaz to kiss Chou? Even the evil, Asian male-emasculating movie studio wanted her to kiss Chou? And she said, “nope, I ain’t doing it.” I mean I can understand why she wouldn’t want Seth Rogen’s tongue in her mouth but…Cameron, girl, what is up with you?! Just for that, I’m gonna take a stand and…and stop masturbating to any images of you. Well…unless you leak a sex tape or go full frontal in your next movie. But aside from that, I’m putting my foot down and keeping my pants zipped in protest, so live with that!

(Thanks to Offender David for the milkshake photoshop)