Contrary to what some people may think, the Bible did not fall fully-formed to earth from the heavens. It was written and edited by flesh and blood men who had their own agendas, biases and opinions, which couldn’t help but find their way into the finished text. And if the good book had been written by Asians, it would’ve reflected our cultural biases as well. Here are 5 things that would have been different if this had indeed been the case.
1) NOAH’S ARK WOULD HAVE BEEN A LOT LESS CRAMPED
OK, being the vengeful God that He tends to be in the Old Testament, the Almighty approaches Noah and explains how everyone in the world is wicked, therefore, the world will be destroyed by a great flood. But being the only righteous dude on earth, God will spare Noah and his family, but they must build an ark and collect two of every animal so they can ride out the catastrophe and re-populate the planet afterwards.
What the fuck?! This is messed up in so many ways.
First of all, this is God a.k.a. the Supreme Being who created…oh, everything! Couldn’t He just—I don’t know—re-populate the earth by creating more animals Himself?
I mean do you know how hard it would be to collect two of every single animal that exists? And then to have to build an ark that’s big enough to house all of them with no help except from your immediate family ‘cause the moment you tell anyone else about it, they’re going to want a seat on that boat? How exactly does one keep such a thing a secret from your neighbors anyway? You now have the hull of a big ass ship and thousands of animals roaming around on your property. Your neighbors are going to come around and be like, “Hey Noah, what’s up? What’cha building here? Looks like the type of ark one would use to survive a disastrous flood or something. And what’s up with the cheetahs and ferrets and llamas hanging out in your yard? Pretty unusual, don’t you think?”
OK, but let’s put logic aside and assume Noah and his animal kingdom entourage are on the ark and waiting for the floods to subside. Well, it’s no secret that Asian folk will pretty much eat anything. No way Noah and his family are going to be on that ark for that long and not be tempted to cook themselves up some tiger penis or monkey brain stew especially if the only other food alternative on board is the pre-historic equivalent of bland granola bars.
You just know by the time the flood recedes, half them animals are going to be contently residing…in Noah’s stomach.
2) THE TEN COMMANDMENTS WOULD BE MORE “FLEXIBLE”
If you’ve ever taken your FOB mother or grandmother to a Macy’s or Nordstrom, I’m sure the following exchange will sound too familiar:
SALESWOMAN: That dress will be $400.
FOB: I give you $50.
SALESWOMAN: I’m sorry, ma’am, but the dress is $400.
FOB: OK, OK, $75 then.
SALESWOMAN: I’m sorry, but this isn’t a discounted item.
FOB: Oh, you good. OK, $100. That it. No more. Thank you. Make sure you put gift receipt in bag.
Yup, haggling is an accepted and normal part of many Asian cultures. So when Moses comes down from the mountain with the ten commandments—no way are his peeps going to just accept them without a little bit of “negotiating” first:
“OK, ‘thou shalt not kill’…that’s a good commandment, but what if someone tries to kill you first or what if that person killed your wife or best friend first? Can we change that to ‘thou shalt not kill except in self-defense or if the person you kill killed someone you care about first’?”
“’Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain.’ Again, good commandment in theory, but what about if you’re hammering a nail and accidentally hit your finger and you reflexively shout out something that can be construed as taking the Lord’s name in vain? Hardly think it’s fair to be penalized in an unavoidable situation like that so can we amend that?”
“I’m all for not coveting your neighbor’s wife, but what if she’s laying out in the front yard in a skimpy two-piece bikini slowly eating a banana and the lawn sprinklers suddenly turn on and spray her with droplets of water but she has no towel so she asks you if you can dry her off just at the moment a sudden wind kicks in and blows her top off? Surely, we can make an exception in a case like that?”
And so on…
3) JONAH WOULD HAVE RECEIVED A HARSHER PUNISHMENT
So God asks Jonah to do something for Him, but the dude refuses and runs away. Angered by Jonah’s actions, God sends this large fish to swallow Jonah and he is trapped in the beast’s belly for three days and three night before he repents and is vomited out.
What kind of wimpy punishment is that?
This is a God who destroys whole cities ‘cause dudes be enjoying a little too much anal lovin’ and wipes out the whole world with a flood ‘cause people are annoying Him. And the best He can do is sentence Jonah to spend a long weekend inside what is essentially an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet?!
I think the Almighty needs to be schooled in some good, old-fashioned Asian Tiger parenting techniques. Forget the belly of a fish, Asian Tiger God would’ve locked Jonah up in some dark dungeon with no food and minimal access to water. The only things in the room would be a violin and piano, which Jonah would be forced to practice playing at least 8 hours a day or he would be covered in cheese and hungry rats released into the room. When he’s not practicing his instruments, Jonah would spend his time doing Calculus homework while the happy sounds of Moses, David and Jacob enjoying a totally fun play date outside could be heard through the cold dungeon walls. But Jonah would not be allowed to take part ‘cause no play dates or sleepovers for him. As for the three days and nights of punishment? Screw that, we’re talking at least three weeks. That would teach Jonah a proper lesson—Asian Tiger parent style!
4) JESUS’ MOM WOULD HAVE GOTTEN ON HIS CASE TO GET MARRIED
“Mom, you know I can’t. I have to remain pure and clean in order to die on the cross for everyone’s sins.”
“I get it—you’re the son of God, bringing salvation to the world, sacrificing my body and blood, yadda, yadda, yadda, but you can’t get married? You can bring people back from the dead and walk on water, but you can’t find a nice girl to have children with? I want grandchildren!”
“Mom, you know I have to remain pure and a virgin.”
“Hey, I gave birth to you and I was a virgin. You’re telling me the great and mighty son of God can’t do something a frail, little girl did. I want grandchildren!”
“Stop getting on my case! That’s it, I’m outta here!”
“Jesus H. Christ, I’m not done with you! Where are you going? I better not find you hanging out with that awful Judas drinking wine you made from water!”
5) SATAN WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE BADASS
When we think of Satan a.k.a. the Devil, the image that usually comes to mind is of a badass red dude with horns and a pitchfork. Well, this and most other representations of Satan were only created many years, sometimes centuries, after the Bible was written. If you actually read the Bible, Satan hardly makes a physical appearance at all and when he does, he takes the form of what is essentially…a limp harmless serpent.
So let me get this straight…I’m the Prince of Darkness, evil incarnate and the ruler of hell and when I decide I’m going to visit earth and fuck with the humans, I’m going to take the form of an animal with no arms or legs? An animal that anyone can easily step on and crush? An animal that will only strike fear in four-year-olds, small rodents and Indiana Jones?
Really? This is the most badass villain in all of Western civilization and that’s the best we’re getting? That would be like discovering that an invincible, evil mastermind like Darth Vader was nothing more than a wrinkly old white guy with asthma.
But do you know who’s good at creating the most badass, scariest, fucked-up creatures? Asians. I mean we got blood-curdling vampires that can leap through the air and rip out your heart (no “sparkling” wussies here), ugly banshee motherfuckas that’ll eat your babies and dead chicks who’ll crawl out of your TV to fuck you up good.
Asians would have created an appropriately badass Satan who would be worthy of being the main adversary of an omnipotent God. As it stands, God is like Superman and Satan is the equivalent of a common bank robber or Lex Luthor minus the evil genius thing. Hardly a fair or interesting fight.