My girl(friend), Michelle Kwan

I have always found Michelle Kwan to be sexier than hell.  So much so that I have written her a personal marriage proposal love poem or two…or three.  Or four.

a true WMD - Wow Michelle, Damn!

Some friends say that my love for MKwan is false.  They say that I am only attracted to her because of the golden orbs of victory that dangle below the nape of her neck, her silky legs of granite that glisten wet when fundamentally dry, and her sensual, Kristen Stewart-esque lip-pursings before toe-picking her way, yet again, across the aches of my heart.  They say my love for her is more idol worship than nature’s intent.  They say my love for her is false.

What do I say?

Whatevahs.  Don’t hate da skater, hate da game.  This is crazy, but here’s my number…so call me maybe.

OK, so she didn’t call.  Yet.  But I did catch her staring at me more than a few times at several award shows over the years.  I think.  But then again, I didn’t have my glasses on.  And I wasn’t close enough to do a “thigh of granite” test squeeze on her slender shanks.  But I am pretty sure it was her.  I think.  Damn those Asian girls for always looking so exotically similar.

But enough with these lustful musings, for I must go to Costco now to buy some pillows.  Enjoy the video.  Proof positive that MKwan is sizzling on waters frozen and not.

Until we skate again, Michelle Kwan forevahs…

My Obituary

Alvarado, California no longer exists.  The small bay area town, named after the Mexican governor of California in the middle of the 19th century, merged with the adjacent town of Decoto in 1959 to become Union City.  Alvarado – while it existed – was where Sabio Carrabello was born, 90 years ago.  He died on July 20th, his wife of 71 years, Juanita, at his side.

Sabio met Juanita in high school, where he was quarterback of the football team.  They eloped to Reno prior to his enlistment in the navy.

After serving in World War Two, Sabio opened “Sabello’s” (apparently, a contraction of his first and last names), a barbershop in the sleepy town of Hayward, not that far from Alvarado, and worked as a barber for 56 years.

Around the Horn: Offenders Can Cook Edition

I’m trying to cook more at home. Even though my brother is a chef and my mother is an amazing cook, I don’t have the chef gene and my repertoire tends to be spaghetti, hot dogs and ketchup. Sometimes I will also make fried rice with tuna in a can. I know that sounds disgusting, but it’s actually really good! Oh, and I can do a mean beer can chicken. Just plug a can of beer up a chicken’s ass (season first with olive oil, herbs and spices), make it stand up like that Sledgehammer music video and cook in the oven for 90 minutes!

So yeah, I eat like an 18 year old frat kid, which is definitely not good.

More Japanese Robot Creepiness: Affetto, the Robot Baby

The Japanese are arguably at the forefront of robot technology (see examples here and here). And the latest robot creation to come from our Japanese friends is Affetto, the robot baby.

Designed and built by the eggheads at Osaka University’s Asada Labs, Affetto will be the “world’s most realistic baby” robot; created so researchers can better study the relationship between caregivers and babies. When completed, the robot baby will weigh about 3 pounds and be able to move its arms, neck and spine to simulate as closely as possible–a real baby.

Except real babies aren’t quite as creepy.

I guess these scientists aren’t too concerned about the “uncanny valley”—the idea that the more realistic a robot looks and acts, the creepier it’ll seem to humans.

SAF Seeking… OMG, It’s a RING!

Holy moly!!!!! Can it be TRUE?!?!

“I was thinking of using this diamond someday.”

He pulls out an old ring. The gold is unpolished, the metal a bit chinked. It’s a man’s ring. Probably belonged to someone with extremely big fingers.

My man looks at me. I’m sitting on the sofa in my underwear and a t-shirt. Ordinary day. Hot. 80 degrees. Windows are all open and an afternoon breeze is timidly trying to crawl in. He’s standing in his stripped skivvies.

KISS Hello Kitty Toilet Paper

I have to admit that I’m the last person who’d purchase any sort of Hello Kitty merchandising, but I may have to make an exception for this…

The rock band KISS and Hello Kitty have joined forces on a new line of toilet paper. Why would anyone even think to bring these two brands together? Hell if I know although I suspect the ingestion of large amounts of certain controlled substances were involved in the decision.

This isn’t the first time Hello Kitty has shelled toilet paper:

The YOMYOMF Network: Recap for Week of July 22

BFFs Episode 3 – Sean Connery

When Principal Kael positions Brett as a student council nominee, the BFFs’s struggle against suck escalates.

Will the girls stick together as the going gets tough?  Or is this next phase the last straw?

Internet Icon – The Judges’ Choice Challenge (Parts 1 and 2)

In the seventh episode of Internet Icon, each of the remaining contestants faces their own specific challenge, all created by judges Christine Lakin and Ryan Higa.  This week’s videos range from instructional to horror – but their ingenuity will have no bounds.

Which contestants will be the judges’ choice and who will be left on the bench?

The Short List: LOVE, NY

As part of our new YOMYOMF Network series, The Short List, where we present short films we love every Friday at Noon EST, we’ve reached out to the filmmakers of each highlighted short film, and asked them 5 Questions. It’s a way for them to revisit their film and get an update on their next projects. You can view all The Short List films here.

This week, we ask 5 questions to Vincent Lin, the director of Love, NY.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GRsW6a7Jjw[/youtube]

1. How did you come up with the concept for this short?

How Come Pubic Hair Stops Growing, but the Hair On Your Head Doesn’t?

Let’s see what the hoi polloi at Yahoo Answers had to say:

Stillwaters says, “Pubic hair doesn’t stop growing, the curls just get tighter, so it looks like it stops growing.”

Hmm.  Okay.  Maybe.

Itzel says, “This is the kind of thing you get curious about?”

Yes, Itzel, it is.

CAE says, “Best guess I can make on why it don’t grow long like the hair on our head is GOD knows what HE’S doing!!!”

Interesting.  Perhaps we should just trust in a Higher Power on pubic matters.

The Benefits of Wearing a Short Skirt in China

I’m sure there are a number of benefits to wearing a really short skirt, and at the Merryland Theme Park in the Chinese city of Guilin, discounted admission to the amusement park is one of them.

The park is offering a 50% discount to female visitors (18 and older) wearing skirts shorter than 38 centimeters (15 inches) during the months of July and August. As one park employee explained: “We chose 38 centimeters because it is scientifically proven to be the ideal skirt length for making women look beautiful. It’s natural for women to dress light during the summer. That makes this the perfect campaign for our female visitors.”

Well, how can you argue with science?

What do gun control, gay marriage, national health care have in common?

First, I’d like to express my deepest condolences to those who died or lost their loved ones in the Colorado theater shooting. Seconding Mr. Nolan, as a filmmaker, I am furious that Mr. Holmes might have forever ruined one of America’s favorite past time—going to the cinema and exploring our darkest and deepest fears in safety and pleasure. Mr. Holmes, you’re not the joker. You’re a terrorist just like those responsible for 9/11 who have curtailed our freedom in this country.

I can still remember the days when I met my family, friends and loved ones at the airport gates. It was one of my favorite things about this country when I could go all the way to the gate to see my loved ones off or receive them.

Now I may be looking forward to metal detectors and getting frisked at the movie theater, a place where I have spent so much of my life. Thinking deeper leads me to wonder what gun control, gay marriage and national heath care have in common?

Heroic Chinese Police Rescue Blow-up Sex Doll

One thing you can’t say about the police in the Shandong province of China is that they lack dedication. When they received a call about a “drowning woman,” 18 of Shandong’s finest spent an hour trying to rescue the woman, only to find that the woman was of the inflatable persuasion:

Between this, and the other recent story out of China about a news report that confused a sex toy for an exotic mushroom, all I can assume is the Chinese must be the leaders in making super realistic-looking sex toys.