Add Your Own Caption: Once More with Feeling Edition

If you’re not already following us on Facebook, Twitter and our new Tumblr, you’re missing out on a lot of extras you won’t find here on our blog including updates on various Offender-related projects (like the most recent updates about our upcoming YOMYOMF Network on YouTube) and silly, fun things like “Add Your Own Caption.” This is where we post an image we find online or that our readers forward to us and ask you to write an appropriate caption to accompany that image. And we’ll feature some of the captions here.

And the “best” caption for this final week of 2011 comes from reader Aaron Shizuo Aoki:

“Socket to me!"

So check out our Facebook page for future editions of “Add Your Own Caption”, write your own caption and/or “like” the ones you think are worthy and we may share them here.

A year’s worth of shout-outs – 2011.

Jesus H. Christ – 2011 is nearly over. 365 days gone, just like that. The road behind me is stretching longer and longer and often I wonder what will happen next, what people will enter my life and whose lives I will enter. Maybe I’ll enter a few women too – haha, intercourse.

But switching gears for a second, I’d now like to take this time to seriously and genuinely contemplate those that have walked into my life over the past year – however brief or long they might have stayed. Some may still, in fact, be in my life as I write this, to which I can only ask, “What the hell are you thinking?”

Let me not waste any more of your precious 2011 seconds:

A Vasectomy, Pain, and the Toll on a Marriage

I beg your forgiveness in advance, dear reader – as you might’ve guessed by the title, this isn’t exactly holiday fare, and it’s a bit long – but for anyone thinking about permanent birth control, or living with ongoing pain, this is my gift to you.

I had my vasectomy on a Friday afternoon six years ago – Friday the 13th, actually.

A few things I remember about that half hour in the doctor’s office: the female nurse shaving my testicles without water or shaving cream; the deep bite marks I left on the colored block of wood I brought along with me (borrowed from my son’s toy block set); the doctor adding extra cc’s of lidocaine to my left testicle because, as he put it, it was “tougher” than the right side; and the long puddle of sweat I left on the examination table.

Happy New Year or the Perils of Time Travel

This is the time when we look back at the past year and think about what we’ve done, where we’ve been, what we’ve learned and how far we’ve come (or maybe not come). I generally eschew these sort of end-of-the-year reflections, but these thoughts have been on my mind because the book I find myself reading as 2011 draws to a close is Evan Mandery’s latest novel Q.

Q is the story of an unnamed male protagonist, a writer/teacher, who is about to marry Quentina Elizabeth Deveril (the titular Q) a.k.a. the love of his life. But just before the wedding, our hero is visited by an old man who claims to be the future version of himself. The old man has indeed traveled back from the future and implores our hero not to marry Q because doing so will lead to dire and tragic consequences later in his life. Once our hero is convinced that his future self is really who he says he is and is serious, he heeds his advice and breaks off his engagement with Q.

What I Didn’t Get for Christmas: A $130,000 Diamond Toilet

No one beats the Japanese when it comes to the latest in toilet design and innovation, but their latest toilet creation might be considered even excessive for them. I give you the diamond-encrusted toilet valued at 10 million yen ($130,000):

Manufactured by Japanese company INAX and an Austrian jeweler, this creation contains 72,000 pieces of Swarovski cut crystal. Now, I have no idea what that is, but it definitely sounds impressive and expensive, which I suppose is the point if you’re going to make a toilet out of diamonds.

FLOUNDERING FILM FLUNKEE starts documenting everything!

Stifling my creativity is akin to holding my breath – sooner than later, I can only do it for so long before I need to come up for air.

In terms of writing, I get my daily burst of air from creating some poetry. Easy enough to do on my own. Filmmaking, on the other hand, usually requires a team of people. But if I can’t make something new everyday – or at least fairly frequently – I’m gonna wilt.

I can’t very well let myself suffocate, can I?

Recently, I found a solution: grabbing a video camera and recording everything – ALL THE THINGS!

A Funeral, a Baby and a Movie

This may sound like the most cliché holiday movie title but that was pretty much my year. My good friend J passed away the past April. It was really the first time that a good friend of my age died. Before J, the only person who was close to me passed away was my grandmother in 1993. Even to this day, which hasn’t been that long, I am still trying to make sense emotionally of the radical discontinuity of J’s death. The day before I spoke to him on the phone and the day after I could not talk to him forever.

On top of all that, the circumstances around his death were unusual. We kind of knew what happened but nothing was confirmed except to the police and his immediate family. A police investigation and arrests were also involved which further complicated the scenario.

If You’re a Japanese Woman, There’s a Good Chance You’re a Porn Star

I’ve always thought the Japanese were pretty awesome and here’s further proof of that: Apparently one Japanese woman in 200 has performed in a porn film.

Now, this number comes from a source in the Japanese porn industry and there doesn’t seem to be any real statistical data to support it, but let’s assume it’s true because, well, the world just seems better that way.

But lest you think this is a random figure, there is a logic behind it. According to this source, Japan releases 35,000 adult productions each year, which breaks down to a staggering 100 films per day. Between 2,000-3,000 new actresses make their debut every year and the industry has 150,000 experienced actresses in its ranks. There are 30 million Japanese woman between the ages of 19-55 so if one does the math…that comes out to one in 200 woman plying her wares in the porn biz.

Best Victory Celebrations: Touchdowns vs. Soccer Goals

My fifteen year old son Rafael’s DVR season passes include No Huddle, Sound FX, NFL Total Access, NFL Fantasy Live,The League, The Rich Eisen Podcast, and The Coach Show.

My DVR season passes include the Spanish Primera Division Soccer, Oh My Gol!, Bundesliga Soccer, and the UEFA Europa League Soccer.

I was born in Spain.

My son was born in the U.S. of A.

But whether you like or despise universal health care, like or despise a big military, like or despise stinky cheeses, I think we can all agree that NFL player Joe Horn’s “cell phone” celebration is the best victory celebration on either continent.

More From the Masturbation Champion of the World (And Yes, He’s Still Japanese)

Regular YOMYOMF readers may remember Tokyo native Masanobu Sato who holds the world record for the longest continuous masturbation session at 9 hours and 58 minutes. Not only have I blogged about Sato before but even offered to sponsor him for his upcoming competitions (no response yet unfortunately).

Well, if you’ve wanted to know more about what makes this talented young man tick and get a glimpse into his life, the folks at Metropolis TV recently did a profile of Sato, which you can watch below. But if you’re just interested in the highlights, here are some factoids from the segment:

Around the Horn: It’s The Thought That Counts

There’s something for everyone

Buying gifts during the holidays tends to be a double-edged sword for me.  It’s actually quite fun and novel for me to find things for people I don’t normally buy gifts for –  friends, colleagues, and those who have hard jobs helping people like me out (eg: the staff at my doctor’s office who normally get chewed out by fussy Santa Monica housewives).  I like to figure out what they need, what they wouldn’t buy for themselves but would enjoy, etc.

One Man’s Mental Process When Eating at an Expensive Restaurant.

Come on, come on. Please, please, please. Really? Let me drive around one more time. Hey – a free meter! ‘Valet parking only daily’?

I’m too fucking hungry for this shit – guess I’ll just pay for valet. Hope they don’t steal my change. Might be paying them with that later.

Probably shouldn’t have worn jeans. I saw the way the hostess looked when she checked my name. She gave me the once-over. A quick one, but a once-over all the same. Is it so hard to believe I can afford eating he — oh my god, is that a live octopus on a plate?