You are currently browsing the archives for November 2009.
How to crash a White House party
It’s almost a week since aspiring reality-TV D-baggers Tareq and Michaele Salahi crashed the Obamas’ state dinner and TV news still won’t shut up about them. I can’t count how many “how did they do it” pieces I still see every night. All the air time. All the graphics. All the animatics. All the reporting. Is it necessary? Isn’t it obvious how they were able to do it? Take a look at the picture real real close.
All I’m saying is there’s no way I could do it. Hell, I still get harassed at the gates of movie studios when I go for work and meetings. I’m not complaining or anything. It just is what it is.
it Sucks to be Tiger Woods
It sucks to be Tiger Woods.
Now I’m sure no one’s heart is bleeding for a 33 year old billionaire who’s married to a Nordic model and is one of the most admired athletes in history. Just the mere mention of his name to a passing stranger conjures up feelings and flavors of a life as champion – the stuff that dreams are made of. Tiger Woods has transcended the fairways and the links and into the hearts and minds of people around the world. He is no longer just a guy who happens to be good at golf and just happens to be 25% Chinese, 25% Thai, 25% African American, 12.5% American Indian and 12.5% Dutch (who knew DNA could mix to that degree). Tiger Woods has become an adjective, a metaphor for success. Tiger Woods is no longer human but an ideal, a brand.
SAF Seeking…. Respectful Public Nudity
Hmm, which head should I use to decide what kind of smoothie I want?
I love being nude in the great outdoors. We came into this world nude and we’ll probably be eaten by worms while we rot in the nude. Now if I’m traipsing thru poison oak, I prefer clothing, but it’s common within the hot springs community that ‘clothing-optional’ means NUDE. There are many arguments from people who prefer to wear clothing at such spots: “it’s bad for the children”, “it’s distracting”, “it’s dirty”, etc. However just to give insight, when everyone else is nude, and someone is determined to wear a bathing suit, well, it makes everyone feels awkwardly NAKED. It’s like how Adam might’ve felt when he first took a bite out of the forbidden apple: “I’m not nude, I’m shameful.” Anyway, for the most part, nudists tend to be respectful (despite people’s thoughts of nudists being perverted, public masturbators… those are not nudists, those are perverts) and the worst I ever got was when a nude hiker demanded that I ‘show him my titties’ when I was hiking in a bikini in the desert.
Original Offenders: Esther Wong
My fellow Offender Alfredo reminded me in his last post of how hot Debbie Harry is. And that made me think of the time I saw her live at a small Los Angeles club called Madame Wong’s West which I can pinpoint as the night I entered puberty (more on this later). But I would not have had that experience if it were not for Esther Wong a.k.a. the “Godmother of Punk.”
Born in Shanghai in 1917, Wong immigrated to the United States in 1949. In the 1970s and ‘80s, she owned two restaurants/clubs—Madame Wong’s in L.A.’s Chinatown and Madame Wong’s West in Santa Monica—that became the beacon for some of the greatest punk and rock n’ roll bands of the era.
TMZ + National Enquirer = positive Asian American portrayal?
Screw the networks and glossy magazines, the places to go for positive Asian American representation are TMZ and the National Enquirer. Exhibit A: TMZ coverage of Ken Jeong. Did they catch him outside some strip club with no underwear? Did they catch him karate kicking the cameraman? Did they catch him eating egg salad off some men’s room floor? No. They caught him picking up his parents from the airport. I love how much love is in that family and how cool they are with PDA. Priceless.
Exhibit B: Check out National Enquirer’s coverage on Ken.
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Thanks for Being San Francisco
I know Thanksgiving is over, but I just wanted to say thank you San Francisco, I love you. I love your skyline, your clanging cable cars, your steep hills, your incredible vistas, and most of all, your diversity. I grew up going to Chinatown for live blue crabs and sitting embarrassed on the bus as the crabs tried to claw their way out of the paper bags. I sat on the bus listening to 15 languages being simultaneously shouted across the aisles. I celebrated childhood with either Rose or Black Sesame ice cream from Polly Ann’s Ice Cream in the Outer Sunset, or Macapuno or Corn ice cream from Mitchell’s Ice Cream in the Mission. I spent my high school years ghost-hunting in Golden Gate Park looking for the White Lady (a ghost who’s apparently still searching for her child) at Stow Lake.
Betty White? Are You Serious?!
Back in college, one of my architecture professors, Ralf Weber (a dour man from the former East Germany), upon seeing a female student break down crying during a crit, said in his thick deutsche accent, “Your friends and family will always praise your work, no matter how bad. What you need from me is honesty.” Oof. Again, the Germans: long on truth, short on tact.
With that in mind, I offer Justin a spoonful of truth.
Betty White is fine. Betty White is great. Betty White should bake you cookies. Betty White should knit you a scarf. Betty White should offer you some sage advice about which fork to use at dinner. But leave her out of the bedroom.
Taun Taun Obsession
What’s with this blog and Taun Tauns? For all you non-geeks, these were the biped creatures that the Rebellion would ride on like horses on the ice planet of Hoth in the beginning of Stars Wars: The Empire Strikes Back.
We first blogged about the cool sleeping bag, fulfilling our boyhood dreams of using a lightsaber to gut out a taun taun and sleep inside one with innards and all. Scott Holden of Sacramento took this obsession one step further. See for yourself: 
You can also read up on detailed report on how to make your own taun taun costume with the following materials — 3D Studio Max mesh model, wood, clay, plaster, metal, foam, silicone, homemade stilts, and lots of fur.
Chinese Beauty in Red Coat entices the Interwebs
Lust, Caution 2: Electric Bugaloo
I had to write this up in response to Phil’s theory that Asian females are the hottest women ever. I’m currently in Taipei right now and saw this story on the evening news…. During President Obama’s visit to China almost two weeks ago, the Chinese media was rampant with reports not about foreign policy, the economy, internet rights or carbon emission policy.
Well, they were, but Chinese netizens were aflutter about the mysterious beauty that sat right behind the President during his speech in Shanghai on November 16. With her red coat and black dress, and steely, sultry looks, the identity of this hottie was under great speculation — ranging from being a cousin to famous actress, Fan Bing Bing, to being the niece to Yang Lan, a media tycoon in Shanghai.
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Double Happiness: Menthol Madness
When I was growing up, the solution to any bruise, headache, sprain, ailment of the moment was Kwan Loong Oil aka “Qu Feng You” which literally means “expelling wind oil”. The expelling wind oil radiated a noxious medicated menthol fume that could knock anyone out within a small city block. So, I often preferred being in pain over being rubbed down with the oil for fear of alienating anyone who wasn’t Chinese and over the age of 70. The alternative to Kwan Loong Oil was Tiger Balm which was pretty much the same thing except the mentholated medicine took the form of a greasy balm. Though my grand uncle used it religiously, our family were orthodox Kwan Loong Oil only. Like the Pepsi vs. Coke scenario, I have a feeling that there’s really only one mentholated cure-all that can rule the medicine cabinet – Kwan Loong Oil or Tiger Balm.
Tarjé
Is the day after Thanksgiving really full of incredible sales? Or do the sales get better in mid-December?
I didn’t go shopping today, but I’ve done my fair share for the economy b/c I live within spitting distance (if you can spit .8 miles) of a Target. Why don’t I go to Walmart? It’s supposed to have lower prices. Why am I so addicted to Tarjé??
An Open Letter To My Beautiful Asian Sistas Dating White Guys
Illustration by Peter W.
To My Beautiful Asian Sistas Who Are Dating White Guys:
No need to worry or get upset. This letter isn’t going to be what you think it might be considering it’s coming from an Asian American male perspective and this is a touchy subject. Let me start off by saying I have no issue with you dating white men. In fact, if you’ve kept up with my posts you’ll know that I have no problems with white dudes who have yellow fever either because, let’s face it—Asian chicks are the hottest women on the planet!
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Giving Thanks to the Little Things
This holiday season there’s a lot of things I’m thankful for: the health of my kids, my wife’s kind smile, the lack of foreclosure notice on my home, the way our dog Ozzy pushes a tennis ball in my face when I’m lying on the couch and he wants to play. Of course there’s Haagen Daz chocolate and peanut butter ice cream, the 60’s station on satellite radio, rainbows, meerkats, and, of course, cheap ass security cameras that you can get at Best Buy.
An Antidote To Tween Lust
For the minority of women out there who didn’t see ‘Twilight’, who like their martinis dry – not pink and sweet, and long for the days when men were men – not vampires, werewolves, or personified by a forgettable B-list actor, here are a few movie picks about love, romance, heartbreak, and the infuriating other sex that I think are worth lining up for.
What are your favorites?
1. The Thin Man series: The original ‘Nick’ and ‘Nora’ are the antithesis of those couples who wear matching outfits and pose in their bourgeois marital bliss (eg: Posh and Beck). Instead, they’re the kind of couple you aspire to be a part of and love hanging out with as you regale in their pitch perfect chemistry, genuine mutual affection, and sharp sense of humor. Despite being made in the 30s, Nick and Nora feel strikingly modern with their quick-witted barbs and equal-opportunity martini drinking.
1,001 Reasons I Love Movies: (#6) Planes, Trains And Automobiles
Of the holy trinity of American holidays—Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas—Thanksgiving has tended to get the short end of the stick when it comes to films. I dug Jodie Foster’s Home For Holidays and look forward to Eli Roth’s upcoming full-length feature version of Thanksgiving, but my favorite Thanksgiving movie to date has to be the late John Hughes’ 1987 comedy classic Planes, Trains And Automobiles.
Starring two of Hollywood’s finest comedic actors at the height of their powers—Steve Martin and the late, great John Candy—the film is a mismatched buddy comedy about an uptight advertising executive played by Martin who only wants to get home to Chicago in time for Thanksgiving but is foiled at every turn by circumstances beyond his control. To make matters worse, fate has forced him to travel with Candy’s annoying shower ring salesman.
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More Japanese Freakishness
Regular readers of this blog know I often post items about how the Japanese are freaks. I was going to ease off on our Japanese friends for awhile but how can I resist when I see things like this:
Thanks(for the pumpkin pie)giving
This past week, we offenders are trying out a new “flava of the week”. If you click on the icon to the right, you’ll see all the post so far. So appropriately this week’s flava is Thanksgiving. My family isn’t quite the type to celebrate holidays, let alone birthdays. So instead of sharing how our chinese family doesn’t eat turkey or yams or whatever white people eat, I’d like to instead share with you the very first time I tried pumpkin pie.
An Open Letter To TV Writers On How To Write Your ‘Chinatown’ Episode
Dear TV Writer:
My fellow Offender Roger recently wrote about how almost every television series has their “Chinatown” episode. Roger may have called you to task for doing this, but hey, I’ve written for TV before, and I know how difficult it is. You have to put out a new episode week after week and it’s hard work and sometimes you have to rely on familiar stand-bys to get you through a grueling schedule. Familiar stand-bys such as the “flashback” episode (mostly comprised of clips from past shows allowing you to take a little bit of a break), the “very special” episode (where the lead character has a bout with alcoholism, spousal abuse, ghost whispering or some other “hard-hitting” social issue) and the “Chinatown” episode. Believe me, I sympathize. In fact, let me do more than that. Let me make your job easier. If you’re about to write your “Chinatown” episode, make sure to include the following and you can’t go wrong.
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Omodaka, 8-bit Electropop band honors Red Light District of yore
Check out this cool music video from Omodaka, an experimental music project that fuses 8-bit sounds and beats with motion graphics. Their latest is called Plum Song and is a folk song rendition celebrating the Yoshiwara, or red light district in Edo (now Tokyo) during the Edo Period (1603 – 1868). The end result is a psychedelic fever dream that kind of reminds me of imagery from the ’80s. 
(Via TokyoMango)
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