In the Western world, men have specific ideas about the exotic and erotic East. Some of these notions are based in reality while others are pure stereotypes, but they all have one thing in common—if you really dig deep and think about it, these Asian things that are supposed to be sexy are anything but sexy. Here are ten examples:

1) EATING SUSHI OFF A NAKED WOMAN’S BODY

What could be hotter than eating sushi off the body of a beautiful naked chick? It’s the perfect union of the two awesomest things in the world: food and sex, right? But when you really consider this, you’ll find it’s actually more disgusting than sexy. The woman has to lie still for hours while the sushi is prepared, displayed and consumed from her naked body. I repeat—hours! Which is plenty of time for everything from sweat to germs to dirt to menstrual blood to all sorts of diseases and all the other yucky stuff the human body naturally excretes or attracts to also make contact with your food. Congratulations, you are now the first person to get a venereal disease from eating California rolls! And since there are no real laws to regulate this practice, you have no way of knowing if the woman you’re eating off of decided to come in to work after catching a bad cold, playing with her ten dirty dogs in the mud and neglecting to shower ‘cause she doesn’t believe in “personal hygiene.”

2) “ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME”

Maybe your ultimate yellow fever fantasy is for some hot Asian chick to whisper “Me love you long time” as she guides you to sexual nirvana. But let’s examine how this phrase was popularized. First, there was Stanley Kubrick’s 1987 Vietnam War flick Full Metal Jacket where a Vietnamese hooker uses that line (as well as the other yellow fever favorite “me so horny”) to snag customers. Now, this is a brutal war flick where the enemy sniper who dies a violent death is revealed to be a young Vietnamese girl who could have been one of the hookers uttering that line. Really sexy, huh? Then, the phrase was immortalized by the rap group 2 Live Crew in their 1989 hit “Me So Horny” which contains such classic lyrics as: “Me so horny, me so horny, me so horny/Me love you long time/Me fuckie suckie, fuckie suckie, fuckie suckie…” And if you need further proof that simply isn’t sexy, this is 2 Live Crew:

You can find that photo in the dictionary under the entry for “boner repellant.”

3) TEA CEREMONIES

Yeah, we all saw Karate Kid II and vividly remember the tea ceremony scene where YOMYOMF’s good friend, the awesome Tamlyn Tomita, performs the traditional Japanese ritual for Ralph Macchio while the two make goo-goo eyes at each other; ending in a romantic kiss. And a million tea-related fantasies were born. But let me ask you this: have you been to an actual tea ceremony? It’s definitely an art form that’s beautiful in its own way, but I have to say the one word I’d use to describe it is…booooooring. We get it—you’re pouring tea—I got it thirty minutes ago when you were pouring tea. The only people who’ll be turned on by the experience are those who get horny watching paint dry.

4) THAI HOOKERS

We all know Thailand is the sex capital of the world, right? And we also know that those exotic Thai women can do all sorts of freaky shit other women can’t—like shoot a ping pong ball out of their vagina and hit a target 100 yards away. So it stands to reason that a Thai hooker is just the person who’ll give you the sexual experience of a lifetime. But do you know what else the Thais are known for? Incredibly sexy chicks who also happen to have…dicks. So don’t be surprised if you’re with your hot Thai hooker and instead of shooting that ping-pong ball out of her vagina, she he bats it with his penis.

5) ASIAN APHRODISIACS

You may have heard how effective and powerful Asian aphrodisiacs are. No argument here. But do you know what sort of things some of these aphrodisiacs are made from? Oh, just shit like shriveled tiger dick and 100-year-old rhino testicles. So if that turns you on, more power to you, my friend. And if you take any of this stuff and suddenly find yourself being stalked by a vengeful male tiger with a voice that sounds like a 12-year-old girl, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

6) GEISHAS

Ah, the exotic geisha. She will dance for you, play music for you, pour your tea, laugh at your stupid jokes and generally make you feel like a real man. But do you know what she won’t do? Have sex with you! ‘Cause apparently, the Western perception of geishas as prostitutes isn’t true. Well, I wish someone had sent me that memo sooner. Expensive lesson learned.

7) FILIPINA MAIL-ORDER BRIDES

You say you’re tired of loud, opinionated, independent American women and want to find someone more “traditional” a.k.a. quiet, submissive and willing to serve your every need. You see the internet ads for Filipina brides who seem to share your “traditional” values. You correspond with a potential Filipina bride and she does indeed seem to be exactly what you’re seeking. So you pay the big bucks to bring her over to America to be your wife. And that’s when you realize that Filipina women are actually…loud, opinionated and independent (Hi, Bev!). So either be prepared to lose your shirt in an expensive divorce settlement or resign yourself to a life where every morning will start off with her shouting, “Maliit ang titi mo!” while laughing and pointing to your small limp dick.

8 ) THE KAMA SUTRA

There is probably no other text in the world that’s more synonymous with sex than this classic Indian Hindu work that spells out everything you wanted to know about sex and some stuff you didn’t think you wanted to know. Most people who haven’t actually read the Kama Sutra mistakenly think it’s full of drawings of ancient Indian hotties in all sorts of weird sexual positions—OG porn. But the original version didn’t even include any images at all and the section where sexual positions are discussed is just a small part of the text. Most of the book is actually filled with spiritual advice on how one should live; like in this passage: “Dharma is better than Artha, and Artha is better than Kama. But Artha should always be first practised by the king for the livelihood of men is to be obtained from it only. Again, Kama being the occupation of public women, they should prefer it to the other two, and these are exceptions to the general rule.” What?!! Uh, I think I’ll go masturbate to a Victoria’s Secret catalogue instead.

9) VENDING MACHINES THAT SELL USED SCHOOLGIRLS’ UNDERWEAR

I’m including this on my list because…it’s a fucking vending machine that sells schoolgirls’ used underwear! Let that fact sink in and if that’s not enough to turn you off, how about this: If I were a young Asian schoolgirl offering up my used panties to perverts, I’d make sure to leave some special surprises in said underwear for the sick asshole who’s going to buy it. I leave the rest to your imagination.

10) JAPANESE PORN

I’m sure many of our readers think the Japanese are into some weird kinky sex. I certainly have done nothing to disprove this notion with posts like this and this. But there’s kinky and then there’s kinky. And the Japanese are kinky. It’s one thing to get turned on by an innocent schoolgirl getting nasty with her teacher, it’s another to get turned on by an innocent schoolgirl getting raped by octopus tentacles. And if the latter does turn you on, you’re either a super freak or…a typical Japanese male. The other thing about Japanese porn is all the genitalia must be blurred out so if you’re looking for the full monty, you’re also out of luck. I don’t get it either—it’s perfectly acceptable to show a tentacle violating a girl, but you can’t show her vagina? Huh?!