The closest metaphor I can think of is that amazing feeling you had as a child on Christmas morning when you’d jump out of bed, run to the tree and see the presents that Santa Claus left for you during the night. Yes, the thing I was holding in my hand may have just been a standard Fed Ex envelope, but inside was my metaphoric gift from Santa. Inside was a screener DVD of the Japanese film Big Tits Zombie.

Ever since my fellow Offender Anderson wrote about watching this movie at Cannes, I knew that it could very well be the greatest movie ever produced and make Citizen Kane look like Citizen Krap.  This is a film about strippers who fight zombies from hell and stars Japanese porn stars Sola Aoi and Risa Kasumi.  And it includes classic moments like this:

How can that not be awesome?

After minutes days weeks months of searching, I was able to track down an industry screener of the film. And now here it was at last. But it gets even better. Not only did the envelope contain the DVD of the film itself, but there was also…a pair of 3-D glasses! Holy shit, Big Tits Zombie was in 3-motherfuckin’-D! Could it get any better?

The plot description in the press release whetted my appetite for what I was about to experience:

Rena Jodo (Sola Aoi) is a stripper who just got back from Mexico and she has been offered a gig at a hot spring resort. When she arrives, she finds a deserted country town. There’s hardly anyone in the audience at the strip club and all the other strippers, including Ginko (Risa Kasumi), Maria (Mari Sakurai), Nene (Tamayo) and Dana (Io Aikawa) are all bored stiff. They don’t know what to do with their time and they are on the verge of fighting each other.

When they decide to go down to the basement of the club to kill time, Maria finds a “Book of the Dead” near “the Well of the Spirit.” But who could have imagined the horror and panic that find would bring? Maria’s reading of the book out loud has somehow revived the dead and zombies start appearing all over the world attacking mankind. It’s Hell in the real world!

Dana and Nene are bitten by the zombies and they turn into living dead who attack Rena and Ginko. The poor big?bosomed babes have no choice but to fight against Maria who now rules the zombies and tries to establish a kingdom of zombies. Rena and Ginko have to challenge Maria and the hordes of zombies! And how does the Blue Demon Devil (Minoru Torihada) fit in?

How can you not want to watch the movie after reading that?

But then something troubling happened. I popped the DVD in my player, the 3-D glasses covering my eyes, a bowl of popcorn on my lap, a large jug of whiskey soda in my hand—I was all ready to go when…the DVD refused to play. A message flashed across the screen proclaiming the disc was unreadable.

Unreadable?! What the fuck? OK, OK, breath, don’t panic. It’s an Asian DVD so it’s probably just a different region disc that won’t play on my American region DVD player. No problem, I’ll just pop the disc into my laptop, which can play movies from every region (thank you Steve Jobs!). I realize my computer isn’t the ideal way to view a film of this magnitude, but hey, there are underprivileged children in Africa who can’t even watch this movie in any format so I have nothing to complain about.

But that’s when true tragedy struck. The DVD wouldn’t play on my laptop either. How could that be? It’s a fucking Mac! It should be able to play anything! Christ, a Beta videotape should play on it! I tried everything, but all to no avail. I could only come to one conclusion…God had forsaken me. This faulty DVD was punishment for all my past transgressions. This DVD was my Scarlet Letter “A”—a reminder of my sins and the ultimate price I was now paying for them. I mean what else could it be, right?

But wait! Maybe there was still hope. OK, it didn’t work in my DVD player or computer, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the disc is the problem. Maybe my DVD player and computer are the problem. So for the next few weeks I was a man on a mission. I carried that Big Tits Zombie DVD and the 3-D glasses with me wherever I went. Anytime I saw a computer or DVD player, I would insert the disc, whisper a little prayer and see if my luck would finally change. But alas, the results were always the same. I stuck that thing in so many strange, dark-colored players that I was beginning to feel like a Kardashian sister on date night. And all for naught. Again, just like the Kardashian sisters.

So now, I just have to accept the cold, harsh reality that maybe…just maybe…Big Tits Zombie and I were not meant to be. All that’s left to do is sit here, ponder the meaning of these events and express my emotions through haiku:

Child without a toy
Big Tits Zombie disc won’t play
The universe weeps…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQLi1UiWo8E&feature=related