American Fast Food Chains Serving Expired Chinese Meat and…So?

JUNK_FOODNews broke today that China-based Husi Food Co. has been selling expired beef and chicken to American fast food giants McDonald’s, KFC and Pizza Hut. They allegedly did this by repackaging the stale meat and putting new expiration dates on them. Of course, reps for the fast food companies have announced they are no longer purchasing meat from Husi and are launching their own “investigations.”

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Here’s all I have to add to this—is anyone really surprised by this news? And does anyone really believe that the fast food companies are genuinely surprised by this either?

AROUND THE HORN – Yo best Kiddie Joke

Jokes of youth.

What’s that one joke you told as a young child that made you and your friends laugh so hard that your tummy muscles burned, you could hardly breathe, and you accidentally farted in blissful delight?

As a dad of three very young girls, I’ve have the good fortune of observing developing youth and all the innocence and discovery that comes with it.  My oldest, who is now 5 ½ years of age, has started coming home from school armed with jokes.  What’s ironic is that many of her jokes are the exact same jokes I was telling at her age.  So it’s fascinating to watch as she saunters up to me with a mischievous grin and a giggle and blurts, “Hey dad, wanna hear a joke?”  And then she lays it on me.  I laugh.  I mainly find her jokes funny because I find it cute that she’s trying to make me laugh.  But for her…wow.  She just busts up laughing like she’s on drugs.  And what’s even funnier is how her 3 ½ and 1 ½ year old sisters end up rolling on the floor, cracking up like they are on drugs too.  I don’t think the younger two really understand the jokes.  They’re just being infected by the uncontrollable laughter of big sis.  And though I don’t personally find my kids’ jokes funny from a purely humorous perspective, I can’t help but enjoy and laugh along with the sounds of childhood delight.  OK, it’s more like high-pitched cackling mixed with struggled breathing.

Which brings me to this – What’s that one childhood joke that you found insanely funny when a youth?  Here’s mine…

My Joke:  

A bunny and a bear are sitting next to each other on a log taking a dump.  After a few pushes and grunts, the bear looks over at the bunny and says…

BEAR – “Bunny, do you ever have problems with poo sticking to your fur?”

BUNNY – “Why no Bear.  Why do you ask?”

And with that, Bear grabbed Bunny and wipes his butt with Bunny.

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I know, perhaps not so funny as an adult.  But this joke delivered hours upon hours of gut-aching laughter as a kid.

What’s your awesome kid joke?

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PHILIP: Definitely wouldn’t be considered PC, but as kids, we thought Helen Keller jokes were the funniest things. Here are a few:

Why is Helen Keller’s legs wet?

Her dog is blind too.

Japanese Schoolgirl Ninjas are real!

The best thing you’ll see online all week. This amazing POV video of two Japanese schoolgirls involved in an epic chase around their school and town, is death defying, dizzying, and one of the most badass things I’ve seen in a long time. Going the “found footage” route by just using a GoPro, this awesome action chase scene is the production of Bijin Tokei, which is a modeling agency, best known for their digital clock where cute photos of Japanese girls cycle every minute (the girls pose as if they’re holding a clock that displays the time).

SAF Seeking… A reason to believe in a god

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“His organs are shutting down.”

I stare at the text. It’s 830am and I’m packing to get on the road for a 6pm go-time of a long-anticipated wedding way up in the California foothills.

Leonardo is dying. It’s been just a little over a year since his Stage IV cancer was diagnosed. Honestly, I thought he was going to beat it. He increased his positivity and prayer and looked on no side that boded ill. If you doubted him, you were against him and he was going to prove you wrong.

Has Anyone Seen a 1 Ton Rubber Duck?

Some of you may have heard that a giant 59-foot rubber duck weighing 1 ton created by Dutch artist Florentijin Hofman has been floating around the globe this past year. Despite hitting some snags, including mysteriously exploding during a visit to a Taiwanese port last December, the rubber duck has been holding up pretty well considering it’s a friggin’ rubber duck.

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But all that changed last week as the duck was making its way down China’s Nanming River and a torrential flood washed it away. As of today, the duck has yet to be found so if anyone in southwest China comes upon an 18 meter tall giant duck, please let the local authorities know, won’t you? Do it for the children or at least…uh…whatever Ernie is supposed to be:

6 Times When it’s OK for White People to Don Yellow Face

Apparently, there’s a new production of Gilbert & Sullivan’s musical The Mikado up in Seattle (produced by the Seattle Gilbert & Sullivan Society) that’s rankled some in the community for its “yellow face” casting—all 40 Japanese characters in the show are played by 38 white actors and 2 Latinos in full-on “Oriental” mode.

Seattle Gilbert & Sullivan Society's THE MIKADO

Seattle Gilbert & Sullivan Society’s THE MIKADO

In general, it’s almost never OK to do yellow face so if you’re a non-Asian and you’re considering following in the footsteps of the Seattle Gilbert & Sullivan Society, fuck you just don’t do it. But like all rules, there are a few exceptions and here they are:

1) IF YOU’RE ACTUALLY SATIRIZING OR MAKING FUN OF THE PRACTICE OF YELLOW FACE AND/OR THE IDIOTS BEHIND IT

tumblr_m34jweWjdg1qcnueyo1_500As a general rule, if you wouldn’t put a white actor in black face in any particular situation, you shouldn’t be OK with putting them in yellow face. However, I can think of at least two recent examples where the use of black face was justified—on a couple of episodes of the NBC series 30 Rock and the Ben Stiller flick Tropic Thunder. In both instances, white actors donned black face but it was to point out the absurdity of the white characters who were doing it in the first place (yes, it’s all very meta). So if you want to do a play or film poking fun at a clueless white theater company in an otherwise diverse city that chooses to put on a production of a play set in Asia with a white cast in yellow face, then this would be OK.

Door Signs

My husband politely asked me if I could suggest a pleasant door sign.

“My boss said that my door’s the only one in our department that’s closed, so I’d like people to know that they’re welcome to knock and come in, even if the door’s closed.”

“I’ll try to think of some signs for you,” I said.

I printed these out for him.

The Great KFC Anti-Phil Conspiracy

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Damnit, I’m just a red-blooded American man and as such occasionally I feel the need …the need for some KFC original recipe chicken and biscuits. Which is why what I am about to share with you is so disturbing. Up until very recently, there were three—count them three—KFC locations within a short distance from my home in the Los Feliz/Silver Lake area. Now, there are zero.

I repeat—zero.

The KFC on Sunset Blvd. in Hollywood—CLOSED:

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The KFC on Virgil—CLOSED:

Meeting Jello Biafra

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He was standing against the wall, beer in hand, talking to a much younger blonde woman.  But it was getting late, and I was tired – if I wanted that autograph, I had to make my move.

Jello Biafra (former front man for the Dead Kennedys, political prankster and activist, founder of Alternative Tentacles Records, and all around punk rock royalty) was DJ-ing at my little dive bar, The Ruby Room, and I had vowed I would get the man to sign a couple of records.  I felt okay about this: after all, I had restrained myself from bringing ALL six of the LP’s I own, not to mention the handful of 45’s.

Jello’s work mattered to me.  Still does.

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YOMYOMF’s Summer Blockbuster Showdown — DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES!

APEYOMYOMF's Summer Blockbuster Showdown Part 5-01

Select Offenders will be reviewing this summer’s crop of Hollywood tentpole films with a scientifically tested set of criteria that was vetted, nurtured, dissected and regurgitated through the pop-culture gadflies who have nothing better to do than annoy other productive people in the YOMYOMF office. So, we channeled their nitpicks of the incessant reboots, remakes and rehashes that are part and parcel with Hollywood summer movies into this ongoing summer blog series called the SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SHOWDOWN. You can read previous roundtable reviews, which are all archived here

In this edition, we review DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES! BTW, this roundtable review is chock full of spoilers. You’ve been warned!